Police apologise for not giving Damian Green a kicking

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Green (centre) with some young Tories.
The kind of faces even a mother would like to slap.

The Metropolitan Police today said sorry to the people of Britain after arresting a Tory MP, talking to him for a while and then letting him go unharmed.

Following accusations that he colluded with a Home Office civil servant to leak classified information, Green was arrested in November 2008, detained for 9 hours and his offices were raided.

But after a five-month inquiry it was announced yesterday that the leaks were not damaging enough to bring any charges. However, there has been widespread shock that the Shadow Immigration Minister walked out of jail without so much as a scratch, and he confirmed to the Stupid Times that no violence was used.

"The fascist bastard boys in blue were actually very nice," he told us while rummaging through some bins on Whitehall. "They gave me a cup of tea, a comfy chair, and never came close to charging me for that crime I did."

On the streets, the anger was palpable. Tom Davies, a 37 year-old nurse from Ealing asked: "Let me get this straight? They arrested an MP, a Conservative MP, and they didn't fill him in, or even give him a broken arm? What a waste, what a tragic waste."

Pensioner Muriel Jones, 78, agreed: "They should have started with a swift kick in the bollocks, then some random punching, before finishing off by stamping on his head. Smug little shit!"
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