North Korea forgets matches on launch day

The North Koreans have failed to launch their much anticipated satellite, seen by international observers as cover for a nuclear missile test.

Despite purchasing extra large, windproof and waterproof matches for the event, President Kim Jong-il apparently left them at home. He arrived at the launch site amid "strong winds and cloud" and soon realised the mistake.

Army chiefs and the nation's top scientists then spent 20 minutes searching their coats and cars for a lighter or something before returning empty handed. The president was said to be angry and embarrassed and had two officers executed in an attempt to distract attention from his forgetfulness.

In a statement, North Korean state media said: "In his fortitude and great leadership, President Kim Jong-il has decided to launch the satellite on another day, so that the shining light of progress can break though and show our national unity. The traitors who hid the state matches have paid for their crimes and their families will suffer in turn."

Analysts have questioned the North Korean's technology and have doubts that any rockets launched will travel far. Reports suggest that the president built the devices out of papier mache, selotape and balsa wood during his daily playtime, and most have collapsed before reaching the test launchpad in his back yard.