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Sunday, December 28, 2008

Man slips into coma reading 5th Christmas round robin letter

As Tony Davies of Exeter sat down on Christmas morning to sift through the cards received from family and friends, he could never have imagined the horror that was contained within the innocuous white envelopes scattered at his feet.

After having breakfast with his wife and children, Mr Davies began reading. At the first round robin from his Auntie Pat in Bristol detailing her hip operation and her son-in-law's new motorbike, he felt nauseous but managed to continue reading other cards. After two more round robins detailing the utter banality of his distant relatives lives he had to go outside for some fresh air and pour himself a scotch.

As his wife Janice told us, he perhaps should have stopped there. "I pleaded with him to give the cards to me, so I could check them for drivel and moronic trivia that people think we actually give a shit about, but he wouldn't listen. He insisted that he would see the funny side eventually and carried on."

At the fourth letter from a cousin that he hadn't seen in twenty years which contained meaningless information about gardening, television programs and cats, Tony became irritable, depressed and tearful. Despite a further attempt by his wife to take away the cards, Tony battled on, but this fight was to be his last.

Unluckily for Tony , the next round robin he opened was from his idiot brother Jim, who had written what was essentially a 6 page surmise on how 2008 was a great year for his family despite unemployment and divorce and listed run of the mill activities by his children as if they were genuine achievements. It was at this point that Tony began to suffer from blurry vision, and loss of motor ability. Janice watched in horror as he slipped away into a coma that he has still not woken from 3 days later.

The prognosis is not good, according to doctors. "Mr Davies suffered deep mental anguish from reading all this boring crap," said a spokesman for Exeter hospital. "He may have got through it but for the section in his brother's letter about the day trip to Bournemouth where he met Les Dennis."

Anti-Round Robin pressure group NO-SHIT has called for a public inquiry into why people think their friends and family want to read all this bollocks and warned people to treat round robins with care, lest they suffer the same fate as Mr Davies.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Santa Claus arrested for drink driving

Millions of children across the world could be waking up to a big disappointment this Christmas morning after Santa Claus was picked up by police yesterday for driving his sleigh under the influence of alcohol.

According to the British police, Santa was making some early deliveries to orphanages and hospitals in London when he was seen stumbling out of a chimney pot near Tower Bridge looking a little the worse for wear. He was intercepted as he prepared to take off outside City Hall and given a breathalyzer test having failed to walk in a straight line. It is understood that Mr Claus was sick over one of the arresting officers and was overheard blaming "too many bloody mince pies and scotch" before falling over.

He is currently being held at Southwark Police station while a legal elf helper travels from the North Pole to bail him out. If convicted, Santa Claus could face a one year ban from driving his sleigh and up to 3 months in prison.

Known around the world for his red face, rotund physique and penchant for whisky, brandy, beer and any other kind of liquor left out for him on Christmas Eve, it’s perhaps no surprise that Mr Claus has been caught drunk in charge of his reindeer, and some media commentators have been asking why it’s taken so long.

Daily Mail hate-monger Melanie Phillips suggested that Santa's love of booze has caused the present binge drinking epidemic, and his shiny red suits might turn boys gay. She also wondered why a grown man was so keen on giving presents to children, before concocting a theory that poor people are responsible for the credit crunch and should therefore return to old fashioned lifestyles of serfdom and slavery to atone for their sins.


Have a Stupid Christmas!!


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Is playing the Martians just about the money for Man U?

Angry officials at Manchester Shitty have labelled the decision of their great city rivals to enter an inter-galactic tournament a ‘cynical money making operation’.

Manchester United recently won the World Club Championship and has now agreed to travel to a galaxy far far beyond in an attempt to be crowned the ‘Masters of the Universe’. But sources close to the trillionaire Sheik owner of Shitty say the move by United is a desperate attempt to usurp them as the most disgustingly rich team on the planet.

Mo Principle, who sits on Shitty’s board said: “We know that Man United have been frustrated in their attempts to sell their new away strip in war-torn and poverty stricken parts of Africa.

