Max Mosley burns down Reichstag in attempt to keep F1 control

Embattled F1 bosses are taking drastic action to quell a rebellion amongst the teams and drivers responsible for much of its success.

The Federation for Automobile Zealots International (FAZI) Party and its charismatic but odd leader Max Mosley have begun a reign of terror to keep the F1 coalition together, including pogroms against Jewish shopkeepers in the Silverstone area, street-fights with the Communist Drivers Association, and a slightly confusing arson attack on the German Parliament.

Mosley has insisted that the FAZI response to the breakaway threat by Ferrari, McLaren, Red Bull, Toro Rosso, Toyota, Renault, Brawn and BMW Sauber is in no way influenced by his connections to and interest in far right politics.

"F1 will not have peace until the Jewish, sorry finance, question has been disposed of," he told the press from a podium in Nuremburg. "The championship has sufficient capacity for profit, but we must finally break away from the notion that a certain percentage of the Jewish people, sorry race teams, are intended to be the parasitic beneficiary of the body, and of the productive work, of other people in F1."

Meanwhile, the elderly F1 President Bernie Ecclestone appears powerless to resolve the crisis and is rumoured to be under huge pressure from all sides, leaving him confused and unaware of the machinations taking place.

Mosley briefly considered legal action to stop the walkout of the teams and drivers, but soon decided that cracking heads together is much more fun. His father Oswald Mosley, a British Nazi leader in WW2 and a likely puppet leader in the event of a German invasion, led mobs through London in the 1930s in an attempt to intimidate Jews and other opponents of his political views. However, it is not known if he had a gripe about motor racing cash.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hitler%27s_rise_to_power

Green now a luxury as Obama unveils banking plans

The US government has announced a major reform of banking regulation to prevent future financial crises. Wall Street traders have today crapped their pants in response.

The overhaul will require big banks to put more money aside against future fuckups and to curb excessive theft and larceny.

Consumers will get a special agency to offer a noose or a cyanide pill when they realise they can't pay their mortgages and credit cards.

In outlining the reforms, President Barack Obama described them as the biggest smackdown on bankers since the 1930s.

"We are gonna kick your asses into a period of sustained economic growth. You motherfuckers laid this shit, and now we are gonna rub your faces in it," he said. "Greenback, dough, bread, notes - it's all gone."

The president then went into a nuanced and complex description on the sub-prime mortgage crisis, its root causes and potential legacy. The White House reporters responded with a barrage of questions about Malia and Sasha's sports prowess at school.

MP retiring over taxpayer funded secret island

.No, Mr Viggers, I expect you to retire!
Image courtesy of Cairns Unlimited www.cairnsunlimited.com

A Tory MP is to leave parliament after admitting he claimed a £1.6 million "secret island" on expenses.

Sir Peter Viggers, whose world domination claims totalled £30 million is to quit at "the direct request of the chairman of SPECTRE" for bringing the terror organization into disrepute.

The island, which lies off the coast of an undisclosed landmass in an undisclosed sea, features an airport, barracks for heavily armed mercenaries, a weapons research facility and a fake volcano which Viggers sits in to stroke his white cat.

The evil genius has based his operations out of the Gosport constituency in Hampshire for much of the past 35 years, but decided to purchase the island in 2003 following investigations by the parliamentary authorities into his blatant piss-taking.

It is understood that the British counter-terrorism police, assisted by a handsome MI6 agent, are en route to the island. They will be politely asking Viggers to pay back the money he claimed from taxpayers to fund his crime empire.

In a statement, Sir Peter said: "The claims I made were in accordance with the rules. The fees office are fools. I offered my services, they refused. So did the police. Now they can both pay for their mistake."
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Round-up of of the best of the rest...

