Shock in world markets as Madoff admits he knew what he was doing

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Investors are reeling from the announcement by investigators that fraudster Bernard Madoff understood the financial system and knew how to manipulate it.

In pleading guilty to the charges against him, Mr Madoff has proved that he spent most of his time in the office dealing with money matters rather than on the golf course or chasing women like his counterparts in other companies.

Leading Spanish, British and Japanese banks have losses of billions of dollars from the $50 billion fraud perpetrated by Madoff, but they aren’t too bothered as his proven ability to successfully work the markets for personal gain has restored their faith in the banking system.

A leading investor at fucked bank Merrill Lynch admitted to us that he had spent most of the last few years playing World of Warcraft and other games online or drinking in his private club before returning to the office each day to submit invented figures to his boss. “Me and the boys at work can’t believe it, this guy actually understood what all these numbers mean? I never got the hang of it in 30 years – how did he?”

Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson was full of praise, saying that Madoff's expertise in defrauding financial institutions over many years was a shining example of talent in a sea of shitty incompetence. “This is a man who knew how the financial system operated and we should thank him for that. Of course he broke the law according to some, but his achievements in economic awareness should not go unnoticed.”

Paulson, a former banker himself, went on. “That thing he did, using new money to pay interest on old investments that were worth nothing - that is some genius man. Why didn’t I think of that at Goldman Sachs?”
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