Darling to marry horse to save economy from collapse

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Three cheers for Alistair and Louise!

Treasury officials are today making final arrangements for the wedding of Alistair Darling to a horse in a desperate attempt to avert financial catastrophe.

The extraordinary decision was taken after the beleaguered Chancellor read about a toddler being married off to a dog in eastern India in a bid to prevent his predicted death by a tiger.

Darling now believes engaging in a similar ritual with an attractive mare named Louise offers his only chance of saving the country from 10% employment and him being filled in whenever he sets foot outside his front door.

Speaking in front of stables in a secret location the Chancellor said:

“Nationalised banks, a ballooning national debt, a devalued currency, widespread bankruptcy and mass unemployment is a bad omen for our economy.

“The only way to reverse this is for me to wed and start sleeping with a horse, something that was confirmed by a clairvoyant Gordon and I met on a boy’s weekend in Margate.

“Some may say this is fucked up but I think it is a sign of good government returning to Downing Street and may yet save Gordon and I from retraining as blacksmiths.”

The plan was hatched just days after the Indian ceremony at a Hindu Temple in Jaipur where 18-month Sangula was forced to toddle down aisle after his parents had noticed the strange growth of a tooth.

This is considered a bad omen in the boy’s tribal community and village elders believed it would lead to him being killed in a tiger attack - a fate preventable, according to tradition, by marrying a dog.

The ceremony was conducted with all the rituals observed at traditional weddings including a dowry for the bride - the village bitch. The dog also sported two silver rings and a silver chain.

The Stupid Times spoke to the boy’s father, Mr Shilpur, who remained confident his son’s marriage would be a successful one.

However after being told of the losses incurred by RBS and Lloyds TSB and the lack of available credit for small businesses he was less positive about Darling’s chances of success.

“This horse may have a nice shiney coat and always be up for love making but it still may not be sufficient to save the British people from abject poverty. My advice is to get the mare pregnant and see if that stops the slide in the Stock Market.”

The Prime Minister cancelled his monthly press conference and was seen practicing his Best Man speech on all fours.

His wedding present is reported to be a cordoned off area of St James Park where Louise can graze and Darling can change the hay and prepare his budget with the help of the stable boys.
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Ex-RBS chief Goodwin sends government turd in post

.Sir Fred always liked to have the final turd

Sir Fred Goodwin has responded to the government's request that he give up or reduce his £16 million pension pot by defecating into a shoebox and hand delivering it to the Treasury.

Despite widespread condemnation and a personal plea from Financial Services Secretary Lord Myners, the former chief executive of the now fucked Royal Bank of Scotland conducted the dirty protest in full view of the media and even wiped his poo-stained hands on photographs of the Chancellor of the Exchequer and the Prime Minister.

In a shitted letter to Lord Myners that was at the bottom of the shoebox, the former RBS boss outlined his justification for keeping his pension:

"Dear Lord Myners

You telephoned me yesterday while I was shopping at Harrods and asked me to consider voluntarily taking a material reduction in my pension entitlement as a 'gesture' to acknowledge the level of Government support being made to Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) in order to deal with the car crash I oversaw.

You highlighted that the absence of such a gesture would give rise to significant adverse media comment. I myself couldn't give a monkey's arse about that as I have got £693,000 a year from all this adversity, and plan to spend most of my time on a beach in the Caribbean.

I have already outlined to you my view of the matter but given the complex and sensitive nature of this issue and the media interest, I have decided that shitting in this box and leaving it at the door of the Treasury would simplify things and make my decision clear to everyone once and for all.

I trust that this settles the matter. If you require further clarification, I am planning to have roast beef with all the trimmings for dinner tonight, so I could provide another substantial turd tomorrow if necessary.

Yours sincerely,

Sir Fred Goodwin"

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GOP announce plan to dump unemployed in volcanoes

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Who wants to sweep themselves under the rug?

The Republicans have slammed President Obama's multi-billion dollar stimulus package and have responded with their own money saving ideas to drag America out of the hole they dug.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, who gave the official GOP response to the President's state of the union speech, explained his plan to transport the unemployed from across the country and throw them into active volcanoes.

"Instead of creating jobs through government spending, what Congress should be creating is great big holes to hide things in," Jindal said. "All the smoke and magma from our volcanoes will incinerate or obscure the human evidence from years of us fucking up the country."

The Mayor of Vancouver in Washington State, which is near Mount St Helens, was upbeat about the idea. "Our town's economy is in deep shit," said Royce Pollard. "But all these people will need a last meal and maybe a beer before they get burnt alive to keep the unemployment statistics low. Well, here in Vancouver we would like to extend an all American welcome on their way under the rug."

The Republican rising star also set out his proposals for making the country safer by extending gun ownership to racoons, squirrels and grizzly bears. "This will not only make our trees and national parks safer but will provide jobs in weapons manufacturing, and also in training these animals how to use assault weapons."

Analysts have suggested that the Governor's speech was a carefully planned tactical move to prepare for his own presidential bid in 2012 or 2016. Either that or he has lost the plot and is trying to drive the party into a right-wing ditch to keep Rush Limbaugh happy.
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House Speaker has massive stimulus during Obama's speech to Congress

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We need a babysitter

The Speaker of the House of Representatives has come under heavy fire after being caught ‘twittering’ on how much she would like to get her hands on the President’s guns and buns.

Nancy Pelosi was spotted using her Blackberry to post salacious comments about Obama’s physique throughout his address to a joint session of Congress on Tuesday night.

While VP Joe Biden looked on, the randy top House Democrat next to him was seen to be drooling at the tightness of the President’s slacks and his rippling biceps.

A senior Senator who wished to remain anonymous said:

“First of all I don’t know how the fuck she managed to do any twittering due to the fact she spent most of her time leaping to her feet and clapping like mad each time Obama made it to the end of a sentence.

“Most of us assumed this staggering display of brown-nosing was due to her attempting to soften her image of being the ‘Wicked Witch of the Left.’

“However, having read this smut it is now clear the standing ovations were more directed towards getting the President to sign her tits just as soon as Michelle had cleared off home to catch the end of ‘Desperate Housewives’.

Pelosi has today gone to ground and her twitterings removed from her internet. She is said to be highly embarrassed by her actions and has vowed to never again try to use her booty as a means to impress the President.

Spokeswoman Jenna Jameson said:

“Nancy just got very hot under the collar and carried away with the moment. She wrongly thought she was reflecting the views of the nation when she typed that she would like a piece of his pork barrel spending."

