Having delivered a gut-wrenchingly sycophantic speech to Congress yesterday and buried his face in President Obama’s ass on Tuesday, Brown has asked aides to set up fellatio and cunnilingus tents in the garden of the British Embassy so he can efficiently suck off and lick out the nation’s legislators in a matter of hours.
Orderly queues began forming overnight for the expected start of the head session at 1100 EST. The 100 senators are expected to get the first blows, and the 438 members of the House of Representatives will be up next. A team of paramedics will be on stand by in case any of the elderly lawmakers collapse in ecstasy or Mr Brown gets lockjaw.
It is understood that the ladies will get seen to first and a team of ‘fluffers’ will be employed to keep the men on parade until their turn arrives. UK Foreign Secretary David Miliband is on call to carry out some of this oral diplomacy and was seen practising his technique on a banana last night.
While this will be seen as clear evidence of Brown’s commitment to the special relationship between Britain and America, a diplomatic row is brewing over Bill Clinton’s wish to participate. While not a member of Congress, the red cheeked blowjob fan is an Anglophile and a friend of Brown and therefore expecting some sugar. Brown’s aides are locked in negotiations to reach a compromise and are expected to offer the former president a quick handjob and a ringside seat to the event.
Back home in Britain, Mr Brown’s own people were outraged at the idea of their leader being forced to pleasure 538 people in one day.
“Can’t they hit him with sticks at the same time or something?” said Tony Baker, an unemployed factory worker from Swindon. “Or how about setting some dogs on him afterwards when he’s all tired? After fucking up our economy, this seems like getting off lightly. Nipple clamps?”
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