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Thursday, May 28, 2009

Susan Boyle thing 'getting really silly'

.We're all doomed, but at least Britain's Got Talent

With the news that film star Demi Moore is to fly in from the US to support Susan Boyle in the final of Britain's Got Talent, the world has accepted that things are getting out of hand.

In the week that North Korea pushed the world to the brink of nuclear war, the Taleban pushed Pakistan to the brink of anarchy, and more Tory MPs pushed some peasants out of the way to get to the trough, many are concerned that mindless TV is getting too much attention.

According to reports, former South African President and Nobel Laureate Nelson Mandela tried to get a spot on the show to publicise his AIDS foundation but was refused due to his lack of a Twitter account.

Boyle, who now lives in a mansion surrounded by armed guards, was unavailable for comment as her publicist was snorting a large line of coke off her arse when we called.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Obama Cheney faceoff in national security spelling bee

"Now spell MEGALOMANIA, Mr Cheney."

The closest President Barack Obama and former Vice President Dick Cheney came to direct competition in the past were attacks and rebuttals during the 2008 campaign.

But yesterday the long awaited clash of these two political titans took place in the form of a spelling bee at two separate locations in Washington, D.C. The mood of the contest was focused squarely on keeping America safe.

In an hour long challenge the two men faced each other via satellite link, Obama at the National Archives, Cheney at the American Enterprise Institute, and spelled out words selected by a panel of security experts.

Taking the first word was Cheney - former Vice President, Defense Secretary, Representative and White House Chief of Staff. When asked to spell HUBRIS he fluffed it with H-U-B-R-E-S, giving an early advantage to his opponent.

President Obama, a former Senator from Illinois, succeeded on his first challenge, correctly spelling H-E-A-L-I-N-G. He held the edge over Cheney for several rounds until the Wyoming GOP giant drew equal at the end of round 10.

For the tiebreakers, Cheney succeeded in spelling WATERBOARDING on the first attempt but Obama struggled with CLUSTERFUCK, asking to hear it in a sentence. "The Bush-Cheney administration was an excellent example of a CLUSTERFUCK in government," replied the panel, and then Obama gave the correct answer.

However, the final tiebreaker saw the contest go to the President. He confidently spelled out INTERROGATION and sat down sure of victory. Cheney was asked to spell HUMILITY and immediately lost his footing. Asking for a sentence, he was given "You sir, do not appear to have a single fucking shred of HUMILITY you crypto-fascist piece of shit."

Looking distraught, Cheney admitted defeat and sank into his chair.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

MP retiring over taxpayer funded secret island

.No, Mr Viggers, I expect you to retire!
Image courtesy of Cairns Unlimited

A Tory MP is to leave parliament after admitting he claimed a £1.6 million "secret island" on expenses.

Sir Peter Viggers, whose world domination claims totalled £30 million is to quit at "the direct request of the chairman of SPECTRE" for bringing the terror organization into disrepute.

The island, which lies off the coast of an undisclosed landmass in an undisclosed sea, features an airport, barracks for heavily armed mercenaries, a weapons research facility and a fake volcano which Viggers sits in to stroke his white cat.

The evil genius has based his operations out of the Gosport constituency in Hampshire for much of the past 35 years, but decided to purchase the island in 2003 following investigations by the parliamentary authorities into his blatant piss-taking.

It is understood that the British counter-terrorism police, assisted by a handsome MI6 agent, are en route to the island. They will be politely asking Viggers to pay back the money he claimed from taxpayers to fund his crime empire.

In a statement, Sir Peter said: "The claims I made were in accordance with the rules. The fees office are fools. I offered my services, they refused. So did the police. Now they can both pay for their mistake."

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Primate fossil is missing link between humans and bankers

The remains of a lemur-like creature with sharp teeth and a long rat-like tail have been unveiled by scientists in the United States.

The fossil, nicknamed ISA, is claimed to be a "missing link" between today's higher primates - monkeys, apes and humans - and our more primitive relatives - bankers, stockbrokers and hedge fund managers.

The team have recreated the lifestyle of the species, which included lending massive amounts of fruit and seeds to insects that could never hope to pay it back, drinking the sap of trees out of crystal goblets, and shitting on forest floor residents from a great height.

