The people of planet Earth finally came clean today and confessed that economic policy, financial systems and the most basic fiscal concepts are a complete mystery to 99.99% of the population.
Despite acres of newsprint, endless amateur and expert opinions spouted daily, and frequent drunken conversations about the financial crisis in pubs and bars, we as a planet are no closer to really understanding why we’re all broke and the banks are in the shit. As the UK unveils a baffling economic recovery plan and US President-elect Obama keeps going on about sums of cash we can’t even imagine, most people are ready to admit that they switch off the news and put on reality TV and soap operas whenever the bloody credit crunch comes up.
An anonymous source from business consultancy Ernst and Young revealed that an internal survey of his and other city firms concluded that even financial analysts and economic experts don’t have a damn clue what it all means. “The UK government can cut purchase taxes and Obama can promise 2 million new jobs, but at the end of the day we couldn’t give a monkey’s cock. We’re all glued to Desperate Housewives and whacked out on booze and prescription drugs,” he told us after several beers in a London pub. “I’m a so-called senior credit analyst on 200k, and I certainly don’t know what the fuck is going on.”
Further east in the seemingly unstoppable tiger economies of the United Arab Emirates, Kylie Minogue wowed crowds at the $20 million opening party of the $1 billion Dubai Atlantis Hotel last week. A representative of Kerzner International, who built the resort, confirmed that financial ignorance was truly global. “Do you think we would have built this fucking thing if we understood the value of money or had any economic foresight? Of course not, we’re all as thick as pig shit when it comes to money.”