Terribly sorry...

The Stupid Times has been and will be suspended for a few weeks due to technical and motivational issues. We would like to thank our reader and assure him that the normal sporadic and half-hearted service will resume in due course.

Britain's Dads overdoing it at swine flu parties

.This will save your child's life - but shorten your husband's

As swine flu fears sweep across Britain, nauseating middle class parents have found a new way to imagine they are yet again in control of another public health scare.

However, efforts by Britain's mums to look superior in the face of expert scientists advising against fads and bullshit ideas are being undermined by the nation's Dads hovering in the garden throughout and drinking too much beer in the garden.

A 'swine flu' party and barbecue in Wimbledon hosted by Ffion Sullivan on Sunday was derailed after Tom Davies, wife of Maria, brought a crate of Kronenbourg despite a no alcohol request. The men soon consumed the strong fizzy lager and spent the afternoon knocking plastic cricket balls over the fence and onto the salad table. Ffion's husband Andrew was "absolutely no help" according to attendees, and was too drunk to stop the sausages from burning.

Meanwhile, things took a more sinister turn in Newbury, Berkshire on Tuesday night. An early evening get together at Sarah and Jon Peters' to allow the ill children to mingle with the healthy ones led to a 7 hour bender after the men went to the pub early on in the evening with the excuse of needing to get more ice cream. Following 5 pints, the men finally returned to the Peters' home at 11:30pm and proceeded to drink all the wine, including that bottle that Sarah was saving for her birthday. A massive row ensued into the early hours with crying children, disturbed neighbours, and shame all round.

Professor Gary Richards of Leeds University cast doubts on the wisdom of swine flu parties. "The strain of flu will mutate in any case, so your kids getting ill now might not help and you're just spreading unwanted infections," he said. "And what's more, all the men will have to take the next day off sick with a hangover."
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Britons ask Queen for their can of cider back

.What the Queen takes from us every year...

The announcement that the Royal Family cost British taxpayers 69p each last year has sparked calls for a national low price booze rebate system.

Turps nudgers across the country have demanded that the money is returned so they can sit in a park on a sunny day drinking piss warm grog, whilst watching the world go by and possibly shouting at it. 69p is plenty to get a quick hit of cheap strong cider or lager.

Angry Jack, a trap from Tooting Common in south London, shared his outrage with us. "I don't pay fugging tax, but iz still my money!" he told us while vomiting into a bin near the adventure playground. "That ol' bitch has got me sauce, fugging give it back!!"

A bag lady in Edinburgh, who only gave her name as Adele, was equally keen to see the money returned. She communicated this by wailing and spinning round, before collapsing in tears and swearing at passers by.

Over in Llandudno, North Wales, unemployed father of four Tony Morgan said: "It's all very well the Queen saying she is good value for money. But she doesn't have to sit in front of the TV all day - and there is no better value than a bottle of Gaymers for 69p in Netto."

Graham Smith of the anti-monarchy campaign group, Republic, said the cost of the monarchy to Britain's terrible alcoholics was unjustified.

He said: "Once again, the powers that be are taking cans of cheap beer and cider out of the hands of the public. They are probably spending the money on Champagne and Cognac - money that could go much further on some good old rocketfuel from Londis."
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Jackson family demand second audit

Jackson family want second autopsy @ Yahoo! Video

Michael Jackson's family have demanded a second assessment of the star's finances because they still have questions about what the fuck happened to all his money.

Jackson's relatives are said to want answers from the singer's personal accountant, who has since disappeared leaving only a holiday brochure for the Maldives.

Rev Jesse Jackson, who is a family friend, said: "What in the name of God, Jesus, Muhammad and Abraham did that guy spend his money on? He earned almost a billion dollars and all that's left is a suitcase full of toys and a jar of peanut butter. What the hell did he do with it? Was he using $100 bills for toilet paper?"

Jackson's estate is estimated to be $500 million in debt, with assets barely covering that. Once legal fees and payouts to creditors and benefactors are taken care of, the family expect there to be around 78 cents left in the pot.

Michael Jackson death conspiracy theories break out in record time

Just seconds after the King of Pop was pronounced dead at UCLA Medical Center, the first paranoid delusion about his whereabouts was invented by a crazed fan.

At 2.27 pm Dwight Santos, an unemployed toilet cleaner from Oakland, California, was announcing to the media and anyone else who would listen that he had seen Jacko escaping from the back door of the hospital disguised as a nun. According to Santos, the singer is now en route to a small island in the Caribbean, where he will live out his days as a fruit farmer called Thomas Di Loco.

