Sunday, December 28, 2008
As Tony Davies of Exeter sat down on Christmas morning to sift through the cards received from family and friends, he could never have imagined the horror that was contained within the innocuous white envelopes scattered at his feet.
After having breakfast with his wife and children, Mr Davies began reading. At the first round robin from his Auntie Pat in Bristol detailing her hip operation and her son-in-law's new motorbike, he felt nauseous but managed to continue reading other cards. After two more round robins detailing the utter banality of his distant relatives lives he had to go outside for some fresh air and pour himself a scotch.
As his wife Janice told us, he perhaps should have stopped there. "I pleaded with him to give the cards to me, so I could check them for drivel and moronic trivia that people think we actually give a shit about, but he wouldn't listen. He insisted that he would see the funny side eventually and carried on."
At the fourth letter from a cousin that he hadn't seen in twenty years which contained meaningless information about gardening, television programs and cats, Tony became irritable, depressed and tearful. Despite a further attempt by his wife to take away the cards, Tony battled on, but this fight was to be his last.
Unluckily for Tony , the next round robin he opened was from his idiot brother Jim, who had written what was essentially a 6 page surmise on how 2008 was a great year for his family despite unemployment and divorce and listed run of the mill activities by his children as if they were genuine achievements. It was at this point that Tony began to suffer from blurry vision, and loss of motor ability. Janice watched in horror as he slipped away into a coma that he has still not woken from 3 days later.
The prognosis is not good, according to doctors. "Mr Davies suffered deep mental anguish from reading all this boring crap," said a spokesman for Exeter hospital. "He may have got through it but for the section in his brother's letter about the day trip to Bournemouth where he met Les Dennis."
Anti-Round Robin pressure group NO-SHIT has called for a public inquiry into why people think their friends and family want to read all this bollocks and warned people to treat round robins with care, lest they suffer the same fate as Mr Davies.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Millions of children across the world could be waking up to a big disappointment this Christmas morning after Santa Claus was picked up by police yesterday for driving his sleigh under the influence of alcohol.
According to the British police, Santa was making some early deliveries to orphanages and hospitals in London when he was seen stumbling out of a chimney pot near Tower Bridge looking a little the worse for wear. He was intercepted as he prepared to take off outside City Hall and given a breathalyzer test having failed to walk in a straight line. It is understood that Mr Claus was sick over one of the arresting officers and was overheard blaming "too many bloody mince pies and scotch" before falling over.
He is currently being held at Southwark Police station while a legal elf helper travels from the North Pole to bail him out. If convicted, Santa Claus could face a one year ban from driving his sleigh and up to 3 months in prison.
Known around the world for his red face, rotund physique and penchant for whisky, brandy, beer and any other kind of liquor left out for him on Christmas Eve, it’s perhaps no surprise that Mr Claus has been caught drunk in charge of his reindeer, and some media commentators have been asking why it’s taken so long.
Daily Mail hate-monger Melanie Phillips suggested that Santa's love of booze has caused the present binge drinking epidemic, and his shiny red suits might turn boys gay. She also wondered why a grown man was so keen on giving presents to children, before concocting a theory that poor people are responsible for the credit crunch and should therefore return to old fashioned lifestyles of serfdom and slavery to atone for their sins.
Have a Stupid Christmas!!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Manchester United recently won the World Club Championship and has now agreed to travel to a galaxy far far beyond in an attempt to be crowned the ‘Masters of the Universe’. But sources close to the trillionaire Sheik owner of Shitty say the move by United is a desperate attempt to usurp them as the most disgustingly rich team on the planet.
Mo Principle, who sits on Shitty’s board said: “We know that Man United have been frustrated in their attempts to sell their new away strip in war-torn and poverty stricken parts of Africa.
So they are now looking to knock-out their shirts across the Solar System in an attempt to make even more cash and challenge our ability to pay the most obscenely high wages to obnoxious, foul-mouthed young footballers.
Selling the club to a corrupt former Thai-President and then a bunch of Sheiks who have never been to Manchester may be seen as distasteful in some quarters. But trying to push crappy merchandise in places like Pluto and Venus is beyond the pale.”
Players and senior management at Old Trafford have dismissed Shitty’s accusations, saying they are just jealous at not having the opportunity to test their abilities against eleven little green men.
However, they have acknowledged that travelling millions of miles at the speed of light for a mid-week game may leave them a little leggy for the weekend trip to Hull.
Raul Mouth, a Spanish member of Sir Alex Ferguson’s coaching staff: “We believe Rooney and Ronaldo will be able to get in behind the Martians and grab us that all important away goal. If we can knock-out a few scarves and hats from the back of the team bus at half-time then all the better.
We just have to hope that playing in temperatures in excess of 1000 degrees will not hamper us too much and their referee will not object to our boys cheating and calling him a fucking wanker.”
Thursday, December 18, 2008
As the President-Elect puts the finishing touches to a Cabinet comprised of former presidential rivals, experienced governors, senators and experts in their field, he has today announced an appointment that will prove his commitment to America’s favourite pastime.
