The UK is united in shock and confusion today after a protestor succeeded in throwing something at Lord Mandelson, but only used green fucking custard.
The Business Secretary was targeted by the group Plane Stupid over his support for a third runway at Heathrow which was approved last year. Mandelson, a former Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, gave up his 24 hour security some years ago and has been a sitting duck for the millions of angry Britons wanting to have a pop at him. Politicians, the media and the public are now asking why has it taken so long, and why only custard?
Shadow Business Secretary Ken Clarke was appalled when informed of the attack: “They could have at least lobbed a few dog turds his way. That sod would’ve looked hilarious with canine faecal matter splattered around his smarmy mouth. Custard? What a damn waste.”
Broadcasting legend Sir Trevor Macdonald bemoaned the lack of anything that could have created long term coverage. “Sounds like they pissed away a beautiful opportunity,” he told us over the phone. “I’m not saying they should have tried to hurt him, but some indelible ink or dye could have left marks for us to laugh at for weeks.”
On the streets, the public were less restrained in their disappointment. Terry Webb from Hartlepool had harsh words for the spin supremo. “That git needs a good acid bath, followed by a chilli sauce bath, topped off by a roll in salt. That’s what I would’ve done, plus a bit of footwork to the sides while he’s down. Bollocks to custard.”
“Mouldy green custard perhaps, PLUS boiling vomit mixed with piss, pumped at high pressure through a fireman’s hose would have been acceptable,” said 25 year old Debbie Jones of Cheam. “Then my brother’s football team could have filled him in with toilet brushes. Lord Mandelson? Lord twatface more like.”
Meanwhile Leila Deen, the anti-airport protestor who threw the custard, is brushing off criticism of the stunt. "This is a perfectly legitimate way to make a point about the expansion of Heathrow," she told the Stupid Times. "My only concern is that they press charges and it disrupts my forthcoming gap year in Ghana. I've booked the flights and everything."