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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Netanyahu steps back into the fray as PM ready to crack some heads

Benjamin Netanyahu will reassume his old position as Israeli Prime Minister today, ten years after he last failed to sort out the country's security situation.

Bibi, as he is affectionately known, is said to be desperate to drive a few tanks through a refugee camp as soon as possible in order to stimulate peace talks with the Palestinians that will ultimately fail.

"I will be a partner for peace," he told the Haaretz newspaper, "as long as you agree with my definition of peace as an unending war between two diametrically opposed sides. That's what I call some fucking good peace. Oh yeah."

Police urged to use more CS spray in Parliament

Following the news that a journalist was subdued with CS gas during an incident near the House of Commons, the public have demanded more use of tear gas in Parliament.

After several weeks of revelations about MPs charging their lager and crisps to the taxpayer culminating with the Home Secretary's husband having one off the wrist and claiming it on expenses, people on the streets are ready to see their lawmakers knocked down a bit.

Tom Davies, an unemployed scaffolder from Croydon said: "Get those bastards in a corner, and stick it to them, right in the eyes. I'm living on £40 a week benefits, and they want us to pay for their cable bill. Bollocks to that."

Rev. Charles Jones, a vicar from Leicester was more measured. "I'm not saying we should hurt our legislators daily, but the odd kicking and burning of the eyes might keep them on the straight and narrow don't you think?"

The Prime Minister was said to be shitting his pants at the prospect of getting a good CSing in the eye, and has cancelled all parliamentary engagements for the next week.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Smith apologises for Kleenex expenses claim

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is facing fresh questions over her future after it emerged that a box of Kleenex tissues were claimed for on Commons expenses.

The claim follows the revelation that her husband, Richard Timney, watched two porn films at their London home and put the bill on her expense account. However, it is not clear whether the Kleenex was used to finish the job.

The Stupid Times wanking correspondent Harold Watko says Ms Smith will have to deal with the political fallout after the embarrassment of Sunday's revelations.

The Opposition leadership has so far held back from criticising ministers too strongly on porn expenses, aware that there are potential embarrassments on both sides, our correspondent says.

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne was caught with a huge stash of jazz mags under his bed recently. His Mum was rumoured to be furious because George's Dad had given them to him as a 'coming of age' present. It is not clear whether the bill was sent to his Commons office.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Netanyahu given more time to shaft Palestinians

.Are you mad enough to join my Cabinet?

Israeli Prime Minister-designate Benjamin 'Bibi' Netanyahu has been given another two weeks to find some more top level fruitcakes to include in his governing coalition.

President Shimon Peres is said to be dissatisfied at the level of insanity within the proposed cabinet as it currently stands, and has ordered Bibi to dig out some more Arab-hating nutjobs to round off the ministerial team.

So far, the foreign minister post is set to go to Avigdor Lieberman, the leader of Yisrael Beitenu, a party that advocates making all non-Jewish Israeli's wear green stars as they are kicked out of the country. Other posts are set to go to a swathe of other right-wing and special interest parties including Shas, United Torah Judaism, National Union, and the brand new Kick Some Sand in That Arab Boy's Soup party.

Despite efforts to bring the Labour Party into the coalition, it is thought that they are not quite certifiable enough to be given government jobs at this time. Ehud Barak, the party chairman and a former PM, was seen walking in a straight line and talking coherently yesterday, effectively ruling himself out of a Cabinet seat.

Netanyahu is nevertheless convinced that he can find enough lunatics to fill his government. He was seen going into the Sha'ar Mensahe psychiatric hospital to inspect potential candidates for the position of national security minister. A crazed 76 year old man known as Tommy, who refuses to wear clothes and believes he is a dolphin, is understood to be the frontrunner for the post.

AIG want bonuses back to pay for staff party

.Let's drink to the bailout

AIG chiefs, under fire for paying executive bonuses despite a federal government bailout, have changed their minds having seen the quotes for the annual staff shindig.

At a recent Congressional hearing, AIG chairman, Edward Liddy told the board: "Mistakes were made at AIG on a scale that few could have imagined. The $165m paid out to our executives was supposed to go towards our staff night out. We had planned on hiring the Ty Warner Penthouse at the Four Seasons in downtown Manhattan, you know, nothing fancy."

