Britain's Dads overdoing it at swine flu parties

.This will save your child's life - but shorten your husband's

As swine flu fears sweep across Britain, nauseating middle class parents have found a new way to imagine they are yet again in control of another public health scare.

However, efforts by Britain's mums to look superior in the face of expert scientists advising against fads and bullshit ideas are being undermined by the nation's Dads hovering in the garden throughout and drinking too much beer in the garden.

A 'swine flu' party and barbecue in Wimbledon hosted by Ffion Sullivan on Sunday was derailed after Tom Davies, wife of Maria, brought a crate of Kronenbourg despite a no alcohol request. The men soon consumed the strong fizzy lager and spent the afternoon knocking plastic cricket balls over the fence and onto the salad table. Ffion's husband Andrew was "absolutely no help" according to attendees, and was too drunk to stop the sausages from burning.

Meanwhile, things took a more sinister turn in Newbury, Berkshire on Tuesday night. An early evening get together at Sarah and Jon Peters' to allow the ill children to mingle with the healthy ones led to a 7 hour bender after the men went to the pub early on in the evening with the excuse of needing to get more ice cream. Following 5 pints, the men finally returned to the Peters' home at 11:30pm and proceeded to drink all the wine, including that bottle that Sarah was saving for her birthday. A massive row ensued into the early hours with crying children, disturbed neighbours, and shame all round.

Professor Gary Richards of Leeds University cast doubts on the wisdom of swine flu parties. "The strain of flu will mutate in any case, so your kids getting ill now might not help and you're just spreading unwanted infections," he said. "And what's more, all the men will have to take the next day off sick with a hangover."
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Britons ask Queen for their can of cider back

.What the Queen takes from us every year...

The announcement that the Royal Family cost British taxpayers 69p each last year has sparked calls for a national low price booze rebate system.

Turps nudgers across the country have demanded that the money is returned so they can sit in a park on a sunny day drinking piss warm grog, whilst watching the world go by and possibly shouting at it. 69p is plenty to get a quick hit of cheap strong cider or lager.

Angry Jack, a trap from Tooting Common in south London, shared his outrage with us. "I don't pay fugging tax, but iz still my money!" he told us while vomiting into a bin near the adventure playground. "That ol' bitch has got me sauce, fugging give it back!!"

A bag lady in Edinburgh, who only gave her name as Adele, was equally keen to see the money returned. She communicated this by wailing and spinning round, before collapsing in tears and swearing at passers by.

Over in Llandudno, North Wales, unemployed father of four Tony Morgan said: "It's all very well the Queen saying she is good value for money. But she doesn't have to sit in front of the TV all day - and there is no better value than a bottle of Gaymers for 69p in Netto."

Graham Smith of the anti-monarchy campaign group, Republic, said the cost of the monarchy to Britain's terrible alcoholics was unjustified.

He said: "Once again, the powers that be are taking cans of cheap beer and cider out of the hands of the public. They are probably spending the money on Champagne and Cognac - money that could go much further on some good old rocketfuel from Londis."
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Just eat Big Macs say health experts

.This shit is still healthier than any salad....

The British public are celebrating this morning having been given the go ahead to live on burgers, chips, chocolate and blocks of lard.

Consumer group Which? have undone years of public health education in a single stroke by pointing out that vegetables smeared in gloopy fat based dressings are not much good for you. Most people on the street have taken this as confirming what they have always thought - namely, that salad is a bunch of arse.

As the news broke, lardarses could be seen leaving their homes and waddling to the nearest shops in order to stockpile pastry based foods. Scenes of jubilation have been reported at supermarkets as hordes of flabby bastards clear the aisles of fatty snacks.

Henry Davies, a 20 stone twat from Haringey, north London, said that the announcement had freed him from years of stress over his eating habits. "Basically, I'm been eating salads trying to lose weight, and now I hear it's been worse for me," he told us between doughnuts. "There was me sticking to a strict diet of half a kilo of egg mayonnaise a day with a lettuce leaf balanced on top, and I could have been eating whatever I wanted? It's a bloody outrage. Ooooh, nice filling."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8116933.stm
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Tories furious as Tory is elected new Commons Speaker

Conservative members of parliament were apoplectic last night as Conservative MP John Bercow was elected Speaker of the House of Commons. Senior Tories have accused the government of 'dirty tricks' by installing a Tory into the job.

After 2 Labour Speakers, the Conservative Party believed it was time for on of their own to hold parliament's top job, and many refused to applaud as Mr Bercow, a Conservative MP since 1997, was symbolically dragged to the Speaker's chair.