The new Office of Vacuous Celebrity (OVC) will be a key part of Barack Obama’s White House and will ensure that the pointless activities of actors, singers, socialites and their hangers-on are at the heart of administration thinking and inform new policy from the outset. Obama has tapped world famous pop star and fruitcake Britney Spears to serve as the first director of the OVC and revealed his new ‘gossip girl’ at a press conference in Chicago.
“We as a nation are in the deepest economic crisis since the 1930s,” he told the gathered press. “It’s going to damage a lot of lives, and will take a lot of hard work to pull us out. But today I pledge that I will keep you distracted from the worst of the crisis with a revolution in celebrity news, views and sexy action. Ms Spears has long experience of getting acres of media coverage for achieving little and displays almost no talent. She has in my view the right skills and experience to lead the OVC and keep Americans more interested in lurid tabloid headlines than their own empty lives and broken dreams.”
Spears took to the podium to accept the nomination and slurred through her priorities for the task ahead. She immediately made good on her promise to hit the ground running by bursting into tears, flashing her ass at the assembled reporters and shaving her head. She was then strapped to a stretcher and dragged screaming to her new transition office by ambulance, with a convoy of paparazzi in tow and several network news helicopters overhead.
Sky TV says it has made a significant step towards bringing the usual crap to British viewers via the medium of 3D television.
The satellite broadcaster says it has successfully tested the delivery of shite 3D programming to a domestic television, via a high-definition set-top box. The Simpsons, the only worthwhile program on the Sky channels, is not likely to be made in 3D in the near future, leaving people wondering what the point is.
Truly appalling programmes like Stargate SG1, Road Wars, Ross Kemp in Afghanistan, and the 50 greatest TV endings will only have their crapness enhanced by the 3D technology as people realise that the CGI in Stargate is poor and that Ross Kemp is actually only 4 feet high.
Such broadcasts would also require the purchase or theft of expensive 3D televisions, which are not yet available in UK stores or locked vans, and viewers would need to wear 3D polarising glasses that they can't afford or buy off a Nigerian bloke in a pub.
However, sport appears to be the main draw for the technology amongst British viewers. Sky Sports presenter Georgie Thompson said: "Now we will be able to watch our national teams get thrashed at football, cricket, rugby, tennis, golf and a host of other sports in glorious 3D."
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Sporting a makeshift target painted on his forehead, Mr Brown is in Baghdad to discuss what a bunch of twats the Iraqis are and has scheduled several long press conferences with free shoes handed to each journalist that comes through the the door.
The PM is understood to be angry at the attention that outgoing US President George W Bush has received for ducking and smiling when shoes were thrown at him on Sunday, and wants to look as cool and relaxed under fire as Bush. He has let it be known he would appreciate having stuff chucked his way, and may grant a private interview to the first attacker.
Chief of the UK Defence Staff Sir Jock Stirrup, who is travelling with the PM, explained that Brown wanted to generate some international headlines and improve his image.
"Instead of a dour Scot who would probably get his nose busted by a shoe and start crying and shouting, Gordon wants to be a man who can duck missiles thrown at him like Bush did. Then he wants to practice making lightweight wisecracks and continue talking crap about the war, oblivious to to the cultural significance of the act."
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Leading Spanish, British and Japanese banks say they could be facing losses of billions of dollars from the $50 billion fraud perpetrated by Madoff, but they aren’t too bothered as his proven ability to successfully work the markets for personal gain has restored their faith in the banking system.
A leading investor at fucked bank Merrill Lynch admitted to us that he had spent most of the last few years playing World of Warcraft and other games online or drinking in his private club before returning to the office each day to submit invented figures to his boss. “Me and the boys at work can’t believe it, this guy actually understood what all these numbers mean? I never got the hang of it in 30 years – how did he?”
Outgoing Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson surprised journalists by praising Mr Madoff at a press conference, saying that his expertise in defrauding financial institutions over many years was shining example of talent in a sea of shitty incompetence. “This is a man who knew how the financial system operated and we should thank him for that. Of course he broke the law according to some, but his achievements in economic awareness should not go unnoticed.”
Paulson, a former banker himself, went on. “That thing he did, using new money to pay interest on old investments that were worth nothing - that is some genius man. Why didn’t I think of that at Goldman Sachs?”
Monday, December 15, 2008
The head of Barclays Bank has warned that people may soon start buying and selling homes for what they are actually worth.
John Varley made the comments following the revelation that house prices were likely to fall by up to 30% over the next year, and the complete banker advised that all those dingy Victorian terraces in the southeast that we shelled out half a million quid on will then be worth a price that is within the realms of sanity.
Posh idiot and professional property pisser-abouter Kirstie Allsop choked on her caviar when she heard the news and was seen scurrying off in the direction of Kensington to try and convince stupid rich people that they should continue purchasing homes for an over-inflated sum and deck them out like Parisian boudoirs, before knocking them off with a hefty mark up to another stupid person with more money than sense.
