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Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Gordon Brown is set to go doolally during a general election campaign which the Conservatives will most likely win, according to a new poll.
A survey of leading psychiatrists conducted by Populus on behalf of The Stupid Times has unanimously agreed the Prime Minister will go stark raving mad on the eve of a Tory landslide that could deliver the worst Labour election result since 1935.
Many are blaming the pressures of office as he grapples with one of the worst financial crises in decades, and the bounce in Mr Brown’s personal sanity ratings after the banking rescues of 2008 has now been largely wiped out. But many are also criticising former PM Tony Blair for calling him every day and asking: "How's it going Gordon, having fun? Yeah? Enjoying all that shit I left you to deal with. Bwahahaha!"
A Downing Street source mocked the analysis. “This isn't anything new - Gordon has been a nutjob for years, before he became PM.” he told us. “He is nicknamed the ghost of Downing Street because he spends most of his time shuffling down the corridors groaning, walking into walls and appearing white-faced in front of terrified officials.”
Justice Secretary Jack Straw, who has also been tipped for lunacy at the election, admitted the demons are coming. Speaking from his constituency office in Blackburn he confirmed that the prime minister and several members of the cabinet are probably mad as badgers. “Gordon and I have been in the Cabinet non-stop since 1997, and frankly we’ve had about 3 hours sleep in 12 years. Most days I’m hallucinating before breakfast and it’s only a matter of time before we both start foaming at the mouth and falling over backwards,” he told us.
Tory leader David Cameron, the man set to become the UK's next chief lunatic if the poll is right, was more sanguine. “I don't think that Gordon is mad, has been mad, or will go mad” he confided. “I just think he's shit and I want his job.”