Jackson family demand second audit

Jackson family want second autopsy @ Yahoo! Video

Michael Jackson's family have demanded a second assessment of the star's finances because they still have questions about what the fuck happened to all his money.

Jackson's relatives are said to want answers from the singer's personal accountant, who has since disappeared leaving only a holiday brochure for the Maldives.

Rev Jesse Jackson, who is a family friend, said: "What in the name of God, Jesus, Muhammad and Abraham did that guy spend his money on? He earned almost a billion dollars and all that's left is a suitcase full of toys and a jar of peanut butter. What the hell did he do with it? Was he using $100 bills for toilet paper?"

Jackson's estate is estimated to be $500 million in debt, with assets barely covering that. Once legal fees and payouts to creditors and benefactors are taken care of, the family expect there to be around 78 cents left in the pot.

Michael Jackson death conspiracy theories break out in record time

Just seconds after the King of Pop was pronounced dead at UCLA Medical Center, the first paranoid delusion about his whereabouts was invented by a crazed fan.

At 2.27 pm Dwight Santos, an unemployed toilet cleaner from Oakland, California, was announcing to the media and anyone else who would listen that he had seen Jacko escaping from the back door of the hospital disguised as a nun. According to Santos, the singer is now en route to a small island in the Caribbean, where he will live out his days as a fruit farmer called Thomas Di Loco.

Not wanting to be outdone, another superfan created a fragile tissue of lies a few minutes later. At 2.29 pm Elisa Chan began telling the assembled throng that she sighted Jackson strapping on a jetpack and flying off towards LAX airport. She explained that the Peter Pan of Pop was going home to his birthplace at Gary, Indiana before taking a flight to Greenland to live with a remote community of Eskimos.

However, one conspiracy theory that isn't being talked up is perhaps the most realistic. Jacko had agreed to do 50 massive comeback shows at the O2 Arena in London this summer, and some think he is shitting bricks and has therefore faked his death and gone into hiding until it all blows over. Sadly, like the singers face and all the other theories, this is completely fake.

RIP Michael Jackson, 1958 - 1982

RIP Wacko Jacko, 1982 - 2009
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Berlusconi denies paying for sex with money

Embattled Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has fiercely denied he used cash to pay prostitutes for sex and to attend parties.

However, he does have a very special approach to women as this video testifies. British MPs are apparently forming an orderly queue to emigrate to Italy see what they can get away with there.

I'm sure that most ordinary Italians love Berlusconi because he is a 'character' and politics is so boring, sometimes it needs characters.

We've got Boris as Mayor of London, before that we had Ken - then there are people like Thatcher, Tony Benn, Dennis Skinner, and Cyril Smith, but we have no Berlusconi.

Top Gear's The Stig revealed as twat

After years of anonymously testing high-performance cars on the popular BBC petrol head show, The Stig has been revealed as a complete and utter dickwad.

In last night's Top Gear the test driver, famous for his all white suit and helmet, whipped the crowd of middle aged men with small cocks into a pre-pubescent style frenzy as he prepared to reveal his true identity.

However, on removing his helmet, the TV audience were disappointed to see an ugly middle aged man who refused to accept the facts of climate change and local environmental damage from car exhausts.

Top Gear viewer Susan Jones, 28, was very disappointed. "I expected a young Hunk who could validate my bizarre excitement at watching this heap of shit," she told us while driving the 300 metres to her local Tesco. "But he was a right minger, and not at all exciting. Surely a man who drives a fast car should be better looking and clever?"

But Bob Davies, a 46 year old car enthusiast who fails to see the link between his daughter's asthma and the 3 lane road that runs past his house, said he was pleased with the revelation.

"At the end of the day, The Stig is a symbol of me and my kind. We are average looking, small-minded twats, who drive everywhere because we think that revving an engine makes us look cool. I'm glad he's one of us."

New Commons Speaker to be chosen on reality TV show

With Michael Martin's time as Speaker of the House of Commons coming to an end on Sunday, MPs have settled on a way to update the process of electing his successor.

Following the controversy over expenses, Mr Martin announced he would resign on June 21st several weeks ago. Previously the Speaker was chosen through archaic methods such as voting and counting, but now members wish to bring the selection of their presiding officer into the 21st century.