With ten candidates in the fray at the start, the final vote was between Sir George Young, a Tory MP, and Bercow. Many on the Conservative benches were visibly angry at having an all Tory shortlist to choose from.

One senior party grandee vented his spleen to The Stupid Times in Strangers' Bar after the final vote. "That little twerp has betrayed us, no two ways about it. When he believed in hanging and flogging and keeping Mandela in jail, he could have had my vote and lived in my house! Now he's gone soft, he'll never have my support. Left-wing turd."

Posh and rich old Etonian Tory leader David Cameron was apparently outraged that posh and rich old Etonian Sir George was defeated on the final ballot. A source close to Mr Cameron said: "This little oik went to a fucking comprehensive school for Christ's sake, and he never made it to Oxbridge. No silver spoon in any orifice. David wanted one of us in the chair, not someone who had made it on his own."

Meanwhile, Labour MPs were full of joy, having installed one of their opponents to preside over parliament. Reading MP Martin Salter, who ran Mr Bercow's campaign, denied that it was orchestrated to make trouble for a future Conservative government. "Of course not," he told us early this morning. "We just thought it would be funny."

Top Gear's The Stig revealed as twat

After years of anonymously testing high-performance cars on the popular BBC petrol head show, The Stig has been revealed as a complete and utter dickwad.

In last night's Top Gear the test driver, famous for his all white suit and helmet, whipped the crowd of middle aged men with small cocks into a pre-pubescent style frenzy as he prepared to reveal his true identity.

However, on removing his helmet, the TV audience were disappointed to see an ugly middle aged man who refused to accept the facts of climate change and local environmental damage from car exhausts.

Top Gear viewer Susan Jones, 28, was very disappointed. "I expected a young Hunk who could validate my bizarre excitement at watching this heap of shit," she told us while driving the 300 metres to her local Tesco. "But he was a right minger, and not at all exciting. Surely a man who drives a fast car should be better looking and clever?"

But Bob Davies, a 46 year old car enthusiast who fails to see the link between his daughter's asthma and the 3 lane road that runs past his house, said he was pleased with the revelation.

"At the end of the day, The Stig is a symbol of me and my kind. We are average looking, small-minded twats, who drive everywhere because we think that revving an engine makes us look cool. I'm glad he's one of us."

Max Mosley burns down Reichstag in attempt to keep F1 control

Embattled F1 bosses are taking drastic action to quell a rebellion amongst the teams and drivers responsible for much of its success.

The Federation for Automobile Zealots International (FAZI) Party and its charismatic but odd leader Max Mosley have begun a reign of terror to keep the F1 coalition together, including pogroms against Jewish shopkeepers in the Silverstone area, street-fights with the Communist Drivers Association, and a slightly confusing arson attack on the German Parliament.

Mosley has insisted that the FAZI response to the breakaway threat by Ferrari, McLaren, Red Bull, Toro Rosso, Toyota, Renault, Brawn and BMW Sauber is in no way influenced by his connections to and interest in far right politics.

"F1 will not have peace until the Jewish, sorry finance, question has been disposed of," he told the press from a podium in Nuremburg. "The championship has sufficient capacity for profit, but we must finally break away from the notion that a certain percentage of the Jewish people, sorry race teams, are intended to be the parasitic beneficiary of the body, and of the productive work, of other people in F1."

Meanwhile, the elderly F1 President Bernie Ecclestone appears powerless to resolve the crisis and is rumoured to be under huge pressure from all sides, leaving him confused and unaware of the machinations taking place.

Mosley briefly considered legal action to stop the walkout of the teams and drivers, but soon decided that cracking heads together is much more fun. His father Oswald Mosley, a British Nazi leader in WW2 and a likely puppet leader in the event of a German invasion, led mobs through London in the 1930s in an attempt to intimidate Jews and other opponents of his political views. However, it is not known if he had a gripe about motor racing cash.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hitler%27s_rise_to_power

New Commons Speaker to be chosen on reality TV show

With Michael Martin's time as Speaker of the House of Commons coming to an end on Sunday, MPs have settled on a way to update the process of electing his successor.

Following the controversy over expenses, Mr Martin announced he would resign on June 21st several weeks ago. Previously the Speaker was chosen through archaic methods such as voting and counting, but now members wish to bring the selection of their presiding officer into the 21st century.

A new primetime show called I'm an MP......get me in the Chair! will be aired on ITV1 on Sunday and Monday with the candidates for the job put through various tests at a camp in the New Forest. The public will vote off one MP every few hours by phone. Presented by Ant and Dec, the tasks will include drinking steaming hot bowls of horseshit, climbing up trees to get food rations, and eating animal genitals in an attempt to prove they are the best person for the job.

