UK house prices to ‘reflect actual value’

The head of Barclays Bank has warned that people may soon start buying and selling homes for what they are actually worth.

John Varley made the comments following the revelation that house prices were likely to fall by up to 30% over the next year, and the complete banker advised that all those dingy Victorian terraces in the southeast that we shelled out half a million quid on will then be worth a price that is within the realms of sanity.

Posh idiot and professional property pisser-abouter Kirstie Allsop choked on her caviar when she heard the news and was seen scurrying off in the direction of Kensington to try and convince stupid rich people that they should continue purchasing homes for an over-inflated sum and deck them out like Parisian boudoirs, before knocking them off with a hefty mark up to another stupid person with more money than sense.

Normal people however are simply trying to get by. John Davies, an unemployed gas fitter from Croydon, has just had his house taken away and faces a nightmarish Christmas. “The bastard in-laws have offered to put us up and the bloody wife said yes! I’d rather see my kids sleeping rough than spend 10 minutes with her fucking cow of a mother.”

Meanwhile, international investors' lack of confidence in the UK economy has seen the pound hitting new lows against the euro: last week one pound was worth ‘fuck all’, a drop from ‘piss all’ the previous week. Chief Secretary to the Treasury Yvette Cooper agreed that things were looking bad for the pound, but would not confirm reports that the government was planning to step in to shore it up.

“I think the public will agree that the real question is how much will champagne and lobsters cost on my Christmas holiday in the south of France? Last year a meal was the equivalent of £350 per head, is it now going to be more like £450? Someone needs to provide some answers and fast.”