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Monday, July 13, 2009
The head of the Central Intelligence Agency has accused former Vice-President Dick Cheney of masterminding a secret plot to keep President George W Bush's mouth the fuck closed.
Congress, the judiciary and the media were all unaware of the plan to keep the President locked in a small room at the White House, or cover his mouth with masking tape when he was allowed out in public.
New CIA director Leon Panetta revealed the covert operation to Senators having discovered it a few days ago. He has since cancelled the program, as new President Barack Obama has proved that he can co-ordinate his thought and speech and string a sentence together without sounding like a complete asshole.
Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) attacked Cheney and the previous administration for potentially breaking the law by trying to keep the Commander-in-Chief under wraps, even if he is an idiot.
"This is a big problem," she said. "I understand the need of the day in shutting up a crap president... but I think you weaken your case when you go outside the law and use industrial tape to cover his mouth when a bullet in the brain might be kinder."
Meanwhile, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi expressed shock at the revelation, but also queried why it had been so unsuccessful.
"Bush managed to fuck this country up the ass during his 8 years in power - and he was also responsbile for some of the greatest gaffes in American political history. But the CIA were supposed to be keeping him out of the way? As far as I can tell they failed miserably. Someone needs to pay for that failure."