Normal people however are simply trying to get by. John Davies, an unemployed gas fitter from Croydon, has just had his house taken away and faces a nightmarish Christmas. “The bastard in-laws have offered to put us up and the bloody wife said yes! I’d rather see my kids sleeping rough than spend 10 minutes with her fucking cow of a mother.”
Meanwhile, international investors' lack of confidence in the UK economy has seen the pound hitting new lows against the euro: last week one pound was worth ‘fuck all’, a drop from ‘piss all’ the previous week. Chief Secretary to the Treasury Yvette Cooper agreed that things were looking bad for the pound, but would not confirm reports that the government was planning to step in to shore it up.
“I think the public will agree that the real question is how much will champagne and lobsters cost on my Christmas holiday in the south of France? Last year a meal was the equivalent of £350 per head, is it now going to be more like £450? Someone needs to provide some answers and fast.”
Sunday, December 14, 2008
International leaders and commentators have called for the "harshest possible punishment" to be used against the man who failed to hit George W Bush in the fucking face with his shoes.
At a press conference with Iraqi PM Nouri Maliki, an Iraqi journalist was wrestled to the floor by security guards after he called Mr Bush "a dog" and threw his footwear, just missing the president.
Politicians around the world have expressed shock and awe that he missed the president's grinning face, and insisted that if they had been there, they would have smashed the bastard's nose right in.
Prime Minister Zapatero of Spain broke off from talks with union leaders to speak of his regret that Bush wasn't twatted in the chops. His Australian counterpart Kevin Rudd released a statement condemning the journalist for missing Bush's eyes and called for him to be tried at the Hague for "pissing away a perfect set up. "
There has also been surprise that Bush managed to duck out of the way, given that he has trouble recognising his own Cabinet and often mistakes the door to the Oval Office for the White House soda machine. "This is a man who once almost choked to death on a pretzel," said UN secretary general Ban Ki-moon. "How in the name of god was he able to avoid a dead cert from a few metres away?"
Friday, December 12, 2008
The war of words over the UK’s approach to the financial crisis has descended into personal insults, as the Germans make the most of their chance to have a go at us again at last.
“You see, zees Englander svine do not understand ze vay money vorks,” the German finance minister told reporters in Berlin. “Vot these idiots need to do is keep printing money until ze hyperinflation happens, yah. Bread vill then cost millions of pounds per loaf and then ze people will start buying ze veel barrows to carry it around in. The boost to ze economy from veel barrow sales alone vill save ze financial system and put England on ze road to recovery.”
When questioned further, Herr Steinbruck outlined the next stage of his recovery plan. “Following zis, a charismatic young politician vill unite ze nation and lead them to ze victory. It vould also help if they stopped laughing at ze toilet, built some guten cars and learned to cook ze cabbage properly.”
British politicians and tabloid newspapers were scathing in their criticism. “What did we fight the war for? To let some sausage sucking kraut root through our turds with a biro?” ranted shadow foreign secretary William Hague. “This is just yet more Eurocrat nonsense,” said Europe minister Caroline Flint, “next they’ll be telling us to wear leather shorts and walk together in lines, raising our legs at a pronounced angle.”
The Daily Mail has responded by printing the names and addresses of all Germans living in the UK and calling on it’s readers to form mobs and attack them. Insane columnist Melanie Phillips wrote: “The Germans have tried and failed to conquer this country before - we cannot let single mothers, asylum seekers and gays help them succeed this time.”
The current tit-for-tat abuse is reminiscent of the quarrels between Adolf Hitler and Neville Chamberlain in the run up to World War 2. Then Chamberlain referred to the Fuhrer as a “one-bollocked poofter”, following the collapse of peace talks, while Hitler called the Prime Minister a “skinny prickenfocker” at the outbreak of war in 1939.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The document reveals how the former Prime Minister will sever ties and denounce all the policies of George Bush in an attempt to win over the new President ‘Elect’. Ultimately Blair is seeking to be appointed to a specially created position called ‘Guardian of the Special Relationship’. From here he will be able to ensure that whoever is in the White House will have a British politician to walk all over on a daily basis.
Blair’s office initially denied all knowledge of the dossier to the Stupid Times. However, 45 minutes later an aggressive scotsman called back to confirm its existence but then dismissed it as ‘dodgy’ and not to be trusted. However, a reliable source revealed the former PM was deeply concerned about no longer having the ear of the US President.
“Despite appearances Tony never really liked George and was always strongly opposed to the Iraq War. He only went along with it because he knew he was the only person able to keep the American gung-ho approach in check.
“Apart from the fact that up to 500,000 people have been killed he feels to have been successful in his mission. What you have to remember is that Tony has always been a big fan of money, power and celebrity. Obama has all of these and so he wants to be his mate, even if his actions once again expose him as a principle free zone.”
The White House was nonplussed by the story and Obama’s spokesman said the President Elect was much more interested in having the tasty Argentine President round for tea.
“There is also the small issue of Blair having achieved fuck all as peace envoy to the Middle East. I don’t think Tony realises that working for JP Morgan and making crappy speeches in China is not a great help to people living in the Gaza Strip.”
