University Challenge broke new ground yesterday as a group of toffs from Corpus Christi College, Oxford University won the final, thrashing some oiks from Manchester by 85 points.
Following weeks of questions so difficult and obscure that even Stephen Hawking would get up and walk off, Latin Scholar and overall annoyingly clever person Gail Trimble led her team to success against the odds.
"It's amazing," a breathless Trimble told the Stupid Times after the final, on her way to do some more study. "Who ever would have imagined that a privately educated rich girl like me who likes to read classical poetry in my spare time instead of drinking and fucking would ever get this far in life?"
"I think it is a testament to this country that a humble public school-girl from Surrey can get to Oxford, win University Challenge, and then return to normality by digesting the complete works of Ovid before going to bed alone."
Jeremy Paxman who hosts the quiz, would not confirm or deny reports that he had a massive erection throughout the final as the sultry Oxford postgraduate fired answer after answer to the ridiculously difficult questions at him.
A spokesman for the BBC said: "Jeremy has the utmost respect for Miss Trimble and he always admires women with great intelligence. The tumescence or otherwise of his member during the show is a private matter."
Praise for Miss Trimble has come from diverse quarters. Old Etonian Tory leader David Cameron was joined by Old Etonian Mayor of London Boris Johnson in praising her victory. In a joint statement they said: "For too long, being wealthy and privileged has been a disadvantage in this country. I hope that we members of the ruling classes can now operate on a level playing field - preferably at Eton."
However, on the streets of towns up and down England, people seemed disinterested in the show and Miss Trimble's success.
Henry Jones, a gardener from Wigan, wasn't aware of the win. "I don't watch that shit. Even Who Wants To Be A Millionaire makes my brain bleed. Golden Balls is more my kind of thing."
Devon dinner lady Barbara Davies was more forthright. "They're a posh shower of bastards. If I didn't have to work for the minimum wage and raise 4 kids, I might have the time and money to tease out the intricacies of Ariadne's Lament by Catullus. But I FUCKING DON'T, alright?"
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