The Daily Mash leads with yet more on the MP expenses farce, in particular Elliot Morley "forgetting" that he had paid off his mortgage:

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/politics-headlines/mp-becomes-first-ever-person-to-forget-he-had-paid-off-his-mortgage-200905141760/

NewsBiscuit.com has also jumped into the fray with this shock accusation from a member of the public: http://newsbiscuit.com/2009/05/14/politicians-all-as-bad-as-each-other-says-phone-in-caller/

Geithner's internship draws to a close

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"Hang on, little Timmy needs to go to the bathroom."

For 19-year-old student Timothy Geithner, his work experience placement at the U.S. Treasury was a dream come true.

In the 100 days since he arrived at 1500 Pennsylvania Avenue, Geithner has become a popular figure and his trademark squeaky voice was initially a welcome interruption to the sombre discussions of financial crisis.

Starting off in the mail room, within days the New York whizz kid’s mastery of the stimulus package impressed officials and he was increasing sought after for advice. But as the young economics major was given more responsibility, he began to upset the old hands in President Obama’s finance team, especially National Economic Council Director, Larry Summers.

“Larry has been mad as hell this last week and has made it clear that Geithner has to go,” a White House insider told us on condition of anonymity. “He’s convinced that the president is taking all his advice from a mail boy at the Treasury and cutting out the NEC. He’s even cooled his row with Paul Volcker to try and get the political initiative back into the White House.”

Concern over his rising influence is not limited to the executive branch of government. On Capitol Hill there have been calls for Geithner to go back to college early, or take an internship at state level. Representatives Connie Mack (R-FL) and Darrell Issa (R-CA) have issued a joint statement calling for him to ‘step down and grow up’.

Media stories have begun to circulate that Geithner is only being kept on because his father worked with Obama’s late mother in the 1980s, but there have been denied by the White House. The president called the rumors ‘hogwash’ at a recent press conference, and insisted they had only played together once or twice.

But in readiness for his return, his mother is busily spring cleaning Timothy’s room in Larchmont, New York. She told reporters outside their plush house that her son was always clever beyond his years. “He’s got a great brain, no mistake, but some people feel threatened by it – they always have.”

“I hope my Timmy stays at the Treasury for the rest of the semester, but if he comes home I’ll be waiting with open arms” she added.
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Labour raises taxes on top hats and quails eggs

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Oh the humanity!

The government declared war on the rich yesterday by increasing the tax burden on many of their favourite purchases.

Top hats are set to have a new Posh Bastard Levy (PBL) introduced which will add 10% to the cost of the ruling classes' traditional headwear, on top of VAT. PBL will also be slapped on quails eggs, caviar, Moet et Chandon champagne, and sock garters.

Bentley and Rolls Royce cars will be hit with the new What's Wrong With A Fucking Volvo surcharge at purchase, equal to £1000 or 15% of the value, whichever the greater, although owners of older executive cars will be offered £2000 to trade them in for bikes and bus passes.

Chancellor Alistair Darling denied the Labour Party was reverting to its old hard left habits, and insisted that the budget plans would help Britain on the road to recovery.

"What we have here is a shit poor general population, that have been fucked over by a bunch of rich sods who all went to Eton or Harrow together. These are the people who can bankroll Labour into a fourth term. We are going to stick tax bills up their collective arse until they can pass them to accountants with their teeth!"
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Darling tries to skive off work on Budget day

Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling was this morning discovered sitting at the bottom of his wardrobe at Number 11 Downing Street on what will be one of the most difficult Budgets in recent history.

Mrs Darling woke up early to find him missing and assumed he had gone to work early. But she soon received a call for him from the Treasury and began looking around the house. After searching the offices downstairs, she heard the creak of the door and rushed upstairs to find a visibly nervous Chancellor shivering in his pyjamas.

After climbing out of the wardrobe complaining of sleepwalking, he then claimed to have a stomach ache, went back to bed and pulled the covers over his head. More calls from the Treasury and the Cabinet Office followed and he was forced to get in the shower. As he came down for breakfast he asked his wife to check his forehead for a temperature, but she announced it was fine. An argument ensued where she told him to "pull his fucking finger out" and get to work, to which he shouted, "well if I die it'll be your fault."