The final two candidates will have to strip down and take part in a naked mudwrestling contest on Monday evening to decide the eventual winner of parliament's most prestigious post.

Harriet Harman, Leader of the House and Chairman of the Modernisation Committee, denied that MPs were dumbing down the process. "We have to realise that people today are not switched on to politics and the democratic process, especially young people. We firmly belive that the sight of senior members of the house vying for the speakership by eating cows cocks and fighting eachother in a pit of filth will help us to reconnect with the electorate."

Duck charms its way into restaurant customers' mouths

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm...............

Diners at a Hampshire restaurant became so fond of a duck that lived in the garden, they have shot it, cooked it, and eaten it.

Ironically named Crispie, the duck was a regular attraction at The Mill in Lymington until a customer who was told they had run out of regular ducks took out his pistol, blew the creature's brains out and handed the waitress its carcass. "Fucking cook this cunt then," he is understood to have said.

Other guests immediately fell upon the corpse and ripped free their portion, with some demanding it was turned into a nice seared breast steak with a jus d'orange, some wanting it as Chinese pancakes and others wolfing it down raw.

Even the children who had previously delighted in the duck's playful antics were seen scurrying off with slivers of raw duck meat and ripping them apart like feral rats.

The Mill's owner Liz Cottingham said: "What can I say? People in this country love animals, so it was no surprise he became popular. But then, they like eating them even more. Who is going to choose looking at the bastard, when you could be eating it cooked rare with a delicious red wine sauce and a side serving of dauphinoise potatoes?"

Arnold Flemborn, a Professor of Anthropology at Cambridge University, concurred with Mrs Cottingham. "People in this country always go on about how much they love animals, right up until dinnertime. Then all bets are off, as we enter a carnival of killing and greed. That cute spring lamb you were cooing over this morning? Dead and on your plate. The sweet calf you fed at the farm? Dead and in the oven."

Raising a meat cleaver over a squealing piglet, Professor Flemborn ended his analysis on a positive note. "But look on the bright side. I'm having bacon for breakfast, sausages for lunch, and pork chops for tea. Thank you very much Babe."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/hampshire/8108319.stm

Joy in Ulster as prejudice shifts to Romanians

."Where's those fecking bricks then, Ian?"

40 years after the start of the troubles, 25 years since the bombing of Brighton and 11 years on from the Good Friday agreement, the people of Northern Ireland are today celebrating a milestone in the battle against sectarian hatred.

People from across the divide are uniting against a group of Romanians and holding street parties in celebration. As the immigrants windows are smashed in by their parents, Republican and Loyalist children can be seen playing together in the street, an unprecedented sight in this troubled land.

Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness, a former Republican terrorist said: "This is a totally shameful episode, but hey, look on the bright side. Me and old Ian Paisley went down and threw bricks at their houses together earlier. Who would have predicted that?"

Anna Lo of the Alliance Party and the only ethnic minority member of the Northern Ireland Assembly said that the Romanian families were "very frightened." However she was drowned out by First Minister Peter Robinson's impersonation of a Chinese waiter, which received praise and laughter from all sides of the chamber.
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Brown and Labour start polishing turd

.Gordon Brown's well polished government this morning

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown and his supporters are today getting down on their knees, rolling up their sleeves, and trying to extract a glossy shine from shit.

Following a series of Cabinet resignations, dire election results, a collapse in public confidence and Brown's ability to arse-up everything he touches, ministers who have not yet managed to unglue their noses from the prime ministerial ringpiece are hitting the airwaves to put a positive spin on what is, at best, a fucking disaster.

Cabinet Office Minister Liam Byrne, responsible for policy co-ordination, has been impressing the public with his ability to lie covincingly as he tours media outlets insisting all is well.

Meanwhile, a Cabinet reshuffle is underway, designed to help the PM demonstrate his people management skills. Latest reports suggest that Alistair Darling has barricaded himself in his office until Brown promises not to sack him. Also, leadership contender Alan Johnson has been sent to the political graveyard also known as the Home Office, a move that Downing Street insists is not designed to fuck up his career and reputation.
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MP retiring over taxpayer funded secret island

.No, Mr Viggers, I expect you to retire!
Image courtesy of Cairns Unlimited www.cairnsunlimited.com

A Tory MP is to leave parliament after admitting he claimed a £1.6 million "secret island" on expenses.

Sir Peter Viggers, whose world domination claims totalled £30 million is to quit at "the direct request of the chairman of SPECTRE" for bringing the terror organization into disrepute.

