Jackson family demand second audit

Jackson family want second autopsy @ Yahoo! Video

Michael Jackson's family have demanded a second assessment of the star's finances because they still have questions about what the fuck happened to all his money.

Jackson's relatives are said to want answers from the singer's personal accountant, who has since disappeared leaving only a holiday brochure for the Maldives.

Rev Jesse Jackson, who is a family friend, said: "What in the name of God, Jesus, Muhammad and Abraham did that guy spend his money on? He earned almost a billion dollars and all that's left is a suitcase full of toys and a jar of peanut butter. What the hell did he do with it? Was he using $100 bills for toilet paper?"

Jackson's estate is estimated to be $500 million in debt, with assets barely covering that. Once legal fees and payouts to creditors and benefactors are taken care of, the family expect there to be around 78 cents left in the pot.

Michael Jackson death conspiracy theories break out in record time

Just seconds after the King of Pop was pronounced dead at UCLA Medical Center, the first paranoid delusion about his whereabouts was invented by a crazed fan.

At 2.27 pm Dwight Santos, an unemployed toilet cleaner from Oakland, California, was announcing to the media and anyone else who would listen that he had seen Jacko escaping from the back door of the hospital disguised as a nun. According to Santos, the singer is now en route to a small island in the Caribbean, where he will live out his days as a fruit farmer called Thomas Di Loco.

Not wanting to be outdone, another superfan created a fragile tissue of lies a few minutes later. At 2.29 pm Elisa Chan began telling the assembled throng that she sighted Jackson strapping on a jetpack and flying off towards LAX airport. She explained that the Peter Pan of Pop was going home to his birthplace at Gary, Indiana before taking a flight to Greenland to live with a remote community of Eskimos.

However, one conspiracy theory that isn't being talked up is perhaps the most realistic. Jacko had agreed to do 50 massive comeback shows at the O2 Arena in London this summer, and some think he is shitting bricks and has therefore faked his death and gone into hiding until it all blows over. Sadly, like the singers face and all the other theories, this is completely fake.

RIP Michael Jackson, 1958 - 1982

RIP Wacko Jacko, 1982 - 2009
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Blog shamelessly uses Twitter Iran elections as promotion tool

Well, it's worth a try?

BREAKING NEWS: President Ahmadinejad and Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei have called in former US president George W Bush to oversee a recount. He will be assisted by an international team comprising Kim Jong Il, Robert Mugabe and a broken abacus.

Berlusconi denies paying for sex with money

Embattled Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has fiercely denied he used cash to pay prostitutes for sex and to attend parties.

However, he does have a very special approach to women as this video testifies. British MPs are apparently forming an orderly queue to emigrate to Italy see what they can get away with there.

I'm sure that most ordinary Italians love Berlusconi because he is a 'character' and politics is so boring, sometimes it needs characters.

We've got Boris as Mayor of London, before that we had Ken - then there are people like Thatcher, Tony Benn, Dennis Skinner, and Cyril Smith, but we have no Berlusconi.

Ahmadinejad resigns over expenses scandal

.I'll get my coat and my nukes that don't exist

Despite widespread public anger and protests over blatant vote-rigging, Iran's president has sensationally resigned over an expenses claim he made for a Corby trouser press last year.

Supporters of opposition candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi were calling on President Ahmadinejad to resign and hold a recount of the election he stole, when the news came of his shock departure. According to The Stupid Times Middle-East correspondant Harold Watko, a folder containing receipts and claim forms was stolen and passed to the Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khamenei.

Amid revelations similar to the political crisis in Britain, the embarrassment it is causing to this symbol of Iranian defiance is palpable. Along with the trouser press, the receipts prove Ahmadinejad used his presidential credit card to pay for tea, biscuits and even two Islamic life-coaching films viewed by his wife.
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China marks Tiananmen Square with special Happy Meal toy

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The joy of globalization in action, courtesy of McDonald's

20 years ago, thousands of brave men and women risked their lives and freedom to protest against the Communist Party regime.

Their demonstrations were centered on the historic Tiananmen Square in Beijing, where the iconic image of a lone man standing in front of a tank was beamed around the world. Now in an apparent act of contrition, the government has teamed up with McDonald's to commemorate the brutally crushed rebellion with a new representation of the scene.

The toy will be manufactured in China and included in Happy Meals across the globe. President Hu Jintao hopes that the move will draw a line under the 1989 suppression of demands for democratic rights that caused such controversy.

