Ineffectual award-winner Charles Windsor of Doughton, Gloucestershire will celebrate his 60th birthday today by taking a trip to town with his new free bus pass. Mr Windsor, an unemployed monarch, has held the UK’s ‘most useless person’ title for a record 56 consecutive years and is set for a double celebration today as he is expected to win the honour again at an awards ceremony tonight in Tetbury.
A guest list of similarly pointless people will be at the event cosying up to Charles, who has become a hero for the irrelevant, directionless and those who are surplus to requirements. His wife Camilla, a frequent winner in the ‘ladies waste of space’ category, will accompany him along with his son William, who Charles hopes will take over the title when a job finally comes his way.
Symbolically for a man who usually gets driven from his bed to the toilet in the middle of the night, he will use the bus to get the venue, and will walk up to collect the gong, instead of being carried as normal. There is also a chance that he might squeeze his own fucking toothpaste onto the brush before bed.