The island, which lies off the coast of an undisclosed landmass in an undisclosed sea, features an airport, barracks for heavily armed mercenaries, a weapons research facility and a fake volcano which Viggers sits in to stroke his white cat.

The evil genius has based his operations out of the Gosport constituency in Hampshire for much of the past 35 years, but decided to purchase the island in 2003 following investigations by the parliamentary authorities into his blatant piss-taking.

It is understood that the British counter-terrorism police, assisted by a handsome MI6 agent, are en route to the island. They will be politely asking Viggers to pay back the money he claimed from taxpayers to fund his crime empire.

In a statement, Sir Peter said: "The claims I made were in accordance with the rules. The fees office are fools. I offered my services, they refused. So did the police. Now they can both pay for their mistake."
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Speaker resigns on hearing Esther Rantzen plans

.She'll bite the bloody mace in half!

The Speaker of the House of Commons is today resigning, citing celebrity involvement in politics and "those fucking teeth" as the reasons.

After several days of intense pressure, Michael Martin had been holding firm in his intention to remain in office. But early on Tuesday he heard that Esther Rantzen, a faded TV personality and general sanctimonious pain in the arse, is planning on standing for parliament.

"Fuck that shit," he told the Stupid Times on hearing the news. "I'm not listening to her tabling early day motions about carrots shaped like cocks and using the Commons chamber to stage telethons. What's next? Graham Norton mincing up to the dispatch box to answer oral questions?"

"And the teeth. Sweet Jesus - she could bite clean through Erskine May with those. I'm well out of it."

Mr Martin is expected to announce his departure later today, precipitating a by-election for his Glasgow Springburn constituency. Candidates lining up to replace him are fat twat TV chef Antony Worrell-Thompson, plastic-titted model Jordan, and diminutive transvestite Jimmy Kranky.

The tearful by-election will take place live on Britain's Got No Fucking Hope next week.
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Round-up of of the best of the rest...

The Daily Mash leads with yet more on the MP expenses farce, in particular Elliot Morley "forgetting" that he had paid off his mortgage:

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/mp-becomes-first-ever-person-to-forget-he-had-paid-off-his-mortgage-200905141760/

NewsBiscuit.com has also jumped into the fray with this shock accusation from a member of the public: http://newsbiscuit.com/2009/05/14/politicians-all-as-bad-as-each-other-says-phone-in-caller/

Cabinet claimed expenses for new underpants

.Gordon didn't like the reaction to his YouTube broadcasts

Gordon Brown and his top ministers are under fire today as details of their expenses are published.

The most shocking revelation is that the Cabinet has been charging their underwear cleaning and replacement bills to the taxpayer. Following months of negative headlines, endless crises and public humiliation, the Cabinet have regularly been shitting their pants before breakfast, again during parliamentary questions, and at bedtime.

The end result has been the need to buy new knickers for government ministers and spend a small fortune on industrial cleaning for the undercrackers that survive.

Gordon Brown put through a claim of £6,000 for cleaning his y-fronts the week after the Northern Rock collapse, with Chancellor Alistair Darling claiming £800 for replacement grots. Health Secretary Alan Johnson spent £2,500 on 'skid removal' after the swine flu outbreak started, and Communities Secretary Hazel Blears issued a £200 claim for undergarments earlier this week.

The Conservatives have demanded a full inquiry into why the taxpayer is paying for the government's shitted shreddies. David Cameron issued the following statement:

"If I shit my pants, my butler and my maid lick the turds off the gusset and then wash them in a bucket using sand for detergent. Doesn't cost me or you a penny."
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Osborne leads UK 'least wanted' list

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Osborne and a friend laughing at some poor people yesterday

The names of some of the people the UK wants banned for being incredibly irritating have been published for the first time.

16 complete twats have been named by the Home Office. They include leading politicians, celebrities and that bloke who licks Chris Moyle's arse during the fat idiot's radio show.

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne is the most high-profile politician on the list, his squeaky voice, upper class disdain for the public, and air of arrogance given as reasons in the report. He is joined by deputy Labour leader and sanctimonious cow Harriet Harman, whose inability to relate to real people secures her a top spot.

The world of entertainment is represented by Moyles, his brown nosing assistant, and pointless celebrity couple Katie Price and Peter Andre. They were included for being so nauseating that a panel of Home Office researchers were forced to leave the room to vomit after watching their mind-numbing reality TV show.

Among other names on the list are fanny rat footballer Ashley Cole, serial fuck-up tennis player Tim Henman, and toothy billionaire bell end Richard Branson.
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Labour raises taxes on top hats and quails eggs

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Oh the humanity!

The government declared war on the rich yesterday by increasing the tax burden on many of their favourite purchases.