They have called it Fuckingus bastardus, to represent the unique place it held in pre-history and the most common term used to describe its modern day descendants.

Sir David Attenborough, who will present a BBC documentary on the discovery said: “This little fucker is going to show us how bankers evolved into the scum-sucking shitbags that destroyed the world economy. The money might be gone, but the link is no longer missing.”

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Speaker resigns on hearing Esther Rantzen plans

.She'll bite the bloody mace in half!

The Speaker of the House of Commons is today resigning, citing celebrity involvement in politics and "those fucking teeth" as the reasons.

After several days of intense pressure, Michael Martin had been holding firm in his intention to remain in office. But early on Tuesday he heard that Esther Rantzen, a faded TV personality and general sanctimonious pain in the arse, is planning on standing for parliament.

"Fuck that shit," he told the Stupid Times on hearing the news. "I'm not listening to her tabling early day motions about carrots shaped like cocks and using the Commons chamber to stage telethons. What's next? Graham Norton mincing up to the dispatch box to answer oral questions?"

"And the teeth. Sweet Jesus - she could bite clean through Erskine May with those. I'm well out of it."

Mr Martin is expected to announce his departure later today, precipitating a by-election for his Glasgow Springburn constituency. Candidates lining up to replace him are fat twat TV chef Antony Worrell-Thompson, plastic-titted model Jordan, and diminutive transvestite Jimmy Kranky.

The tearful by-election will take place live on Britain's Got No Fucking Hope next week.

Netanyahu agrees two war solution

."Two-state solution? You're a real comedian Mr Obama."

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has met President Obama at the White House and reconfirmed his commitment to an endless conflict with the Palestinians.

During their meeting in Washington, Mr Obama suggested the Israeli prime minister had a "historic opportunity to get a serious movement" on Palestinian statehood. Mr Netanyahu responded by saying that he "would rather drink a pint of dead sea filth" than live in peace.

Mr Netanyahu said Israel was ready to live "side by side" with Palestinians as long as they were ready for regular scraps, the odd slaughter and at least two full scale wars a year. Any agreement also depended on Palestinian acceptance of Israel's right to "kick the shit out of their houses daily", he added.

Palestinian negotiator Saeb Erekat and Hamas official Musher al-Masri agreed that peace in the West Bank or Gaza was a "fucking pipe dream", so perpetual war was probably the best thing to hope for.

Monday, May 18, 2009

California earthquake caused by Obama abortion speech

.A murderer yesterday

A wave of mid-western outrage hit southern California on Sunday, as President Obama set out a pragmatic and sensible approach to the abortion debate.

Measuring 4.7 on the right wing Richter scale, many liberal minded Californians were disturbed at 8.39pm by the rumbling, ranting, screaming and crying of conservative political commentators in Indiana, where Obama's speech took place, and across Montana, Kansas, Nebraska, Ohio and the Dakotas.

Calling for both sides in the debate to find common ground, the president reaffirmed his pro-choice credentials while talking up birth control and adoption as his favoured solutions.

Meanwhile, residents of Lennox in Los Angeles County reported hearing the voices of Rush Limbaugh and other nut jobs with microphones echoing through the floors of their homes. It is thought that the sound of their outrage travelled hundreds of miles through the Earth's crust to Lennox, in one of the most liberal counties in the nation.

Betty Willis, a baby-killing planned parenthood adviser and mother of 3, was having an early night of deviant, non-procreational sex with her husband of 20 years when Ann Coulter's disembodied voice interrupted them with a rant on how immigrants, gays and abortionists caused 9/11.

"It was awful," Betty told us. "It was like Coulter on the radio or TV, except we couldn't turn the fucking thing off."

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Round-up of of the best of the rest...

The Daily Mash leads with yet more on the MP expenses farce, in particular Elliot Morley "forgetting" that he had paid off his mortgage: has also jumped into the fray with this shock accusation from a member of the public:

Friday, May 8, 2009

Cabinet claimed expenses for new underpants

.Gordon didn't like the reaction to his YouTube broadcasts

Gordon Brown and his top ministers are under fire today as details of their expenses are published.