A further inquiry into this alleged claim has revealed that although the American International Group had attempted to book out the $34,000 a night penthouse suite for an entire week, their offer was rejected by Four Seasons management on claims that their last staff night out resulted in a riotous fiasco that made the Oxford Bullingdon Club look like a bunch of little sissy girls.

A Four Seasons manager commented: "The A.I.G. members were all dressed in zoot suits and extinct peacock feathered hats. They ran up an extremely big bar bill ordering Diva Vodka, Hennessey and Cognac, some were even smoking ‘blunts’. They completely destroyed the entire suite. Whilst one member was bleaching the walls another was running around aimlessly trying to inflict as much damage as possible with a hand wash dispenser. They left it like they left the economy, then left with a bunch of supermodels."

President Obama has been reported by the BBC to be 'choked up with anger' over the issue but it is more likely that he was simply choked up with a common cold. "I’m absolutely furious with AIG for misleading the American people and misusing $170bn of Americans’ tax-payer’s money. America needs American business to work for the American people, not against it - forgive me, I’m choked up with anger here," stated Obama with the emotion of a playful dog intrigued by a fly.

A leak from the White House Press Office has revealed that the Democrats must appear to possess this anger emotion in order to convince the U.S. electorate that they have guts - guts that are filled with steak and freedom fries, not just vegetarian tofu.

AIG Chairman Liddy has led the retraction of bonuses by melting down the newly erected solid gold statue of himself posed as Patrick Bateman and donating the financial proceeds to a homeless shelter for former AIG executives down to their last million dollars.

by Kyle Cooper

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Bullet-proof designer suits head for world markets

.Do you get shot to the left or right sir?

The regular bullet-proof ballistic vest, favoured by riot squadrons and security services around the world for its tough reliability has received a super trendy new makeover.

What has been labelled as the Armani of armoured clothes has been created and designed by Miguel Caballero from none other than Bogota, Columbia.

Bogota, once considered one of the most violent cities in the world, has reduced its homicide and fatality rate per 100,000 people, and Caballero claims this new trend has more to do with him than the Colombian capital’s security police force.

"My new range of bullet-proof designer clothing has been essential to saving many, many lives throughout the Americas. Even if my clients are shot in the head they still look absolutely fabulous for the ensuing paparazzi frenzy that follows. I truly believe that I perform a greater service to mankind than any doctor on this earth. Fashion saves far more lives than doctors ever could."

"It is only the reasonably wealthy that are able to afford our products” continued Caballero. "Clients are usually presidents from volatile states such as Venezuela, cocaine dealers, and washed-up actors who can’t afford security personnel or disarm potential attackers with a simple karate-chop to the left elbow, like Steven Seagal."

He revealed that one special commission has come from the King of Thailand, who requested that a bullet-proof suit be created in his trademark pink colour.

"We can only hope for a Malay separatist to pick up a sniper rifle and get a clear shot at the king. After all, he’ll be sticking out like a cluster bomb fragment in a nursery. We’d even be willing to supply the rifle. From then on, Miguel Caballero will be a household name."

With a price tag ranging from $4000-8000US these items of clothing do not come cheap. "Our obvious target markets are the upper-echelons of down-trodden societies, such as Mexico and South Africa. The current conflict in the middle east therefore is opening up some pretty exciting prospects for us."

"My creative team have designed some fabulous new garments in traditional Arabic dress, all bullet-proof, of course. Trouble is I don’t think they’ll be able to afford them."

by Kyle Cooper

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Fritzl displaces Hitler as favourite Austrian at the Daily Mail

The Daily Mail relies on these two for 40% of its stories

Press commentators have called into question the editorship of the Daily Mail as recent figures show they have not run a story about Adolf Hitler for 3 days.

Regular readers have been trying to contact their head offices at Ein, Tiergarten Strasse, Berlin following the complete lack of any mention of the Austrian born German road-builder extraordinaire. Normally the paper is awash with psychic diaries of the “great leader” or occasional articles questioning the total number of gonads of which he was in possession, but this week has been poor for Fuhrerphiles.

Defenders of the paper have been quick to point out that Joseph Fritzl has been temporarily ensconced as the temporary Austrian nutter of choice at the Daily Mail’s head bunker and normal service will resume as soon as he is sent down for various crimes that no family newspaper could possibly repeat. Luckily the Daily Mail is no family newspaper anyway and has run the story of Herr Fritzl’s admitted crimes in considerable detail.