A grumpy and tearful Mr Darling was later seen stumbling down Whitehall towards the Treasury, angrily scraping his red box along the floor.

Ferries resume as French fisherman fall asleep

Ferry services from Dover have resumed after French fishermen ended their blockade of Calais and Dunkirk ports by finally remembering to take an afternoon nap under a tree.

Thousands of British holidaymakers and hauliers trying to cross the Channel were on the verge of writing stern letters to their local MPs when the news came. It is not clear whether the offer of cash from the French government gave the fishermen an added incentive to doze off.

French fishing unions have been demanding that the government allow them to strip the sea of all remaining fish and destroy the fishing industries in neighbouring EU states. They have also been demanding the right to sleep all day on their boats while gigantic nets drag everything out of the sea except blue whales, submarines and Neptune himself.

Pirates demand end to stereotypes in exchange for hostage

Red Sea pirates in negotiations over an American hostage have agreed to his release - on condition that the media and the public stop imagining them with one leg and a parrot.

"We are not all called Long John this or Black beard that. My name is Colin, I still have both my legs and there's no sign of a bird of paradise hanging off me," their ringleader told us. "I certainly haven't got a bottle of rum, and nor would I be saying yo-ho-ho if I did. I'm a recovering alcoholic for your information, thank you very much."

The new breed of pirates terrorising the high seas are becoming increasingly annoyed with the stereotypes that persist of them as red faced sea dogs, dressed in tunics and drinking each other's piss. Pirating has a much more sophisticated profile these days according to Sebastian Simms, a former hedge fund manager who made the switch to piracy after losing his job last year.

He told us: "It's actually very relaxed and peaceful now. There are lots of finance workers joining the crew everyday, and you don't see any walking the plank or slitting of gizzards - times have moved on. Many see it as a career change opportunity with travel, tax free earnings and the odd bit of forced romance thrown in."

Meanwhile, US President Barack Obama is holding back from ordering the federal government to change their official view of piracy. Sasha and Malia are thought to be huge fans of Disney's Pirates of Caribbean films and he is not keen to shatter their image of wild, hairy men doing battle with 3 headed serpents on the edge of the world unless absolutely necessary.

Zuma bribes corrupt prosecutors to drop corruption charges

South Africa's president in waiting is celebrating today after the Director of Public Prosecutions found a large pile of cash in his briefcase.

Jacob Zuma, chairman of the ruling African National Congress party, has been facing graft charges over an arms deal in the 1990s, and was expected to stand trial in the next few months. However with elections looming that would install Mr Zuma as president, Mokotedi Mpshe now believes there was political interference in the accusations.

"I have come to the difficult conclusion that it is neither possible nor desirable for us to continue with the prosecution of Mr Zuma," Mr Mphse said. "The pile of cash that was left in my office has had no bearing on the decision, and the new jewellery my wife is enjoying so much is entirely coincidental."

He also denied that there has been any political pressure on him and his colleagues to make the charges go away. "There is absolutely no truth to the rumours of Mr Zuma promising us all new jobs in the postroom after he wins the election. Nor is it the case that he threatened to have my legs broken."

G20 hail big, vague promises

World leaders are celebrating today as they unveil a set of massive pledges that are unlikely to last beyond next week.

Following meetings in London, the Group of 20 leading industrial nations have agreed to pretend they will find 1 trillion dollars to help all countries tackle the global economic crisis, while actually racking up trade barriers and protecting their own.

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown was seen frottering himself frantically against the furniture after the talks, such was his excitement.

Speaking to reporters at Downing Street this morning, he explained why the negotiations were such a success.

"I met Barack Fucking Obama, how great is that? He came to my house, had breakfast, and he even put his arm round me. Best day of my life."

When challenged by reporters on the details of the deal, including the question of toxic debt and credit availability, Mr Brown was resolute.