So they are now looking to knock-out their shirts across the Solar System in an attempt to make even more cash and challenge our ability to pay the most obscenely high wages to obnoxious, foul-mouthed young footballers.

Selling the club to a corrupt former Thai-President and then a bunch of Sheiks who have never been to Manchester may be seen as distasteful in some quarters. But trying to push crappy merchandise in places like Pluto and Venus is beyond the pale.”

Players and senior management at Old Trafford have dismissed Shitty’s accusations, saying they are just jealous at not having the opportunity to test their abilities against eleven little green men.

However, they have acknowledged that travelling millions of miles at the speed of light for a mid-week game may leave them a little leggy for the weekend trip to Hull.

Raul Mouth, a Spanish member of Sir Alex Ferguson’s coaching staff: “We believe Rooney and Ronaldo will be able to get in behind the Martians and grab us that all important away goal. If we can knock-out a few scarves and hats from the back of the team bus at half-time then all the better.

We just have to hope that playing in temperatures in excess of 1000 degrees will not hamper us too much and their referee will not object to our boys cheating and calling him a fucking wanker.”

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Obama appoints Britney Spears to head up White House Office of Vacuous Celebrity

As the President-Elect puts the finishing touches to a Cabinet comprised of former presidential rivals, experienced governors, senators and experts in their field, he has today announced an appointment that will prove his commitment to America’s favourite pastime.

The new Office of Vacuous Celebrity (OVC) will be a key part of Barack Obama’s White House and will ensure that the pointless activities of actors, singers, socialites and their hangers-on are at the heart of administration thinking and inform new policy from the outset. Obama has tapped world famous pop star and fruitcake Britney Spears to serve as the first director of the OVC and revealed his new ‘gossip girl’ at a press conference in Chicago.

“We as a nation are in the deepest economic crisis since the 1930s,” he told the gathered press. “It’s going to damage a lot of lives, and will take a lot of hard work to pull us out. But today I pledge that I will keep you distracted from the worst of the crisis with a revolution in celebrity news, views and sexy action. Ms Spears has long experience of getting acres of media coverage for achieving little and displays almost no talent. She has in my view the right skills and experience to lead the OVC and keep Americans more interested in lurid tabloid headlines than their own empty lives and broken dreams.”

Spears took to the podium to accept the nomination and slurred through her priorities for the task ahead. She immediately made good on her promise to hit the ground running by bursting into tears, flashing her ass at the assembled reporters and shaving her head. She was then strapped to a stretcher and dragged screaming to her new transition office by ambulance, with a convoy of paparazzi in tow and several network news helicopters overhead.

Sky moves towards 3D broadcasts of the same shit

The Sky 1 schedule for Christmas 2008

Sky TV says it has made a significant step towards bringing the usual crap to British viewers via the medium of 3D television.

The satellite broadcaster says it has successfully tested the delivery of shite 3D programming to a domestic television, via a high-definition set-top box. The Simpsons, the only worthwhile program on the Sky channels, is not likely to be made in 3D in the near future, leaving people wondering what the point is.

Truly appalling programmes like Stargate SG1, Road Wars, Ross Kemp in Afghanistan, and the 50 greatest TV endings will only have their crapness enhanced by the 3D technology as people realise that the CGI in Stargate is poor and that Ross Kemp is actually only 4 feet high.

Such broadcasts would also require the purchase or theft of expensive 3D televisions, which are not yet available in UK stores or locked vans, and viewers would need to wear 3D polarising glasses that they can't afford or buy off a Nigerian bloke in a pub.

However, sport appears to be the main draw for the technology amongst British viewers. Sky Sports presenter Georgie Thompson said: "Now we will be able to watch our national teams get thrashed at football, cricket, rugby, tennis, golf and a host of other sports in glorious 3D."

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Gordon Brown begs journalists to throw shoes at him on surprise visit to Iraq

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown flew into Iraq this morning hoping to get smacked in the face with some footwear.

Sporting a makeshift target painted on his forehead, Mr Brown is in Baghdad to discuss what a bunch of twats the Iraqis are and has scheduled several long press conferences with free shoes handed to each journalist that comes through the the door.

