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Friday, March 13, 2009

Fat Duck reopens with brand new poison menu

Your E. Coli salad - that will be £300 please sir

After two weeks closed and acres of negative headlines, Heston Blumenthal's world famous restaurant opened it's doors again today with a promise to make it's customers shit themselves inside out - or their money back.

With 12 new toilets installed and a dedicated ambulance team on call, celebrated chef Blumenthal is confident that his revamped food poisoning menu will attract a niche market of brainless rich people who want to experience something akin to giving birth from their arse after a meal.

Newly added dishes include salmonella ice cream, botulism porridge, and listeria sand stew are set to send diners running for the nearest toilet, bucket or hole in the ground just as soon as they have managed to wolf it down without blubbing.

The Stupid Times Runny Poo correspondent Harold Watko explained how the public will welcome the re-emergence of the restaurant:

"The Fat Duck attracts the most nauseating people in society so it is perhaps fitting that they will spend the next few weeks feeling nauseous. They have bankers, lawyers, politicians and a host of social climbers with more money than sense as their regular guests.

"In the midst of a recession normal people will overjoyed that these people are shelling out hundreds of pounds for the privilege of shooting brown water out of their anus for several hours and puking blood into next week."

We caught up with one visitor outside the Fat Duck as she was strapped onto a stretcher ready to be airlifted to hospital.

"Eeeeeuuuuuurrrrrggghhhhhh, euuuuugggggggiiiihhh," said 38 year old Felicity Spencer, as she projectile vomited green chunks across the car park. "It was...euuuggghhhh...delightful darling, fab...oh god, RRRRUUUUUEEEERRRRFFFFGGGHH...I'll defo be back next week, AAAAarrruuUUUuugghhhhh!"

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