"Who here has had a private meeting with President Obama? Come on raise your hands. None of you? Well I have, and he calls me Gordon. Yes, Gordon. Kiss my arse, the lot of you."

AIG want bonuses back to pay for staff party

.Let's drink to the bailout

AIG chiefs, under fire for paying executive bonuses despite a federal government bailout, have changed their minds having seen the quotes for the annual staff shindig.

At a recent Congressional hearing, AIG chairman, Edward Liddy told the board: "Mistakes were made at AIG on a scale that few could have imagined. The $165m paid out to our executives was supposed to go towards our staff night out. We had planned on hiring the Ty Warner Penthouse at the Four Seasons in downtown Manhattan, you know, nothing fancy."

A further inquiry into this alleged claim has revealed that although the American International Group had attempted to book out the $34,000 a night penthouse suite for an entire week, their offer was rejected by Four Seasons management on claims that their last staff night out resulted in a riotous fiasco that made the Oxford Bullingdon Club look like a bunch of little sissy girls.

A Four Seasons manager commented: "The A.I.G. members were all dressed in zoot suits and extinct peacock feathered hats. They ran up an extremely big bar bill ordering Diva Vodka, Hennessey and Cognac, some were even smoking ‘blunts’. They completely destroyed the entire suite. Whilst one member was bleaching the walls another was running around aimlessly trying to inflict as much damage as possible with a hand wash dispenser. They left it like they left the economy, then left with a bunch of supermodels."

President Obama has been reported by the BBC to be 'choked up with anger' over the issue but it is more likely that he was simply choked up with a common cold. "I’m absolutely furious with AIG for misleading the American people and misusing $170bn of Americans’ tax-payer’s money. America needs American business to work for the American people, not against it - forgive me, I’m choked up with anger here," stated Obama with the emotion of a playful dog intrigued by a fly.

A leak from the White House Press Office has revealed that the Democrats must appear to possess this anger emotion in order to convince the U.S. electorate that they have guts - guts that are filled with steak and freedom fries, not just vegetarian tofu.

AIG Chairman Liddy has led the retraction of bonuses by melting down the newly erected solid gold statue of himself posed as Patrick Bateman and donating the financial proceeds to a homeless shelter for former AIG executives down to their last million dollars.

by Kyle Cooper
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Bullet-proof designer suits head for world markets

.Do you get shot to the left or right sir?

The regular bullet-proof ballistic vest, favoured by riot squadrons and security services around the world for its tough reliability has received a super trendy new makeover.

What has been labelled as the Armani of armoured clothes has been created and designed by Miguel Caballero from none other than Bogota, Columbia.

Bogota, once considered one of the most violent cities in the world, has reduced its homicide and fatality rate per 100,000 people, and Caballero claims this new trend has more to do with him than the Colombian capital’s security police force.

"My new range of bullet-proof designer clothing has been essential to saving many, many lives throughout the Americas. Even if my clients are shot in the head they still look absolutely fabulous for the ensuing paparazzi frenzy that follows. I truly believe that I perform a greater service to mankind than any doctor on this earth. Fashion saves far more lives than doctors ever could."

"It is only the reasonably wealthy that are able to afford our products” continued Caballero. "Clients are usually presidents from volatile states such as Venezuela, cocaine dealers, and washed-up actors who can’t afford security personnel or disarm potential attackers with a simple karate-chop to the left elbow, like Steven Seagal."

He revealed that one special commission has come from the King of Thailand, who requested that a bullet-proof suit be created in his trademark pink colour.

"We can only hope for a Malay separatist to pick up a sniper rifle and get a clear shot at the king. After all, he’ll be sticking out like a cluster bomb fragment in a nursery. We’d even be willing to supply the rifle. From then on, Miguel Caballero will be a household name."

With a price tag ranging from $4000-8000US these items of clothing do not come cheap. "Our obvious target markets are the upper-echelons of down-trodden societies, such as Mexico and South Africa. The current conflict in the middle east therefore is opening up some pretty exciting prospects for us."