After prolonged and extensive investigations The Stupid Times can allay regular Mail readers’ fears as it appears their sister paper, Der PostenTag auf Sontag, has an exclusive 78 page pull-out dramatisation of young Adolf’s Great War experiences. This will offer unparalleled insight into his actions fighting the British (for the first time) as well as the chance to win an exclusive autographed painting by the great man from Paul Dacre’s extensive personal collection.

Neo-Nazi nutcases were said to be upset that their prime source of information on the continuing struggle against European Bolshevism had decided to concentrate on this short arsed psychopathic Austrian pervert as opposed to the usual stories highlighting the life of Austria’s most famous short arsed perverted psychopath.

Interestingly, aficionados of Hitler are hoping that Fritzl’s time in prison will prove as productive as the former German Chancellor’s, at least when it comes to the written word. Hitler’s best seller Mein Kampf (which translates as My Struggle - with reality) was an international best seller which helped the young artist rehabilitate after leaving Landsberg Prison and the Daily Mail’s Chief Sports writer, Kevin Goebbels, has similar expectations regarding Herr Fritzl.

“He is obviously nuts but strangely enigmatic. His piercing blue A4 folder looks right through you. I love leather.”

Monster lovers were also appalled at the slight by association that leader-writers were inflicting on their hobby with the persistent inability to come up with another meaningful term of opprobrium for a man who, let’s face it, would probably be elected to the state senate in Alabama.

by Robert Dobson

Nick Griffin 'modelling himself on Obama' says BNP

.A British racist, an American racist - both utter twats

Nick Griffin, leader of the British National Party, has been so impressed with Obama’s victory that he is claiming to be “Britain’s answer to that American black guy”, according to a BNP Spokesman.

This change is consistent with the BNP’s latest attempt to rebrand themselves as slightly less fascist and slightly less racist than before.

"Nick, who’s always been a political trailblazer, has been following Barack Obama very closely since he was elected President", said the spokesman. "He’s been very impressed by the similarities in their political message. Both talk about change and hope - Obama about changing society for the better and bringing hope for the future, and Nick about changing nice people into racists and hoping that foreigners will go home."

This message is being disseminated by none other than Mr Griffin himself. Speaking at a BNP rally held at the Wartington branch of Asda he proclaimed: “People want change! They want a change to immigration policies, they want a change of government, and they want immigrants to change their migrant ways!"

The BNP is expected to make strong political gains at the next European elections, as Europeans are added to the list of things the BNP hates.

"In the past," said the BNP spokesman, "we’ve focused our attention primarily on immigrants, foreigners, Muslims, black people, Asians, gays, disabled people, women, gay disabled black Muslim women, and such like. But then we realised all of them had something in common. They could all be 'European'. So bang! One more for the list.”

Obama’s office responded to those comments in candid style. "The president is always willing to reach across the political aisle. In this case however, the BNP can kiss his black ass."

by Olivier Roth

Monday, March 16, 2009

British hail G20 beverage breakthrough

After 3 days of hard bargaining the G20 finance ministers have agreed to 'take tea' during the summit as opposed to 'the coffee option' which was strongly favoured by Tim Geithner, the US Treasury Secretary.

In a massively symbolic moment Britain’s Chancellor, Alistair Darling, secured a vital concession from the Americans. Over the past few months tensions had risen, with Obama’s economic team focusing on a more American style beverage stance but Darling will take heart from both the result and the dedication of his negotiators.

'Tea, Earl Grey with milk (sugar optional)' could well go down as the greatest quote ever to arise from a major global summit. China had initially been supportive of the US 'Latte or Mocha' approach but with domestic tea consumption on the slide quickly came round to the British point of view.

US commentators were aghast at how quickly support had crumbled for the 'coffee option' and now wondered whether the President would have to abandon his bid for greater hot-beverage bilateralism or stay the course, further isolating the USA from the rest of the world.

“These are dangerous times” said The Stupid Times' Tea Correspondent Harold Watko. “Not only has the Obama administration been embarrassed but there is real possibility that the country will go isolationist and protectionist in a major area of consumption for the American market."

US diplomats, realising the severity of the situation, tried to back peddle with an 'any type of coffee and tea bags (English Breakfast) if wanted' corollary but rather than pouring oil on troubled waters and calming global drinkers this merely highlighted differences between the two sides.

