Lost untangled fails to untangle Lost

.After four years stranded on a desert island, the food was running low

American viewers sat down last night to have everything explained about the seriously confusing TV series Lost, but ended up wondering whether the TV was real and if it was all part of a government conspiracy to turn their brains into ice cream.

Lost was first broadcast in 2004 and since then millions of people have been struggling to keep up with it's increasingly bizarre plot twists and turns as a group of very lucky, healthy and uninjured plane crash survivors do some really weird stuff on the beautiful unspoiled island that their plane just happened to break apart over.

Lost Untangled was supposed to give an introduction to new viewers and a helping hand to longstanding fans who are confused by the story so far. However it was essentially a blank screen with people whispering "Lost....you're lost" over the audio, followed by contradictory statements including "Well...maybe your not Lost", "It could all be a dream", and "Did you leave the car lights on...who knows whoooo whooohoooo"

It also failed even to answer the most pertinent question of all the shows so far - how did that fat guy stay so fucking fat? Did he find a secret snack cupboard in the jungle with 1000 snickers bars in? And why didn't the other survivors eat him?

Meanwhile, President Obama has called on the ABC network cap the salaries of Lost's actors and production team at $500,000 a year until the program actually starts to make some sense.

At a White House press briefing, the President said: "For top executives and actors to award themselves large sums of money for confusing the shit out of us isn't just bad taste -- it's a bad strategy, as we will stop watching unless things get a little clearer. We're going to be demanding some nice simple plots, perhaps a light hearted love story or some slapstick set ups. And most importantly, we need an explanation of how the fat guy stayed so fucking fat? I mean, did he eat the bodies of those who didn't make it?"

Lost season 5 will continue to tax your brain and defy the laws of reason on a TV channel near you until 2010.
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