"This year is of special significance to China," he told a meeting of the Politburo this morning. "Twenty years ago, the Chinese people resolutely embarked on the historic journey of reform and opening-up, and we crapped all over that. But now a plastic toy representing 1989 made by Chinese workers will be waved about by western children for 5 minutes before being thrown in a bin.

"That comrades, is progress."
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Al-Qaeda deputy denounces Obama for GM takeover

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A message attributed to the deputy leader of al-Qaeda has denounced Barack Obama as an "economic vandal" as the US president begins his Middle East trip.

Ayman al-Zawahiri said Mr Obama's initial promise to mend fences with the Muslim world had been shattered by his "socialist agenda" of destroying the American motor industry by taking over General Motors.

The Egyptian-born Ayman al-Zawahiri is often referred to as Osama Bin Laden's right-hand man and al-Qaeda's chief ideologue. He said Mr Obama would not be welcome in Egypt or the wider Arab world, as the region's people are big fans of US shock jocks such as Rush Limbaugh.
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Obama hopeful on Mid-East peace talks icebreaker

.A basketball game was considered too violent and open to cheating
(Picture courtesy of abc news Australia: www.abc.net.au)

After 61 years of statehood and decades of violence, Israel took a step towards normality today as a key dispute with the Palestinians was resolved.

Following secret talks hosted at the White House by President Obama, Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak has revealed 'teach a talent' as the icebreaker for the first round of peace negotiations.

The fun game is played in pairs with 1 representative from the Israeli government and 1 from the Palestinian side teaching each other a skill or party trick. It is hoped that this simple act will dissolve hundreds of years of enmity between the two peoples. Hamas have been offered a spot at the talks, as long as they promise not to teach Prime Minister Netanyahu how to make pipe bombs.

Agreeing the warm-up was in itself a tough call. Several late night meetings dragged on til dawn as Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas refused to budge on using 'Back-2-Back drawing', and Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman demanded they play 'Pin the Tail on the Palestinian'.

Barak, a leading moderate voice in the government, eventually stepped in and brokered the deal.

"I was certain it was possible to agree an energizer and certainly necessary to act with all our might to achieve this first step before I turn 70, which will be in three years, as I really did not want to be still talking about bloody team-building exercises then," he told us outside the BamerKaz team building center between Haifa and Tel Aviv, which will host the meetings.

Obama praised all sides for reaching the historic compromise, saying that the icebreaker was a key part of both people's future.

"Diplomacy is always a matter of a long hard slog, and there's no better way to ease the tension at the start of a long meeting" he said.

"Not only is it in the interest of the Palestinian people to get to know their enemies better before the talks, it's in the interest of the Israeli people to calm the fuck down and chill the fuck out," he said.
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Susan Boyle thing 'getting really silly'

.We're all doomed, but at least Britain's Got Talent

With the news that film star Demi Moore is to fly in from the US to support Susan Boyle in the final of Britain's Got Talent, the world has accepted that things are getting out of hand.

In the week that North Korea pushed the world to the brink of nuclear war, the Taleban pushed Pakistan to the brink of anarchy, and more Tory MPs pushed some peasants out of the way to get to the trough, many are concerned that mindless TV is getting too much attention.

According to reports, former South African President and Nobel Laureate Nelson Mandela tried to get a spot on the show to publicise his AIDS foundation but was refused due to his lack of a Twitter account.

Boyle, who now lives in a mansion surrounded by armed guards, was unavailable for comment as her publicist was snorting a large line of coke off her arse when we called.

Primate fossil is missing link between humans and bankers

The remains of a lemur-like creature with sharp teeth and a long rat-like tail have been unveiled by scientists in the United States.

The fossil, nicknamed ISA, is claimed to be a "missing link" between today's higher primates - monkeys, apes and humans - and our more primitive relatives - bankers, stockbrokers and hedge fund managers.

The team have recreated the lifestyle of the species, which included lending massive amounts of fruit and seeds to insects that could never hope to pay it back, drinking the sap of trees out of crystal goblets, and shitting on forest floor residents from a great height.

They have called it Fuckingus bastardus, to represent the unique place it held in pre-history and the most common term used to describe its modern day descendants.

Sir David Attenborough, who will present a BBC documentary on the discovery said: “This little fucker is going to show us how bankers evolved into the scum-sucking shitbags that destroyed the world economy. The money might be gone, but the link is no longer missing.”
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Netanyahu agrees two war solution

."Two-state solution? You're a real comedian Mr Obama."

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has met President Obama at the White House and reconfirmed his commitment to an endless conflict with the Palestinians.

