Darling puts more annoying small change in British pockets and purses

Just when you thought you had disciplined yourself into putting all those 1 and 2 pence pieces in a jar that you'll never take to the bank, the Chancellor has undone all that hard work by giving you even more loose change.

Billed as the Pre-Budget Report that will help people across the board, the main provision seems to be a few pence off the price of a Mars Bar and other basic items. Analysts say that this will leave the nation with millions of pennies clogging up coin pockets, car dashboards, handbags and coffee tables. The Conservatives have called for an urgent debate and an investigation in into whether the world copper market can cope with the extra demand.

Across the country, checkout workers are preparing for the elderly and the unemployed spending even more precious minutes counting out the exact cost of their purchases while queues of people with jobs and places to go snake round corners. Supermarket bosses are planning to provide counting assistance to people who have no concept of time.

Some are overjoyed by the news however. Angry Jack of the Tramps and Bums Association said his members were looking forward to a very Merry Christmas. "Aaah got fuggall small change yezzerday, but zo farr diz morning ah gots four quids in pennieez" he told us on a London street, in between swigs from a shiny new can of Carlsberg Special Brew.

Other significant measures in the mini budget include a three month delay before you get kicked out of your house and a plan to increase taxes on the rich from 2011, which will be dropped after the Conservatives get into power.