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
The jubilation following the election of Barack Obama as president ground to a halt today as the governor of Illinois was arrested for trying to sell the now vacant senate seat.
Rod Blagojevich, a Democrat, has sole responsibility for selecting Obama's successor as junior senator from Illinois. The process should be transparent and should aim to select the best person for the job. Blagojevich on the other hand, was recorded making phone calls, swearing at officials and discussing the value of the appointment to him personally.
All this has greatly depressed the millions of naïve Democratic activists who worked tirelessly for Obama's election and the party's solid majorities in Congress. Terri Lewis of California admitted that her previous belief that the party was infallible was now shattered. "I never really appreciated that the Dems could use public office for their own means. With Clinton's unblemished record, we couldn't imagine that a Democrat governor would do something like this."
However, Lewis was enthusiastic about a young prosecutor called Patrick Fitzgerald who had promised to get to the bottom of the problem. "He's gonna unite us and solve this problem. He's also really cool."
Monday, December 8, 2008
With Michael Martin's time as Speaker of the House of Commons coming to an end, MPs have been looking at ways to update the process of electing his successor.
Following the controversy over the arrest of Damian Green, it is expected that Mr Martin will announce his departure in the next few months. Previously the Speaker was chosen through archaic methods such as voting and counting, but now members wish to bring the selection of their presiding officer into the 21st century.
A new primetime show called I'm an MP......get me in the Chair! will be aired on ITV1 for two weeks during the election process with the candidates for the job put through various tests at a camp in the New Forest. The public will vote off one MP each night by phone. Presented by Ant and Dec, the tasks will inlcude drinking steaming hot bowls of horseshit, climbing up trees to get food rations, and eating genitals in an attempt to prove they are the best person for the job.
The final two candidates will have to strip down and take part in a naked mudwrestling contest to decide the eventual winner of parliament's most prestigious post.
Harriet Harman, the Chairman of the Modernisation Committee, denied that MPs were dumbing down the process. "We have to realise that people today are not switched on to politics and the democratic process, especially young people. We firmly belive that the sight of senior members of the house vying for the speakership by eating cows cocks and fighting eachother in a pit of filth will help us to reconnect with the electorate."
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Will my mortgage be cut quickly?
The government certainly hopes so, but it is really just pissing in the wind. In November, it put huge pressure on lenders to pass on the full 1.5% cut in Bank Rate straight to their borrowers, even though many banks did not really want to and didn't even though your tax money bailed them out and paid for the Christmas piss ups. The fact is the banks are a bunch of bastards, so don't expect any favours or sympathy from them.
What about savers?
Sorry people. Those that haven't got themselves into oodles of debt are likely to be shagged up the arse pretty hard as well. If you've got £20,000 tucked away to pay for little Tommy's law degree, you'd best book him into a plumbing course now.
Will my loan or overdraft be cheaper?
Of course not, you prick. The banks have got you by the bollocks, and are going to keep squeezing until you become a mezzo soprano.
I am dead keen to buy a flat or house. This is all good news, surely?
Are you on drugs? You've got more chance of becoming pope than you have of buying a one bed shoebox in the home counties. The estate agents have all gone bust, and the bank managers are throwing darts at your picture as we speak.
Will this help the economy recover?
Like fuck will it. We're all doomed.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
The Queen will be in attendance at the historic building from midday with the usual pomp and pageantry accompanying tours for prospective buyers. The palace will be for sale in separate sections to maximize revenue, with the plush interior of the House of Lords and the sweeping views from Big Ben expected to generate the most interest.
A succession of middle eastern princes, Texan oil billionaires, and footballers with more money than sense will be shown through the opulent corridors and rooms by Queen Elizabeth and other royals with price tags in the billions demanded for a chunk of the building.
Chancellor Alistair Darling defended the sale and denied that it is an assault of British history and democracy. "Parts of this building might date back almost a thousand years, but that's how long it will take us to pay off the national overdraft if we don't get some money fast."
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
In a wide ranging interview, Bush admitted that it would have been 'tough to come up with a convincing case' if he hadn't used the WMD issue as a smokescreen for the invasion, which was always going to happen anyway.
But he showed remorse that the lies that he and Dick Cheney used to force the war on Congress and the American people had come to light. "You know, I don't spent too much time on it, but I wish we'd gotten away with it," he told ABC News. "I will leave office with my head held high, but in Texas they like straight talkers, so it would have been nice to be remembered as honest. But hey, what's done is done."
When asked about his greatest achievement, the 43rd president chose the installation of 'ideological thugs' at the helm of the Republican party. "The GOP of my father's generation may not have been perfect, but they at least had some sense of duty and honor. I'm proud to have reduced the party to a smoldering heap of hate and recrimination."
Friday, November 28, 2008
“The Bush administration has worked very hard over the last eight years to destoy the banking system, leaving people like me to take money out of the pockets of hard working Amercian’s to bail them out. I think we all now want to know why this bank has chosen to oppose the Bush doctrine and not beg for money from the government.”
