Cheney ordered CIA to cover Bush's mouth

The head of the Central Intelligence Agency has accused former Vice-President Dick Cheney of masterminding a secret plot to keep President George W Bush's mouth the fuck closed.

Congress, the judiciary and the media were all unaware of the plan to keep the President locked in a small room at the White House, or cover his mouth with masking tape when he was allowed out in public.

New CIA director Leon Panetta revealed the covert operation to Senators having discovered it a few days ago. He has since cancelled the program, as new President Barack Obama has proved that he can co-ordinate his thought and speech and string a sentence together without sounding like a complete asshole.

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) attacked Cheney and the previous administration for potentially breaking the law by trying to keep the Commander-in-Chief under wraps, even if he is an idiot.

"This is a big problem," she said. "I understand the need of the day in shutting up a crap president... but I think you weaken your case when you go outside the law and use industrial tape to cover his mouth when a bullet in the brain might be kinder."

Meanwhile, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi expressed shock at the revelation, but also queried why it had been so unsuccessful.

"Bush managed to fuck this country up the ass during his 8 years in power - and he was also responsbile for some of the greatest gaffes in American political history. But the CIA were supposed to be keeping him out of the way? As far as I can tell they failed miserably. Someone needs to pay for that failure."

Sarah Palin resignation hands Obama second term

The White House was in a celebratory mood today after President Obama effectively won a second term in office following the Alaska governor's announcement.

Democratic strategists went home and the nascent 2012 re-election campaign was wound down as the former Republican vice-presidential candidate stepped down as governor due to falling popularity at home and blatant positioning for a presidential run.

President Obama's chief strategist and senior advisor David Axelrod was not as pleased as his colleagues. "I'm basically unemployed now," he told us in a Washington bar. "If the GOP are stupid enough to give her the nomination for president in 2012, and they are, then there's no point in having an election. Barack is home and dry."

Palin's down at home style and ignorance of pretty much everything was at first a boost to John McCain's failed presidential campaign in 2008, consolidating his support among conservative Republicans initially distrustful of the maverick senator.

But endless gaffes that made Joe Biden look measured, her inability to name any of the states below Alaska, and her failure to tie her shoelaces properly all combined to give the GOP campaign a negative image against the sleek, ultra modern Obama bid.

Rumours are flying around concerning possible other reasons for the early resignation. These range from an affair with a moose to some kind of principled stand. But whatever the reason, local Republican politicians couldn't decide if it was a good thing or not. Senator Linda Murkowski, whose father's political career was wrecked by Palin, was visibly torn.

"I am deeply disappointed that the governor has decided to abandon the state and her constituents before her term has concluded," she told us during an expletive filled phone call. "We are probably going to get our asses kicked in the 2010 mid-terms thanks to the crazy bitch, and she has left us to take the flak. But then, at least she's gone. Thanks fuck she's gone."

Jackson family demand second audit

Jackson family want second autopsy @ Yahoo! Video

Michael Jackson's family have demanded a second assessment of the star's finances because they still have questions about what the fuck happened to all his money.

Jackson's relatives are said to want answers from the singer's personal accountant, who has since disappeared leaving only a holiday brochure for the Maldives.

Rev Jesse Jackson, who is a family friend, said: "What in the name of God, Jesus, Muhammad and Abraham did that guy spend his money on? He earned almost a billion dollars and all that's left is a suitcase full of toys and a jar of peanut butter. What the hell did he do with it? Was he using $100 bills for toilet paper?"

Jackson's estate is estimated to be $500 million in debt, with assets barely covering that. Once legal fees and payouts to creditors and benefactors are taken care of, the family expect there to be around 78 cents left in the pot.

Michael Jackson death conspiracy theories break out in record time

Just seconds after the King of Pop was pronounced dead at UCLA Medical Center, the first paranoid delusion about his whereabouts was invented by a crazed fan.