"My creative team have designed some fabulous new garments in traditional Arabic dress, all bullet-proof, of course. Trouble is I don’t think they’ll be able to afford them."

by Kyle Cooper
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Fat Duck reopens with brand new poison menu

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Your E. Coli salad - that will be £300 please sir

After two weeks closed and acres of negative headlines, Heston Blumenthal's world famous restaurant opened it's doors again today with a promise to make it's customers shit themselves inside out - or their money back.

With 12 new toilets installed and a dedicated ambulance team on call, celebrated chef Blumenthal is confident that his revamped food poisoning menu will attract a niche market of brainless rich people who want to experience something akin to giving birth from their arse after a meal.

Newly added dishes include salmonella ice cream, botulism porridge, and listeria sand stew are set to send diners running for the nearest toilet, bucket or hole in the ground just as soon as they have managed to wolf it down without blubbing.

The Stupid Times Runny Poo correspondent Harold Watko explained how the public will welcome the re-emergence of the restaurant:

"The Fat Duck attracts the most nauseating people in society so it is perhaps fitting that they will spend the next few weeks feeling nauseous. They have bankers, lawyers, politicians and a host of social climbers with more money than sense as their regular guests.

"In the midst of a recession normal people will overjoyed that these people are shelling out hundreds of pounds for the privilege of shooting brown water out of their anus for several hours and puking blood into next week."

We caught up with one visitor outside the Fat Duck as she was strapped onto a stretcher ready to be airlifted to hospital.

"Eeeeeuuuuuurrrrrggghhhhhh, euuuuugggggggiiiihhh," said 38 year old Felicity Spencer, as she projectile vomited green chunks across the car park. "It was...euuuggghhhh...delightful darling, fab...oh god, RRRRUUUUUEEEERRRRFFFFGGGHH...I'll defo be back next week, AAAAarrruuUUUuugghhhhh!"
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Shock in world markets as Madoff admits he knew what he was doing

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Investors are reeling from the announcement by investigators that fraudster Bernard Madoff understood the financial system and knew how to manipulate it.

In pleading guilty to the charges against him, Mr Madoff has proved that he spent most of his time in the office dealing with money matters rather than on the golf course or chasing women like his counterparts in other companies.

Leading Spanish, British and Japanese banks have losses of billions of dollars from the $50 billion fraud perpetrated by Madoff, but they aren’t too bothered as his proven ability to successfully work the markets for personal gain has restored their faith in the banking system.

A leading investor at fucked bank Merrill Lynch admitted to us that he had spent most of the last few years playing World of Warcraft and other games online or drinking in his private club before returning to the office each day to submit invented figures to his boss. “Me and the boys at work can’t believe it, this guy actually understood what all these numbers mean? I never got the hang of it in 30 years – how did he?”

Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson was full of praise, saying that Madoff's expertise in defrauding financial institutions over many years was a shining example of talent in a sea of shitty incompetence. “This is a man who knew how the financial system operated and we should thank him for that. Of course he broke the law according to some, but his achievements in economic awareness should not go unnoticed.”

Paulson, a former banker himself, went on. “That thing he did, using new money to pay interest on old investments that were worth nothing - that is some genius man. Why didn’t I think of that at Goldman Sachs?”
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Darling to marry horse to save economy from collapse

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Three cheers for Alistair and Louise!

Treasury officials are today making final arrangements for the wedding of Alistair Darling to a horse in a desperate attempt to avert financial catastrophe.

The extraordinary decision was taken after the beleaguered Chancellor read about a toddler being married off to a dog in eastern India in a bid to prevent his predicted death by a tiger.

Darling now believes engaging in a similar ritual with an attractive mare named Louise offers his only chance of saving the country from 10% employment and him being filled in whenever he sets foot outside his front door.

