Panic takes hold as the USA votes for intelligence and reason

The rural and suburban areas of the United States are in lockdown today amid mounting chaos following the election victory of Barack Obama and the Democratic Party. Republican voters took to the streets and began rioting as they struggled to come to terms with a thoughtful President and Congress that are threatening to take a measured approach to domestic and international issues.

The military have declared a curfew and martial law in an attempt to stem the unrest but small town conservatives, religious nuts, and billionaire oil executives are beginning to take control of ‘Real America’. Across the country, mobs of bitter men and women are standing around in town squares clinging to guns and religion, while chanting “USA, USA, USA” and questioning the patriotism of passers by.

President-Elect Obama has offered to meet with the leaders of the revolt to look at both sides of the problem, discuss a list of possible solutions, carefully gauge the mood round the table and then form a compromise based on the evidence. His offer was roundly dismissed by the self appointed leader of the gun-toting rebels, Clancy Lynch from Montgomery, Alabama.

Mr Lynch, an unemployed tumbleweed merchant, explained his concerns. “For the past eight years we’ve been blessed with a president who doesn’t ask too many questions, goes to bed early and leaves vice-president Cheney and big business to take an aggressive, short-sighted and knee-jerk approach to government. Now all the signs point to a rational Commander in Chief who will spend every waking moment wrestling with policy matters and consult Congress in order to create the best possible solution for everyone. That’s not the America we love, and that’s not an America we want to be a part of.”

Fair-minded and well-balanced citizens are being urged to remain in the cities and avoid approaching people that do not appear elitist or godless. Police will be setting up roadblocks around urban areas to keep out hicks, yokels and Sarah Palin.

President Bush will be woken up at 1900 EST to address the nation about the crisis live on television. He will then meet with his top advisors at the bowling alley in the White House basement to attempt a few strikes, and possibly even a turkey.