A new primetime show called I'm an MP......get me in the Chair! will be aired on ITV1 on Sunday and Monday with the candidates for the job put through various tests at a camp in the New Forest. The public will vote off one MP every few hours by phone. Presented by Ant and Dec, the tasks will include drinking steaming hot bowls of horseshit, climbing up trees to get food rations, and eating animal genitals in an attempt to prove they are the best person for the job.

The final two candidates will have to strip down and take part in a naked mudwrestling contest on Monday evening to decide the eventual winner of parliament's most prestigious post.

Harriet Harman, Leader of the House and Chairman of the Modernisation Committee, denied that MPs were dumbing down the process. "We have to realise that people today are not switched on to politics and the democratic process, especially young people. We firmly belive that the sight of senior members of the house vying for the speakership by eating cows cocks and fighting eachother in a pit of filth will help us to reconnect with the electorate."

Duck charms its way into restaurant customers' mouths

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm...............

Diners at a Hampshire restaurant became so fond of a duck that lived in the garden, they have shot it, cooked it, and eaten it.

Ironically named Crispie, the duck was a regular attraction at The Mill in Lymington until a customer who was told they had run out of regular ducks took out his pistol, blew the creature's brains out and handed the waitress its carcass. "Fucking cook this cunt then," he is understood to have said.

Other guests immediately fell upon the corpse and ripped free their portion, with some demanding it was turned into a nice seared breast steak with a jus d'orange, some wanting it as Chinese pancakes and others wolfing it down raw.

Even the children who had previously delighted in the duck's playful antics were seen scurrying off with slivers of raw duck meat and ripping them apart like feral rats.

The Mill's owner Liz Cottingham said: "What can I say? People in this country love animals, so it was no surprise he became popular. But then, they like eating them even more. Who is going to choose looking at the bastard, when you could be eating it cooked rare with a delicious red wine sauce and a side serving of dauphinoise potatoes?"

Arnold Flemborn, a Professor of Anthropology at Cambridge University, concurred with Mrs Cottingham. "People in this country always go on about how much they love animals, right up until dinnertime. Then all bets are off, as we enter a carnival of killing and greed. That cute spring lamb you were cooing over this morning? Dead and on your plate. The sweet calf you fed at the farm? Dead and in the oven."

Raising a meat cleaver over a squealing piglet, Professor Flemborn ended his analysis on a positive note. "But look on the bright side. I'm having bacon for breakfast, sausages for lunch, and pork chops for tea. Thank you very much Babe."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/hampshire/8108319.stm

Susan Boyle thing 'getting really silly'

.We're all doomed, but at least Britain's Got Talent

With the news that film star Demi Moore is to fly in from the US to support Susan Boyle in the final of Britain's Got Talent, the world has accepted that things are getting out of hand.

In the week that North Korea pushed the world to the brink of nuclear war, the Taleban pushed Pakistan to the brink of anarchy, and more Tory MPs pushed some peasants out of the way to get to the trough, many are concerned that mindless TV is getting too much attention.

According to reports, former South African President and Nobel Laureate Nelson Mandela tried to get a spot on the show to publicise his AIDS foundation but was refused due to his lack of a Twitter account.

Boyle, who now lives in a mansion surrounded by armed guards, was unavailable for comment as her publicist was snorting a large line of coke off her arse when we called.

MP retiring over taxpayer funded secret island

.No, Mr Viggers, I expect you to retire!
Image courtesy of Cairns Unlimited www.cairnsunlimited.com

A Tory MP is to leave parliament after admitting he claimed a £1.6 million "secret island" on expenses.

Sir Peter Viggers, whose world domination claims totalled £30 million is to quit at "the direct request of the chairman of SPECTRE" for bringing the terror organization into disrepute.

The island, which lies off the coast of an undisclosed landmass in an undisclosed sea, features an airport, barracks for heavily armed mercenaries, a weapons research facility and a fake volcano which Viggers sits in to stroke his white cat.

The evil genius has based his operations out of the Gosport constituency in Hampshire for much of the past 35 years, but decided to purchase the island in 2003 following investigations by the parliamentary authorities into his blatant piss-taking.

