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Friday, April 10, 2009
Fatties across the UK are in a state of panic today after a factory that produced pies, pasties and sausage rolls exploded early this morning.
As the news broke, lardarses could be seen leaving their homes and waddling to the nearest shops in order to stockpile pastry based foods. Scenes of chaos have been reported at supermarkets as hordes of flabby bastards clear out the aisles of pie type snacks.
Speaking from the factory site in Huddersfield, The Stupid Times' greed correspondent Harold Watko told us of the real sense of fear and panic in the town. "Fat people are wandering the streets in a state of shock. Many shops have sold out of pies, and I saw one twenty stone Tracy munching on a salad in desperation."
The government is sending in the army to deal with the most unruly chunksters, and Mars have offered to supply 100 tonnes of chocolate bars to placate the crowds outside supermarkets.
The army's strategy will be to stand back and watch the greedy twats gradually get tired and go home.