In a rare moment of entente the French finance minister saw the opportunity for American defeat and intimated that as a Frenchman he would “seulement drink proper tea, vous savez, brewed in a pot. And no putting the lait in second, either. Je veux it just like my English brothers do”

This drew gasps from even hardened officials who remembered the great 'brown or white' bread debate between Reagan and Gorbachev in Reykjavik 1986 which was never actually settled but did lead to the 'jam or marmalade (breakfast only)' communiqué and the Intermediate-Range Boiled Egg Treaty.

by Robert Dobson

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Rooney to get even with Mourinho as soon as he can spell it

Which one of you f*cking c*nts wants some then?

Jose Mourinho has defended his decision to spark out Wayne Rooney’s brother in the Old Trafford car park after the Champions League match on Wednesday night.

The Special One had been leaving the ground to get on the team bus after seeing his team Inter Milan beaten 2-0 by Man United when he spotted Dwayne Rooney breaking into one of the players cars.

Mourinho told him to get lost but was then subjected to a stream of abuse. This included the allegation that the Portugese manager was wearing a fake cashmere scarf. Jose explained:

“At this moment I just saw red. I am the coolest of dudes and was no way going to take shit about my rags from a stupid scouser wearing a hoodie.

“He fronted up so I just dropped him with a left to the body and a nice right uppercut. I didn't think anything more of it until I was back in Milan and saw Wayne on TV saying he was coming after me.

“I have two questions. How was I supposed to know this was Dwayne and what the fuck was he doing trying to break into his own brother’s car?”

Law enforcement agencies in Manchester appear unlikely to press charges and are currently fighting over who can get hold of the CCTV footage and flog it off to the Sun and the Mirror.

Meanwhile Wayne and Dwayne have gone to ground and are thought to be plotting their revenge.

However, plans are said to have run aground after Dwayne realised he was tagged, reporting for community service and his passport was confiscated. The other problem is that neither brother knows where Italy is on the map.

Man United skipper Ryan Giggs said:

“The lads now suspect that Wayne had sent Dwayne out to break into our cars while the game was going on. The word is that Coleen has been caning the credit cards again.

“Having met Dwayne it comes as no surprise to hear that he ended up trying to break into his brother’s car by mistake. I would just like to have seen Jose lay the boot in as well after dropping the lad to the canvas.”

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Fire Service to be renamed Fat Fucker Service

.Quick, call the fire service - he's due at work in ten minutes

With the Fire Brigades moving more fat people than ever in its history, a decision has been made to give the service a new name that closer matches its changing responsibilities.

As the British population sit around on their arses stuffing themselves with crap they are putting on “buckets” of excess weight. Normally people would use their own legs and motorised transport or, in emergencies, ambulances to move about the country but now only the local firemen have the equipment to shift some truly hideously lard-arsed gravity benders.

"Generally we would be saving people from fires and car wrecks or getting cats out of trees to help sell local papers," said Fred Smith of Kent County Fire Service. "But not anymore more. I have had to issue my Fat-Fucker fighters with new equipment: baby oil and crow-bars; to help them shift the salad-dodgers, and little caramel and chocolate coated shortbread biscuits to entice them into movement.

"Often a man stuck in a bath will not have eaten for upwards of 20 minutes and the sudden prospect of a carbohydrate laden confectionary can provide the vital extra effort to shift a fat shithoarder."

NHS personnel also noted how these people suffered increasingly from panic attacks during their unintended entrapment. As 25-stoneTracey Sharron was watching TV on the 21st floor of her Leeds tower block last week, the woodwork gave way and she became wedged between the 12th and 13th floors meaning that she could no longer see the screen.

She began hyper-ventilating as the reality dawned that she would not be able to watch the Jeremy Kyle special – My gay smack-head brother fathered my sister and son - which featured most of her family. The story had a happy ending though. As the Fat-Fucker fighters lifted her through the floorboards the phone rang – her Uncle-Daddy was so fat he couldn’t get through the studio doors and recording was rearranged. "I’m so fuckin’ ‘appy." she told us in a phone call from hospital. "This is the best day of my life since my prolapsed rectum operation."