The PM is understood to be angry at the attention that outgoing US President George W Bush has received for ducking and smiling when shoes were thrown at him on Sunday, and wants to look as cool and relaxed under fire as Bush. He has let it be known he would appreciate having stuff chucked his way, and may grant a private interview to the first attacker.

Chief of the UK Defence Staff Sir Jock Stirrup, who is travelling with the PM, explained that Brown wanted to generate some international headlines and improve his image.

"Instead of a dour Scot who would probably get his nose busted by a shoe and start crying and shouting, Gordon wants to be a man who can duck missiles thrown at him like Bush did. Then he wants to practice making lightweight wisecracks and continue talking crap about the war, oblivious to to the cultural significance of the act."

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Shock in world markets as Madoff admits he knew what he was doing

Investors are reeling from the announcement by investigators that fraudster Bernard Madoff understood the financial system and knew how to manipulate it.

The Wall Street Times has learned that Mr Madoff, a hedge fund manager and investment adviser, spent most of his time in the office dealing with money matters rather than on the golf course or chasing women like his counterparts in other companies.

Leading Spanish, British and Japanese banks say they could be facing losses of billions of dollars from the $50 billion fraud perpetrated by Madoff, but they aren’t too bothered as his proven ability to successfully work the markets for personal gain has restored their faith in the banking system.

A leading investor at fucked bank Merrill Lynch admitted to us that he had spent most of the last few years playing World of Warcraft and other games online or drinking in his private club before returning to the office each day to submit invented figures to his boss. “Me and the boys at work can’t believe it, this guy actually understood what all these numbers mean? I never got the hang of it in 30 years – how did he?”

Outgoing Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson surprised journalists by praising Mr Madoff at a press conference, saying that his expertise in defrauding financial institutions over many years was shining example of talent in a sea of shitty incompetence. “This is a man who knew how the financial system operated and we should thank him for that. Of course he broke the law according to some, but his achievements in economic awareness should not go unnoticed.”

Paulson, a former banker himself, went on. “That thing he did, using new money to pay interest on old investments that were worth nothing - that is some genius man. Why didn’t I think of that at Goldman Sachs?”

Monday, December 15, 2008

UK house prices to ‘reflect actual value’

The head of Barclays Bank has warned that people may soon start buying and selling homes for what they are actually worth.

John Varley made the comments following the revelation that house prices were likely to fall by up to 30% over the next year, and the complete banker advised that all those dingy Victorian terraces in the southeast that we shelled out half a million quid on will then be worth a price that is within the realms of sanity.

Posh idiot and professional property pisser-abouter Kirstie Allsop choked on her caviar when she heard the news and was seen scurrying off in the direction of Kensington to try and convince stupid rich people that they should continue purchasing homes for an over-inflated sum and deck them out like Parisian boudoirs, before knocking them off with a hefty mark up to another stupid person with more money than sense.

Normal people however are simply trying to get by. John Davies, an unemployed gas fitter from Croydon, has just had his house taken away and faces a nightmarish Christmas. “The bastard in-laws have offered to put us up and the bloody wife said yes! I’d rather see my kids sleeping rough than spend 10 minutes with her fucking cow of a mother.”

Meanwhile, international investors' lack of confidence in the UK economy has seen the pound hitting new lows against the euro: last week one pound was worth ‘fuck all’, a drop from ‘piss all’ the previous week. Chief Secretary to the Treasury Yvette Cooper agreed that things were looking bad for the pound, but would not confirm reports that the government was planning to step in to shore it up.

“I think the public will agree that the real question is how much will champagne and lobsters cost on my Christmas holiday in the south of France? Last year a meal was the equivalent of £350 per head, is it now going to be more like £450? Someone needs to provide some answers and fast.”

Sunday, December 14, 2008

World condemns man for missing Bush's face

Just a few of the shoes that world leaders would like to throw at Bush

International leaders and commentators have called for the "harshest possible punishment" to be used against the man who failed to hit George W Bush in the fucking face with his shoes.