It is understood that the British counter-terrorism police, assisted by a handsome MI6 agent, are en route to the island. They will be politely asking Viggers to pay back the money he claimed from taxpayers to fund his crime empire.

In a statement, Sir Peter said: "The claims I made were in accordance with the rules. The fees office are fools. I offered my services, they refused. So did the police. Now they can both pay for their mistake."
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Speaker resigns on hearing Esther Rantzen plans

.She'll bite the bloody mace in half!

The Speaker of the House of Commons is today resigning, citing celebrity involvement in politics and "those fucking teeth" as the reasons.

After several days of intense pressure, Michael Martin had been holding firm in his intention to remain in office. But early on Tuesday he heard that Esther Rantzen, a faded TV personality and general sanctimonious pain in the arse, is planning on standing for parliament.

"Fuck that shit," he told the Stupid Times on hearing the news. "I'm not listening to her tabling early day motions about carrots shaped like cocks and using the Commons chamber to stage telethons. What's next? Graham Norton mincing up to the dispatch box to answer oral questions?"

"And the teeth. Sweet Jesus - she could bite clean through Erskine May with those. I'm well out of it."

Mr Martin is expected to announce his departure later today, precipitating a by-election for his Glasgow Springburn constituency. Candidates lining up to replace him are fat twat TV chef Antony Worrell-Thompson, plastic-titted model Jordan, and diminutive transvestite Jimmy Kranky.

The tearful by-election will take place live on Britain's Got No Fucking Hope next week.
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Osborne leads UK 'least wanted' list

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Osborne and a friend laughing at some poor people yesterday

The names of some of the people the UK wants banned for being incredibly irritating have been published for the first time.

16 complete twats have been named by the Home Office. They include leading politicians, celebrities and that bloke who licks Chris Moyle's arse during the fat idiot's radio show.

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne is the most high-profile politician on the list, his squeaky voice, upper class disdain for the public, and air of arrogance given as reasons in the report. He is joined by deputy Labour leader and sanctimonious cow Harriet Harman, whose inability to relate to real people secures her a top spot.

The world of entertainment is represented by Moyles, his brown nosing assistant, and pointless celebrity couple Katie Price and Peter Andre. They were included for being so nauseating that a panel of Home Office researchers were forced to leave the room to vomit after watching their mind-numbing reality TV show.

Among other names on the list are fanny rat footballer Ashley Cole, serial fuck-up tennis player Tim Henman, and toothy billionaire bell end Richard Branson.
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Obama pitches new stimulus package to help nation attend U2 tour dates

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Brother can you spare a $100 bill?

President Obama is this morning locked in negotiations with congressional leaders to release federal funds so that Americans can buy tickets for the 2009 U2 concerts announced today.

With the country deep in recession and Bono looking more and more like Mrs Doubtfire every day, the President is keen to raise national morale by allowing people to enjoy the Irish quartet’s emotionally driven rock one more time before they end up crap like the Rolling Stones.

Tickets are expected to cost at least $100 and with jobs haemorrhaging from the economy, most credit cards withdrawn and the average American now living off an annual income equal to the cost of The Edge’s sunglasses, there is widespread concern that normal music fans won’t be able to afford to go.

In a statement, White House Press Secretary David Gibbs explained the motivation behind the talks:

“The president is a huge fan of the group and was honoured to have the American leg kicking off in his home city of Chicago. But he was keen to avoid the sight of Bono and co strutting their stuff to near empty stadia and therefore, this morning he has scheduled extraordinary meetings to prepare a new stimulus package for the tickets.

“There are several options on the table, from a tax credit for every worker equal to the cost of a ticket, to allowing food stamps to be used at Ticketmaster outlets. The President is determined to reach a deal by the end of the day, and is hoping for front row seats for him, Michelle, Malia and Sasha.”

The Stupid Times' Political Rock Editor Harold Watko explained that the money would have an impact far beyond the band and their fans.

“Congressional leaders know that the money won’t just go to one of the richest rock groups in the world. There’s also the hotdog sellers outside the stadium, the guy by the subway hawking fake merchandise, and the prostitutes servicing businessmen on corporate hospitality deals. This will help everyone to get a leg up as they try and ride the recession.”