Speaking in front of stables in a secret location the Chancellor said:

“Nationalised banks, a ballooning national debt, a devalued currency, widespread bankruptcy and mass unemployment is a bad omen for our economy.

“The only way to reverse this is for me to wed and start sleeping with a horse, something that was confirmed by a clairvoyant Gordon and I met on a boy’s weekend in Margate.

“Some may say this is fucked up but I think it is a sign of good government returning to Downing Street and may yet save Gordon and I from retraining as blacksmiths.”

The plan was hatched just days after the Indian ceremony at a Hindu Temple in Jaipur where 18-month Sangula was forced to toddle down aisle after his parents had noticed the strange growth of a tooth.

This is considered a bad omen in the boy’s tribal community and village elders believed it would lead to him being killed in a tiger attack - a fate preventable, according to tradition, by marrying a dog.

The ceremony was conducted with all the rituals observed at traditional weddings including a dowry for the bride - the village bitch. The dog also sported two silver rings and a silver chain.

The Stupid Times spoke to the boy’s father, Mr Shilpur, who remained confident his son’s marriage would be a successful one.

However after being told of the losses incurred by RBS and Lloyds TSB and the lack of available credit for small businesses he was less positive about Darling’s chances of success.

“This horse may have a nice shiney coat and always be up for love making but it still may not be sufficient to save the British people from abject poverty. My advice is to get the mare pregnant and see if that stops the slide in the Stock Market.”

The Prime Minister cancelled his monthly press conference and was seen practicing his Best Man speech on all fours.

His wedding present is reported to be a cordoned off area of St James Park where Louise can graze and Darling can change the hay and prepare his budget with the help of the stable boys.
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Ex-RBS chief Goodwin sends government turd in post

.Sir Fred always liked to have the final turd

Sir Fred Goodwin has responded to the government's request that he give up or reduce his £16 million pension pot by defecating into a shoebox and hand delivering it to the Treasury.

Despite widespread condemnation and a personal plea from Financial Services Secretary Lord Myners, the former chief executive of the now fucked Royal Bank of Scotland conducted the dirty protest in full view of the media and even wiped his poo-stained hands on photographs of the Chancellor of the Exchequer and the Prime Minister.

In a shitted letter to Lord Myners that was at the bottom of the shoebox, the former RBS boss outlined his justification for keeping his pension:

"Dear Lord Myners

You telephoned me yesterday while I was shopping at Harrods and asked me to consider voluntarily taking a material reduction in my pension entitlement as a 'gesture' to acknowledge the level of Government support being made to Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) in order to deal with the car crash I oversaw.

You highlighted that the absence of such a gesture would give rise to significant adverse media comment. I myself couldn't give a monkey's arse about that as I have got £693,000 a year from all this adversity, and plan to spend most of my time on a beach in the Caribbean.

I have already outlined to you my view of the matter but given the complex and sensitive nature of this issue and the media interest, I have decided that shitting in this box and leaving it at the door of the Treasury would simplify things and make my decision clear to everyone once and for all.

I trust that this settles the matter. If you require further clarification, I am planning to have roast beef with all the trimmings for dinner tonight, so I could provide another substantial turd tomorrow if necessary.

Yours sincerely,

Sir Fred Goodwin"

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GOP announce plan to dump unemployed in volcanoes

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Who wants to sweep themselves under the rug?

The Republicans have slammed President Obama's multi-billion dollar stimulus package and have responded with their own money saving ideas to drag America out of the hole they dug.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, who gave the official GOP response to the President's state of the union speech, explained his plan to transport the unemployed from across the country and throw them into active volcanoes.

"Instead of creating jobs through government spending, what Congress should be creating is great big holes to hide things in," Jindal said. "All the smoke and magma from our volcanoes will incinerate or obscure the human evidence from years of us fucking up the country."

The Mayor of Vancouver in Washington State, which is near Mount St Helens, was upbeat about the idea. "Our town's economy is in deep shit," said Royce Pollard. "But all these people will need a last meal and maybe a beer before they get burnt alive to keep the unemployment statistics low. Well, here in Vancouver we would like to extend an all American welcome on their way under the rug."