Pelosi was not the only figure on Capitol Hill to get caught out using the new social networking site. Texas Republican Congressman Mike Burgess posted that he ‘could not give a shit what the President was saying’ as long as he didn't challenge his right to shoot at Mexicans who wandered onto his land.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton candidly told the online community she did not buy her husband’s explanation that the two large packs of cigars he had bought were for a boy’s poker night.

And Senator Claire McCaskill repeatedly typed she was dying for a piss and was desperate for the President to shut-up so she could get on the toilet and release the pressure. She was later spotted wearing a different coloured skirt, prompting speculation the Missouri Democrat had not managed to stay the course.
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Terminator to ride to the rescue of California

.You could never accuse Arnie of being camp

The Stupid Times can exclusively reveal Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to revive his role as the Terminator in a desperate attempt to balance California’s books.

After 46 straight hours of debate state legislators finally passed a budget last week that will halve the deficit of $40 billion by June 2010. But the Governor has now pledged to donate his fee for ‘Terminator 4 – Gay Love Behind Bars’ and a cut of the box office takings to prevent further public sector workers across the state getting the boot.

The plot is yet to be confirmed but is rumoured to involve John Connor being sent to the slammer after being identified as a key player in the Bernard Madoff fraud. The Terminator is then sent back through time to work as a prison guard and ensure John never escapes, only for the two to fall in love and elope to San Francisco.

Schwarzenegger has taken unpaid leave from the Governor's mansion for the next two months to learn his eight lines for the film, find a steroids dealer and get beefed up at the gym.

Speaking at Venice Beach after a lengthy workout he said:

“Up until this moment my main achievement as Governor has been to convert my hummer to run on grapes. I am really excited at the prospect of the Terminator riding to the rescue of the people of California

“I admit the plot is a little far fetched but you just have to look at our politics to see nothing really makes sense anymore.

“This budget saw Republicans voting for tax rises and Democrats voting to cut spending. If you can accept this then I think the premise of John Connor and the Terminator becoming an item is perfectly plausible.

“The name of the game is to make a lot of money by producing an absolutely ridiculous film, something for which I have a genuine expertise.”

Filming is due to start in the next few weeks but there are reports of a possible delay with Schwarzenegger wanting his character to be more pro-environment than in previous films. Ideas being circulated are for the Terminator to ride his bike at a set speed to maximise fuel efficiency and for him to always shut himself down at bedtime rather than leaving himself on stand-by all night.
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Public ‘favour religious values’ - for everyone else

.Who's coming dogging then?

A survey of people in the UK has discovered that a majority want society to operate on strict moral codes based on the major religions, just so long as they don’t have to follow them.

The Stupid Times interviewed 20 random people in a central London pub. Our questions revealed 60% were in favour of churches having greater influence on the government - as long as they could ignore everything they say. However, the 40% that had consumed 5 pints or more wanted the country to be run by their best fucking mates.

Tina Jeffs, a 30 year old solicitor from Dulwich on her third gin and tonic was in the 60%. “Something has to be done, the world’s gone mad hasn’t it? All these kids having kids, and people disrespecting authority. I think it’s time for a return to good old fashioned family values.”

We asked Jeffs if she would feel comfortable following religious teaching to the letter herself. “Of course, of course,” she replied. “Well, except when it comes to sex, especially pornography, wanking, dogging and anal. No, I couldn’t give them up. Or contraception – I don’t want any smelly kids running around my new house.”

Alan Webber, a roofer from Lewisham finishing his second pint had similar views. “I read the Sun every day and I’m bloody terrified of the outside world. It seems that the only option is some Victorian moral order to keep people down. Having said that, I don’t want them disrupting my illegal bare knuckle boxing club. It’s the one thing that keeps me from beating the wife.”

The Roman Catholic Archbishop of Westminster, Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, praised the survey as evidence that people were still prepared to submit themselves to years of crushing guilt and furtive fumbling, before spending eternity in the depths of hell atoning for their sins.

He said: “The church of St Peter is a church of strict penalties but also forgiveness. It’s true that we are strict with young couples who want to avoid unwanted pregnancies, but then we are very keen to forgive mad priests who shag the choirboys. But if I’m honest, as long as people come to bloody church once a week, they can think and do whatever they want. It’s all about bums on seats my friend, bums on seats.”
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TV channels want Guantanamo detainee to save their bacon

. Two very good reasons to keep Guantanamo Bay open

Channel 4 and ITV have been strongly criticised after submitting lucrative offers to Binyam Mohamed to appear on Big Brother and I’m a Celebrity Get Me out of Here.

Both stations want the former Guantanamo detainee to appear on their shows later this year in an attempt to boost flagging ratings.

But the director of human rights pressure group Liberty, Shami Chakrabarti, slammed producers saying it was completely unacceptable to submit Mr Mohamed to the mental torture of communicating with Ant and Dec on a daily basis.

Ms Chakrabarti said:

“Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire. Mr Mohamed may see this as a means to make some quick money but I would advise him to think twice before subjecting himself to such an ordeal.

“As well as those two Geordie twats he will have to put up with a couple of nobodies from EastEnders or Emmerdale and some bird with big jugs going on all day about how fat she looks in her g-string.

“Big Brother is not much better. The odds there are he would be housed with a one-legged transvestite, an asian dwarf with a gigantic todger and some guy call Glen from Chelmsford with five pairs of white trainers.”

Channel 4 and ITV defended their actions, saying it was an excellent opportunity for the ex-Gitmo inmate to see at first hand the depths the nation had sunk to for its entertainment since he had been incarcerated.

Mr Mohamed refused to comment on the offer, saying he was entirely focused on readjusting to life in Britain after seven years of brutal torture at the hands of the Americans. He is presently staying in a two-up two-down in Bracknell, has just signed up for pre-season nets at the local cricket club and is a member of an internet dating site targeted at people whose lives had been fucked up by Dick Cheney.

Carers are working to slowly reintroduce him into the realities in of life in Britain. They are yet to show him a copy of the Daily Express and break the news that Richard and Judy no longer front up This Morning.

Nursing Assistant Joan Dogweed told the press that on arrival at his new home Mr Mohamed had immediately questioned her on whether the king and queen of daytime TV were still together.

She told us: “From what he said it appears that Guantanamo Bay was split into two camps, those who thought Richard and Judy would go the distance and those that believed he would one day find a piece of hot young crumpet and bugger-off.