At a press conference with Iraqi PM Nouri Maliki, an Iraqi journalist was wrestled to the floor by security guards after he called Mr Bush "a dog" and threw his footwear, just missing the president.

Politicians around the world have expressed shock and awe that he missed the president's grinning face, and insisted that if they had been there, they would have smashed the bastard's nose right in.

Prime Minister Zapatero of Spain broke off from talks with union leaders to speak of his regret that Bush wasn't twatted in the chops. His Australian counterpart Kevin Rudd released a statement condemning the journalist for missing Bush's eyes and called for him to be tried at the Hague for "pissing away a perfect set up. "

There has also been surprise that Bush managed to duck out of the way, given that he has trouble recognising his own Cabinet and often mistakes the door to the Oval Office for the White House soda machine. "This is a man who once almost choked to death on a pretzel," said UN secretary general Ban Ki-moon. "How in the name of god was he able to avoid a dead cert from a few metres away?"

Friday, December 12, 2008

UK to Harry Hun - Fucken OFFEN!!!

The war of words over the UK’s approach to the financial crisis has descended into personal insults, as the Germans make the most of their chance to have a go at us again at last.

“You see, zees Englander svine do not understand ze vay money vorks,” the German finance minister told reporters in Berlin. “Vot these idiots need to do is keep printing money until ze hyperinflation happens, yah. Bread vill then cost millions of pounds per loaf and then ze people will start buying ze veel barrows to carry it around in. The boost to ze economy from veel barrow sales alone vill save ze financial system and put England on ze road to recovery.”

When questioned further, Herr Steinbruck outlined the next stage of his recovery plan. “Following zis, a charismatic young politician vill unite ze nation and lead them to ze victory. It vould also help if they stopped laughing at ze toilet, built some guten cars and learned to cook ze cabbage properly.”

British politicians and tabloid newspapers were scathing in their criticism. “What did we fight the war for? To let some sausage sucking kraut root through our turds with a biro?” ranted shadow foreign secretary William Hague. “This is just yet more Eurocrat nonsense,” said Europe minister Caroline Flint, “next they’ll be telling us to wear leather shorts and walk together in lines, raising our legs at a pronounced angle.”

The Daily Mail has responded by printing the names and addresses of all Germans living in the UK and calling on it’s readers to form mobs and attack them. Insane columnist Melanie Phillips wrote: “The Germans have tried and failed to conquer this country before - we cannot let single mothers, asylum seekers and gays help them succeed this time.”

The current tit-for-tat abuse is reminiscent of the quarrels between Adolf Hitler and Neville Chamberlain in the run up to World War 2. Then Chamberlain referred to the Fuhrer as a “one-bollocked poofter”, following the collapse of peace talks, while Hitler called the Prime Minister a “skinny prickenfocker” at the outbreak of war in 1939.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Blair looking for a new buddy

A senior advisor to Tony Blair has leaked a secret dossier to the Stupid Times detailing plans to make the former British PM Barack Obama’s new best friend.

The document reveals how the former Prime Minister will sever ties and denounce all the policies of George Bush in an attempt to win over the new President ‘Elect’. Ultimately Blair is seeking to be appointed to a specially created position called ‘Guardian of the Special Relationship’. From here he will be able to ensure that whoever is in the White House will have a British politician to walk all over on a daily basis.

Blair’s office initially denied all knowledge of the dossier to the Stupid Times. However, 45 minutes later an aggressive scotsman called back to confirm its existence but then dismissed it as ‘dodgy’ and not to be trusted. However, a reliable source revealed the former PM was deeply concerned about no longer having the ear of the US President.

“Despite appearances Tony never really liked George and was always strongly opposed to the Iraq War. He only went along with it because he knew he was the only person able to keep the American gung-ho approach in check.

“Apart from the fact that up to 500,000 people have been killed he feels to have been successful in his mission. What you have to remember is that Tony has always been a big fan of money, power and celebrity. Obama has all of these and so he wants to be his mate, even if his actions once again expose him as a principle free zone.”

