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Monday, March 9, 2009

Obama pitches new stimulus package to help nation attend U2 tour dates

Brother can you spare a $100 bill?

President Obama is this morning locked in negotiations with congressional leaders to release federal funds so that Americans can buy tickets for the 2009 U2 concerts announced today.

With the country deep in recession and Bono looking more and more like Mrs Doubtfire every day, the President is keen to raise national morale by allowing people to enjoy the Irish quartet’s emotionally driven rock one more time before they end up crap like the Rolling Stones.

Tickets are expected to cost at least $100 and with jobs haemorrhaging from the economy, most credit cards withdrawn and the average American now living off an annual income equal to the cost of The Edge’s sunglasses, there is widespread concern that normal music fans won’t be able to afford to go.

In a statement, White House Press Secretary David Gibbs explained the motivation behind the talks:

“The president is a huge fan of the group and was honoured to have the American leg kicking off in his home city of Chicago. But he was keen to avoid the sight of Bono and co strutting their stuff to near empty stadia and therefore, this morning he has scheduled extraordinary meetings to prepare a new stimulus package for the tickets.

“There are several options on the table, from a tax credit for every worker equal to the cost of a ticket, to allowing food stamps to be used at Ticketmaster outlets. The President is determined to reach a deal by the end of the day, and is hoping for front row seats for him, Michelle, Malia and Sasha.”

The Stupid Times' Political Rock Editor Harold Watko explained that the money would have an impact far beyond the band and their fans.

“Congressional leaders know that the money won’t just go to one of the richest rock groups in the world. There’s also the hotdog sellers outside the stadium, the guy by the subway hawking fake merchandise, and the prostitutes servicing businessmen on corporate hospitality deals. This will help everyone to get a leg up as they try and ride the recession.”

House and Senate Republicans are however vehemently opposed to the plans. According to insiders, House Minority leader John Boehner went into the talks with a set of pre-conditions he wanted agreed before discussions could even begin. These included a ban on condom sales at the venues, guaranteed support slots for abstinence freaks the Jonas Brothers, and tax breaks for rich rock fans.

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