Get the best foreign exchange rates online - click now

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

ITV promises no interruption to broadcasts of utter shit

Don't worry, these twats will be around for years

Despite the announcement of 600 job losses across its businesses, ITV has reassured concerned viewers that they will continue pumping complete crap into their homes for years to come.

The announcement came as ITV reported a loss of £2.7bn for 2008 and Jeremy Kyle revealed that Sharon Thomas from Barnsley is actually a man called Dave Smith from Luton and he used to be married to Kerry James from down the road who is shagging Steve who works in Tesco.

Initially there were fears in the industry that gems such as Dancing on Ice, Coleen’s Real Women and Piers Morgan’s Life Stories would be lost from our screens. This would leave telly addicts in need of a fix of mindless bollocks relying on Sky for their evening’s supply of truly terrible programming.

But ITV Chairman Michael Grade has calmed investors by promising to keep all that shit, and also to extend Ant and Dec’s presence on his channels with new hourly mini-shows called Ant and Dec Burn Our Money in which the cheeky duo receive large piles of the company’s limited cash and set fire to it with help from a string of C-list celebrities.

Other highlights for the next year will include That Bloke Off Emmerdale Sings The Blues, Celebrity Cheese-making Challenge, and Carol Vorderman’s Work It Out With A Pencil where the former countdown star helps people with persistent constipation problems.

Grade told reporters he was confident that supplies of god-awful nonsense would be maintained:

“We at ITV pride ourselves in sending the best quality shit into the nation’s homes 24/7. These are the worst times I have ever seen in the industry for funding really poor TV, and the job losses are essential so we can find the money to pay twats like Ant and Dec millions to act like cunts on your screen throughout 2009 and 2010.”

No comments:

Post a Comment

© The Stupid Times, 2008 - 2009

DISCLAIMER: The Stupid Times is a satire blog. All stories are created as parodies of the real news. We hope.