At 2.27 pm Dwight Santos, an unemployed toilet cleaner from Oakland, California, was announcing to the media and anyone else who would listen that he had seen Jacko escaping from the back door of the hospital disguised as a nun. According to Santos, the singer is now en route to a small island in the Caribbean, where he will live out his days as a fruit farmer called Thomas Di Loco.

Not wanting to be outdone, another superfan created a fragile tissue of lies a few minutes later. At 2.29 pm Elisa Chan began telling the assembled throng that she sighted Jackson strapping on a jetpack and flying off towards LAX airport. She explained that the Peter Pan of Pop was going home to his birthplace at Gary, Indiana before taking a flight to Greenland to live with a remote community of Eskimos.

However, one conspiracy theory that isn't being talked up is perhaps the most realistic. Jacko had agreed to do 50 massive comeback shows at the O2 Arena in London this summer, and some think he is shitting bricks and has therefore faked his death and gone into hiding until it all blows over. Sadly, like the singers face and all the other theories, this is completely fake.

RIP Michael Jackson, 1958 - 1982

RIP Wacko Jacko, 1982 - 2009
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Green now a luxury as Obama unveils banking plans

The US government has announced a major reform of banking regulation to prevent future financial crises. Wall Street traders have today crapped their pants in response.

The overhaul will require big banks to put more money aside against future fuckups and to curb excessive theft and larceny.

Consumers will get a special agency to offer a noose or a cyanide pill when they realise they can't pay their mortgages and credit cards.

In outlining the reforms, President Barack Obama described them as the biggest smackdown on bankers since the 1930s.

"We are gonna kick your asses into a period of sustained economic growth. You motherfuckers laid this shit, and now we are gonna rub your faces in it," he said. "Greenback, dough, bread, notes - it's all gone."

The president then went into a nuanced and complex description on the sub-prime mortgage crisis, its root causes and potential legacy. The White House reporters responded with a barrage of questions about Malia and Sasha's sports prowess at school.

Al-Qaeda deputy denounces Obama for GM takeover

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A message attributed to the deputy leader of al-Qaeda has denounced Barack Obama as an "economic vandal" as the US president begins his Middle East trip.

Ayman al-Zawahiri said Mr Obama's initial promise to mend fences with the Muslim world had been shattered by his "socialist agenda" of destroying the American motor industry by taking over General Motors.

The Egyptian-born Ayman al-Zawahiri is often referred to as Osama Bin Laden's right-hand man and al-Qaeda's chief ideologue. He said Mr Obama would not be welcome in Egypt or the wider Arab world, as the region's people are big fans of US shock jocks such as Rush Limbaugh.
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Obama hopeful on Mid-East peace talks icebreaker

.A basketball game was considered too violent and open to cheating
(Picture courtesy of abc news Australia: www.abc.net.au)

After 61 years of statehood and decades of violence, Israel took a step towards normality today as a key dispute with the Palestinians was resolved.

Following secret talks hosted at the White House by President Obama, Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak has revealed 'teach a talent' as the icebreaker for the first round of peace negotiations.

The fun game is played in pairs with 1 representative from the Israeli government and 1 from the Palestinian side teaching each other a skill or party trick. It is hoped that this simple act will dissolve hundreds of years of enmity between the two peoples. Hamas have been offered a spot at the talks, as long as they promise not to teach Prime Minister Netanyahu how to make pipe bombs.

Agreeing the warm-up was in itself a tough call. Several late night meetings dragged on til dawn as Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas refused to budge on using 'Back-2-Back drawing', and Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman demanded they play 'Pin the Tail on the Palestinian'.

Barak, a leading moderate voice in the government, eventually stepped in and brokered the deal.

"I was certain it was possible to agree an energizer and certainly necessary to act with all our might to achieve this first step before I turn 70, which will be in three years, as I really did not want to be still talking about bloody team-building exercises then," he told us outside the BamerKaz team building center between Haifa and Tel Aviv, which will host the meetings.

Obama praised all sides for reaching the historic compromise, saying that the icebreaker was a key part of both people's future.

