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Friday, February 27, 2009

Darling to marry horse to save economy from collapse


Three cheers for Alistair and Louise!

Treasury officials are today making final arrangements for the wedding of Alistair Darling to a horse in a desperate attempt to avert financial catastrophe.

The extraordinary decision was taken after the beleaguered Chancellor read about a toddler being married off to a dog in eastern India in a bid to prevent his predicted death by a tiger.

Darling now believes engaging in a similar ritual with an attractive mare named Louise offers his only chance of saving the country from 10% employment and him being filled in whenever he sets foot outside his front door.

Speaking in front of stables in a secret location the Chancellor said:

“Nationalised banks, a ballooning national debt, a devalued currency, widespread bankruptcy and mass unemployment is a bad omen for our economy.

“The only way to reverse this is for me to wed and start sleeping with a horse, something that was confirmed by a clairvoyant Gordon and I met on a boy’s weekend in Margate.

“Some may say this is fucked up but I think it is a sign of good government returning to Downing Street and may yet save Gordon and I from retraining as blacksmiths.”

The plan was hatched just days after the Indian ceremony at a Hindu Temple in Jaipur where 18-month Sangula was forced to toddle down aisle after his parents had noticed the strange growth of a tooth.

This is considered a bad omen in the boy’s tribal community and village elders believed it would lead to him being killed in a tiger attack - a fate preventable, according to tradition, by marrying a dog.

The ceremony was conducted with all the rituals observed at traditional weddings including a dowry for the bride - the village bitch. The dog also sported two silver rings and a silver chain.

The Stupid Times spoke to the boy’s father, Mr Shilpur, who remained confident his son’s marriage would be a successful one.

However after being told of the losses incurred by RBS and Lloyds TSB and the lack of available credit for small businesses he was less positive about Darling’s chances of success.

“This horse may have a nice shiney coat and always be up for love making but it still may not be sufficient to save the British people from abject poverty. My advice is to get the mare pregnant and see if that stops the slide in the Stock Market.”

The Prime Minister cancelled his monthly press conference and was seen practicing his Best Man speech on all fours.

His wedding present is reported to be a cordoned off area of St James Park where Louise can graze and Darling can change the hay and prepare his budget with the help of the stable boys.

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