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Friday, November 28, 2008

US Bank not on the brink of bankruptcy

Wall Street was last night reeling after the US Treasury announced they had found a bank that was not about to collapse. Speaking at a hastily convened press conference Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, a former bank CEO, said he was shocked to find a financial institution that did not require billions dollars of tax payer’s money to prevent it from going under and leaving tens of thousands of people unemployed. Paulson pledged to the American people that it would not be happening again:

“The Bush administration has worked very hard over the last eight years to destoy the banking system, leaving people like me to take money out of the pockets of hard working Amercian’s to bail them out. I think we all now want to know why this bank has chosen to oppose the Bush doctrine and not beg for money from the government.”

Government bail-outs have been a feature of the past four months, one of the most tumultuous periods in US economic history. A source from one of the bailed out banks said: “Having your own guy in charge of the Treasury means you can screw up as much as you want knowing that he is always there with the taxpayer to pick up the tab.” However, he did acknowledge that news of a financial institution that was actually solvent had created consternation and concern on Wall Street. “This bank has made the rest of us look like greedy incompetent assholes, which is just not the case. However, I am confident that this is a freak occurrence and there will be plenty more bankruptcies over the next few weeks.”

Before finishing the press conference Paulson had a parting shot against the rogue traders running the solvent bank. “They may feel pretty clever now, but soon they will realise that I will not be coming knocking at their door asking to buy all their worthless sub-prime mortgages and derivatives at double the market value.” At the White House the President was questioned about the significance of finding this solvent bank. He said: “I know that Cheney and I have been busting a gut to completely screw up the country. I will not allow this one bank to tarnish our reputation for supreme economic incompetence.”

1 comment:

  1. Stupid Times, once again your insights and conclusions are priceless. In a crisis like this, the global economy cannot afford priceless banks and prudent investment bankers. What on earth is the world coming to? We need more fat cats and greedy swine to totally clean out the banks, so that nothing will be left for bank robbers and ATM muggers. Prudent bankers should be hanged, traitors the lot of them! They keep us from our true destiny: banana republicanism and communism, which will rise like a phoenix, out of the ashes of failed capitalism. Oh, wait guys, hold that thought...I need to take my medication, and then have a liedown and a cookie...


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