Sir Fred Goodwin has responded to the government's request that he give up or reduce his £16 million pension pot by defecating into a shoebox and hand delivering it to the Treasury.
Despite widespread condemnation and a personal plea from Financial Services Secretary Lord Myners, the former chief executive of the now fucked Royal Bank of Scotland conducted the dirty protest in full view of the media and even wiped his poo-stained hands on photographs of the Chancellor of the Exchequer and the Prime Minister.
In a shitted letter to Lord Myners that was at the bottom of the shoebox, the former RBS boss outlined his justification for keeping his pension:
"Dear Lord Myners
You telephoned me yesterday while I was shopping at Harrods and asked me to consider voluntarily taking a material reduction in my pension entitlement as a 'gesture' to acknowledge the level of Government support being made to Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) in order to deal with the car crash I oversaw.
You highlighted that the absence of such a gesture would give rise to significant adverse media comment. I myself couldn't give a monkey's arse about that as I have got £693,000 a year from all this adversity, and plan to spend most of my time on a beach in the Caribbean.
I have already outlined to you my view of the matter but given the complex and sensitive nature of this issue and the media interest, I have decided that shitting in this box and leaving it at the door of the Treasury would simplify things and make my decision clear to everyone once and for all.
I trust that this settles the matter. If you require further clarification, I am planning to have roast beef with all the trimmings for dinner tonight, so I could provide another substantial turd tomorrow if necessary.
Sir Fred Goodwin"