Sales of bratwurst, sauerkraut and leather shorts in terminal decline
Germany has officially entered a recession after government figures showed that the country's economy contracted by 0.5% in the third quarter.
Trade in traditional German goods are suffering badly, as local people turn to cheap versions imported from Poland and other former Eastern bloc nations.
"A negative effect on gross domestic product came from foreign trade, with a strong increase in imports and weakening exports. Basically, we can't afford Bavarian wheat beer and scatology porn anymore" the Federal Statistics Office said.
The last time that the German economy was in recession was the first half of 2003. "This confirms the German economy is in a marked slump," said Klaus Schruefer at SEB. "We will definitely get a further contraction in the fourth quarter, and my order for two barrels of Prussian red cabbage are on hold," he added.
A pessimistic outlook was echoed by Sebastian Wanke at Dekabank: "There won't be an improvement in the fourth quarter. The situation will only get worse - we might have to substitute dogshit for Black Forest Gateau and fill our Apple Strudel with monkey spunk."