The most shocking revelation is that the Cabinet has been charging their underwear cleaning and replacement bills to the taxpayer. Following months of negative headlines, endless crises and public humiliation, the Cabinet have regularly been shitting their pants before breakfast, again during parliamentary questions, and at bedtime.

The end result has been the need to buy new knickers for government ministers and spend a small fortune on industrial cleaning for the undercrackers that survive.

Gordon Brown put through a claim of £6,000 for cleaning his y-fronts the week after the Northern Rock collapse, with Chancellor Alistair Darling claiming £800 for replacement grots. Health Secretary Alan Johnson spent £2,500 on 'skid removal' after the swine flu outbreak started, and Communities Secretary Hazel Blears issued a £200 claim for undergarments earlier this week.

The Conservatives have demanded a full inquiry into why the taxpayer is paying for the government's shitted shreddies. David Cameron issued the following statement:

"If I shit my pants, my butler and my maid lick the turds off the gusset and then wash them in a bucket using sand for detergent. Doesn't cost me or you a penny."

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Elizabeth Edwards breaks silence on John's hair

Former Senator Edwards comes out as a slaphead

The wife of former presidential hopeful John Edwards has revealed what many have long suspected - that her husband is as bald as a ball.

Speaking to chat show queen Oprah Winfrey, she was at times tearful and angry at being lied to for so many years. Mrs Edwards had believed that the lush brown mop was all his for years, but her illusions were shattered during his failed presidential campaign when she discovered his stash of toupees hidden on a campaign bus.

"When we got married, all I asked of John was no hairpieces," she said during the exclusive interview to air on Thursday. "When I found the syrups it was as if my whole world had come crashing down. The boyish charmer I married had turned into a bald weirdo."

Adding to his woes, Edwards is also under investigation by federal authorities. They are looking into $114,000 paid to the Shay's Box of Wigs store in Raleigh, North Carolina, during his presidential bid in 2007-8. Using money from a political action committee for personal vanity products is a crime. Edwards denies any wrongdoing.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Osborne leads UK 'least wanted' list

Osborne and a friend laughing at some poor people yesterday

The names of some of the people the UK wants banned for being incredibly irritating have been published for the first time.

16 complete twats have been named by the Home Office. They include leading politicians, celebrities and that bloke who licks Chris Moyle's arse during the fat idiot's radio show.

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne is the most high-profile politician on the list, his squeaky voice, upper class disdain for the public, and air of arrogance given as reasons in the report. He is joined by deputy Labour leader and sanctimonious cow Harriet Harman, whose inability to relate to real people secures her a top spot.

The world of entertainment is represented by Moyles, his brown nosing assistant, and pointless celebrity couple Katie Price and Peter Andre. They were included for being so nauseating that a panel of Home Office researchers were forced to leave the room to vomit after watching their mind-numbing reality TV show.

Among other names on the list are fanny rat footballer Ashley Cole, serial fuck-up tennis player Tim Henman, and toothy billionaire bell end Richard Branson.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Israel and Palestinians finally agree peace talks icebreaker

.A basketball game was considered too violent and open to cheating

After 61 years of statehood and decades of violence, Israel took a step towards normality today as a key dispute with the Palestinians was resolved.

Following secret talks held prior to the annual Independence Day holiday, Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak has revealed 'teach a talent' as the icebreaker for the first round of peace negotiations.

The fun game is played in pairs with 1 representative from the Israeli government and 1 from the Palestinian side teaching each other a skill or party trick. It is hoped that this simple act will dissolve hundreds of years of enmity between the two peoples. Hamas have been offered a spot at the talks, as long as they promise not to teach Prime Minister Netanyahu how to make pipe bombs.

Agreeing the warm-up was in itself a tough call. Several late night meetings dragged on til dawn as Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas refused to budge on using 'Back-2-Back drawing', and Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman demanded they play 'Pin the Tail on the Palestinian'. Barak, a leading moderate voice in the government, eventually stepped in and brokered the deal.

"I was certain it was possible to agree an energizer and certainly necessary to act with all our might to achieve this first step before I turn 70, which will be in three years, as I really did not want to be still talking about bloody team-building exercises then," he told us outside the BamerKaz team building center between Haifa and Tel Aviv, which will host the meetings.
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