The government were considering doing something about the problem but realised that no-one really cares that much about fat people. An NHS source, who did not want to be named, pointed out that this was a great weight off the health service and that emergency crews could now concentrate on dealing with drunks, people who drove like monkeys on acid and government ministers worried about their gas boilers.

The only drawbacks noted by pundits were that it would both prevent the fire service from filling out risk-assessment forms and draw front line officers away from fire inspections and closing businesses. Obesity campaigners were too busy stuffing their faces to comment.

by Robert Dobson

Friday, March 13, 2009

Fat Duck reopens with brand new poison menu

Your E. Coli salad - that will be £300 please sir

After two weeks closed and acres of negative headlines, Heston Blumenthal's world famous restaurant opened it's doors again today with a promise to make it's customers shit themselves inside out - or their money back.

With 12 new toilets installed and a dedicated ambulance team on call, celebrated chef Blumenthal is confident that his revamped food poisoning menu will attract a niche market of brainless rich people who want to experience something akin to giving birth from their arse after a meal.

Newly added dishes include salmonella ice cream, botulism porridge, and listeria sand stew are set to send diners running for the nearest toilet, bucket or hole in the ground just as soon as they have managed to wolf it down without blubbing.

The Stupid Times Runny Poo correspondent Harold Watko explained how the public will welcome the re-emergence of the restaurant:

"The Fat Duck attracts the most nauseating people in society so it is perhaps fitting that they will spend the next few weeks feeling nauseous. They have bankers, lawyers, politicians and a host of social climbers with more money than sense as their regular guests.

"In the midst of a recession normal people will overjoyed that these people are shelling out hundreds of pounds for the privilege of shooting brown water out of their anus for several hours and puking blood into next week."

We caught up with one visitor outside the Fat Duck as she was strapped onto a stretcher ready to be airlifted to hospital.

"Eeeeeuuuuuurrrrrggghhhhhh, euuuuugggggggiiiihhh," said 38 year old Felicity Spencer, as she projectile vomited green chunks across the car park. "It was...euuuggghhhh...delightful darling, fab...oh god, RRRRUUUUUEEEERRRRFFFFGGGHH...I'll defo be back next week, AAAAarrruuUUUuugghhhhh!"

Thursday, March 12, 2009

World demands tougher sentence for man who missed Bush's face

.Just a few of the shoes that world leaders would like to throw at Bush

International leaders and commentators have called for a "harsher punishment" to be used against the man who failed to hit George W Bush in the fucking face with his shoes last year.

At a press conference in December, Iraqi journalist Muntadher al-Zaidi was wrestled to the floor by security guards after he called Mr Bush "a dog" and threw his footwear, just missing the president.

Today al-Zaidi was setenced to three years in prison for the failed attack but the world was united in calling for a stiffer jail term.

At the time, politicians around the world expressed shock and awe that he missed the president's grinning face, and insisted that if they had been there, they would have smashed the bastard's nose right in.

Prime Minister Zapatero of Spain broke off from talks with union leaders to speak of his regret that Bush wasn't twatted in the chops. His Australian counterpart Kevin Rudd released a statement condemning the journalist for missing Bush's eyes and called for him to be tried at the Hague for "pissing away a perfect set up."

There was also surprise that Bush managed to duck out of the way, given that he had trouble naming his own Cabinet and often mistook the door to the Oval Office for the White House soda machine. "This is a man who once almost choked to death on a pretzel," said UN secretary general Ban Ki-moon. "How in the name of god was he able to avoid a dead cert from a few meters away and how did this man miss? This is one case were the death penalty should be brought back."

Shock in world markets as Madoff admits he knew what he was doing

Investors are reeling from the announcement by investigators that fraudster Bernard Madoff understood the financial system and knew how to manipulate it.

In pleading guilty to the charges against him, Mr Madoff has proved that he spent most of his time in the office dealing with money matters rather than on the golf course or chasing women like his counterparts in other companies.

Leading Spanish, British and Japanese banks have losses of billions of dollars from the $50 billion fraud perpetrated by Madoff, but they aren’t too bothered as his proven ability to successfully work the markets for personal gain has restored their faith in the banking system.

A leading investor at fucked bank Merrill Lynch admitted to us that he had spent most of the last few years playing World of Warcraft and other games online or drinking in his private club before returning to the office each day to submit invented figures to his boss. “Me and the boys at work can’t believe it, this guy actually understood what all these numbers mean? I never got the hang of it in 30 years – how did he?”

Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson was full of praise, saying that Madoff's expertise in defrauding financial institutions over many years was a shining example of talent in a sea of shitty incompetence. “This is a man who knew how the financial system operated and we should thank him for that. Of course he broke the law according to some, but his achievements in economic awareness should not go unnoticed.”

Paulson, a former banker himself, went on. “That thing he did, using new money to pay interest on old investments that were worth nothing - that is some genius man. Why didn’t I think of that at Goldman Sachs?”

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Ireland unites against stupidly named terror groups

Give a warm welcome to the Medium Rare IRA (with pepper sauce)
Thousands of people north and south of the border will take to the streets today to protest against terrorist organisations with ‘bloody silly names.’

Following the recent attacks in Ulster, politicians from all sides of the divide have called for an immediate cessation of violence from groups whose monikers were obviously made up on the back of a fag packet. The comically named Real IRA claimed responsibility for the killing of two soldiers on Saturday. The Continuity IRA, winner of the 2004 stupidest terror brand award, admitted that it shot dead a policeman on Monday.

Martin McGuinness, a former Provisional IRA activist and now Deputy First Minister of Northern Ireland, said it was about time the splinter groups accepted their names are shit and moved on.

“Come on guys,” he said in a direct appeal to the militants on television. “Irish Republican Army – IRA – sounded great, but those days are gone. We knew we were stretching things with Provisional IRA but we got away with it. But this Real IRA and Continuity IRA bollocks has got to stop. What’s next? The Tuesday IRA, the Left-handed IRA, or The Terror Group Formerly Known As The Occasional IRA? Just fucking give it up.”

Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen has convened a meeting of police chiefs from across the island. They will be asked to form a plan to arrest the leaders of groups with crap names made up on the hoof and put them on trial for crimes against wordplay and acronyms.

People are taking part in rallies across Ulster and will then hold brainstorming sessions to come up with better names for the Real IRA and Continuity IRA. Suggestions already buzzing through the streets are ‘Twisted Bastards’ in place of Real, and for Continuity to be replaced by ‘Sick Shitty Hate Filled C*nts’.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Obama pitches new stimulus package to help nation attend U2 tour dates

Brother can you spare a $100 bill?

President Obama is this morning locked in negotiations with congressional leaders to release federal funds so that Americans can buy tickets for the 2009 U2 concerts announced today.

With the country deep in recession and Bono looking more and more like Mrs Doubtfire every day, the President is keen to raise national morale by allowing people to enjoy the Irish quartet’s emotionally driven rock one more time before they end up crap like the Rolling Stones.

Tickets are expected to cost at least $100 and with jobs haemorrhaging from the economy, most credit cards withdrawn and the average American now living off an annual income equal to the cost of The Edge’s sunglasses, there is widespread concern that normal music fans won’t be able to afford to go.

In a statement, White House Press Secretary David Gibbs explained the motivation behind the talks:

“The president is a huge fan of the group and was honoured to have the American leg kicking off in his home city of Chicago. But he was keen to avoid the sight of Bono and co strutting their stuff to near empty stadia and therefore, this morning he has scheduled extraordinary meetings to prepare a new stimulus package for the tickets.

“There are several options on the table, from a tax credit for every worker equal to the cost of a ticket, to allowing food stamps to be used at Ticketmaster outlets. The President is determined to reach a deal by the end of the day, and is hoping for front row seats for him, Michelle, Malia and Sasha.”

The Stupid Times' Political Rock Editor Harold Watko explained that the money would have an impact far beyond the band and their fans.

“Congressional leaders know that the money won’t just go to one of the richest rock groups in the world. There’s also the hotdog sellers outside the stadium, the guy by the subway hawking fake merchandise, and the prostitutes servicing businessmen on corporate hospitality deals. This will help everyone to get a leg up as they try and ride the recession.”

House and Senate Republicans are however vehemently opposed to the plans. According to insiders, House Minority leader John Boehner went into the talks with a set of pre-conditions he wanted agreed before discussions could even begin. These included a ban on condom sales at the venues, guaranteed support slots for abstinence freaks the Jonas Brothers, and tax breaks for rich rock fans.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Celebrity climbers reach summit of Mount Kilimanjaro

Sadly, the real climbers on the mountain were pushed to their deaths to make way for the camera crews.

