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Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Ireland unites against stupidly named terror groups

Give a warm welcome to the Medium Rare IRA (with pepper sauce)
Thousands of people north and south of the border will take to the streets today to protest against terrorist organisations with ‘bloody silly names.’

Following the recent attacks in Ulster, politicians from all sides of the divide have called for an immediate cessation of violence from groups whose monikers were obviously made up on the back of a fag packet. The comically named Real IRA claimed responsibility for the killing of two soldiers on Saturday. The Continuity IRA, winner of the 2004 stupidest terror brand award, admitted that it shot dead a policeman on Monday.

Martin McGuinness, a former Provisional IRA activist and now Deputy First Minister of Northern Ireland, said it was about time the splinter groups accepted their names are shit and moved on.

“Come on guys,” he said in a direct appeal to the militants on television. “Irish Republican Army – IRA – sounded great, but those days are gone. We knew we were stretching things with Provisional IRA but we got away with it. But this Real IRA and Continuity IRA bollocks has got to stop. What’s next? The Tuesday IRA, the Left-handed IRA, or The Terror Group Formerly Known As The Occasional IRA? Just fucking give it up.”

Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen has convened a meeting of police chiefs from across the island. They will be asked to form a plan to arrest the leaders of groups with crap names made up on the hoof and put them on trial for crimes against wordplay and acronyms.

People are taking part in rallies across Ulster and will then hold brainstorming sessions to come up with better names for the Real IRA and Continuity IRA. Suggestions already buzzing through the streets are ‘Twisted Bastards’ in place of Real, and for Continuity to be replaced by ‘Sick Shitty Hate Filled C*nts’.


  1. What of the 'Provincial IRA'? You make no mention of the struggle of diffident republicans.

  2. They tend to mainly fight in their gardens and repel incursions into their rose bushes

  3. Wow, all this time I thought the Irish Republican Army (IRA) was fighting for an overhaul of the Unites States Individual Retirement Account (IRA) laws. This makes more sense.


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