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Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
The head of the Central Intelligence Agency has accused former Vice-President Dick Cheney of masterminding a secret plot to keep President George W Bush's mouth the fuck closed.
Congress, the judiciary and the media were all unaware of the plan to keep the President locked in a small room at the White House, or cover his mouth with masking tape when he was allowed out in public.
New CIA director Leon Panetta revealed the covert operation to Senators having discovered it a few days ago. He has since cancelled the program, as new President Barack Obama has proved that he can co-ordinate his thought and speech and string a sentence together without sounding like a complete asshole.
Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) attacked Cheney and the previous administration for potentially breaking the law by trying to keep the Commander-in-Chief under wraps, even if he is an idiot.
"This is a big problem," she said. "I understand the need of the day in shutting up a crap president... but I think you weaken your case when you go outside the law and use industrial tape to cover his mouth when a bullet in the brain might be kinder."
Meanwhile, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi expressed shock at the revelation, but also queried why it had been so unsuccessful.
"Bush managed to fuck this country up the ass during his 8 years in power - and he was also responsbile for some of the greatest gaffes in American political history. But the CIA were supposed to be keeping him out of the way? As far as I can tell they failed miserably. Someone needs to pay for that failure."
Saturday, July 4, 2009
The White House was in a celebratory mood today after President Obama effectively won a second term in office following the Alaska governor's announcement.
Democratic strategists went home and the nascent 2012 re-election campaign was wound down as the former Republican vice-presidential candidate stepped down as governor due to falling popularity at home and blatant positioning for a presidential run.
President Obama's chief strategist and senior advisor David Axelrod was not as pleased as his colleagues. "I'm basically unemployed now," he told us in a Washington bar. "If the GOP are stupid enough to give her the nomination for president in 2012, and they are, then there's no point in having an election. Barack is home and dry."
Palin's down at home style and ignorance of pretty much everything was at first a boost to John McCain's failed presidential campaign in 2008, consolidating his support among conservative Republicans initially distrustful of the maverick senator.
But endless gaffes that made Joe Biden look measured, her inability to name any of the states below Alaska, and her failure to tie her shoelaces properly all combined to give the GOP campaign a negative image against the sleek, ultra modern Obama bid.
Rumours are flying around concerning possible other reasons for the early resignation. These range from an affair with a moose to some kind of principled stand. But whatever the reason, local Republican politicians couldn't decide if it was a good thing or not. Senator Linda Murkowski, whose father's political career was wrecked by Palin, was visibly torn.
"I am deeply disappointed that the governor has decided to abandon the state and her constituents before her term has concluded," she told us during an expletive filled phone call. "We are probably going to get our asses kicked in the 2010 mid-terms thanks to the crazy bitch, and she has left us to take the flak. But then, at least she's gone. Thanks fuck she's gone."
Thursday, July 2, 2009
As swine flu fears sweep across Britain, nauseating middle class parents have found a new way to imagine they are yet again in control of another public health scare.
However, efforts by Britain's mums to look superior in the face of expert scientists advising against fads and bullshit ideas are being undermined by the nation's Dads hovering in the garden throughout and drinking too much beer in the garden.
A 'swine flu' party and barbecue in Wimbledon hosted by Ffion Sullivan on Sunday was derailed after Tom Davies, wife of Maria, brought a crate of Kronenbourg despite a no alcohol request. The men soon consumed the strong fizzy lager and spent the afternoon knocking plastic cricket balls over the fence and onto the salad table. Ffion's husband Andrew was "absolutely no help" according to attendees, and was too drunk to stop the sausages from burning.
Meanwhile, things took a more sinister turn in Newbury, Berkshire on Tuesday night. An early evening get together at Sarah and Jon Peters' to allow the ill children to mingle with the healthy ones led to a 7 hour bender after the men went to the pub early on in the evening with the excuse of needing to get more ice cream. Following 5 pints, the men finally returned to the Peters' home at 11:30pm and proceeded to drink all the wine, including that bottle that Sarah was saving for her birthday. A massive row ensued into the early hours with crying children, disturbed neighbours, and shame all round.
Professor Gary Richards of Leeds University cast doubts on the wisdom of swine flu parties. "The strain of flu will mutate in any case, so your kids getting ill now might not help and you're just spreading unwanted infections," he said. "And what's more, all the men will have to take the next day off sick with a hangover."
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
The announcement that the Royal Family cost British taxpayers 69p each last year has sparked calls for a national low price booze rebate system.
Turps nudgers across the country have demanded that the money is returned so they can sit in a park on a sunny day drinking piss warm grog, whilst watching the world go by and possibly shouting at it. 69p is plenty to get a quick hit of cheap strong cider or lager.
Angry Jack, a trap from Tooting Common in south London, shared his outrage with us. "I don't pay fugging tax, but iz still my money!" he told us while vomiting into a bin near the adventure playground. "That ol' bitch has got me sauce, fugging give it back!!"
A bag lady in Edinburgh, who only gave her name as Adele, was equally keen to see the money returned. She communicated this by wailing and spinning round, before collapsing in tears and swearing at passers by.
Over in Llandudno, North Wales, unemployed father of four Tony Morgan said: "It's all very well the Queen saying she is good value for money. But she doesn't have to sit in front of the TV all day - and there is no better value than a bottle of Gaymers for 69p in Netto."
Graham Smith of the anti-monarchy campaign group, Republic, said the cost of the monarchy to Britain's terrible alcoholics was unjustified.
He said: "Once again, the powers that be are taking cans of cheap beer and cider out of the hands of the public. They are probably spending the money on Champagne and Cognac - money that could go much further on some good old rocketfuel from Londis."
Monday, June 29, 2009
Michael Jackson's family have demanded a second assessment of the star's finances because they still have questions about what the fuck happened to all his money.
Jackson's relatives are said to want answers from the singer's personal accountant, who has since disappeared leaving only a holiday brochure for the Maldives.
Rev Jesse Jackson, who is a family friend, said: "What in the name of God, Jesus, Muhammad and Abraham did that guy spend his money on? He earned almost a billion dollars and all that's left is a suitcase full of toys and a jar of peanut butter. What the hell did he do with it? Was he using $100 bills for toilet paper?"
Jackson's estate is estimated to be $500 million in debt, with assets barely covering that. Once legal fees and payouts to creditors and benefactors are taken care of, the family expect there to be around 78 cents left in the pot.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Just seconds after the King of Pop was pronounced dead at UCLA Medical Center, the first paranoid delusion about his whereabouts was invented by a crazed fan.
At 2.27 pm Dwight Santos, an unemployed toilet cleaner from Oakland, California, was announcing to the media and anyone else who would listen that he had seen Jacko escaping from the back door of the hospital disguised as a nun. According to Santos, the singer is now en route to a small island in the Caribbean, where he will live out his days as a fruit farmer called Thomas Di Loco.
Not wanting to be outdone, another superfan created a fragile tissue of lies a few minutes later. At 2.29 pm Elisa Chan began telling the assembled throng that she sighted Jackson strapping on a jetpack and flying off towards LAX airport. She explained that the Peter Pan of Pop was going home to his birthplace at Gary, Indiana before taking a flight to Greenland to live with a remote community of Eskimos.
However, one conspiracy theory that isn't being talked up is perhaps the most realistic. Jacko had agreed to do 50 massive comeback shows at the O2 Arena in London this summer, and some think he is shitting bricks and has therefore faked his death and gone into hiding until it all blows over. Sadly, like the singers face and all the other theories, this is completely fake.
RIP Michael Jackson, 1958 - 1982
RIP Wacko Jacko, 1982 - 2009