Not wanting to be outdone, another superfan created a fragile tissue of lies a few minutes later. At 2.29 pm Elisa Chan began telling the assembled throng that she sighted Jackson strapping on a jetpack and flying off towards LAX airport. She explained that the Peter Pan of Pop was going home to his birthplace at Gary, Indiana before taking a flight to Greenland to live with a remote community of Eskimos.

However, one conspiracy theory that isn't being talked up is perhaps the most realistic. Jacko had agreed to do 50 massive comeback shows at the O2 Arena in London this summer, and some think he is shitting bricks and has therefore faked his death and gone into hiding until it all blows over. Sadly, like the singers face and all the other theories, this is completely fake.

RIP Michael Jackson, 1958 - 1982

RIP Wacko Jacko, 1982 - 2009
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Just eat Big Macs say health experts

.This shit is still healthier than any salad....

The British public are celebrating this morning having been given the go ahead to live on burgers, chips, chocolate and blocks of lard.

Consumer group Which? have undone years of public health education in a single stroke by pointing out that vegetables smeared in gloopy fat based dressings are not much good for you. Most people on the street have taken this as confirming what they have always thought - namely, that salad is a bunch of arse.

As the news broke, lardarses could be seen leaving their homes and waddling to the nearest shops in order to stockpile pastry based foods. Scenes of jubilation have been reported at supermarkets as hordes of flabby bastards clear the aisles of fatty snacks.

Henry Davies, a 20 stone twat from Haringey, north London, said that the announcement had freed him from years of stress over his eating habits. "Basically, I'm been eating salads trying to lose weight, and now I hear it's been worse for me," he told us between doughnuts. "There was me sticking to a strict diet of half a kilo of egg mayonnaise a day with a lettuce leaf balanced on top, and I could have been eating whatever I wanted? It's a bloody outrage. Ooooh, nice filling."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8116933.stm
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Duck charms its way into restaurant customers' mouths

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm...............

Diners at a Hampshire restaurant became so fond of a duck that lived in the garden, they have shot it, cooked it, and eaten it.

Ironically named Crispie, the duck was a regular attraction at The Mill in Lymington until a customer who was told they had run out of regular ducks took out his pistol, blew the creature's brains out and handed the waitress its carcass. "Fucking cook this cunt then," he is understood to have said.

Other guests immediately fell upon the corpse and ripped free their portion, with some demanding it was turned into a nice seared breast steak with a jus d'orange, some wanting it as Chinese pancakes and others wolfing it down raw.

Even the children who had previously delighted in the duck's playful antics were seen scurrying off with slivers of raw duck meat and ripping them apart like feral rats.

The Mill's owner Liz Cottingham said: "What can I say? People in this country love animals, so it was no surprise he became popular. But then, they like eating them even more. Who is going to choose looking at the bastard, when you could be eating it cooked rare with a delicious red wine sauce and a side serving of dauphinoise potatoes?"

Arnold Flemborn, a Professor of Anthropology at Cambridge University, concurred with Mrs Cottingham. "People in this country always go on about how much they love animals, right up until dinnertime. Then all bets are off, as we enter a carnival of killing and greed. That cute spring lamb you were cooing over this morning? Dead and on your plate. The sweet calf you fed at the farm? Dead and in the oven."

Raising a meat cleaver over a squealing piglet, Professor Flemborn ended his analysis on a positive note. "But look on the bright side. I'm having bacon for breakfast, sausages for lunch, and pork chops for tea. Thank you very much Babe."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/hampshire/8108319.stm

Joy in Ulster as prejudice shifts to Romanians

."Where's those fecking bricks then, Ian?"

40 years after the start of the troubles, 25 years since the bombing of Brighton and 11 years on from the Good Friday agreement, the people of Northern Ireland are today celebrating a milestone in the battle against sectarian hatred.

People from across the divide are uniting against a group of Romanians and holding street parties in celebration. As the immigrants windows are smashed in by their parents, Republican and Loyalist children can be seen playing together in the street, an unprecedented sight in this troubled land.

Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness, a former Republican terrorist said: "This is a totally shameful episode, but hey, look on the bright side. Me and old Ian Paisley went down and threw bricks at their houses together earlier. Who would have predicted that?"

Anna Lo of the Alliance Party and the only ethnic minority member of the Northern Ireland Assembly said that the Romanian families were "very frightened." However she was drowned out by First Minister Peter Robinson's impersonation of a Chinese waiter, which received praise and laughter from all sides of the chamber.
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Ahmadinejad resigns over expenses scandal

.I'll get my coat and my nukes that don't exist

Despite widespread public anger and protests over blatant vote-rigging, Iran's president has sensationally resigned over an expenses claim he made for a Corby trouser press last year.

