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Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Bankers to sleep with your wife and smoke your cigars

In an attempt to completely remove the concepts of decency and shame from their industry, the worlds top financial executives are to experiment with a more focused campaign of really fucking pissing you off.

Following the news that many of the senior bankers responsible for the current global economic turmoil shared billions in bonuses at the end of 2008, many analysts do not believe that it is possible for us to be any more irritated by the rich, incompetent, twats.

Not the type of people to shy from a challenge (unless that challenge is running a bank properly), the executives have convened a week long seminar in the Maldives to plan their annoyance strategy, which will be based around the following three themes:

1. Having sex with your spouse - the bankers will take a few cities or towns each and try to woo your husband or wife into bed. They will then wipe their private parts on your favourite t-shirt and have a post-coital piss over your car.

2. Using your stuff - in particular that box of fine Cuban cigars you've been saving for weddings. They will also be sitting in your armchair, drinking your most expensive booze, and mishandling your favourite albums.

3. Getting you arrested - just after shagging your loved one, they will take your credit card and enter the number into every dubious pornography site on the web and make donations to ETA, Al Quaeda, and the Real IRA.

BBC economics editor Robert Peston told us that this level of winding people up has never been attempted before and could have serious implications for the future of the financial sector.

"These bastards have taken us for ride so many times, but we always forgive and forget in time for the next downturn. If this plan is carried out successfully, we are going to be taking our hatred of them to the grave."

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