Government bail-outs have been a feature of the past four months, one of the most tumultuous periods in US economic history. A source from one of the bailed out banks said: “Having your own guy in charge of the Treasury means you can screw up as much as you want knowing that he is always there with the taxpayer to pick up the tab.” However, he did acknowledge that news of a financial institution that was actually solvent had created consternation and concern on Wall Street. “This bank has made the rest of us look like greedy incompetent assholes, which is just not the case. However, I am confident that this is a freak occurrence and there will be plenty more bankruptcies over the next few weeks.”
Before finishing the press conference Paulson had a parting shot against the rogue traders running the solvent bank. “They may feel pretty clever now, but soon they will realise that I will not be coming knocking at their door asking to buy all their worthless sub-prime mortgages and derivatives at double the market value.” At the White House the President was questioned about the significance of finding this solvent bank. He said: “I know that Cheney and I have been busting a gut to completely screw up the country. I will not allow this one bank to tarnish our reputation for supreme economic incompetence.”
Thursday, November 27, 2008
People across the country may be unwrapping useful and practical items on Christmas morning, instead of comedy sized wine glasses, Homer Simpson bottle openers, or foul smelling candle sets, analysts say.
Woolworths have been selling rubbish for almost 100 years and pioneered short-term novelty presents that end up in landfill by Boxing Day. Deloitte, the company appointed to manage the process, have reassured shoppers that branches will remain open selling shit for at least the next few weeks.
Meanwhile, shares in one of Woolies most popular products collapsed following the news. The commodity price of pick 'n' mix fell by over 40% in a matter of minutes. However shares rallied when a cleaning lady at the stock exchange pointed out that pick 'n' mix is available from loads of other shops and has been for years.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
The demonstrators are in full control of Suvarnabhumi airport, leaving thousands of sex tourists stranded. Some are rejoicing, others are tearfully calling their wives and asking for help.
Overweight and hideously ugly western men are crammed into the airports departure lounge staring forlornly at the departure screens. Hans Aufman, a Catholic priest from Hamburg, was due home yesterday to preside over several weddings. "It's disgraceful" he told us angrily.
"I, a man of the cloth come here for a relaxing week of having sex with underage girls and now I'm stuck in this god-forsaken place."
A group of British weirdos from Manchester were furious at the protesters. "Some of us are teachers and policeman, we're needed back home."
But Chuck Sandelman, an obese American banker from North Carolina, was relaxed about the situation. "I was only supposed to be here for a long weekend," he told us with a nauseating smile. "It looks like I'll be missing my daughters 15th birthday, but hey - I think I'll be celebrating a few others."
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
"People will forgive you for being a little left or a little right, but they won't forgive you for sliding down the fretboard at the wrong moment during the lead guitar solo," he told the Stupid Times in between appearances on the promotional tour for his new book. "Politicians need to pile on the pounds as well. How can they understand the average American if they don’t spend a few years as a fat fuck that can barely get up the stairs without losing breath. I’ve been there, I feel their pain.”
Huckabee famously tipped the scales at nearly 300 pounds at the height of his obesity but slimmed down to a normal weight during his time as Arkansas governor. He is also an avid musician, playing the bass guitar in his band Capitol Offense. Following big losses in the 2008 elections, he is urging Republican leaders to follow his life story if they want to win again. Although his supporters have set up the ‘Eat for Mike’ campaign, he was tight lipped on his intentions.
“This isn’t about Mike Huckabee, this is about the Republican Party and what’s best for America. What we have now are Obama and Biden, who have always been thin and healthy and can’t understand what it’s like to have one of your buttocks resting on a stranger’s arm on a flight. They don’t know what it’s like having to actually look for your penis. They’re out of touch.”
Huckabee also offered some advice to the front-runner for the party’s nomination in four years. “Sarah Palin is a fine woman, and while she’s never been able to do the truffle shuffle, she’s had 5 children and knows what it is to be big. I keep seeing her holding a gun, which is great, but where’s the gee-tar? If she can’t play the REO Speedwagon bass runs by the time of the Iowa primary in 2012, she’s history.”
Billed as the Pre-Budget Report that will help people across the board, the main provision seems to be a few pence off the price of a Mars Bar and other basic items. Analysts say that this will leave the nation with millions of pennies clogging up coin pockets, car dashboards, handbags and coffee tables. The Conservatives have called for an urgent debate and an investigation in into whether the world copper market can cope with the extra demand.
Across the country, checkout workers are preparing for the elderly and the unemployed spending even more precious minutes counting out the exact cost of their purchases while queues of people with jobs and places to go snake round corners. Supermarket bosses are planning to provide counting assistance to people who have no concept of time.
Some are overjoyed by the news however. Angry Jack of the Tramps and Bums Association said his members were looking forward to a very Merry Christmas. "Aaah got fuggall small change yezzerday, but zo farr diz morning ah gots four quids in pennieez" he told us on a London street, in between swigs from a shiny new can of Carlsberg Special Brew.