House and Senate Republicans are however vehemently opposed to the plans. According to insiders, House Minority leader John Boehner went into the talks with a set of pre-conditions he wanted agreed before discussions could even begin. These included a ban on condom sales at the venues, guaranteed support slots for abstinence freaks the Jonas Brothers, and tax breaks for rich rock fans.
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Celebrity climbers reach summit of Mount Kilimanjaro

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Sadly, the real climbers on the mountain were pushed to their deaths to make way for the camera crews.

Those that didn't fall jumped voluntarily as soon as Chris Moyles opened his stupid fat mouth.

http://www.comicrelief.com/
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Michael Jackson tickets to sell out faster than Michael Jackson

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http://www.michaeljackson.com/tickets/
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ITV promises no interruption to broadcasts of utter shit

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Don't worry, these twats will be around for years

Despite the announcement of 600 job losses across its businesses, ITV has reassured concerned viewers that they will continue pumping complete crap into their homes for years to come.

The announcement came as ITV reported a loss of £2.7bn for 2008 and Jeremy Kyle revealed that Sharon Thomas from Barnsley is actually a man called Dave Smith from Luton and he used to be married to Kerry James from down the road who is shagging Steve who works in Tesco.

Initially there were fears in the industry that gems such as Dancing on Ice, Coleen’s Real Women and Piers Morgan’s Life Stories would be lost from our screens. This would leave telly addicts in need of a fix of mindless bollocks relying on Sky for their evening’s supply of truly terrible programming.

But ITV Chairman Michael Grade has calmed investors by promising to keep all that shit, and also to extend Ant and Dec’s presence on his channels with new hourly mini-shows called Ant and Dec Burn Our Money in which the cheeky duo receive large piles of the company’s limited cash and set fire to it with help from a string of C-list celebrities.

Other highlights for the next year will include That Bloke Off Emmerdale Sings The Blues, Celebrity Cheese-making Challenge, and Carol Vorderman’s Work It Out With A Pencil where the former countdown star helps people with persistent constipation problems.

Grade told reporters he was confident that supplies of god-awful nonsense would be maintained:

“We at ITV pride ourselves in sending the best quality shit into the nation’s homes 24/7. These are the worst times I have ever seen in the industry for funding really poor TV, and the job losses are essential so we can find the money to pay twats like Ant and Dec millions to act like cunts on your screen throughout 2009 and 2010.”

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Terminator to ride to the rescue of California

.You could never accuse Arnie of being camp

The Stupid Times can exclusively reveal Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to revive his role as the Terminator in a desperate attempt to balance California’s books.

After 46 straight hours of debate state legislators finally passed a budget last week that will halve the deficit of $40 billion by June 2010. But the Governor has now pledged to donate his fee for ‘Terminator 4 – Gay Love Behind Bars’ and a cut of the box office takings to prevent further public sector workers across the state getting the boot.

The plot is yet to be confirmed but is rumoured to involve John Connor being sent to the slammer after being identified as a key player in the Bernard Madoff fraud. The Terminator is then sent back through time to work as a prison guard and ensure John never escapes, only for the two to fall in love and elope to San Francisco.

Schwarzenegger has taken unpaid leave from the Governor's mansion for the next two months to learn his eight lines for the film, find a steroids dealer and get beefed up at the gym.

Speaking at Venice Beach after a lengthy workout he said:

“Up until this moment my main achievement as Governor has been to convert my hummer to run on grapes. I am really excited at the prospect of the Terminator riding to the rescue of the people of California

“I admit the plot is a little far fetched but you just have to look at our politics to see nothing really makes sense anymore.

“This budget saw Republicans voting for tax rises and Democrats voting to cut spending. If you can accept this then I think the premise of John Connor and the Terminator becoming an item is perfectly plausible.

“The name of the game is to make a lot of money by producing an absolutely ridiculous film, something for which I have a genuine expertise.”