“Mr Mohamed was a believer in their love and so will be pleased they are still happily married. However I will wait a bit before telling him they now operate from some internet porn channel.”
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University Challenge viewers in shock as posh students win posh students' quiz

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Paxman's wet dream at rest

University Challenge broke new ground yesterday as a group of toffs from Corpus Christi College, Oxford University won the final, thrashing some oiks from Manchester by 85 points.

Following weeks of questions so difficult and obscure that even Stephen Hawking would get up and walk off, Latin Scholar and overall annoyingly clever person Gail Trimble led her team to success against the odds.

"It's amazing," a breathless Trimble told the Stupid Times after the final, on her way to do some more study. "Who ever would have imagined that a privately educated rich girl like me who likes to read classical poetry in my spare time instead of drinking and fucking would ever get this far in life?"

"I think it is a testament to this country that a humble public school-girl from Surrey can get to Oxford, win University Challenge, and then return to normality by digesting the complete works of Ovid before going to bed alone."

Jeremy Paxman who hosts the quiz, would not confirm or deny reports that he had a massive erection throughout the final as the sultry Oxford postgraduate fired answer after answer to the ridiculously difficult questions at him.

A spokesman for the BBC said: "Jeremy has the utmost respect for Miss Trimble and he always admires women with great intelligence. The tumescence or otherwise of his member during the show is a private matter."

Praise for Miss Trimble has come from diverse quarters. Old Etonian Tory leader David Cameron was joined by Old Etonian Mayor of London Boris Johnson in praising her victory. In a joint statement they said: "For too long, being wealthy and privileged has been a disadvantage in this country. I hope that we members of the ruling classes can now operate on a level playing field - preferably at Eton."

However, on the streets of towns up and down England, people seemed disinterested in the show and Miss Trimble's success.

Henry Jones, a gardener from Wigan, wasn't aware of the win. "I don't watch that shit. Even Who Wants To Be A Millionaire makes my brain bleed. Golden Balls is more my kind of thing."

Devon dinner lady Barbara Davies was more forthright. "They're a posh shower of bastards. If I didn't have to work for the minimum wage and raise 4 kids, I might have the time and money to tease out the intricacies of Ariadne's Lament by Catullus. But I FUCKING DON'T, alright?"
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EU leaders put finance talks on hold for Jade Goody's wedding

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Berlusconi recounts his favourite racist comment that

Goody made about Shilpa Shetty on Celebrity Big Brother

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As world leaders gathered in Berlin at the weekend amid the worst economic crisis in history, there was only one thing on their minds.

The wedding of reality TV star and racist bully Jade Goody was top of the agenda on Sunday and Prime Minister Brown, President Sarkozy and Chancellor Merkel led the tributes to the woman who, in life and now in death, didn't actually fucking do anything.

Discussion over regulation for financial markets were postponed as the group watched Sky TV's live coverage of the wedding on Sunday afternoon and cheered and clapped when the groom, convicted thug Jack Tweedy, was driven to the church dressed in a bra and knickers.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was comforted by his Czech opposite number Mirek Topolanek when the emotion became too much for him as he watched terminally ill Goody's car arrive at Down Hall in Essex.

Only Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen was brave enough to question why everyone was weeping over a thick, talentless, racist.

"I don't mean to be cold, but what the feck are you eejits watching this shite for?" he asked, only to be shouted down and threatened by the leaders of the 3 Benelux countries in unison. Dutch PM Jan Peter Balkenende threw his pen at Cowen, leaving a small cut on his forehead, forcing him to sit down and tend to the wound.

Talks on finance and job creation resumed late last night, but only after a 6 hour debate on what kind or wedding present the EU should send. Western European nations led by Spain favoured a cutlery and crockery set, while Poland and other Eastern countries preferred a collection of paintings representing each member state.

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Mr Cowen was heard muttering about sending a 'turd in the post', but was quickly reprimanded by the chair.

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George W Bush accepts best actor Oscar

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George W Bush last night gave an emotional winning speech as he picked up the Best Actor award for his performance in 2001-2009 as an incompetent, bumbling president who took the USA into a disastrous war and to the brink of economic collapse.

Fighting back tears, he thanked his wife Laura, God and the people of America for "bravely electing me twice." Bush was not the only winner for the 2001-2009 presidency, and those who supported his performance were also recognised. Academy Awards also went to General David Petraeus for Best Visual Effects and Karl Rove for Best Sound Editing. 2001-2009 also won the best picture award.

There was some consternation however as Dick Cheney failed to pick up the Best Director prize, despite being considered the true architect of 2001-2009. That prize went to Rick Davis for his work on the comedy hit, McCain-Palin 2008.

"Now who's the idiot," asked Bush to rapturous applause during his speech. "This all started a long time ago, and what a way to end it, gee. Some people have criticised my performance as president, they said it was too much like a caricature. Well tonight they have their answer. Thank you, and God Bless you all."

Bush began his acting career back in the 1970s when he carefully crafted the character of a useless oil man continually getting bailed out by his daddy's friends. The 1980s saw him excel at playing a drunk, boorish, rich guy with little focus in life. But it was the 1990s when his career took off. His work as a clueless Texan governor in 1995-2000 earned him a nomination at the Golden Globes, and paved the way for last night's win.

The Stupid Times' entertainment reporter Harold Watko was at the ceremony and gave his analysis of the award. "Essentially, this Oscar has put Bush up there with the greats. Not since Herbert Hoover won for Financial Collapse 1929-1933 or Richard Nixon for Impeachment '74 has anyone been so convincing as a bad president. Sadly Bush has insisted that 2001-2009 was his last role, so fans hoping for more will be left disappointed."

Other big winners of the night were Sarah Palin, who won Best Supporting Actress for her role as a naive and incompetent vice-presidential nominee in McCain-Palin 2008, and Hillary Clinton, who took the Best Actress gong for her role as a brave new female politician battling against the establishment in Democratic Primaries 2008.
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Primary school education needs more tinkering from non-teachers

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The nation’s teachers should be told to stop doing what they think they’ve been told to do, and start doing what they’ve been told not to do as soon as someone tells them what they should be doing.

Primary schools up and down the UK are failing children by trying to teach them to read and write, a new report says. Attempts to ensure that kids can add up and write a simple sentence are distracting from a more broad-based arts education that will help them to become over-aspiring Media Studies graduates according to Professor Robin Alexander of Cambridge University.

“Books should be burned, man” he told us after taking a hit from a badly made can bong. “The children should spend the day doing expressive dance and crawling under desks to find their true selves. Instead of lunch in the main hall, they should be allowed to go outside and forage from the trees, the beautiful trees.”

