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Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Republicans need to get fat, lose fat and play bass in time for 2012 says Huckabee

If the Republican Party wants to regain control of the government, former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee says GOP leaders must first learn the bass line to Johnny B Goode and hit the cheeseburgers.

"People will forgive you for being a little left or a little right, but they won't forgive you for sliding down the fretboard at the wrong moment during the lead guitar solo," he told the Stupid Times in between appearances on the promotional tour for his new book. "Politicians need to pile on the pounds as well. How can they understand the average American if they don’t spend a few years as a fat fuck that can barely get up the stairs without losing breath. I’ve been there, I feel their pain.”

Huckabee famously tipped the scales at nearly 300 pounds at the height of his obesity but slimmed down to a normal weight during his time as Arkansas governor. He is also an avid musician, playing the bass guitar in his band Capitol Offense. Following big losses in the 2008 elections, he is urging Republican leaders to follow his life story if they want to win again. Although his supporters have set up the ‘Eat for Mike’ campaign, he was tight lipped on his intentions.

“This isn’t about Mike Huckabee, this is about the Republican Party and what’s best for America. What we have now are Obama and Biden, who have always been thin and healthy and can’t understand what it’s like to have one of your buttocks resting on a stranger’s arm on a flight. They don’t know what it’s like having to actually look for your penis. They’re out of touch.”

Huckabee also offered some advice to the front-runner for the party’s nomination in four years. “Sarah Palin is a fine woman, and while she’s never been able to do the truffle shuffle, she’s had 5 children and knows what it is to be big. I keep seeing her holding a gun, which is great, but where’s the gee-tar? If she can’t play the REO Speedwagon bass runs by the time of the Iowa primary in 2012, she’s history.”

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