The White House was nonplussed by the story and Obama’s spokesman said the President Elect was much more interested in having the tasty Argentine President round for tea.

“There is also the small issue of Blair having achieved fuck all as peace envoy to the Middle East. I don’t think Tony realises that working for JP Morgan and making crappy speeches in China is not a great help to people living in the Gaza Strip.”

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Democrats also corrupt bastards

The jubilation following the election of Barack Obama as president ground to a halt today as the governor of Illinois was arrested for trying to sell the now vacant senate seat.

Rod Blagojevich, a Democrat, has sole responsibility for selecting Obama's successor as junior senator from Illinois. The process should be transparent and should aim to select the best person for the job. Blagojevich on the other hand, was recorded making phone calls, swearing at officials and discussing the value of the appointment to him personally.

All this has greatly depressed the millions of na├»ve Democratic activists who worked tirelessly for Obama's election and the party's solid majorities in Congress. Terri Lewis of California admitted that her previous belief that the party was infallible was now shattered. "I never really appreciated that the Dems could use public office for their own means. With Clinton's unblemished record, we couldn't imagine that a Democrat governor would do something like this."

However, Lewis was enthusiastic about a young prosecutor called Patrick Fitzgerald who had promised to get to the bottom of the problem. "He's gonna unite us and solve this problem. He's also really cool."

Monday, December 8, 2008

New Commons Speaker to be chosen on reality TV show

With Michael Martin's time as Speaker of the House of Commons coming to an end, MPs have been looking at ways to update the process of electing his successor.

Following the controversy over the arrest of Damian Green, it is expected that Mr Martin will announce his departure in the next few months. Previously the Speaker was chosen through archaic methods such as voting and counting, but now members wish to bring the selection of their presiding officer into the 21st century.

A new primetime show called I'm an MP......get me in the Chair! will be aired on ITV1 for two weeks during the election process with the candidates for the job put through various tests at a camp in the New Forest. The public will vote off one MP each night by phone. Presented by Ant and Dec, the tasks will inlcude drinking steaming hot bowls of horseshit, climbing up trees to get food rations, and eating genitals in an attempt to prove they are the best person for the job.

The final two candidates will have to strip down and take part in a naked mudwrestling contest to decide the eventual winner of parliament's most prestigious post.

Harriet Harman, the Chairman of the Modernisation Committee, denied that MPs were dumbing down the process. "We have to realise that people today are not switched on to politics and the democratic process, especially young people. We firmly belive that the sight of senior members of the house vying for the speakership by eating cows cocks and fighting eachother in a pit of filth will help us to reconnect with the electorate."

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Stupid people won't get you pregnant

Imbeciles around the world are celebrating today as scientists in the UK revealed that clever people are more likely to knock you up.

Those thickos that are able to understand the concept of science and human reproduction are planning to hit the pubs, bars and clubs tonight in order to test out the new theory. Scientists believe that women will now be more likely to have one night stands with idiots if their chances of getting pregnant are lower.

Cretins apparently have a poorer quality of sperm compared to boffins according the the research, and therefore it is more likely to swim back out or head for the nearest rest area rather then plough on to find an egg.

Lead researcher Dr Rosalind Arden said: "This means that women hoping for a no-strings knee trembler should look for men who can barely write their own name to avoid an unwanted pregnancy. If however they do want a baby, someone like Stephen Hawking or Bill Gates will be the best lay. Whether it will be any good is another matter."

Friday, December 5, 2008

Putin to join Obama’s team

Barack Obama has shown he has got a few more surprises up his sleeves by naming Vladimir Putin as his National Security Advisor.

The President-Elect announced that he had spoken to the Kremlin and they had agreed to release Putin from his position as Prime Minister. Speaking at a press conference at his local basketball court Obama explained to reporters that a bi-partisan approach was much more than just getting the Democrats and Republicans to work together.