"Diplomacy is always a matter of a long hard slog, and there's no better way to ease the tension at the start of a long meeting" he said.

"Not only is it in the interest of the Palestinian people to get to know their enemies better before the talks, it's in the interest of the Israeli people to calm the fuck down and chill the fuck out," he said.
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Obama Cheney faceoff in national security spelling bee

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"Now spell MEGALOMANIA, Mr Cheney."

The closest President Barack Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney came to direct competition in the past were attacks and rebuttals during the 2008 campaign.

But yesterday the long awaited clash of these two political titans took place in the form of a spelling bee at two separate locations in Washington, D.C. The mood of the contest was focused squarely on keeping America safe.

In an hour long challenge the two men faced each other via satellite link, Obama at the National Archives, Cheney at the American Enterprise Institute, and spelled out words selected by a panel of security experts.

Taking the first word was Cheney - former Vice President, Defense Secretary, Representative and White House Chief of Staff. When asked to spell HUBRIS he fluffed it with H-U-B-R-E-S, giving an early advantage to his opponent.

President Obama, a former Senator from Illinois, succeeded on his first challenge, correctly spelling H-E-A-L-I-N-G. He held the edge over Cheney for several rounds until the Wyoming GOP giant drew equal at the end of round 10.

For the tiebreakers, Cheney succeeded in spelling WATERBOARDING on the first attempt but Obama struggled with CLUSTERFUCK, asking to hear it in a sentence. "The Bush-Cheney administration was an excellent example of a CLUSTERFUCK in government," replied the panel, and then Obama gave the correct answer.

However, the final tiebreaker saw the contest go to the President. He confidently spelled out INTERROGATION and sat down sure of victory. Cheney was asked to spell HUMILITY and immediately lost his footing. Asking for a sentence, he was given "You sir, do not appear to have a single fucking shred of HUMILITY you crypto-fascist piece of shit."

Looking distraught, Cheney admitted defeat and sank into his chair.
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Primate fossil is missing link between humans and bankers

The remains of a lemur-like creature with sharp teeth and a long rat-like tail have been unveiled by scientists in the United States.

The fossil, nicknamed ISA, is claimed to be a "missing link" between today's higher primates - monkeys, apes and humans - and our more primitive relatives - bankers, stockbrokers and hedge fund managers.

The team have recreated the lifestyle of the species, which included lending massive amounts of fruit and seeds to insects that could never hope to pay it back, drinking the sap of trees out of crystal goblets, and shitting on forest floor residents from a great height.

They have called it Fuckingus bastardus, to represent the unique place it held in pre-history and the most common term used to describe its modern day descendants.

Sir David Attenborough, who will present a BBC documentary on the discovery said: “This little fucker is going to show us how bankers evolved into the scum-sucking shitbags that destroyed the world economy. The money might be gone, but the link is no longer missing.”
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California earthquake caused by Obama abortion speech

.A murderer yesterday

A wave of mid-western outrage hit southern California on Sunday, as President Obama set out a pragmatic and sensible approach to the abortion debate.

Measuring 4.7 on the right wing Richter scale, many liberal minded Californians were disturbed at 8.39pm by the rumbling, ranting, screaming and crying of conservative political commentators in Indiana, where Obama's speech took place, and across Montana, Kansas, Nebraska, Ohio and the Dakotas.

Calling for both sides in the debate to find common ground, the president reaffirmed his pro-choice credentials while talking up birth control and adoption as his favoured solutions.

Meanwhile, residents of Lennox in Los Angeles County reported hearing the voices of Rush Limbaugh and other nut jobs with microphones echoing through the floors of their homes. It is thought that the sound of their outrage travelled hundreds of miles through the Earth's crust to Lennox, in one of the most liberal counties in the nation.

Betty Willis, a baby-killing planned parenthood adviser and mother of 3, was having an early night of deviant, non-procreational sex with her husband of 20 years when Ann Coulter's disembodied voice interrupted them with a rant on how immigrants, gays and abortionists caused 9/11.

