Fat people poised to destroy Australia's crops

As Australian farmers battle with dust, drought, and locusts, a new enemy is taking them on: fat people.

As the agriculture sector struggles to stay afloat in the face of increasing water shortages and attacks from pests, the nation's rising obesity epidemic is threatening to decimate food sources across the country.

Swarms of the lard-arsed bastards are sweeping across already drought-affected areas and feasting on whatever they can get their chubby hands on. In western New South Wales, near the country town of Condobolin, a swarm of salad-dodgers measuring four miles long by 560 feet wide (the group not the individuals) was spotted last week eating everything in sight.

The state's primary industries minister, Ian Macdonald, said that many snag scoffers and tucker rustlers, would gradually get tired as they lose the will to move around following their massive feast.

Mr Macdonald sought to reassure farmers, saying there was no need to panic. "We are monitoring the situation," he said. "It's important to realise that most of the state's crops have been harvested, so the fat bastards can't get near them without tearing down grain silos or hijacking food trucks. We've ordered the army to shoot on sight if this happens."

People across the country have also been advised to keep their pies and chips under lock and key, and call the police if any big people start staring at their donuts and licking their lips.