"I am a firm believer in the adage that you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer. That is why I appointed Hillary Clinton as my Secretary of State and this is why Vladimir Putin will be working to keep us all safe. Having Putin on board will mean good relations with the Russians and no Americans giving us any shit from abroad. Well not unless they fancy a spot of Plutonium with their cofee that is."

Obama batted away questions about whether a former member of the KGB who had brutally recreated a one-party state in Russia was suitable to work in the White House. While practising his lay-ups he reminded the press corp that this was a new kind of politics and Putin would be his 'go to guy' when the game got tight and the US were playing heavy defence. He added that it may also mean the White House getting an early heads-up when Russia was about to attack and then butcher one of the former Soviet States.

Putin was away in Siberia wrestling with polar bears and so was unable to comment. However, a spokesman said that Putin's first priority would be to eliminate all internal threats, starting with a programme of rounding up US-based Ukrainians and indiscriminately torturing them. 

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Bank of England 2% rate cut - your stupid questions answered

The Bank of England has cut interest rates to 2% apparently to help tackle the economic crisis. We don't really know what the fuck that means, but here goes nothing.

Will my mortgage be cut quickly?

The government certainly hopes so, but it is really just pissing in the wind. In November, it put huge pressure on lenders to pass on the full 1.5% cut in Bank Rate straight to their borrowers, even though many banks did not really want to and didn't even though your tax money bailed them out and paid for the Christmas piss ups. The fact is the banks are a bunch of bastards, so don't expect any favours or sympathy from them.

What about savers?

Sorry people. Those that haven't got themselves into oodles of debt are likely to be shagged up the arse pretty hard as well. If you've got £20,000 tucked away to pay for little Tommy's law degree, you'd best book him into a plumbing course now.

Will my loan or overdraft be cheaper?

Of course not, you prick. The banks have got you by the bollocks, and are going to keep squeezing until you become a mezzo soprano.

I am dead keen to buy a flat or house. This is all good news, surely?

Are you on drugs? You've got more chance of becoming pope than you have of buying a one bed shoebox in the home counties. The estate agents have all gone bust, and the bank managers are throwing darts at your picture as we speak.

Will this help the economy recover?

Like fuck will it. We're all doomed.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Queen to open parliament to buyers

As the British economy teeters on the brink of bankruptcy, the government has come up with an innovative way to raise some hard cash.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has decided to cancel the traditional state opening of parliament today and instead is selling the Palace of Westminster.

The Queen will be in attendance at the historic building from midday with the usual pomp and pageantry accompanying tours for prospective buyers. The palace will be for sale in separate sections to maximize revenue, with the plush interior of the House of Lords and the sweeping views from Big Ben expected to generate the most interest.

A succession of middle eastern princes, Texan oil billionaires, and footballers with more money than sense will be shown through the opulent corridors and rooms by Queen Elizabeth and other royals with price tags in the billions demanded for a chunk of the building.

Chancellor Alistair Darling defended the sale and denied that it is an assault of British history and democracy. "Parts of this building might date back almost a thousand years, but that's how long it will take us to pay off the national overdraft if we don't get some money fast."

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Bush regrets Iraqi WMD lies failure

Outgoing President George W Bush has admitted that he regrets being caught making up intelligence about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction.

In a wide ranging interview, Bush admitted that it would have been 'tough to come up with a convincing case' if he hadn't used the WMD issue as a smokescreen for the invasion, which was always going to happen anyway.

But he showed remorse that the lies that he and Dick Cheney used to force the war on Congress and the American people had come to light. "You know, I don't spent too much time on it, but I wish we'd gotten away with it," he told ABC News. "I will leave office with my head held high, but in Texas they like straight talkers, so it would have been nice to be remembered as honest. But hey, what's done is done."

When asked about his greatest achievement, the 43rd president chose the installation of 'ideological thugs' at the helm of the Republican party. "The GOP of my father's generation may not have been perfect, but they at least had some sense of duty and honor. I'm proud to have reduced the party to a smoldering heap of hate and recrimination."

© The Stupid Times, 2008 - 2009

DISCLAIMER: The Stupid Times is a satire blog. All stories are created as parodies of the real news. We hope.