Supporters of opposition candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi were calling on President Ahmadinejad to resign and hold a recount of the election he stole, when the news came of his shock departure. According to The Stupid Times Middle-East correspondant Harold Watko, a folder containing receipts and claim forms was stolen and passed to the Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khamenei.

Amid revelations similar to the political crisis in Britain, the embarrassment it is causing to this symbol of Iranian defiance is palpable. Along with the trouser press, the receipts prove Ahmadinejad used his presidential credit card to pay for tea, biscuits and even two Islamic life-coaching films viewed by his wife.
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Obama hopeful on Mid-East peace talks icebreaker

.A basketball game was considered too violent and open to cheating
(Picture courtesy of abc news Australia: www.abc.net.au)

After 61 years of statehood and decades of violence, Israel took a step towards normality today as a key dispute with the Palestinians was resolved.

Following secret talks hosted at the White House by President Obama, Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak has revealed 'teach a talent' as the icebreaker for the first round of peace negotiations.

The fun game is played in pairs with 1 representative from the Israeli government and 1 from the Palestinian side teaching each other a skill or party trick. It is hoped that this simple act will dissolve hundreds of years of enmity between the two peoples. Hamas have been offered a spot at the talks, as long as they promise not to teach Prime Minister Netanyahu how to make pipe bombs.

Agreeing the warm-up was in itself a tough call. Several late night meetings dragged on til dawn as Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas refused to budge on using 'Back-2-Back drawing', and Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman demanded they play 'Pin the Tail on the Palestinian'.

Barak, a leading moderate voice in the government, eventually stepped in and brokered the deal.

"I was certain it was possible to agree an energizer and certainly necessary to act with all our might to achieve this first step before I turn 70, which will be in three years, as I really did not want to be still talking about bloody team-building exercises then," he told us outside the BamerKaz team building center between Haifa and Tel Aviv, which will host the meetings.

Obama praised all sides for reaching the historic compromise, saying that the icebreaker was a key part of both people's future.

"Diplomacy is always a matter of a long hard slog, and there's no better way to ease the tension at the start of a long meeting" he said.

"Not only is it in the interest of the Palestinian people to get to know their enemies better before the talks, it's in the interest of the Israeli people to calm the fuck down and chill the fuck out," he said.
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Susan Boyle thing 'getting really silly'

.We're all doomed, but at least Britain's Got Talent

With the news that film star Demi Moore is to fly in from the US to support Susan Boyle in the final of Britain's Got Talent, the world has accepted that things are getting out of hand.

In the week that North Korea pushed the world to the brink of nuclear war, the Taleban pushed Pakistan to the brink of anarchy, and more Tory MPs pushed some peasants out of the way to get to the trough, many are concerned that mindless TV is getting too much attention.

According to reports, former South African President and Nobel Laureate Nelson Mandela tried to get a spot on the show to publicise his AIDS foundation but was refused due to his lack of a Twitter account.

Boyle, who now lives in a mansion surrounded by armed guards, was unavailable for comment as her publicist was snorting a large line of coke off her arse when we called.

Obama Cheney faceoff in national security spelling bee

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"Now spell MEGALOMANIA, Mr Cheney."

The closest President Barack Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney came to direct competition in the past were attacks and rebuttals during the 2008 campaign.

But yesterday the long awaited clash of these two political titans took place in the form of a spelling bee at two separate locations in Washington, D.C. The mood of the contest was focused squarely on keeping America safe.

In an hour long challenge the two men faced each other via satellite link, Obama at the National Archives, Cheney at the American Enterprise Institute, and spelled out words selected by a panel of security experts.

Taking the first word was Cheney - former Vice President, Defense Secretary, Representative and White House Chief of Staff. When asked to spell HUBRIS he fluffed it with H-U-B-R-E-S, giving an early advantage to his opponent.

President Obama, a former Senator from Illinois, succeeded on his first challenge, correctly spelling H-E-A-L-I-N-G. He held the edge over Cheney for several rounds until the Wyoming GOP giant drew equal at the end of round 10.

For the tiebreakers, Cheney succeeded in spelling WATERBOARDING on the first attempt but Obama struggled with CLUSTERFUCK, asking to hear it in a sentence. "The Bush-Cheney administration was an excellent example of a CLUSTERFUCK in government," replied the panel, and then Obama gave the correct answer.