Other significant measures in the mini budget include a three month delay before you get kicked out of your house and a plan to increase taxes on the rich from 2011, which will be dropped after the Conservatives get into power.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Determined to construct as broad-based an administration as possible, incoming US President Barack Obama has gone further even than his aides could have predicted to include his former opponents in top government jobs.
Despite acres of newsprint, endless amateur and expert opinions spouted daily, and frequent drunken conversations about the financial crisis in pubs and bars, we as a planet are no closer to really understanding why we’re all broke and the banks are in the shit. As the UK unveils a baffling economic recovery plan and US President-elect Obama keeps going on about sums of cash we can’t even imagine, most people are ready to admit that they switch off the news and put on reality TV and soap operas whenever the bloody credit crunch comes up.
An anonymous source from business consultancy Ernst and Young revealed that an internal survey of his and other city firms concluded that even financial analysts and economic experts don’t have a damn clue what it all means. “The UK government can cut purchase taxes and Obama can promise 2 million new jobs, but at the end of the day we couldn’t give a monkey’s cock. We’re all glued to Desperate Housewives and whacked out on booze and prescription drugs,” he told us after several beers in a London pub. “I’m a so-called senior credit analyst on 200k, and I certainly don’t know what the fuck is going on.”
Further east in the seemingly unstoppable tiger economies of the United Arab Emirates, Kylie Minogue wowed crowds at the $20 million opening party of the $1 billion Dubai Atlantis Hotel last week. A representative of Kerzner International, who built the resort, confirmed that financial ignorance was truly global. “Do you think we would have built this fucking thing if we understood the value of money or had any economic foresight? Of course not, we’re all as thick as pig shit when it comes to money.”
Sunday, November 23, 2008
As the agriculture sector struggles to stay afloat in the face of increasing water shortages and attacks from pests, the nation's rising obesity epidemic is threatening to decimate food sources across the country.
Swarms of the lard-arsed bastards are sweeping across already drought-affected areas and feasting on whatever they can get their chubby hands on. In western New South Wales, near the country town of Condobolin, a swarm of salad-dodgers measuring four miles long by 560 feet wide (the group not the individuals) was spotted last week eating everything in sight.
The state's primary industries minister, Ian Macdonald, said that many snag scoffers and tucker rustlers, would gradually get tired as they lose the will to move around following their massive feast.
Mr Macdonald sought to reassure farmers, saying there was no need to panic. "We are monitoring the situation," he said. "It's important to realise that most of the state's crops have been harvested, so the fat bastards can't get near them without tearing down grain silos or hijacking food trucks. We've ordered the army to shoot on sight if this happens."
People across the country have also been advised to keep their pies and chips under lock and key, and call the police if any big people start staring at their donuts and licking their lips.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Researchers found that parents who aren’t constantly worrying themselves into an early grave over the latest round of unproven studies are more likely to talk, laugh and interact with their children.
The study was prompted by some crap research carried out by Dr Suzanne Zeedyk from Dundee University, in collaboration with the charity the National Literacy Trust (NLT). Dr Zeedyk’s research suggested that it actually matters which way a baby is facing when it is crying, falling asleep or soiling its nappy in a buggy.
However, parallel surveys discovered that while some babies did have a preference of direction, most were indifferent and just wanted a tit in their mouth as soon as possible. They also showed that parents who fuss and fret over every microscopic detail of their child’s development are a real pain in the arse and need some kind of counselling, so that they don’t ruin their kids lives.
Dr Zeedyk called for a larger scale study to be carried out so she could attempt to justify the huge sum of money she had spent on the last one.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Barack Obama is determined to give the New York Senator the key foreign policy job in his cabinet but is concerned that her husband's complicated global business interests could present future conflicts of interest that result in unneeded headaches for the incoming commander-in-chief.
However, the President-elect and his advisors have come up with a plan to ensure that his international presence is curtailed once Hillary is appointed to the State Department. Obama has offered Bill Clinton the job of Coordinator for the White House Internship program. Aides close to the former president have said that he was 'drooling' at the prospect and has offered to cease all international activities after the new administration takes office on January 20th 2009 in order to take up the job.
A middle manager at a leading business services consultancy has committed suicide in front of his colleagues during a team meeting. The unnamed man, who is married and in his mid-40s shot himself in the head at a corporate strategy workshop organised to address the company’s recent decline in light of the financial crisis.
It appears that he had finally had enough of corporate bullshit, management speak and meaningless waffle that fails to address the real issues. A close colleague of the dead man who wished to remain anonymous revealed that during the meeting the man had become increasingly agitated as superiors discussed their ‘corporate vision’ for the company over the next few years.
“He was visibly wincing when the HR manager kept mentioning ‘a focus on the team’ and dug his pen into his leg at mentions of ‘downsizing and reallocation’. He seemed to calm down during the finance segment, but when the boss announced the new ‘change management processes’ he pulled out a pistol and blew his own brains out.”