During their meeting in Washington, Mr Obama suggested the Israeli prime minister had a "historic opportunity to get a serious movement" on Palestinian statehood. Mr Netanyahu responded by saying that he "would rather drink a pint of dead sea filth" than live in peace.

Mr Netanyahu said Israel was ready to live "side by side" with Palestinians as long as they were ready for regular scraps, the odd slaughter and at least two full scale wars a year. Any agreement also depended on Palestinian acceptance of Israel's right to "kick the shit out of their houses daily", he added.

Palestinian negotiator Saeb Erekat and Hamas official Musher al-Masri agreed that peace in the West Bank or Gaza was a "fucking pipe dream", so perpetual war was probably the best thing to hope for.
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Israel and Palestinians finally agree peace talks icebreaker

.A basketball game was considered too violent and open to cheating

After 61 years of statehood and decades of violence, Israel took a step towards normality today as a key dispute with the Palestinians was resolved.

Following secret talks held prior to the annual Independence Day holiday, Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak has revealed 'teach a talent' as the icebreaker for the first round of peace negotiations.

The fun game is played in pairs with 1 representative from the Israeli government and 1 from the Palestinian side teaching each other a skill or party trick. It is hoped that this simple act will dissolve hundreds of years of enmity between the two peoples. Hamas have been offered a spot at the talks, as long as they promise not to teach Prime Minister Netanyahu how to make pipe bombs.

Agreeing the warm-up was in itself a tough call. Several late night meetings dragged on til dawn as Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas refused to budge on using 'Back-2-Back drawing', and Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman demanded they play 'Pin the Tail on the Palestinian'. Barak, a leading moderate voice in the government, eventually stepped in and brokered the deal.

"I was certain it was possible to agree an energizer and certainly necessary to act with all our might to achieve this first step before I turn 70, which will be in three years, as I really did not want to be still talking about bloody team-building exercises then," he told us outside the BamerKaz team building center between Haifa and Tel Aviv, which will host the meetings.
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Africa: we SHIT swine flu

The people of Africa are today pissing themselves laughing as the Western world struggles with a new flu "pandemic".

News that a few Americans were feeling under the weather was greeted with a mass giggle fit in Windhoek, capital of Namibia, where 10% 0f the population live with HIV/AIDS and thousands die from malaria each year.

In nearby Swaziland, where almost 40% of pregnant women test positive for HIV, the government organized a "Day of Hilarity" to celebrate what they are calling "the mild outbreak of treatable illness in the western world."

Ferries resume as French fisherman fall asleep

Ferry services from Dover have resumed after French fishermen ended their blockade of Calais and Dunkirk ports by finally remembering to take an afternoon nap under a tree.

Thousands of British holidaymakers and hauliers trying to cross the Channel were on the verge of writing stern letters to their local MPs when the news came. It is not clear whether the offer of cash from the French government gave the fishermen an added incentive to doze off.

French fishing unions have been demanding that the government allow them to strip the sea of all remaining fish and destroy the fishing industries in neighbouring EU states. They have also been demanding the right to sleep all day on their boats while gigantic nets drag everything out of the sea except blue whales, submarines and Neptune himself.

Pirates demand end to stereotypes in exchange for hostage

Red Sea pirates in negotiations over an American hostage have agreed to his release - on condition that the media and the public stop imagining them with one leg and a parrot.

"We are not all called Long John this or Black beard that. My name is Colin, I still have both my legs and there's no sign of a bird of paradise hanging off me," their ringleader told us. "I certainly haven't got a bottle of rum, and nor would I be saying yo-ho-ho if I did. I'm a recovering alcoholic for your information, thank you very much."

The new breed of pirates terrorising the high seas are becoming increasingly annoyed with the stereotypes that persist of them as red faced sea dogs, dressed in tunics and drinking each other's piss. Pirating has a much more sophisticated profile these days according to Sebastian Simms, a former hedge fund manager who made the switch to piracy after losing his job last year.

He told us: "It's actually very relaxed and peaceful now. There are lots of finance workers joining the crew everyday, and you don't see any walking the plank or slitting of gizzards - times have moved on. Many see it as a career change opportunity with travel, tax free earnings and the odd bit of forced romance thrown in."

Meanwhile, US President Barack Obama is holding back from ordering the federal government to change their official view of piracy. Sasha and Malia are thought to be huge fans of Disney's Pirates of Caribbean films and he is not keen to shatter their image of wild, hairy men doing battle with 3 headed serpents on the edge of the world unless absolutely necessary.

Zuma bribes corrupt prosecutors to drop corruption charges

South Africa's president in waiting is celebrating today after the Director of Public Prosecutions found a large pile of cash in his briefcase.