However, the final tiebreaker saw the contest go to the President. He confidently spelled out INTERROGATION and sat down sure of victory. Cheney was asked to spell HUMILITY and immediately lost his footing. Asking for a sentence, he was given "You sir, do not appear to have a single fucking shred of HUMILITY you crypto-fascist piece of shit."

Looking distraught, Cheney admitted defeat and sank into his chair.
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Primate fossil is missing link between humans and bankers

The remains of a lemur-like creature with sharp teeth and a long rat-like tail have been unveiled by scientists in the United States.

The fossil, nicknamed ISA, is claimed to be a "missing link" between today's higher primates - monkeys, apes and humans - and our more primitive relatives - bankers, stockbrokers and hedge fund managers.

The team have recreated the lifestyle of the species, which included lending massive amounts of fruit and seeds to insects that could never hope to pay it back, drinking the sap of trees out of crystal goblets, and shitting on forest floor residents from a great height.

They have called it Fuckingus bastardus, to represent the unique place it held in pre-history and the most common term used to describe its modern day descendants.

Sir David Attenborough, who will present a BBC documentary on the discovery said: “This little fucker is going to show us how bankers evolved into the scum-sucking shitbags that destroyed the world economy. The money might be gone, but the link is no longer missing.”
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California earthquake caused by Obama abortion speech

.A murderer yesterday

A wave of mid-western outrage hit southern California on Sunday, as President Obama set out a pragmatic and sensible approach to the abortion debate.

Measuring 4.7 on the right wing Richter scale, many liberal minded Californians were disturbed at 8.39pm by the rumbling, ranting, screaming and crying of conservative political commentators in Indiana, where Obama's speech took place, and across Montana, Kansas, Nebraska, Ohio and the Dakotas.

Calling for both sides in the debate to find common ground, the president reaffirmed his pro-choice credentials while talking up birth control and adoption as his favoured solutions.

Meanwhile, residents of Lennox in Los Angeles County reported hearing the voices of Rush Limbaugh and other nut jobs with microphones echoing through the floors of their homes. It is thought that the sound of their outrage travelled hundreds of miles through the Earth's crust to Lennox, in one of the most liberal counties in the nation.

Betty Willis, a baby-killing planned parenthood adviser and mother of 3, was having an early night of deviant, non-procreational sex with her husband of 20 years when Ann Coulter's disembodied voice interrupted them with a rant on how immigrants, gays and abortionists caused 9/11.

"It was awful," Betty told us. "It was like Coulter on the radio or TV, except we couldn't turn the fucking thing off."
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Cabinet claimed expenses for new underpants

.Gordon didn't like the reaction to his YouTube broadcasts

Gordon Brown and his top ministers are under fire today as details of their expenses are published.

The most shocking revelation is that the Cabinet has been charging their underwear cleaning and replacement bills to the taxpayer. Following months of negative headlines, endless crises and public humiliation, the Cabinet have regularly been shitting their pants before breakfast, again during parliamentary questions, and at bedtime.

The end result has been the need to buy new knickers for government ministers and spend a small fortune on industrial cleaning for the undercrackers that survive.

Gordon Brown put through a claim of £6,000 for cleaning his y-fronts the week after the Northern Rock collapse, with Chancellor Alistair Darling claiming £800 for replacement grots. Health Secretary Alan Johnson spent £2,500 on 'skid removal' after the swine flu outbreak started, and Communities Secretary Hazel Blears issued a £200 claim for undergarments earlier this week.

The Conservatives have demanded a full inquiry into why the taxpayer is paying for the government's shitted shreddies. David Cameron issued the following statement:

"If I shit my pants, my butler and my maid lick the turds off the gusset and then wash them in a bucket using sand for detergent. Doesn't cost me or you a penny."
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Elizabeth Edwards breaks silence on John's hair

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Former Senator Edwards comes out as a slaphead

The wife of former presidential hopeful John Edwards has revealed what many have long suspected - that her husband is as bald as a ball.

Speaking to chat show queen Oprah Winfrey, she was at times tearful and angry at being lied to for so many years. Mrs Edwards had believed that the lush brown mop was all his for years, but her illusions were shattered during his failed presidential campaign when she discovered his stash of toupees hidden on a campaign bus.

"When we got married, all I asked of John was no hairpieces," she said during the exclusive interview to air on Thursday. "When I found the syrups it was as if my whole world had come crashing down. The boyish charmer I married had turned into a bald weirdo."