A spokesman for the company has announced that his family will be receiving a ‘transitional post-loss compensation plan’.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Party leader Nick Griffin has called for the British people to show tolerance and understanding of his fellow racists amid reports that those named in the leaked document have received threatening and abusive phone calls and emails. Griffin, a self proclaimed white supremacist who has spent his life spreading fear and terror among the ethnic minority community, described the publication of the names as a “nasty piece of intimidation.”
One party member, who we are calling Robin B to protect his publicly known identity, called us about his experiences since his address was published. “It’s been horrible, I can tell you. Yesterday afternoon I was minding my own business, on my way home from pushing dog shit through the letterbox of a Somalian family. As I approached my front door a group of teenagers started shouting at me for no reason, calling me a racist c**t and mocking my pale white face and short stature. I cannot believe that in Britain today people will target someone just for what they believe and how they look.”
Robin, a High Court Judge, went on to describe his evening. “All night they were calling and shouting at me. This was a shame as I had friends coming round to help me leave obscene messages on the answer phones of leading black politicians.”
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
The defeated Republican presidential candidate met with President-elect Obama Monday to discuss how they can work together for the good of the nation following the bitter and divisive election campaign. According the aides, the meeting was constructive and cordial, and McCain appreciated the respect shown to him by his former rival. Agreement was reached on the principles of several important pieces of legislation that both men will work on in the New Year.
But Palin is reportedly furious that McCain shook hands and sat down with Obama. She made her feelings clear live on CNN addressing a baying mob gathered in her home town of Wasilla, Alaska.
“Barack Obama has dangerous plans for our country and dangerous plans for you. Bill Ayers will be Defence Secretary, he’s gonna sell all you white women to Arab princes, convert us all to Muslimianity, and make our kids gay and have force them to have sex with animals. I love John, but if he cares about freedom and truth then he should have shot this fake American dead with one of the guns that we have the God given right to carry, you betcha.”
McCain was measured in his response. In a statement he refused to condemn Palin’s comments directly. “I remain proud and honoured to have campaigned with Sarah. However I am concerned that she has turned the corner and is walking into the asylum. We should all pray for her and those who cross her path at this present time.”
100 members of the South West Surrey Women’s Institute (WI) were half way through a cruise from Madagascar to Kenya when it was announced that Daylight Travel was going into administration and that the captain had no funds to purchase any more fuel. Soon after, the boats engines failed, leaving them adrift on the Indian Ocean. The Sirius Star oil tanker happened to be in the vicinity and answered a call for help. But while the crews were discussing how to fix the engine and get back to shore, the women were meeting in the dining room and calling for action.
Our reporter has been granted exclusive access to the ladies’ ringleader via satellite phone. Speaking to 67 year old Marjorie Bernard, dubbed ‘Black Skirt’ by her followers, the Stupid Times discovered what happened next.
“Well, we all couldn’t believe what was happening,” the resident of Farnham, Surrey told us. “Some of us had been saving for years for the cruise – our treasurer Dorothy Chambers had cashed in her life insurance and her sister Audrey had sold her car to cover the cost. We felt helpless to be honest, and we really couldn’t see a way out. But then some of the women pushed me forward as they knew I was a good organiser from my days as clerk of the town council, and before long the conversation had moved onto drastic action.”
“We knew that we could have our holiday cut short by this and we couldn’t stand for it. This year has been bad enough as it is, with the price of lamb chops going through the roof and the higher interest on our store cards hitting hard. Most of our husbands have taken early retirement since the financial troubles started and this was our break, or time.”
Marjorie was then called away to force a 78 year old woman suspected of stealing from the ration tin to walk the plank, leaving her first mate Betty Chalfont of Haslemere to continue the story. “So we confronted the crew of the Sirius Star, and demanded that they take us to Kenya so we wouldn’t miss out on the Safari package we had booked. They refused and after a heated argument something in the ladies snapped. Those of us from the judo club made short work of the crew and the chair of the knitting circle tied them up. We caught a few trying to escape later that night, so sadly we had to slit their gizzards and string them up as a warning to others.”
When asked what they want, the ladies have modest claims. They want their safari, and they want the holiday they paid for in full to carry on without interruption. They would also like a barrel of tea and a hundred boxes of Mr Kipling cakes to last them the rest of the week, and for the smelly cargo to be switched to lavender oil.
In an opinion piece in Monday's paper, Phillips explained that Britain's position has become untenable.
"We are all responsible for the mistakes of the 1960s generation. Gays, single mothers and immigrants are mostly to blame of course, but we are perhaps equally to blame for not spitting at them in the street anymore and allowing them to live their sordid, filthy lives in an atmosphere of peace and tolerance. Therefore it is now the duty of every one in England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland to resign, and resign now. Discipline, mistrust, weren't the 1950s perfect, enforced miserable conformity, etc etc."
