New series of I’m a Celebrity calming recession fears

As the Bank of England announces the official arrival of the economic downturn, analysts are pinning their hopes on the latest run of the mindless reality TV show to bolster confidence in the markets and raise national morale.

Workers at London’s stock exchange cheered as the line-up for 'I'm a Celebrity...get me out of here' was released and shares surged by 10% in the hours afterwards. Troops fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq laid down their weapons and embraced their colleagues on hearing the news.

The Prime Minister hailed the new series as the beginning of the recovery and praised ITV for its selfless commitment to public service broadcasting in these times of economic strife.

“The sight of Robert Kilroy-Silk, Esther Rantzen and a succession of other pointless nobodies crawling through piles of insects and drinking Kangaroo spunk can only be good for us as we face the most serious challenges of our era,” Mr Brown said in the House of Commons.

“In the Second World War the British people had Churchill’s soaring oratory, strong communities and the Dunkirk spirit to get them through. Now we will have Joe Cole’s fiance in a bikini flirting with that bloke out of Blue to unify the nation. Together we can make Britain great again.”