Those that didn't fall jumped voluntarily as soon as Chris Moyles opened his stupid fat mouth.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Michael Jackson tickets to sell out faster than Michael Jackson


Britain asks why only green custard was thrown at Mandelson

Why not some rancid eggs for christ's sake??

The UK is united in shock and confusion today after a protestor succeeded in throwing something at Lord Mandelson, but only used green fucking custard.

The Business Secretary was targeted by the group Plane Stupid over his support for a third runway at Heathrow which was approved last year. Mandelson, a former Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, gave up his 24 hour security some years ago and has been a sitting duck for the millions of angry Britons wanting to have a pop at him. Politicians, the media and the public are now asking why has it taken so long, and why only custard?

Shadow Business Secretary Ken Clarke was appalled when informed of the attack: “They could have at least lobbed a few dog turds his way. That sod would’ve looked hilarious with canine faecal matter splattered around his smarmy mouth. Custard? What a damn waste.”

Broadcasting legend Sir Trevor Macdonald bemoaned the lack of anything that could have created long term coverage. “Sounds like they pissed away a beautiful opportunity,” he told us over the phone. “I’m not saying they should have tried to hurt him, but some indelible ink or dye could have left marks for us to laugh at for weeks.”

On the streets, the public were less restrained in their disappointment. Terry Webb from Hartlepool had harsh words for the spin supremo. “That git needs a good acid bath, followed by a chilli sauce bath, topped off by a roll in salt. That’s what I would’ve done, plus a bit of footwork to the sides while he’s down. Bollocks to custard.”

“Mouldy green custard perhaps, PLUS boiling vomit mixed with piss, pumped at high pressure through a fireman’s hose would have been acceptable,” said 25 year old Debbie Jones of Cheam. “Then my brother’s football team could have filled him in with toilet brushes. Lord Mandelson? Lord twatface more like.”

Meanwhile Leila Deen, the anti-airport protestor who threw the custard, is brushing off criticism of the stunt. "This is a perfectly legitimate way to make a point about the expansion of Heathrow," she told the Stupid Times. "My only concern is that they press charges and it disrupts my forthcoming gap year in Ghana. I've booked the flights and everything."

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Brown to go down on every member of Congress

Come on, who's first?

In his latest attempt to curry favour with the American political classes, UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown is to perform oral sex on all U.S. Representatives and Senators before he flies home.

Having delivered a gut-wrenchingly sycophantic speech to Congress yesterday and buried his face in President Obama’s ass on Tuesday, Brown has asked aides to set up fellatio and cunnilingus tents in the garden of the British Embassy so he can efficiently suck off and lick out the nation’s legislators in a matter of hours.

Orderly queues began forming overnight for the expected start of the head session at 1100 EST. The 100 senators are expected to get the first blows, and the 438 members of the House of Representatives will be up next. A team of paramedics will be on stand by in case any of the elderly lawmakers collapse in ecstasy or Mr Brown gets lockjaw.

It is understood that the ladies will get seen to first and a team of ‘fluffers’ will be employed to keep the men on parade until their turn arrives. UK Foreign Secretary David Miliband is on call to carry out some of this oral diplomacy and was seen practising his technique on a banana last night.

While this will be seen as clear evidence of Brown’s commitment to the special relationship between Britain and America, a diplomatic row is brewing over Bill Clinton’s wish to participate. While not a member of Congress, the red cheeked blowjob fan is an Anglophile and a friend of Brown and therefore expecting some sugar. Brown’s aides are locked in negotiations to reach a compromise and are expected to offer the former president a quick handjob and a ringside seat to the event.

Back home in Britain, Mr Brown’s own people were outraged at the idea of their leader being forced to pleasure 538 people in one day.

“Can’t they hit him with sticks at the same time or something?” said Tony Baker, an unemployed factory worker from Swindon. “Or how about setting some dogs on him afterwards when he’s all tired? After fucking up our economy, this seems like getting off lightly. Nipple clamps?”

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

ITV promises no interruption to broadcasts of utter shit

Don't worry, these twats will be around for years

Despite the announcement of 600 job losses across its businesses, ITV has reassured concerned viewers that they will continue pumping complete crap into their homes for years to come.