Despite this strong view, it was not clear if the mass resignation would apply to tabloid writers and self-appointed guardians of the nation's morals. Mail editor Paul Dacre was unavailable to clarify the point as he was busy beating a servant to death for overcooking his toast.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Walking along the street with his trademark man boobs and thumbs on display, the 66 year old one trick pony smiled and waved at reporters on his way to the bank to draw out some of his hundreds of millions of pounds. “It’s really cool man,” he told us. “This was just something we did for a laugh when we were stoned over 40 years ago and everyone forgot about. Yeah, groovy. Now that John and George are dead, I can release it and make even more cash. Right on.”
McCartney was one half of the song writing team with Lennon that led the Beatles to produce some of the most memorable music of all time in the 1960s and gain millions of fans all over the world. However, after the band broke up in 1970 McCartney inflicted the shame and embarrassment of Wings and his solo career on his loyal followers. These days he is best known for marrying and divorcing a one legged lunatic, and spends most of his time with his nose up the arses of the British Royal Family.
Drummer Ringo Starr, who still can’t quite believe his luck 46 years after being hired, is understood to be supportive of the release as he wants to repave his front drive with gold leaf and take long overdue drumming lessons. He has had few discernable achievements since the Beatles and Thomas the Tank Engine pay cheques have long since dried up. He recently asked fans to stop sending him letters in an attempt to remind the world that he is still alive.
At 5pm Pacific Standard Time on Sunday as fire-fighters were tackling the intense blazes engulfing much of southern California, the presidential helicopter Marine One was seen coming into view just outside the town of Oakridge. The men cheered and waved, under the impression that the president had ordered his own personal helicopter into the danger zone to help douse the flames. However, it was on a different mission. Los Angeles Fire Department Captain Steve Ruda described to us what happened next.
“All the men were cheering when the president’s helicopter flew over. We thought that it had been sent to help tackle the fire or maybe Bush had come to see for himself what’s going on.” But as Captain Ruda explained, Marine One was not carrying water. “The cargo door opens and there’s this bald guy throwing out stacks of paper, files, disks and photographs onto the fire. I couldn’t be sure, but he looked a lot like Vice-president Cheney.”
According to reports around the area Marine One made several visits that day, dumping detritus in the most intense fires. A White House spokesman denied that the administration was taking advantage of one of the worst fires in recent Californian history to cover up the illegal activities of Bush and Cheney’s two terms in office. “We are not trying to destroy evidence; all of the drops have been of unusually shaped water balloons. The next batch of balloons will be shaped like computers and tape recorders.”
Meanwhile, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen driving a truckload of water at the flames near Montecito, before jumping out at the last minute, machine-gunning some arsonists and throwing himself into a waiting chopper.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Hillary Clinton’s transition team has revealed that her former rival Barack Obama is on the shortlist for the job of president in her new administration. The New York Senator lost the Democratic primary to Obama and therefore did not take part in the presidential election, but remains convinced that she is in charge.
A close friend told us: “She tends to spend most of the day weighing up the pros and cons of Obama as president and the various cabinet picks that need to be made. She sees herself as a sort of supreme leader, rising above the government, the party and the election results. Frankly, I’m scared she might be one racist remark short of a Republican rally.”
Clinton’s delusions of grandeur began during the election campaign and have progressively worsened. During the primaries she claimed to have run from enemy fire during the war in Yugoslavia, which turned out to be a hallucination she had whilst calmly walking from the helicopter with Chelsea and greeting local children. Her concession speech in June registered with all but her. Husband Bill had to break the news that all the cheering meant she had lost rather than won, prompting a violent tantrum that lasted for several hours until a local vet sedated her with a dart gun.
The former first lady has since become a virtual recluse in her Westchester home and has assembled a team of top advisors to assist with the transition to imaginary power. They include the local doctor, a psychiatric nurse and Jerry the Farmer who attends meetings armed with a cattle prod for when things get nasty.
A guest list of similarly pointless people will be at the event cosying up to Charles, who has become a hero for the irrelevant, directionless and those who are surplus to requirements. His wife Camilla, a frequent winner in the ‘ladies waste of space’ category, will accompany him along with his son William, who Charles hopes will take over the title when a job finally comes his way.
Symbolically for a man who usually gets driven from his bed to the toilet in the middle of the night, he will use the bus to get the venue, and will walk up to collect the gong, instead of being carried as normal. There is also a chance that he might squeeze his own fucking toothpaste onto the brush before bed.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Workers at London’s stock exchange cheered as the line-up for 'I'm a Celebrity...get me out of here' was released and shares surged by 10% in the hours afterwards. Troops fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq laid down their weapons and embraced their colleagues on hearing the news.
The Prime Minister hailed the new series as the beginning of the recovery and praised ITV for its selfless commitment to public service broadcasting in these times of economic strife.
“The sight of Robert Kilroy-Silk, Esther Rantzen and a succession of other pointless nobodies crawling through piles of insects and drinking Kangaroo spunk can only be good for us as we face the most serious challenges of our era,” Mr Brown said in the House of Commons.
“In the Second World War the British people had Churchill’s soaring oratory, strong communities and the Dunkirk spirit to get them through. Now we will have Joe Cole’s fiance in a bikini flirting with that bloke out of Blue to unify the nation. Together we can make Britain great again.”