In addition, Prof Alexander wishes to reorganise the hugely bureaucratic curriculum into a simplified form of bureaucratic nonsense. His report recommends over-arching “areas of learning” such as talking bollocks, cowering in the corner, disputing every word, and weeing on the floor. Meanwhile, geography and history will be renamed “place and time”, with science and technology becoming “fish and chips”.

Schools Secretary Ed Balls defended the government’s policy and pledged to carry on teaching children to read and write.

He said: “I accept that some of our testing may have been a tad draconian. Forcing that infant school to hold 18 hour exams without breaks was a mistake and we learned from it, but we can’t ignore the results. The children that didn’t die of malnutrition are now able to multiply 37 by 79 without pausing for breath, and can spell anti-disestablishment areas without blubbing.”

Teachers unions were taking the latest ideas for completely re-ordering their profession with a pinch of salt. Helen Evans, a branch organiser for the NUT in south London, gave Prof Alexander short shrift in her local pub after school.

“That twat should come down to my school and try teaching 30 vermin with no concept of right or wrong. If I can get through the day without being stabbed and they learn a few new words, that’s good enough for me.”
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Men not taking polygamy seriously enough says bloody woman

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Men in politics, the media and the wider public are not prepared to discuss the issue of polygamy without making childish jokes, a leading Conservative peer has told the Stupid Times.

Baroness Warsi, shadow minister for community cohesion, said it was time men took the issue seriously and stopped cracking gags about threesomes, sore cocks, and endless nagging. Only then would society be able to tackle the problem in a mature and grown up way.

The Tory rising star said men of all ages, races and faiths, had been united for years in mocking the issue.

“The fact that a man might have 6 wives does not necessarily mean that he will get 6 times as much sex, 6 times as much financial pressure, or 6 times as much grief from ‘er indoors,” she told us at a press conference. “Men need to realise that polygamy is often a grave situation for all involved and not something that should be sniggered at when I’m not looking.”

Tory leader David Cameron spoke at the event in support of Baroness Warsi. However, he was unable to continue the speech after his accidental use of the phrase “male members need to be more visible” caused rapturous laughter from the men in the crowd and caused Mr Cameron to almost piss himself laughing.

We went out onto the streets of London to garner views and found a roughly equal split among the capital’s men folk.

David James, a solicitor from Balham, was forthright in his opinion of polygamy. “Fuck that shit” he told us, “I’ve already got one wife I hate. She’s bankrupted and broken me with constant demands for home improvement and holidays. Why would I want twice the misery?”

But Ben Thomas, a builder from Enfield, was more positive. “Oh yeah! Bring it on. I’ll have wife 1 for breakfast, wife 2 for lunch, wife 3 for tea, and then we’ll have a big dirty Ben sandwich before lights out. Me and my knob can’t wait!”
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Tabloids elevate outrage level to red following Qatada compensation

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An artist's impression of the red mist that desdended over

Richard Littlejohn's eyes when he heard about Abu Qatada

Staff at the Daily Mail, the Daily Express, the Sun and several other UK newspapers are currently having apoplexy over the £2,500 award to a radical cleric for his incarceration by the government.

UK authorities are currently preparing to deport Muslim firebrand preacher Abu Qatada to Jordan, despite concerns that Saudi Arabia would do a much better job of torturing him. Qatada has been in prison or under house arrest since 2002, and the deportation ruling had pushed morale amongst firebrand right wing commentators to an all time high, and the outrage level to a record low.

However, the European Court of Human Rights stepped in and gave the cleric the cash because the long detention without trial had "breached his human rights." The outrage level was immediately pushed back up, and hit red by mid-morning.

Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre shat his pants when he heard the news and was forced to spend the rest of the day wearing a dress borrowed from his secretary. Sun political editor George Pascoe-Watson's head exploded and showered colleagues with pellets of spite, while his lifeless body attempted to throw itself out of the window.

Richard Littlejohn, usually the first to comment whenever anything happens that could be easily blamed on immigrants, was strangely silent for much of the morning. He was later found rocking back and forth in a London alley, repeating his trademark phrase "you couldn't make it up" over and over again as he stared up, shaking his fist at the sky.

Melanie Phillips was the most composed of Britain's outrage professionals. She immediately penned a story detailing how the legalisation of homosexuality in 1967 had directly led to the Abu Qatada case. However, she soon began foaming at the mouth and was led away by the men in white coats shortly afterwards.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said she was "very disappointed" by the Court's decision, but was pleased that it had distracted attention from the fact she is using tax payers money to buy scatter cushions.

"What we have here is a man who plotted to do something or other and sort of did some stuff and emailed some bloke in another country," she told reporters outside the Croydon branch of Ikea. "But the real issue is which of these cushions will match the sofa in my sister's house best? Are we talking the black and white stripes, or the purple swirl? I wish the bloody European Court would make a judgement on that. I've been dithering for hours."
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Obama on White House recruitment drive

.Obama preps his newest recruits for their first day

The Stupid Times can reveal President Obama has tripled the size of the White House staff in a attempt to single-handedly get the economy moving.

Under George W. Bush there were 50 full time staffers working day and night to ensure the Federal Government was bankrupt and the USA loathed around the World by the time he returned to Texas.

But in the space of four weeks Obama has already upped this number to 150, with the promise of more to come once the President had cleared out the garage and set up computers on his workbench.

Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, after a series of expletives, said:

“We have taken a leaf out of the British Chancellor’s book. He decided to reduce the national debt by paying off his credit card and now we are going to make some headway on the 4 million jobs we promised to create by having at least three people taking on the same role in the White House.

“Things have been working pretty well apart from there always being long queues outside the ladies toilets on the West Wing. The only real problems have been Clinton kicking off about having two Middle East Envoys and the VP sticking their noses into her business, and the pool cleaners exchanging blows over whose turn it was to clean the shallow end.”

Unsurprisingly the Republicans are highly critical of the increase in personnel, citing it as further evidence of Obama being ill-equipped to be President.

Karl Rove, the former chief strategist for Bush, said:

“How many people does Obama need to tell him the economy is screwed and Israel is always in the right?

"In the Bush White House we liked to have few staff and keep things nice and simple. George’s motto on policy was always ‘make it simple and then simplify it more before you speak to me'.

In my view any man who cannot see the benefits of giving large tax cuts to the rich as a means to help the poor clearly does not have the clarity of thought needed for the top job.”