"It was awful," Betty told us. "It was like Coulter on the radio or TV, except we couldn't turn the fucking thing off."
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Elizabeth Edwards breaks silence on John's hair

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Former Senator Edwards comes out as a slaphead

The wife of former presidential hopeful John Edwards has revealed what many have long suspected - that her husband is as bald as a ball.

Speaking to chat show queen Oprah Winfrey, she was at times tearful and angry at being lied to for so many years. Mrs Edwards had believed that the lush brown mop was all his for years, but her illusions were shattered during his failed presidential campaign when she discovered his stash of toupees hidden on a campaign bus.

"When we got married, all I asked of John was no hairpieces," she said during the exclusive interview to air on Thursday. "When I found the syrups it was as if my whole world had come crashing down. The boyish charmer I married had turned into a bald weirdo."

Adding to his woes, Edwards is also under investigation by federal authorities. They are looking into $114,000 paid to the Shay's Box of Wigs store in Raleigh, North Carolina, during his presidential bid in 2007-8. Using money from a political action committee for personal vanity products is a crime. Edwards denies any wrongdoing.
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Biden marks 100th gaffe in office

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And that makes 100! Apology letters all round.

Vice-president Joe Biden held a party at his official residence last night to commemorate the latest in a long line of gaffes since he took office.

Starting with shouting 'asshole' at Chief Justice Roberts for fluffing Obama's oath of office, Biden reached the 100 milestone by calling the administration's $789 billion stimulus package 'heap of bullshit' during a conference call with reporters.

Biden has been a faux pas practitioner ever since he entered politics in the 1970s. During his first presidential bid in 1988, he infamously denied stealing UK opposition leader Neil Kinnock's speeches by calling him a 'ginger Welsh prick' and an 'asshole'.

After being selected as Obama's vice-presidential candidate he hit the gaffe trail immediately, pulling a disabled state senator out of his wheel chair then attempting to dance with him, and calling the president to be 'Barack Assholia' at their first rally.

After taking office as the 47th veep he did not disappoint, from accusing Nancy Reagan of practising cannibalism in the White House to announcing that he was originally offered the Secretary of State post by Obama but turned it down because it's 'a bunch of f*cking bullshit'.

Biden's gaffe's are now a central part of the Obama administration. The next 100 are already in development.
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Obama celebrates 100 days by resigning

.'This really isn't worth it anymore', says intelligent family man

President Barack Obama has marked his first 100 days in office by turning over the cabinet table and storming out of the White House for good.

Since taking office on January 20th, Obama has dealt with crisis after crisis and following a tetchy meeting with his top officers today, he finally admitted that he "can't deal with all this shit any more."

Speaking exclusively to the Stupid Times at a downtown DC bar, the former Commander-in-Chief told us that a meeting to discuss the swine flu pandemic was the final straw.

"So we're sitting there talking prevention measures," he said, nursing the 3rd of many Buds consumed that afternoon, "and Sebelius (the new HHS secretary) asks me if we have enough facemasks in the White House for everyone. I'm like OMG, those fucking things don't work anyway, let's get back to the real issue. But then everyone starts begging for masks for them and their families, so I listen to the noise for a while and then I snap. Table goes over, paper and pens everywhere. I'm outta there."

The 44th president admits he had more on his mind and the masks issue was just the trigger.

"Geithner's squeaking fucking voice, Hillary laughing behind my back, Fox News - it's all too much. What can we get done anyway? We've got no money, and even Arlen Specter's knocking on my door now. I for one, do NOT want to spend any time with that asshole for a living."

Obama left the bar several hours later to pick up his stuff and go back to Chicago with the family. But before he left he fired this parting shot to the media and his former colleagues and rivals.

"You won't have Barry to kick around no more. Jon Stewart can kiss my arse if he thought he would ever get round to shitting on me. If you want me I'll be in front of my TV."
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Geithner's internship draws to a close

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"Hang on, little Timmy needs to go to the bathroom."

For 19-year-old student Timothy Geithner, his work experience placement at the U.S. Treasury was a dream come true.