Jacob Zuma, chairman of the ruling African National Congress party, has been facing graft charges over an arms deal in the 1990s, and was expected to stand trial in the next few months. However with elections looming that would install Mr Zuma as president, Mokotedi Mpshe now believes there was political interference in the accusations.

"I have come to the difficult conclusion that it is neither possible nor desirable for us to continue with the prosecution of Mr Zuma," Mr Mphse said. "The pile of cash that was left in my office has had no bearing on the decision, and the new jewellery my wife is enjoying so much is entirely coincidental."

He also denied that there has been any political pressure on him and his colleagues to make the charges go away. "There is absolutely no truth to the rumours of Mr Zuma promising us all new jobs in the postroom after he wins the election. Nor is it the case that he threatened to have my legs broken."

North Korea forgets matches on launch day

The North Koreans have failed to launch their much anticipated satellite, seen by international observers as cover for a nuclear missile test.

Despite purchasing extra large, windproof and waterproof matches for the event, President Kim Jong-il apparently left them at home. He arrived at the launch site amid "strong winds and cloud" and soon realised the mistake.

Army chiefs and the nation's top scientists then spent 20 minutes searching their coats and cars for a lighter or something before returning empty handed. The president was said to be angry and embarrassed and had two officers executed in an attempt to distract attention from his forgetfulness.

In a statement, North Korean state media said: "In his fortitude and great leadership, President Kim Jong-il has decided to launch the satellite on another day, so that the shining light of progress can break though and show our national unity. The traitors who hid the state matches have paid for their crimes and their families will suffer in turn."

Analysts have questioned the North Korean's technology and have doubts that any rockets launched will travel far. Reports suggest that the president built the devices out of papier mache, selotape and balsa wood during his daily playtime, and most have collapsed before reaching the test launchpad in his back yard.

G20 hail big, vague promises

World leaders are celebrating today as they unveil a set of massive pledges that are unlikely to last beyond next week.

Following meetings in London, the Group of 20 leading industrial nations have agreed to pretend they will find 1 trillion dollars to help all countries tackle the global economic crisis, while actually racking up trade barriers and protecting their own.

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown was seen frottering himself frantically against the furniture after the talks, such was his excitement.

Speaking to reporters at Downing Street this morning, he explained why the negotiations were such a success.

"I met Barack Fucking Obama, how great is that? He came to my house, had breakfast, and he even put his arm round me. Best day of my life."

When challenged by reporters on the details of the deal, including the question of toxic debt and credit availability, Mr Brown was resolute.

"Who here has had a private meeting with President Obama? Come on raise your hands. None of you? Well I have, and he calls me Gordon. Yes, Gordon. Kiss my arse, the lot of you."

Mrs Sarkozy threatens to walk out of the bedroom

French President Nicolas Sarkozy is facing a nookie ban this week after his supermodel wife Carla Bruni demanded some concerted action between the sheets.

According to insiders, Bruni is ready to walk out of their lovemaking negotiations unless the president is able to deliver some 'concrete results' and regulate his erections better.

The stress from several late nights preparing for the G20 summit is thought to be to blame, and the pint sized politician is said to be deeply concerned about the chances of a global economic deal if he is banned from the marital bed.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel, long thought to have the hots for the diminutive Frenchman, this morning announced that she is ready to step in and offer some relief if his sexual frustration threatens the success of the talks. Sarkozy was seen heading for the door soon after.
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Obama arrives in London - protestors melt away

In scenes reminiscent of a famous Only Fools and Horses episode, President Obama has been allowed through crowds of angry G20 demonstrators on his way to breakfast with Gordon Brown.

Like Delboy, the president arrived in the middle of a riot scene outside Downing Street and honked his horn in an attempt to get through. When the mob realised who it was, one shouted "HANG ON, IT'S BARACK!" and the crowd immediately parted long enough for his car to get through.

One anti-globalisation protestor wearing Nike trainers explained why the new President was let off the hook. "He's different to all the other world leaders, he understands us," she said checking her Apple iPhone for the latest instructions. "He won't put American trade and jobs ahead of poverty reduction and environmental standards."

Further east outside the Excel centre in London's Docklands, angry protestors were cheered by the prospect of seeing Obama in the flesh for the first time.

"Hey, he's really cool and not anything like a world leader who could change the global system overnight by signing a piece of paper but doesn't," said 26 year old Sebastian Smith, drinking from a non-recyclable cup of non-fairtrade Cafe Nero coffee.

"He is just like us - except he'll be arriving in an armoured limousine and has a team of CIA goons to protect him."