Obama was not at the daily media briefing to comment and the three new press officers all denied reports the President was putting the three new aerobics teachers through their paces.
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Mandelson and Starbucks chief in street fight

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Mandy threatens more shit on his way out of jail

Lord Mandelson has been arrested following a public brawl with the Chairman of the Starbucks coffee empire after he questioned the state of the British economy.

At a New York diplomatic cocktail party, the UK Business Secretary accused Howard Schultz of being “a no good motherfucker” and told him to stop “disrespecting” Britain's prospects of financial recovery.

Mr Shultz had earlier told the business TV channel CNBC that the UK was “not worth a bucket of fresh shit” and that the government “should go back to momma before they all start crying like babies.”

According to witnesses, the fight started during a party hosted by the British consul-general after Schultz refused to retract his comments. Mandelson smashed his glass at the Starbucks supremo’s feet and threw a round house kick at him, breaking his nose. Caught off guard, Schultz sprang back, parried Mandelson across the room, twisted to deflect a sucker punch and then pushed him face first into the buffet, scattering canapés and petit fours over the floor.

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Despite attempts from party guests to stop the fight, the UK’s top commerce official refused to calm down. He got up and shouted “STARBUCKS CAN KISS MY BIG WHITE ASS”, grappled Schultz through the door and out on to the street with the fired-up party guests in tow.

By this time, both men had lost their jackets and ties, and were bleeding heavily from their wounds. The opponents paced up and down, squaring up to each other and growling like animals while a baying crowd looked on.

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Mandelson stripped to the waist, flexed his muscles and launched into an expletive laden tirade on the subject of Starbucks’ profit/loss figures. Just as Schultz was about to launch another flurry of punches, the police arrived and the crowd scattered, leaving the two antagonists to face the music in jail.

Mandelson was unapologetic as he was bailed out by the consul-general later that night. “That fucker can stick his shit coffee up his ass,” he said, sneering at the waiting press. “I’m coming back, Schultz, make no mistake, I’m coming to get you.”
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Tories promise more power to busybodies and curtain twitchers

.Change? We refuse to believe in it.

That woman over the road who monitors your family's behaviour could be given new powers to make your life a living hell, according to new local government plans announced by the Conservatives.

New proposals to take powers from central and regional government and give it to local councillors will be published today. David Cameron wants a "fundamental shift of power and money" to retired colonels, eccentric loners, people with too much time on their hands, and septuagenarian women called Marjory or Doris.

Government targets to make sure that councils actually do something productive will be replaced by mandates to give out free tea and scones, and 90% of council budgets will be expected to go towards Britain in Bloom competitions.

In addition, you can forget that modest conservatory you've been saving up to build for 2 years. What should be a routine planning application, rubber stamped by a lowly council officer, will now be turned into a 6 month internecine battle of local moral crusaders versus outsiders wanting to destroy the character of the village.

Conservative Local Government Spokesman Caroline Spelman denied that the UK's town halls would be turned into social clubs for well-off retirees who will use all the available resources to persecute people who actually work for a living.

"These plans will bring common sense back to towns and villages up and down the land. If a local dentist wants to fit new modern windows on their surgery, it's up to the local community if they want to shun them like they would shun a paedophile. If local young people are being forced to move out of an area because of a lack of affordable housing, why should the government upset Mrs Dawson at No. 73 by building a couple of new cheap homes down her street."

Councillor Keith Strange, Chairman of Hartbury Parish Council in Buckinghamshire was ecstatic at the news. Rubbing his hands with glee, he told us what he would do with the new powers.

"That bloke who lives on the corner has always given my wife the eye. I'll slap a ASBO on him and then I'll shave a few feet off his garden with a bus stop. After that, I'll dedicate the rest of the council budget to make sure nothing ever, ever changes, ever, ever, EVER!!"

"Unless I want it to of course" he added with a wink.
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G7 finance chiefs vow to slash the plastic

.No more expensive voice coaching for Secretary Geithner

Finance ministers from the G7 have pledged to clear their own credit cards in an attempt to turn around the worst recession since the time the Neanderthals over committed themselves on home improvement loans and were forced to go cap in hand to Cro-Magnon Man.

Money men from the US, Italy, France, UK, Germany, Japan and Canada announced the radical proposals after three days of clueless exchanges on how to tackle the financial crisis. The ministers are now confident that people around the world will follow their lead and start to pay-off their new 168 inch plasma TVs and third new kitchen of the year.

Alistair Darling, UK Chancellor of the Exchequer, said: “From small beginnings great things can be achieved. In Britain we presently have £50 trillion pounds of consumer debt but you will soon be able to chalk off £200 when I have stumped up for last month's fishing holiday. Bold steps such as these can only increase our chances of avoiding an economic slump. Presently those chances are in the 0% range.”

Darling however refused to comment on rumours that UK PM Gordon Brown had instructed all ministers holding credit card accounts with RBS and HBOS to tell their banks to go fuck themselves for any monies owed.

New US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner was happy to sign up to the new plan and expressed hope that similar brave initiatives would be forthcoming.

Mr Geithner said: “I am pleasantly surprised. I was told back in that all Europeans did at big conferences was wine and dine, put in place the arrangements for the next and ensure their expense accounts never saw the light of day. I am more than happy to clear my American Express card, just as soon as I have paid back all the outstanding taxes owed from having illegal immigrants draw up the bail-out plan.”

Some finance chiefs appeared less enthusiastic about the proposal. They are said to especially object to having to make their extensive credit card statements available to the public.

A source close to French finance minister Eric Woerth said: “Eric has been hitting the brothels a little hard recently. The French people do not mind their politicians having one on the house every so often, but they may be less impressed if he is using their taxes to dip his wick once a day.”

The office of the Japanese Finance Minister refused to comment on allegations his credit card statement showed several trips to the off license in the hours leading up to the meetings.

Shoichi Nakagawa, who appeared drunk during the opening meeting in Rome, squared up to our correspondent outside a bar near the Vatican in the early hours. "If you report this I'll knock your fucking teeth out," he slurred through a translator. "Right, I'm going to get a kebab."
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Obama shooting hoops to bring world peace

.
Pres. Obama tries to find Sec. Clinton for a pass

The Stupid Times has learned the new Obama administration is to move diplomatic meetings out of the Oval Office and onto his new White House basketball court.

The President sees shooting hoops with foreign leaders as providing further evidence to the American people that he will be bringing true change to Washington.

He is now planning to mark the opening of his court, built below the West Wing, with a round robin tournament containing five groups; the Americas, Europe, The Commies, the Sub Continent and the Middle East.

