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Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Finance ministers from the G7 have pledged to clear their own credit cards in an attempt to turn around the worst recession since the time the Neanderthals over committed themselves on home improvement loans and were forced to go cap in hand to Cro-Magnon Man.
Money men from the US, Italy, France, UK, Germany, Japan and Canada announced the radical proposals after three days of clueless exchanges on how to tackle the financial crisis. The ministers are now confident that people around the world will follow their lead and start to pay-off their new 168 inch plasma TVs and third new kitchen of the year.
Alistair Darling, UK Chancellor of the Exchequer, said: “From small beginnings great things can be achieved. In Britain we presently have £50 trillion pounds of consumer debt but you will soon be able to chalk off £200 when I have stumped up for last month's fishing holiday. Bold steps such as these can only increase our chances of avoiding an economic slump. Presently those chances are in the 0% range.”
Darling however refused to comment on rumours that UK PM Gordon Brown had instructed all ministers holding credit card accounts with RBS and HBOS to tell their banks to go fuck themselves for any monies owed.
New US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner was happy to sign up to the new plan and expressed hope that similar brave initiatives would be forthcoming.
Mr Geithner said: “I am pleasantly surprised. I was told back in that all Europeans did at big conferences was wine and dine, put in place the arrangements for the next and ensure their expense accounts never saw the light of day. I am more than happy to clear my American Express card, just as soon as I have paid back all the outstanding taxes owed from having illegal immigrants draw up the bail-out plan.”
Some finance chiefs appeared less enthusiastic about the proposal. They are said to especially object to having to make their extensive credit card statements available to the public.
A source close to French finance minister Eric Woerth said: “Eric has been hitting the brothels a little hard recently. The French people do not mind their politicians having one on the house every so often, but they may be less impressed if he is using their taxes to dip his wick once a day.”
The office of the Japanese Finance Minister refused to comment on allegations his credit card statement showed several trips to the off license in the hours leading up to the meetings.
Shoichi Nakagawa, who appeared drunk during the opening meeting in Rome, squared up to our correspondent outside a bar near the Vatican in the early hours. "If you report this I'll knock your fucking teeth out," he slurred through a translator. "Right, I'm going to get a kebab."