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Saturday, March 14, 2009
With the Fire Brigades moving more fat people than ever in its history, a decision has been made to give the service a new name that closer matches its changing responsibilities.
As the British population sit around on their arses stuffing themselves with crap they are putting on “buckets” of excess weight. Normally people would use their own legs and motorised transport or, in emergencies, ambulances to move about the country but now only the local firemen have the equipment to shift some truly hideously lard-arsed gravity benders.
"Generally we would be saving people from fires and car wrecks or getting cats out of trees to help sell local papers," said Fred Smith of Kent County Fire Service. "But not anymore more. I have had to issue my Fat-Fucker fighters with new equipment: baby oil and crow-bars; to help them shift the salad-dodgers, and little caramel and chocolate coated shortbread biscuits to entice them into movement.
"Often a man stuck in a bath will not have eaten for upwards of 20 minutes and the sudden prospect of a carbohydrate laden confectionary can provide the vital extra effort to shift a fat shithoarder."
NHS personnel also noted how these people suffered increasingly from panic attacks during their unintended entrapment. As 25-stoneTracey Sharron was watching TV on the 21st floor of her Leeds tower block last week, the woodwork gave way and she became wedged between the 12th and 13th floors meaning that she could no longer see the screen.
She began hyper-ventilating as the reality dawned that she would not be able to watch the Jeremy Kyle special – My gay smack-head brother fathered my sister and son - which featured most of her family. The story had a happy ending though. As the Fat-Fucker fighters lifted her through the floorboards the phone rang – her Uncle-Daddy was so fat he couldn’t get through the studio doors and recording was rearranged. "I’m so fuckin’ ‘appy." she told us in a phone call from hospital. "This is the best day of my life since my prolapsed rectum operation."
The government were considering doing something about the problem but realised that no-one really cares that much about fat people. An NHS source, who did not want to be named, pointed out that this was a great weight off the health service and that emergency crews could now concentrate on dealing with drunks, people who drove like monkeys on acid and government ministers worried about their gas boilers.
The only drawbacks noted by pundits were that it would both prevent the fire service from filling out risk-assessment forms and draw front line officers away from fire inspections and closing businesses. Obesity campaigners were too busy stuffing their faces to comment.
by Robert Dobson