The US have already been installed as warm favourites with the Chinese and Japanese not expected to figure due to them having only two players over five foot.

After holding a free throw competition with the press, Obama said: “Let's be frank, do you think World leaders would prefer to be bored shitless at the G20 meeting in London in April or come back to my house for some game time.

“With the global recession spiralling out of control I feel a little basketball will both lift the spirits of beleaguered governments around the world and provide some cracking entertainment for both sporting and political fans.

“Who doesn’t want to see if I can take Putin to the hole and dunk it in his face?

“I also hear that Gordon Brown is a sharp shooter from down-town. If he gets on a three-point run and the Miliband boys work the boards they may be a difficult team to beat.”

The White House has rejected claims that putting Iran, Iraq, Israel, Palestine and an All-Star Al Qaeda Five in the same group could spark riots back in the Middle East.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said: “We have been trying and failing to move the Middle East peace process forward for decades. Maybe a couple of games of basketball could finally provide us with the breakthrough.

“It's also safe to say we will all be interested to see what kind of team Al Qaeda will put out. President Obama has promised immunity from prosecution to ensure they send their best guys and a US v Al Qaeda semi-final would be the sporting event of the century.”

European participation in the tournament has been confirmed with hoops and backboards being erected in 10 Downing Street, the Elysee Palace and the Reichstag.

Gordon Brown could barely conceal his excitement on hearing the UK had been drawn against France in the tournament opener.

“That midget Sarkosy took the piss out of my cut in VAT and now he is going to have me in his face and watch Lord Mandelson hit nothing but net for 60 minutes.”
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Shit satellites crash and cause shit

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Get out of the fucking way!

Diplomatic relations between the USA and Russia are severely strained with neither side willing to admit liability for a collision that wrote off two satellites Thursday.

The space smash occurred when the American probe came whizzing round a sharp bend and ploughed into the back of the Russian satellite sitting 500 miles above Siberia. Scientists in the East and West are now locked in heated exchanges that will ultimately lead to one party being forced to give up their no claims bonus.

Nasa spokesman John Yembrick said: “After the Challenger went down in 1987 our insurance premiums rocketed. We finally get our payments down to a reasonable level, admittedly only with third party fire and theft cover, and then this happens.

“With the commies continuing to have these pieces of crap floating round the atmosphere it's an accident waiting to happen. We admit our guy was travelling a little fast but everyone could see the Russian satellite was dangerously out of control and swerving all over the place. It's their responsibility to keep their vehicles on the straight and narrow.

“I will be fucked if I am going to AIG cap in hand for a pay-out, especially as they will be a little short of cash with bonus season coming up.”

However the Stupid Times have learned that Roscosmos, the Russian civilian space agency, are disputing the Yanks version of events and are refusing to invade and loot Georgia to pay for the space pile-up.

Spokesman Alexsandr Vorobyev said:

“Just like their liquor and their women the Americans cannot control their spaceships. As any man in Soho or San Fransisco will tell you, if you get hit hard from behind it is the other guy’s fault. The fact our guys controlling things down on Earth had just consumed three bottles of vodka at the time of the crash is beside the point. As long as you keep it under four you will pass any breathalyzer test in Russia. The good news is that a large American pay-out may mean we will not have to turn off the gas to the Ukraine again until next winter.”
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Prince Harry to be told truth about black and white minstrel show

.A proud British man reads about his favourite Prince

There is a day in all our lives when things change. We get that dream job , we meet a special person, or learn something new. For Britain's Prince Harry, that day is today.

At around 1pm he will settle down to lunch with his beloved grandfather Prince Phillip and they will, as is usual for their meetings, put on a tape of the infamous Black and White Minstrel Show. This racially dubious TV program, which was hugely popular in the 1970s but really isn't appropriate now, is a favourite of the two royals and they put it on whenever the Queen or Prince Charles are out.

However, instead of laughing and joking and pulling faces to imitate the hapless characters, Prince Phillip has been instructed to explain to Harry for the first time that the men with the black faces aren't really black, and that this sort of thing just isn't acceptable in the modern world.

For years Harry has built his world view around the show and has been involved in a string of gaffes that have prompted the world to ask if he is a racist. At a comedy show last year he asked the comedian Stephen K. Amos why he was talking in a posh accent and why he wasn't singing in a comedic wail and playing the banjo on a deckchair.

The Stupid Times' royal correspondent, Nicholas Witchhunt, has known Harry since he was a small boy and believes that the shock and embarrassment from the revelation will be painful for the whole family.

"Harry has in effect been assuming that millions of people in the UK are cast members of the Minstrel show. If he's in a Pakistani restaurant he demands the waiters do a song and dance routine. When meeting black footballers he often gets out his hanky and rubs it on their faces to help with the shine. He has got a lot to learn, and fast."

However, Harry's superiors in the Army are not overly concerned about his chances of rehabilitating himself. A spokesman for army chief Sir Richard Dannatt said:

"Harry is ignorant of other cultures, mocks people different to himself and doesn't know the difference between a black man and a blacked-up man. Excellent stuff. He's just the sort of chap we're looking for in today's miltary."
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Following tied Israeli elections, both sides claim mandate to shit on Palestine

.Even Palestinian goats are under threat from Likud

Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni and opposition leader Benjamin Netanyahu have both claimed victory in Israel's general election and are itching to get to work dropping bombs on Gaza and annexing more of the West Bank as soon as possible.

With Livni's ruling Kadima party on 28 seats and the opposition Likud party on 27, President Shimon Peres has a difficult task in deciding which type of intransigence should be given the leadership role in the new government. There is also the issue of which paranoid, extremist right-wing parties should be allowed into the Cabinet room, and how to stop them mounting a campaign to destroy Palestinian schools once they are there.

Kadima on one hand have pledged to continue bombing Gaza until everyone is dead or displaced except Hamas leader Khaled Mashaal and his pet goat, Steve. Likud's policy differs in that they want to bomb Gaza until all are dead, including Steve.

This appears moderate however compared to the policies of some of the small hard-line parties that hold the balance of power. Yisrael Beiteinu, led by the charismatically unbalanced Avigdor Lieberman, has a policy of killing everyone in Gaza, annexing the West Bank, then expelling all the Arabs from Israel itself and stealing their lunch money. But they have offered a rare concession - Steve the goat will be spared and allowed to live out his days in Tel Aviv Zoo.

