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Thursday, February 5, 2009

Bush complains of 'gruelling schedule' post-presidency

Dubya on a rare break from the housework
Former President George W. Bush has been out of office less than three weeks - but he is already complaining of a gruelling schedule since leaving the White House on January 20th.

For a man who many said arrived in the Oval Office by accident, became popular by accident on 9/11, but then fucked everything up on purpose to help out his rich friends, relaxing into a wealthy and work free retirement should have been easy. But having grown up rich and spent most of his adult life smashed on whisky or at the highest levels of state and federal elected office, being at home is hard work.

According to friends, his wife Laura is busying herself with charity and educational work, and with their twin daughters having grown up and left home, life is one long lonely chore for the 43rd President. “He starts each day before sunrise by taking the dogs Barney and Spot for a 2 hour walk without a secret service agent to clear up their shit,” said one ex-Cabinet member on the condition of anonymity. “Then its back home to make breakfast for everyone, which could involve frying eggs and bacon, making porridge, freshly squeezing the oranges and grapefruits with his personalised Shock and Awe juicer and then all the washing up. After Laura has gone to work, he has to do the laundry, press her suits and begin the process of dusting and hoovering the house. By lunchtime he is exhausted and ready for a nap.”

Compared to the light hours Bush put in at the White House, where he often rose at 9am and had his head down from 1-2pm, and was tucked up again at 9pm, the early starts and late nights cooking and clearing up after Laura and her friends is wearing him down. “One of the hardest things is having to pour his own milk on his cornflakes,” said a neighbour who has lent the downcast former President a lawnmower. “He had a team of people to do it for him, and now he even has to put it back in the fridge. He didn’t even know where the fridge was in D.C.”

By contrast, former vice-president Dick Cheney is having a ball. All the money he stashed away in Halliburton and Kellogg, Brown and Root shares before he took office has mushroomed thanks to all the Iraq contracts and he is now a multi-trillionaire. He has spent a large slice of the money on a remote island, a white furry cat, and an army of fanatical mercenaries. Several agents have tried to infiltrate the 'duck-shooting resort' as he calls it, but few have returned alive.

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