In the 100 days since he arrived at 1500 Pennsylvania Avenue, Geithner has become a popular figure and his trademark squeaky voice was initially a welcome interruption to the sombre discussions of financial crisis.

Starting off in the mail room, within days the New York whizz kid’s mastery of the stimulus package impressed officials and he was increasing sought after for advice. But as the young economics major was given more responsibility, he began to upset the old hands in President Obama’s finance team, especially National Economic Council Director, Larry Summers.

“Larry has been mad as hell this last week and has made it clear that Geithner has to go,” a White House insider told us on condition of anonymity. “He’s convinced that the president is taking all his advice from a mail boy at the Treasury and cutting out the NEC. He’s even cooled his row with Paul Volcker to try and get the political initiative back into the White House.”

Concern over his rising influence is not limited to the executive branch of government. On Capitol Hill there have been calls for Geithner to go back to college early, or take an internship at state level. Representatives Connie Mack (R-FL) and Darrell Issa (R-CA) have issued a joint statement calling for him to ‘step down and grow up’.

Media stories have begun to circulate that Geithner is only being kept on because his father worked with Obama’s late mother in the 1980s, but there have been denied by the White House. The president called the rumors ‘hogwash’ at a recent press conference, and insisted they had only played together once or twice.

But in readiness for his return, his mother is busily spring cleaning Timothy’s room in Larchmont, New York. She told reporters outside their plush house that her son was always clever beyond his years. “He’s got a great brain, no mistake, but some people feel threatened by it – they always have.”

“I hope my Timmy stays at the Treasury for the rest of the semester, but if he comes home I’ll be waiting with open arms” she added.
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AIG want bonuses back to pay for staff party

.Let's drink to the bailout

AIG chiefs, under fire for paying executive bonuses despite a federal government bailout, have changed their minds having seen the quotes for the annual staff shindig.

At a recent Congressional hearing, AIG chairman, Edward Liddy told the board: "Mistakes were made at AIG on a scale that few could have imagined. The $165m paid out to our executives was supposed to go towards our staff night out. We had planned on hiring the Ty Warner Penthouse at the Four Seasons in downtown Manhattan, you know, nothing fancy."

A further inquiry into this alleged claim has revealed that although the American International Group had attempted to book out the $34,000 a night penthouse suite for an entire week, their offer was rejected by Four Seasons management on claims that their last staff night out resulted in a riotous fiasco that made the Oxford Bullingdon Club look like a bunch of little sissy girls.

A Four Seasons manager commented: "The A.I.G. members were all dressed in zoot suits and extinct peacock feathered hats. They ran up an extremely big bar bill ordering Diva Vodka, Hennessey and Cognac, some were even smoking ‘blunts’. They completely destroyed the entire suite. Whilst one member was bleaching the walls another was running around aimlessly trying to inflict as much damage as possible with a hand wash dispenser. They left it like they left the economy, then left with a bunch of supermodels."

President Obama has been reported by the BBC to be 'choked up with anger' over the issue but it is more likely that he was simply choked up with a common cold. "I’m absolutely furious with AIG for misleading the American people and misusing $170bn of Americans’ tax-payer’s money. America needs American business to work for the American people, not against it - forgive me, I’m choked up with anger here," stated Obama with the emotion of a playful dog intrigued by a fly.

A leak from the White House Press Office has revealed that the Democrats must appear to possess this anger emotion in order to convince the U.S. electorate that they have guts - guts that are filled with steak and freedom fries, not just vegetarian tofu.

AIG Chairman Liddy has led the retraction of bonuses by melting down the newly erected solid gold statue of himself posed as Patrick Bateman and donating the financial proceeds to a homeless shelter for former AIG executives down to their last million dollars.

by Kyle Cooper
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Nick Griffin 'modelling himself on Obama' says BNP

.A British racist, an American racist - both utter twats

Nick Griffin, leader of the British National Party, has been so impressed with Obama’s victory that he is claiming to be “Britain’s answer to that American black guy”, according to a BNP Spokesman.