Israel's complex proportional representation system means it could be many weeks before a new coalition is negotiated. In the meantime, scores of volunteers have promised to throw what ever they have over the border into Gaza to keep the conflict fresh for the new Prime Minister.

Likud leader Benjamin Netanyahu is perhaps the man most likely to get the job. His last term as PM in 1996-1999 was marked by a lack of progress in peace talks, expansion of the settlements, and it paved the way for the second intifada that began in 2000. The combination of his personal charisma and the strong support for right wing parties should mean that Israel will be experiencing his inspired leadership again very soon.

We caught up with Netanyahu at a Gaza checkpoint where he was using a catapult to fire small rocks into the territory. "This is just the warning, I'll be in charge of tanks again soon," he said with a broad grin. We asked him about his policy of expanding Jewish settlements and whether it might damage the peace process. When he finished laughing, he explained his thinking.

"You have to understand the bind I'm in. On one side you have the Palestinians demanding basic living space in the land where they were born. On the other you have Jewish immigrants from America and Russia demanding a nice flat near Jerusalem with a view of Temple Mount. I think it's clear who is more deserving of this land."

We finished by asking if he would reconsider his policy on Steve the goat. "Fuck Steve," he said, sending a sharp edged stone towards a group of elderly women foraging for food. "Fuck them all."
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Tsvangirai broken in as Zimbabwe's PM

.The President prepares to shake hands with the new PM

Zimbabwe's opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai has been sworn in as prime minister by President Robert Mugabe and his followers using a traditional Zimbabwean shit kicking rite.

During a relentless seven hour ceremony Mr Tvangirai was administered the oath of office hanging upside down with electrodes attached to his testicles, while 21 year old Zanu PF 'war veterans' beat him with sticks and knotted rope.

Mr Tsvangirai and his Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) party won the first round of last year's presidential election - but he withdrew from the run-off campaign, citing a sore back, knees, arms, head, face, fingers, shoulders, feet, eyeballs and groin.

A visibly emotional Tsvangirai addressed the nation live on TV as the ceremony reached its conclusion. "I will well and truly serve Zimbabwe – AAARRGH - in the office of prime minister of the - SWEET JESUS NO - republic of Zimbabwe, so help me God – PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME GOD," Mr Tsvangirai said with his broken right arm raised awkwardly.

Following a spell of recuperation in hospital, the new prime minister will have to deal with an economy in ruins. Hyperinflation is causing prices to double every day and the country is now using pebbles and clumps of dry grass as currency since paper money cannot be printed fast enough to keep up with demand.

People on the streets of the capital Harare are sceptical that the new government will work, especially given that Mr Tvangirai will be distracted from his work by a dedicated team of Mugabe's thugs whacking him with baseball bats and slashing him with machetes throughout the day. However, a Zanu PF spokesman denied that the continuing violence was symbolic of president's lack of commitment to progress.

"Under the terms of the coalition deal, it has been agreed that we can continue to have a little rough and tumble with the MDC now and then," he told us on a break from beating up a Nun. "If this sometimes goes too far, well, that's the price of peace. Think of it as a family quarrel – but one where someone gets mortally wounded."

The remaining opposition members of the new coalition cabinet will be sworn in on Friday by being pushed of a cliff at Victoria Falls. The brave ministers that survive are expected to start the job of reconstruction in earnest on Monday, fractured skull or no fractured skull.
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Brown predicted to lose marbles at next election

.What Brown will see in the mirror in 2010

Gordon Brown is set to go doolally during a general election campaign which the Conservatives will most likely win, according to a new poll.

A survey of leading psychiatrists conducted by Populus on behalf of The Stupid Times has unanimously agreed the Prime Minister will go stark raving mad on the eve of a Tory landslide that could deliver the worst Labour election result since 1935.

Many are blaming the pressures of office as he grapples with one of the worst financial crises in decades, and the bounce in Mr Brown’s personal sanity ratings after the banking rescues of 2008 has now been largely wiped out. But many are also criticising former PM Tony Blair for calling him every day and asking: "How's it going Gordon, having fun? Yeah? Enjoying all that shit I left you to deal with. Bwahahaha!"

A Downing Street source mocked the analysis. “This isn't anything new - Gordon has been a nutjob for years, before he became PM.” he told us. “He is nicknamed the ghost of Downing Street because he spends most of his time shuffling down the corridors groaning, walking into walls and appearing white-faced in front of terrified officials.”

Justice Secretary Jack Straw, who has also been tipped for lunacy at the election, admitted the demons are coming. Speaking from his constituency office in Blackburn he confirmed that the prime minister and several members of the cabinet are probably mad as badgers. “Gordon and I have been in the Cabinet non-stop since 1997, and frankly we’ve had about 3 hours sleep in 12 years. Most days I’m hallucinating before breakfast and it’s only a matter of time before we both start foaming at the mouth and falling over backwards,” he told us.

Tory leader David Cameron, the man set to become the UK's next chief lunatic if the poll is right, was more sanguine. “I don't think that Gordon is mad, has been mad, or will go mad” he confided. “I just think he's shit and I want his job.”
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Following first presidential news conference, White House reporters promise impartiality sometime around 2016

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Forget the stimulus, just look how cute this Obama dog is

The White House press corps has been accused of rolling over and asking Barack Obama to tickle their tummies at his first national press conference.

The new President was expected to receive a grilling on his botched attempts to get relatives of Al Capone into his cabinet and an eight year supply of dog food into his stimulus plan. But hacks instead decided to interrogate Obama on matters such as what his favourite colour is and whether, if he was an animal, he would prefer to be a lion or a tiger.

Bill O’Reilly from right wing firebrand channel Fox News said:

"What the nation needed at this time of national economic crisis was an hour long Q&A session on guns, gays and God.

"Instead we were treated to the embarrassing spectacle of the President fielding curve balls on whether he preferred sun or ski and if he knew where Russia was on a World map. This sort of pit pat may have flummoxed Bush but Obama is a completely different kettle of fish. For starters he can actually read and write."

Maureen Dowd from the New York Times hit back at O’Reilly saying she believed readers of the biggest selling paper in the USA really wanted to know what Top Trumps set was the President’s favourite.

Ms Dowd said:

"Just because 90% of the press corps actively campaigned for Obama in the election and have his picture and autograph on their wall does not mean we will be giving him an easy ride. I for one am confident my readers are much more interested to know that Obama would prefer to be a tiger and that his favourite colour was purple than how in God’s earth he is going to turn round an economy that is currently shedding half a million jobs a month."

