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Monday, March 2, 2009

SNP out to destroy Scottish culture with alcohol plan say drunk Scots

A typical Scottish fridge this morning
The people of Scotland have risen up against the SNP Government’s proposals for reducing the amount of alcohol they consume, labelling it an attack on their way of life.

Angry, hungover crowds began gathering outside off licenses and public houses in the early hours to protest against the measures, disappearing inside at opening time to protest some more by purchasing gallons of cheap booze and then drinking it incredibly quickly. The Stupid Times caught up with some of the demonstrators as they began their day of action.

“My father was pissed as a fart his whole life, as was his father before him, and his father’s father,” said solicitor Jerry Stuart, 61, in an Edinburgh pub at 10am this morning. “I‘ve been pissed up since I could walk and it’s staying that way til the day I die.” Nursing a quadruple whisky, Mr Stuart then threw a pool queue through the window and collapsed on the floor with suspected liver failure.

25 year old waitress Gloria Muir was outraged as she walked home from her local convenience store. Carrying 8 cans of super strength lager, she had harsh words for the First Minister. “Alex Salmond is having a fucking laugh if he thinks I’m cutting down. This is what I do, and I going to drink all this at home to send a message to him.”

Meanwhile, radio shows were filled with indignation from Scots up and down the country. One caller asked: “What’s next? Are they going to ask the English to stop whining, the Americans to stop being fat, or the Germans to stop shitting on each other? Leave us alone!”

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