God trying to dissuade Palin from 2012 election bid

As the Republican Party licks its wounds following the crushing defeat in the presidential and congressional elections last week, they are facing a new chapter in their relationship with Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. The former vice-presidential nominee, who has been blamed for alienating independents and moderate Republicans with her brain dead, folksy style, is under pressure from The Almighty to rule herself out of the running in 2012. Palin was set on the GOP nomination in four years time but is now considering her options following the divine intervention.

In an interview with Fox News, she described the meeting with her Creator: "I'm like at home in Wasilla cooking up moose chilli and there’s this kinda huge booming voice and sudden apparition of a man with a big white beard on the wall, and I’m like OMG - its God! He starts to talk and I sorta sneak in with my question about 2012. I ask him darn it, if there is an open door for me somewhere, I'm like, don't let me miss the open door. Show me where the open door is."

Palin sadly did not get the answer she hoped for. “He was kinda rude and shouted at me – DON’T RUN IN 2012, IF YOU LOVE YOUR COUNTRY AND YOUR GOD DON’T RUN – and then disappeared. Which was, you know, even ruder, as I wanted to ask him what he thought of Bristol having a baby?”

After the visitation, the Governor sat down with her family and told them about her conversation with Him. “Todd’s like, you still gotta run, who does he think he is? And I’m like yeah, I’m a maverick, I’m in this for real America. So we all agree that’s what I’ll do. But later in bed He came to me again in my dreams, and is shouting the place up again – DON’T RUN YOU CRAZY BITCH OR I’LL SEND A PLAGUE TO ALASKA – so I guess he really means it. There’ll be a lotta folks awfully disappointed though, so I hope he’s ready for them filling up his post bag.”

Palin is not entirely put off by the word of the redeemer, however, and will be meeting religious leaders from across the country at the Republican Governors convention later this week. She will be taking soundings about running for a Senate seat, and whether a 2012 bid could still be on the cards. Some of her allies are floating the idea of ousting God as King of Heaven and are taking advice from St Peter, Jesus and that bloke with the boat over a more patriotic replacement.