The Republican rising star also set out his proposals for making the country safer by extending gun ownership to racoons, squirrels and grizzly bears. "This will not only make our trees and national parks safer but will provide jobs in weapons manufacturing, and also in training these animals how to use assault weapons."

Analysts have suggested that the Governor's speech was a carefully planned tactical move to prepare for his own presidential bid in 2012 or 2016. Either that or he has lost the plot and is trying to drive the party into a right-wing ditch to keep Rush Limbaugh happy.
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EU leaders put finance talks on hold for Jade Goody's wedding

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Berlusconi recounts his favourite racist comment that

Goody made about Shilpa Shetty on Celebrity Big Brother

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As world leaders gathered in Berlin at the weekend amid the worst economic crisis in history, there was only one thing on their minds.

The wedding of reality TV star and racist bully Jade Goody was top of the agenda on Sunday and Prime Minister Brown, President Sarkozy and Chancellor Merkel led the tributes to the woman who, in life and now in death, didn't actually fucking do anything.

Discussion over regulation for financial markets were postponed as the group watched Sky TV's live coverage of the wedding on Sunday afternoon and cheered and clapped when the groom, convicted thug Jack Tweedy, was driven to the church dressed in a bra and knickers.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was comforted by his Czech opposite number Mirek Topolanek when the emotion became too much for him as he watched terminally ill Goody's car arrive at Down Hall in Essex.

Only Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen was brave enough to question why everyone was weeping over a thick, talentless, racist.

"I don't mean to be cold, but what the feck are you eejits watching this shite for?" he asked, only to be shouted down and threatened by the leaders of the 3 Benelux countries in unison. Dutch PM Jan Peter Balkenende threw his pen at Cowen, leaving a small cut on his forehead, forcing him to sit down and tend to the wound.

Talks on finance and job creation resumed late last night, but only after a 6 hour debate on what kind or wedding present the EU should send. Western European nations led by Spain favoured a cutlery and crockery set, while Poland and other Eastern countries preferred a collection of paintings representing each member state.

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Mr Cowen was heard muttering about sending a 'turd in the post', but was quickly reprimanded by the chair.

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Obama on White House recruitment drive

.Obama preps his newest recruits for their first day

The Stupid Times can reveal President Obama has tripled the size of the White House staff in a attempt to single-handedly get the economy moving.

Under George W. Bush there were 50 full time staffers working day and night to ensure the Federal Government was bankrupt and the USA loathed around the World by the time he returned to Texas.

But in the space of four weeks Obama has already upped this number to 150, with the promise of more to come once the President had cleared out the garage and set up computers on his workbench.

Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, after a series of expletives, said:

“We have taken a leaf out of the British Chancellor’s book. He decided to reduce the national debt by paying off his credit card and now we are going to make some headway on the 4 million jobs we promised to create by having at least three people taking on the same role in the White House.

“Things have been working pretty well apart from there always being long queues outside the ladies toilets on the West Wing. The only real problems have been Clinton kicking off about having two Middle East Envoys and the VP sticking their noses into her business, and the pool cleaners exchanging blows over whose turn it was to clean the shallow end.”

Unsurprisingly the Republicans are highly critical of the increase in personnel, citing it as further evidence of Obama being ill-equipped to be President.

Karl Rove, the former chief strategist for Bush, said:

“How many people does Obama need to tell him the economy is screwed and Israel is always in the right?

"In the Bush White House we liked to have few staff and keep things nice and simple. George’s motto on policy was always ‘make it simple and then simplify it more before you speak to me'.

In my view any man who cannot see the benefits of giving large tax cuts to the rich as a means to help the poor clearly does not have the clarity of thought needed for the top job.”

Obama was not at the daily media briefing to comment and the three new press officers all denied reports the President was putting the three new aerobics teachers through their paces.
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