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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Tsvangirai broken in as Zimbabwe's PM

.The President prepares to shake hands with the new PM

Zimbabwe's opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai has been sworn in as prime minister by President Robert Mugabe and his followers using a traditional Zimbabwean shit kicking rite.

During a relentless seven hour ceremony Mr Tvangirai was administered the oath of office hanging upside down with electrodes attached to his testicles, while 21 year old Zanu PF 'war veterans' beat him with sticks and knotted rope.

Mr Tsvangirai and his Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) party won the first round of last year's presidential election - but he withdrew from the run-off campaign, citing a sore back, knees, arms, head, face, fingers, shoulders, feet, eyeballs and groin.

A visibly emotional Tsvangirai addressed the nation live on TV as the ceremony reached its conclusion. "I will well and truly serve Zimbabwe – AAARRGH - in the office of prime minister of the - SWEET JESUS NO - republic of Zimbabwe, so help me God – PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME GOD," Mr Tsvangirai said with his broken right arm raised awkwardly.

Following a spell of recuperation in hospital, the new prime minister will have to deal with an economy in ruins. Hyperinflation is causing prices to double every day and the country is now using pebbles and clumps of dry grass as currency since paper money cannot be printed fast enough to keep up with demand.

People on the streets of the capital Harare are sceptical that the new government will work, especially given that Mr Tvangirai will be distracted from his work by a dedicated team of Mugabe's thugs whacking him with baseball bats and slashing him with machetes throughout the day. However, a Zanu PF spokesman denied that the continuing violence was symbolic of president's lack of commitment to progress.

"Under the terms of the coalition deal, it has been agreed that we can continue to have a little rough and tumble with the MDC now and then," he told us on a break from beating up a Nun. "If this sometimes goes too far, well, that's the price of peace. Think of it as a family quarrel – but one where someone gets mortally wounded."

The remaining opposition members of the new coalition cabinet will be sworn in on Friday by being pushed of a cliff at Victoria Falls. The brave ministers that survive are expected to start the job of reconstruction in earnest on Monday, fractured skull or no fractured skull.

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