Filming is due to start in the next few weeks but there are reports of a possible delay with Schwarzenegger wanting his character to be more pro-environment than in previous films. Ideas being circulated are for the Terminator to ride his bike at a set speed to maximise fuel efficiency and for him to always shut himself down at bedtime rather than leaving himself on stand-by all night.
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TV channels want Guantanamo detainee to save their bacon

. Two very good reasons to keep Guantanamo Bay open

Channel 4 and ITV have been strongly criticised after submitting lucrative offers to Binyam Mohamed to appear on Big Brother and I’m a Celebrity Get Me out of Here.

Both stations want the former Guantanamo detainee to appear on their shows later this year in an attempt to boost flagging ratings.

But the director of human rights pressure group Liberty, Shami Chakrabarti, slammed producers saying it was completely unacceptable to submit Mr Mohamed to the mental torture of communicating with Ant and Dec on a daily basis.

Ms Chakrabarti said:

“Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire. Mr Mohamed may see this as a means to make some quick money but I would advise him to think twice before subjecting himself to such an ordeal.

“As well as those two Geordie twats he will have to put up with a couple of nobodies from EastEnders or Emmerdale and some bird with big jugs going on all day about how fat she looks in her g-string.

“Big Brother is not much better. The odds there are he would be housed with a one-legged transvestite, an asian dwarf with a gigantic todger and some guy call Glen from Chelmsford with five pairs of white trainers.”

Channel 4 and ITV defended their actions, saying it was an excellent opportunity for the ex-Gitmo inmate to see at first hand the depths the nation had sunk to for its entertainment since he had been incarcerated.

Mr Mohamed refused to comment on the offer, saying he was entirely focused on readjusting to life in Britain after seven years of brutal torture at the hands of the Americans. He is presently staying in a two-up two-down in Bracknell, has just signed up for pre-season nets at the local cricket club and is a member of an internet dating site targeted at people whose lives had been fucked up by Dick Cheney.

Carers are working to slowly reintroduce him into the realities in of life in Britain. They are yet to show him a copy of the Daily Express and break the news that Richard and Judy no longer front up This Morning.

Nursing Assistant Joan Dogweed told the press that on arrival at his new home Mr Mohamed had immediately questioned her on whether the king and queen of daytime TV were still together.

She told us: “From what he said it appears that Guantanamo Bay was split into two camps, those who thought Richard and Judy would go the distance and those that believed he would one day find a piece of hot young crumpet and bugger-off.

“Mr Mohamed was a believer in their love and so will be pleased they are still happily married. However I will wait a bit before telling him they now operate from some internet porn channel.”
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University Challenge viewers in shock as posh students win posh students' quiz

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Paxman's wet dream at rest

University Challenge broke new ground yesterday as a group of toffs from Corpus Christi College, Oxford University won the final, thrashing some oiks from Manchester by 85 points.

Following weeks of questions so difficult and obscure that even Stephen Hawking would get up and walk off, Latin Scholar and overall annoyingly clever person Gail Trimble led her team to success against the odds.

"It's amazing," a breathless Trimble told the Stupid Times after the final, on her way to do some more study. "Who ever would have imagined that a privately educated rich girl like me who likes to read classical poetry in my spare time instead of drinking and fucking would ever get this far in life?"

"I think it is a testament to this country that a humble public school-girl from Surrey can get to Oxford, win University Challenge, and then return to normality by digesting the complete works of Ovid before going to bed alone."

Jeremy Paxman who hosts the quiz, would not confirm or deny reports that he had a massive erection throughout the final as the sultry Oxford postgraduate fired answer after answer to the ridiculously difficult questions at him.

A spokesman for the BBC said: "Jeremy has the utmost respect for Miss Trimble and he always admires women with great intelligence. The tumescence or otherwise of his member during the show is a private matter."

Praise for Miss Trimble has come from diverse quarters. Old Etonian Tory leader David Cameron was joined by Old Etonian Mayor of London Boris Johnson in praising her victory. In a joint statement they said: "For too long, being wealthy and privileged has been a disadvantage in this country. I hope that we members of the ruling classes can now operate on a level playing field - preferably at Eton."

However, on the streets of towns up and down England, people seemed disinterested in the show and Miss Trimble's success.

Henry Jones, a gardener from Wigan, wasn't aware of the win. "I don't watch that shit. Even Who Wants To Be A Millionaire makes my brain bleed. Golden Balls is more my kind of thing."

