Public ‘favour religious values’ - for everyone else

.Who's coming dogging then?

A survey of people in the UK has discovered that a majority want society to operate on strict moral codes based on the major religions, just so long as they don’t have to follow them.

The Stupid Times interviewed 20 random people in a central London pub. Our questions revealed 60% were in favour of churches having greater influence on the government - as long as they could ignore everything they say. However, the 40% that had consumed 5 pints or more wanted the country to be run by their best fucking mates.

Tina Jeffs, a 30 year old solicitor from Dulwich on her third gin and tonic was in the 60%. “Something has to be done, the world’s gone mad hasn’t it? All these kids having kids, and people disrespecting authority. I think it’s time for a return to good old fashioned family values.”

We asked Jeffs if she would feel comfortable following religious teaching to the letter herself. “Of course, of course,” she replied. “Well, except when it comes to sex, especially pornography, wanking, dogging and anal. No, I couldn’t give them up. Or contraception – I don’t want any smelly kids running around my new house.”

Alan Webber, a roofer from Lewisham finishing his second pint had similar views. “I read the Sun every day and I’m bloody terrified of the outside world. It seems that the only option is some Victorian moral order to keep people down. Having said that, I don’t want them disrupting my illegal bare knuckle boxing club. It’s the one thing that keeps me from beating the wife.”

The Roman Catholic Archbishop of Westminster, Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, praised the survey as evidence that people were still prepared to submit themselves to years of crushing guilt and furtive fumbling, before spending eternity in the depths of hell atoning for their sins.

He said: “The church of St Peter is a church of strict penalties but also forgiveness. It’s true that we are strict with young couples who want to avoid unwanted pregnancies, but then we are very keen to forgive mad priests who shag the choirboys. But if I’m honest, as long as people come to bloody church once a week, they can think and do whatever they want. It’s all about bums on seats my friend, bums on seats.”
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