Adding to his woes, Edwards is also under investigation by federal authorities. They are looking into $114,000 paid to the Shay's Box of Wigs store in Raleigh, North Carolina, during his presidential bid in 2007-8. Using money from a political action committee for personal vanity products is a crime. Edwards denies any wrongdoing.
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Osborne leads UK 'least wanted' list

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Osborne and a friend laughing at some poor people yesterday

The names of some of the people the UK wants banned for being incredibly irritating have been published for the first time.

16 complete twats have been named by the Home Office. They include leading politicians, celebrities and that bloke who licks Chris Moyle's arse during the fat idiot's radio show.

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne is the most high-profile politician on the list, his squeaky voice, upper class disdain for the public, and air of arrogance given as reasons in the report. He is joined by deputy Labour leader and sanctimonious cow Harriet Harman, whose inability to relate to real people secures her a top spot.

The world of entertainment is represented by Moyles, his brown nosing assistant, and pointless celebrity couple Katie Price and Peter Andre. They were included for being so nauseating that a panel of Home Office researchers were forced to leave the room to vomit after watching their mind-numbing reality TV show.

Among other names on the list are fanny rat footballer Ashley Cole, serial fuck-up tennis player Tim Henman, and toothy billionaire bell end Richard Branson.
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Biden marks 100th gaffe in office

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And that makes 100! Apology letters all round.

Vice-president Joe Biden held a party at his official residence last night to commemorate the latest in a long line of gaffes since he took office.

Starting with shouting 'asshole' at Chief Justice Roberts for fluffing Obama's oath of office, Biden reached the 100 milestone by calling the administration's $789 billion stimulus package 'heap of bullshit' during a conference call with reporters.

Biden has been a faux pas practitioner ever since he entered politics in the 1970s. During his first presidential bid in 1988, he infamously denied stealing UK opposition leader Neil Kinnock's speeches by calling him a 'ginger Welsh prick' and an 'asshole'.

After being selected as Obama's vice-presidential candidate he hit the gaffe trail immediately, pulling a disabled state senator out of his wheel chair then attempting to dance with him, and calling the president to be 'Barack Assholia' at their first rally.

After taking office as the 47th veep he did not disappoint, from accusing Nancy Reagan of practising cannibalism in the White House to announcing that he was originally offered the Secretary of State post by Obama but turned it down because it's 'a bunch of f*cking bullshit'.

Biden's gaffe's are now a central part of the Obama administration. The next 100 are already in development.
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Obama celebrates 100 days by resigning

.'This really isn't worth it anymore', says intelligent family man

President Barack Obama has marked his first 100 days in office by turning over the cabinet table and storming out of the White House for good.

Since taking office on January 20th, Obama has dealt with crisis after crisis and following a tetchy meeting with his top officers today, he finally admitted that he "can't deal with all this shit any more."

Speaking exclusively to the Stupid Times at a downtown DC bar, the former Commander-in-Chief told us that a meeting to discuss the swine flu pandemic was the final straw.

"So we're sitting there talking prevention measures," he said, nursing the 3rd of many Buds consumed that afternoon, "and Sebelius (the new HHS secretary) asks me if we have enough facemasks in the White House for everyone. I'm like OMG, those fucking things don't work anyway, let's get back to the real issue. But then everyone starts begging for masks for them and their families, so I listen to the noise for a while and then I snap. Table goes over, paper and pens everywhere. I'm outta there."

The 44th president admits he had more on his mind and the masks issue was just the trigger.

"Geithner's squeaking fucking voice, Hillary laughing behind my back, Fox News - it's all too much. What can we get done anyway? We've got no money, and even Arlen Specter's knocking on my door now. I for one, do NOT want to spend any time with that asshole for a living."

Obama left the bar several hours later to pick up his stuff and go back to Chicago with the family. But before he left he fired this parting shot to the media and his former colleagues and rivals.

"You won't have Barry to kick around no more. Jon Stewart can kiss my arse if he thought he would ever get round to shitting on me. If you want me I'll be in front of my TV."
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Africa: we SHIT swine flu

The people of Africa are today pissing themselves laughing as the Western world struggles with a new flu "pandemic".

News that a few Americans were feeling under the weather was greeted with a mass giggle fit in Windhoek, capital of Namibia, where 10% 0f the population live with HIV/AIDS and thousands die from malaria each year.

In nearby Swaziland, where almost 40% of pregnant women test positive for HIV, the government organized a "Day of Hilarity" to celebrate what they are calling "the mild outbreak of treatable illness in the western world."