Devon dinner lady Barbara Davies was more forthright. "They're a posh shower of bastards. If I didn't have to work for the minimum wage and raise 4 kids, I might have the time and money to tease out the intricacies of Ariadne's Lament by Catullus. But I FUCKING DON'T, alright?"
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George W Bush accepts best actor Oscar

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George W Bush last night gave an emotional winning speech as he picked up the Best Actor award for his performance in 2001-2009 as an incompetent, bumbling president who took the USA into a disastrous war and to the brink of economic collapse.

Fighting back tears, he thanked his wife Laura, God and the people of America for "bravely electing me twice." Bush was not the only winner for the 2001-2009 presidency, and those who supported his performance were also recognised. Academy Awards also went to General David Petraeus for Best Visual Effects and Karl Rove for Best Sound Editing. 2001-2009 also won the best picture award.

There was some consternation however as Dick Cheney failed to pick up the Best Director prize, despite being considered the true architect of 2001-2009. That prize went to Rick Davis for his work on the comedy hit, McCain-Palin 2008.

"Now who's the idiot," asked Bush to rapturous applause during his speech. "This all started a long time ago, and what a way to end it, gee. Some people have criticised my performance as president, they said it was too much like a caricature. Well tonight they have their answer. Thank you, and God Bless you all."

Bush began his acting career back in the 1970s when he carefully crafted the character of a useless oil man continually getting bailed out by his daddy's friends. The 1980s saw him excel at playing a drunk, boorish, rich guy with little focus in life. But it was the 1990s when his career took off. His work as a clueless Texan governor in 1995-2000 earned him a nomination at the Golden Globes, and paved the way for last night's win.

The Stupid Times' entertainment reporter Harold Watko was at the ceremony and gave his analysis of the award. "Essentially, this Oscar has put Bush up there with the greats. Not since Herbert Hoover won for Financial Collapse 1929-1933 or Richard Nixon for Impeachment '74 has anyone been so convincing as a bad president. Sadly Bush has insisted that 2001-2009 was his last role, so fans hoping for more will be left disappointed."

Other big winners of the night were Sarah Palin, who won Best Supporting Actress for her role as a naive and incompetent vice-presidential nominee in McCain-Palin 2008, and Hillary Clinton, who took the Best Actress gong for her role as a brave new female politician battling against the establishment in Democratic Primaries 2008.
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Angelina Jolie turns the air blue at the BAFTAs

.Jolie before her expletive-laden outburst

The most famous couple in cinema were involved in an ugly shouting match outside the Royal Opera House after coming away from last nights BAFTAs empty handed.

Movie fans were stunned to see Angelina Jolie turn on hubby Brad Pitt and call him a “fucking moron” for insisting they attend the ceremony despite having zero chance of winning. The sultry star went on to publicly accuse her partner of being deluded about his acting abilities and saying he looked like a real gay boy with his new moustache.

Earlier in the evening Jolie had predictably been pipped by Kate Winslet for the Best Actress award and Pitt had lost out to Mickey Rourke for the prize of Best Actor. Later speaking exclusively to The Stupid Times at a BAFTA after party, Jolie said:

"There was no way the Brits were going to vote for me ahead of that bitch Winslet, no matter how nauseating the prospect of her making another tearful acceptance speech was.

"Brad makes for good eye candy but when the serious acting prizes are being handed out, his time would be better spent filling out the papers for the Scottish triplets we are trying to adopt. The only good thing about the night was that fucking Tom Cruise isn't in town. I am getting pretty pissed off with him trying to sign Brad up to Scientology.

"Mind you, if you had made a shit war film littered with historical inaccuracies while playing the lead role as a German using an American accent, then I'm sure you may have felt a little embarrassed showing your face around your peers."

Jolie went on to criticise the BAFTA organisers saying it was ridiculous having such an important event on a weekend when the Circle Line of the London Underground was closed.

"It was a nightmare getting from our hotel to Covent Garden with the tube down and I’ll be fucked if I am getting the night bus home later," she said huddling under an umbrella and smoking a roll up. "Meryl Streep has the number for a 24 hour mini-cab service so hopefully that should sort us out. Bollocks am I coming back to this turd of a city next year."
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