This change is consistent with the BNP’s latest attempt to rebrand themselves as slightly less fascist and slightly less racist than before.

"Nick, who’s always been a political trailblazer, has been following Barack Obama very closely since he was elected President", said the spokesman. "He’s been very impressed by the similarities in their political message. Both talk about change and hope - Obama about changing society for the better and bringing hope for the future, and Nick about changing nice people into racists and hoping that foreigners will go home."

This message is being disseminated by none other than Mr Griffin himself. Speaking at a BNP rally held at the Wartington branch of Asda he proclaimed: “People want change! They want a change to immigration policies, they want a change of government, and they want immigrants to change their migrant ways!"

The BNP is expected to make strong political gains at the next European elections, as Europeans are added to the list of things the BNP hates.

"In the past," said the BNP spokesman, "we’ve focused our attention primarily on immigrants, foreigners, Muslims, black people, Asians, gays, disabled people, women, gay disabled black Muslim women, and such like. But then we realised all of them had something in common. They could all be 'European'. So bang! One more for the list.”

Obama’s office responded to those comments in candid style. "The president is always willing to reach across the political aisle. In this case however, the BNP can kiss his black ass."

by Olivier Roth
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Shock in world markets as Madoff admits he knew what he was doing

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Investors are reeling from the announcement by investigators that fraudster Bernard Madoff understood the financial system and knew how to manipulate it.

In pleading guilty to the charges against him, Mr Madoff has proved that he spent most of his time in the office dealing with money matters rather than on the golf course or chasing women like his counterparts in other companies.

Leading Spanish, British and Japanese banks have losses of billions of dollars from the $50 billion fraud perpetrated by Madoff, but they aren’t too bothered as his proven ability to successfully work the markets for personal gain has restored their faith in the banking system.

A leading investor at fucked bank Merrill Lynch admitted to us that he had spent most of the last few years playing World of Warcraft and other games online or drinking in his private club before returning to the office each day to submit invented figures to his boss. “Me and the boys at work can’t believe it, this guy actually understood what all these numbers mean? I never got the hang of it in 30 years – how did he?”

Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson was full of praise, saying that Madoff's expertise in defrauding financial institutions over many years was a shining example of talent in a sea of shitty incompetence. “This is a man who knew how the financial system operated and we should thank him for that. Of course he broke the law according to some, but his achievements in economic awareness should not go unnoticed.”

Paulson, a former banker himself, went on. “That thing he did, using new money to pay interest on old investments that were worth nothing - that is some genius man. Why didn’t I think of that at Goldman Sachs?”
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Obama pitches new stimulus package to help nation attend U2 tour dates

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Brother can you spare a $100 bill?

President Obama is this morning locked in negotiations with congressional leaders to release federal funds so that Americans can buy tickets for the 2009 U2 concerts announced today.

With the country deep in recession and Bono looking more and more like Mrs Doubtfire every day, the President is keen to raise national morale by allowing people to enjoy the Irish quartet’s emotionally driven rock one more time before they end up crap like the Rolling Stones.

Tickets are expected to cost at least $100 and with jobs haemorrhaging from the economy, most credit cards withdrawn and the average American now living off an annual income equal to the cost of The Edge’s sunglasses, there is widespread concern that normal music fans won’t be able to afford to go.

In a statement, White House Press Secretary David Gibbs explained the motivation behind the talks:

“The president is a huge fan of the group and was honoured to have the American leg kicking off in his home city of Chicago. But he was keen to avoid the sight of Bono and co strutting their stuff to near empty stadia and therefore, this morning he has scheduled extraordinary meetings to prepare a new stimulus package for the tickets.

“There are several options on the table, from a tax credit for every worker equal to the cost of a ticket, to allowing food stamps to be used at Ticketmaster outlets. The President is determined to reach a deal by the end of the day, and is hoping for front row seats for him, Michelle, Malia and Sasha.”