The announcement came as ITV reported a loss of £2.7bn for 2008 and Jeremy Kyle revealed that Sharon Thomas from Barnsley is actually a man called Dave Smith from Luton and he used to be married to Kerry James from down the road who is shagging Steve who works in Tesco.

Initially there were fears in the industry that gems such as Dancing on Ice, Coleen’s Real Women and Piers Morgan’s Life Stories would be lost from our screens. This would leave telly addicts in need of a fix of mindless bollocks relying on Sky for their evening’s supply of truly terrible programming.

But ITV Chairman Michael Grade has calmed investors by promising to keep all that shit, and also to extend Ant and Dec’s presence on his channels with new hourly mini-shows called Ant and Dec Burn Our Money in which the cheeky duo receive large piles of the company’s limited cash and set fire to it with help from a string of C-list celebrities.

Other highlights for the next year will include That Bloke Off Emmerdale Sings The Blues, Celebrity Cheese-making Challenge, and Carol Vorderman’s Work It Out With A Pencil where the former countdown star helps people with persistent constipation problems.

Grade told reporters he was confident that supplies of god-awful nonsense would be maintained:

“We at ITV pride ourselves in sending the best quality shit into the nation’s homes 24/7. These are the worst times I have ever seen in the industry for funding really poor TV, and the job losses are essential so we can find the money to pay twats like Ant and Dec millions to act like cunts on your screen throughout 2009 and 2010.”

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Brown-noser Brown to insert tongue into Obama's brown-eye

.This is how I'll do it, oh yeah Barry...

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown arrives in Washington D.C. today with a plan to be the first European leader to lick President Obama's arse.

Although Japanese premier Taro Aso will have already left the new President's ringpiece as clean as a whistle, Brown will hope that the meeting today will cement the special relationship that has existed between Britain and the USA since World War II.

Also, Brown is hoping that some good old-fashioned brown nosing will help some of Obama's stardust shake off onto him. Speaking to reporters en route to America, Brown cited convention in his bid to bagsy the presidential poo chute for the UK, ahead of France or Germany.

"When Ronald Reagan won the election in 1980, Mrs Thatcher wanted the first lash of his doughnut, and President Valéry Giscard d'Estaing sat back and let her go," he told the press, licking his lips furiously in preparation.

"John Major was allowed the first sniff of Bill Clinton's crack in 1993, and Chancellor Helmut Kohl made no fuss whatsoever. Similarly, Tony Blair flew straight to Washington in 2001 to give George W. Bush's crevice a spit and polish, and Spanish PM Jose Maria Aznar accepted that he would have to wait his turn."

Meanwhile in the USA, as the fall out from the 2008 election continues, senior Republicans have been trading blows over who will get the first run at kicking former president George W. Bush and ex-veep Dick Cheney's teeth in. John McCain is the obvious choice, but he is fighting off 20 odd ex-members of the House and at least 5 former senators for the privilege.

Monday, March 2, 2009

SNP out to destroy Scottish culture with alcohol plan say drunk Scots

A typical Scottish fridge this morning
The people of Scotland have risen up against the SNP Government’s proposals for reducing the amount of alcohol they consume, labelling it an attack on their way of life.

Angry, hungover crowds began gathering outside off licenses and public houses in the early hours to protest against the measures, disappearing inside at opening time to protest some more by purchasing gallons of cheap booze and then drinking it incredibly quickly. The Stupid Times caught up with some of the demonstrators as they began their day of action.

“My father was pissed as a fart his whole life, as was his father before him, and his father’s father,” said solicitor Jerry Stuart, 61, in an Edinburgh pub at 10am this morning. “I‘ve been pissed up since I could walk and it’s staying that way til the day I die.” Nursing a quadruple whisky, Mr Stuart then threw a pool queue through the window and collapsed on the floor with suspected liver failure.

25 year old waitress Gloria Muir was outraged as she walked home from her local convenience store. Carrying 8 cans of super strength lager, she had harsh words for the First Minister. “Alex Salmond is having a fucking laugh if he thinks I’m cutting down. This is what I do, and I going to drink all this at home to send a message to him.”

Meanwhile, radio shows were filled with indignation from Scots up and down the country. One caller asked: “What’s next? Are they going to ask the English to stop whining, the Americans to stop being fat, or the Germans to stop shitting on each other? Leave us alone!”
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