Cameron squabbling with Brown over Obama's arsehole

A row broke out in the British parliament yesterday between the prime minister and the leader of the opposition over who will go first inserting their tongue into US President-Elect Barack Obama's ringpiece.

As world leaders rush to share some of the glitz and glamour of the momentous election result, Gordon Brown and David Cameron are hoping that some good old-fashioned brown nosing will help some of Obama's stardust shake off onto them. Answering questions in the House of Commons, Brown cited convention in his bid to bagsy the presidential poo chute. "When Ronald Reagan won the election in 1980, Mrs Thatcher wanted the first lick of his doughnut, and Michael Foot sat back and let her go. John Major was allowed the first sniff of Bill Clinton's crack in 1992, and John Smith made no fuss whatsoever. Similarly, Tony Blair flew straight to Washington in 2000 to give George W. Bush's crevice a spit and polish, and William Hague accepted that he would have to wait his turn."

Responding, Mr Cameron attacked the prime minister and insisted that the new president would be more appreciative of his bottom cleaning skills. "The public knows that as a former PR man, I have extensive experience of licking people's tailpipes. To quote the prime minister, this is no time for a novice. Now will he stand aside and let me get to Senator Obama's shit slit first?"

Meanwhile in the USA, senior Republicans have been trading blows over who will get the first run at kicking George W. Bush and Dick Cheney's teeth in. John McCain is the obvious choice, but he must fight off 20 odd ex-members of the House and at least 5 outgoing senators for the privilege.