Top hats are set to have a new Posh Bastard Levy (PBL) introduced which will add 10% to the cost of the ruling classes' traditional headwear, on top of VAT. PBL will also be slapped on quails eggs, caviar, Moet et Chandon champagne, and sock garters.

Bentley and Rolls Royce cars will be hit with the new What's Wrong With A Fucking Volvo surcharge at purchase, equal to £1000 or 15% of the value, whichever the greater, although owners of older executive cars will be offered £2000 to trade them in for bikes and bus passes.

Chancellor Alistair Darling denied the Labour Party was reverting to its old hard left habits, and insisted that the budget plans would help Britain on the road to recovery.

"What we have here is a shit poor general population, that have been fucked over by a bunch of rich sods who all went to Eton or Harrow together. These are the people who can bankroll Labour into a fourth term. We are going to stick tax bills up their collective arse until they can pass them to accountants with their teeth!"
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Darling tries to skive off work on Budget day

Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling was this morning discovered sitting at the bottom of his wardrobe at Number 11 Downing Street on what will be one of the most difficult Budgets in recent history.

Mrs Darling woke up early to find him missing and assumed he had gone to work early. But she soon received a call for him from the Treasury and began looking around the house. After searching the offices downstairs, she heard the creak of the door and rushed upstairs to find a visibly nervous Chancellor shivering in his pyjamas.

After climbing out of the wardrobe complaining of sleepwalking, he then claimed to have a stomach ache, went back to bed and pulled the covers over his head. More calls from the Treasury and the Cabinet Office followed and he was forced to get in the shower. As he came down for breakfast he asked his wife to check his forehead for a temperature, but she announced it was fine. An argument ensued where she told him to "pull his fucking finger out" and get to work, to which he shouted, "well if I die it'll be your fault."

A grumpy and tearful Mr Darling was later seen stumbling down Whitehall towards the Treasury, angrily scraping his red box along the floor.

Police apologise for not giving Damian Green a kicking

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Green (centre) with some young Tories.
The kind of faces even a mother would like to slap.

The Metropolitan Police today said sorry to the people of Britain after arresting a Tory MP, talking to him for a while and then letting him go unharmed.

Following accusations that he colluded with a Home Office civil servant to leak classified information, Green was arrested in November 2008, detained for 9 hours and his offices were raided.

But after a five-month inquiry it was announced yesterday that the leaks were not damaging enough to bring any charges. However, there has been widespread shock that the Shadow Immigration Minister walked out of jail without so much as a scratch, and he confirmed to the Stupid Times that no violence was used.

"The fascist bastard boys in blue were actually very nice," he told us while rummaging through some bins on Whitehall. "They gave me a cup of tea, a comfy chair, and never came close to charging me for that crime I did."

On the streets, the anger was palpable. Tom Davies, a 37 year-old nurse from Ealing asked: "Let me get this straight? They arrested an MP, a Conservative MP, and they didn't fill him in, or even give him a broken arm? What a waste, what a tragic waste."

Pensioner Muriel Jones, 78, agreed: "They should have started with a swift kick in the bollocks, then some random punching, before finishing off by stamping on his head. Smug little shit!"
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Ferries resume as French fisherman fall asleep

Ferry services from Dover have resumed after French fishermen ended their blockade of Calais and Dunkirk ports by finally remembering to take an afternoon nap under a tree.

Thousands of British holidaymakers and hauliers trying to cross the Channel were on the verge of writing stern letters to their local MPs when the news came. It is not clear whether the offer of cash from the French government gave the fishermen an added incentive to doze off.

French fishing unions have been demanding that the government allow them to strip the sea of all remaining fish and destroy the fishing industries in neighbouring EU states. They have also been demanding the right to sleep all day on their boats while gigantic nets drag everything out of the sea except blue whales, submarines and Neptune himself.

Brown caught spraying obscenities on Conservative HQ

Prime Minister Gordon Brown was found last night writing obscene slogans outside the headquarters of the Conservative party, according to reports.

Number 10 has denied the accusation and insist that Mr Brown knew nothing about the details of the words and images he painted on the window at their Victoria Street offices.

The prime minister's official spokesman explained what he was doing up a ladder with a bag full of spray cans at 3am: "Mr Brown has always been a lover of left-field art, and he simply wanted to create his own version of it to help tourism in the Westminster area. He was really trying to do a Banksy style piece. The words he used simply try and reflect the modern world and youth culture. If they appear to form sentences, this is purely coincidental."

Cleaners are today trying to scrape off the words 'CAMERON IS A C*NT' and 'OSBORNE SUCKS COCK' along with cartoon images of the two engaged in a sexual act.