The Stupid Times' Political Rock Editor Harold Watko explained that the money would have an impact far beyond the band and their fans.

“Congressional leaders know that the money won’t just go to one of the richest rock groups in the world. There’s also the hotdog sellers outside the stadium, the guy by the subway hawking fake merchandise, and the prostitutes servicing businessmen on corporate hospitality deals. This will help everyone to get a leg up as they try and ride the recession.”

House and Senate Republicans are however vehemently opposed to the plans. According to insiders, House Minority leader John Boehner went into the talks with a set of pre-conditions he wanted agreed before discussions could even begin. These included a ban on condom sales at the venues, guaranteed support slots for abstinence freaks the Jonas Brothers, and tax breaks for rich rock fans.
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Brown to go down on every member of Congress

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Come on, who's first?

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In his latest attempt to curry favour with the American political classes, UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown is to perform oral sex on all U.S. Representatives and Senators before he flies home.

Having delivered a gut-wrenchingly sycophantic speech to Congress yesterday and buried his face in President Obama’s ass on Tuesday, Brown has asked aides to set up fellatio and cunnilingus tents in the garden of the British Embassy so he can efficiently suck off and lick out the nation’s legislators in a matter of hours.

Orderly queues began forming overnight for the expected start of the head session at 1100 EST. The 100 senators are expected to get the first blows, and the 438 members of the House of Representatives will be up next. A team of paramedics will be on stand by in case any of the elderly lawmakers collapse in ecstasy or Mr Brown gets lockjaw.

It is understood that the ladies will get seen to first and a team of ‘fluffers’ will be employed to keep the men on parade until their turn arrives. UK Foreign Secretary David Miliband is on call to carry out some of this oral diplomacy and was seen practising his technique on a banana last night.

While this will be seen as clear evidence of Brown’s commitment to the special relationship between Britain and America, a diplomatic row is brewing over Bill Clinton’s wish to participate. While not a member of Congress, the red cheeked blowjob fan is an Anglophile and a friend of Brown and therefore expecting some sugar. Brown’s aides are locked in negotiations to reach a compromise and are expected to offer the former president a quick handjob and a ringside seat to the event.

Back home in Britain, Mr Brown’s own people were outraged at the idea of their leader being forced to pleasure 538 people in one day.

“Can’t they hit him with sticks at the same time or something?” said Tony Baker, an unemployed factory worker from Swindon. “Or how about setting some dogs on him afterwards when he’s all tired? After fucking up our economy, this seems like getting off lightly. Nipple clamps?”
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Brown-noser Brown to insert tongue into Obama's brown-eye

.This is how I'll do it, oh yeah Barry...

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown arrives in Washington D.C. today with a plan to be the first European leader to lick President Obama's arse.

Although Japanese premier Taro Aso will have already left the new President's ringpiece as clean as a whistle, Brown will hope that the meeting today will cement the special relationship that has existed between Britain and the USA since World War II.

Also, Brown is hoping that some good old-fashioned brown nosing will help some of Obama's stardust shake off onto him. Speaking to reporters en route to America, Brown cited convention in his bid to bagsy the presidential poo chute for the UK, ahead of France or Germany.

"When Ronald Reagan won the election in 1980, Mrs Thatcher wanted the first lash of his doughnut, and President Valéry Giscard d'Estaing sat back and let her go," he told the press, licking his lips furiously in preparation.

"John Major was allowed the first sniff of Bill Clinton's crack in 1993, and Chancellor Helmut Kohl made no fuss whatsoever. Similarly, Tony Blair flew straight to Washington in 2001 to give George W. Bush's crevice a spit and polish, and Spanish PM Jose Maria Aznar accepted that he would have to wait his turn."

Meanwhile in the USA, as the fall out from the 2008 election continues, senior Republicans have been trading blows over who will get the first run at kicking former president George W. Bush and ex-veep Dick Cheney's teeth in. John McCain is the obvious choice, but he is fighting off 20 odd ex-members of the House and at least 5 former senators for the privilege.
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