Dowd did acknowledge it may have been inappropriate for female hacks to have thrown their knickers at Obama on live TV and for male newshounds to beg to be allowed to spot for him at the gym. She added:

“The girls had heard that Michelle was running low on panties and we did not want her venturing out to Walmart alone. We were just doing our bit for national security.”
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Brown 'very angry' over bonus paid to paperboy

.Where are my f*#king papers you c£@t?

The Prime Minister was said to be furious last night after discovering that his wife Sarah gave a £20 Christmas tip to their paperboy in 2008.

Mr Brown was looking through the Downing Street petty cash box when he found the I.O.U. note from his wife dated 23rd December. He quizzed her about it over dinner and she admitted that the bonus had been paid against his wishes.

The PM has recently been heavily critical of his paperboy after a year of failed or late deliveries, missing sections, and damaged papers. Many times since November 2007, Mr Brown had blamed 13 year old Freddie Goodwin for not giving him time to react to the days headlines because he had delivered the papers too late or not at all.

Goodwin's failure to deliver the Mail on Sunday for three weeks running in May 2008 meant that Brown was unaware of the full effect of the housing crash on the middle classes of Surrey. The lack of the Daily Sport during August also meant he missed out on the juicy gossip as Big Brother 10 reached its climax, and he suspects Goodwin of taking the tit-filled rags home with him after his round.

Goodwin's mum has stepped in to defend her only son in the face of the prime ministerial attacks. Speaking outside her council flat in Pimlico Jane Goodwin accused Mr Brown of making Freddie a scapegoat for his poor handling of the economy. "Leave him alone, he's a good boy. He works hard every morning , cycles all the way to Westminster and then has to go to school. Mr Brown should try doing it for a day, he'd soon realise."

The Prime Minister however is escalating the issue. Goodwin is being called before the House of Commons postal services committee today and will be grilled by MPs over the missed and late deliveries throughout 2008. He is under pressure to issue an apology, but is expected to slouch on his chair, chew his nails and fiddle with his iPod throughout the hearing.

United Paperboys Union General Secretary, 15 year old Andy Hornby, blasted Brown for his persecution of Goodwin. "He's just a big fat idiot innit, he can't tell us what to do," he said, smoking round the back of a paper shop in East London. "I'm gonna go down there and put dogshit though the door of Number 10 if he don't shut up."
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Angelina Jolie turns the air blue at the BAFTAs

.Jolie before her expletive-laden outburst

The most famous couple in cinema were involved in an ugly shouting match outside the Royal Opera House after coming away from last nights BAFTAs empty handed.

Movie fans were stunned to see Angelina Jolie turn on hubby Brad Pitt and call him a “fucking moron” for insisting they attend the ceremony despite having zero chance of winning. The sultry star went on to publicly accuse her partner of being deluded about his acting abilities and saying he looked like a real gay boy with his new moustache.

Earlier in the evening Jolie had predictably been pipped by Kate Winslet for the Best Actress award and Pitt had lost out to Mickey Rourke for the prize of Best Actor. Later speaking exclusively to The Stupid Times at a BAFTA after party, Jolie said:

"There was no way the Brits were going to vote for me ahead of that bitch Winslet, no matter how nauseating the prospect of her making another tearful acceptance speech was.

"Brad makes for good eye candy but when the serious acting prizes are being handed out, his time would be better spent filling out the papers for the Scottish triplets we are trying to adopt. The only good thing about the night was that fucking Tom Cruise isn't in town. I am getting pretty pissed off with him trying to sign Brad up to Scientology.

"Mind you, if you had made a shit war film littered with historical inaccuracies while playing the lead role as a German using an American accent, then I'm sure you may have felt a little embarrassed showing your face around your peers."

Jolie went on to criticise the BAFTA organisers saying it was ridiculous having such an important event on a weekend when the Circle Line of the London Underground was closed.

"It was a nightmare getting from our hotel to Covent Garden with the tube down and I’ll be fucked if I am getting the night bus home later," she said huddling under an umbrella and smoking a roll up. "Meryl Streep has the number for a 24 hour mini-cab service so hopefully that should sort us out. Bollocks am I coming back to this turd of a city next year."
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Senate agree bipartisan interior design package

.To the left, to the left, a bit more - yep, that's it

After several days of recrimination, harsh words, and not to mention a few tears, US Senators came to an agreement on the annual rugs, drapes and furniture budget on Friday.

Shortly before 11.30 pm Senate Majority leader Harry Reid finally closed the Ikea catalog and asked his fellow senators to meet him at the College Park, MD branch of the store at 12 noon Saturday and then reconvene for the final vote on Tuesday.

The source of the disagreements has been the new dynamic in Congress since the Democratic clean sweep at the 2008 elections. West Coast and New England Democratic Senators were leading the drive for a more modern, minimalist style, while Republicans and conservative Democrats had been fiercely defending the neoclassical style that has persisted since the current chamber's construction in 1859.

Senators Barbara Boxer (D-CA) and Maria Cantwell (D-WA) were dead set on replacing the historic mahogany desks with new sleek glass units each with an iBook, and creating break out spaces in the public gallery. They also wanted to remove the blue carpet and create an easy to maintain parquet floor to allow easy movement of furniture so that the layout of the Senate could be changed quickly in line with the principles of Feng Shui when the mood of debates turn sour.

The vote in favour of a new modern chamber was teetering on 52 in favour on Wednesday, but the opposition were threatening a filibuster that could have also jeopardised a new supply of stationary for the 111th session of Congress. An angry John McCain (R-AZ) was seen weeping at his desk and heard railing against the Obama-esque fascination with youth and modernity. At this point a group of moderate senators from both parties stepped in to resolve the issue.

Ben Nelson (D-NE), a key architect of the deal, explained how it was hammered out. "Over several hours a compromise was made whereby the traditional fixtures and fittings will be kept, but out of sight and subtle changes will be made to allow modern, smarter working. These will include new invisible storage spaces under Senate floor, iPhones in each desk for internet and email access, plus a dedicated budget for a team of porters to be on hand to move the desks when required."

President Obama praised senators for making the deal. He said: "This updates the facilities and fixtures of the chamber for the 21st century while preserving the historic feel of the place. Metaphysical change has come to the Senate."
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Porn clip was a Super Bowl of wrong

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The Arizona cable network that screened 30 seconds of hard core porn during the Super Bowl has been accused of leaving sport fans psychologically disturbed.

80,000 viewers were watching the big match on the KVOA network when they were suddenly treated to a clip of a man being sucked off by a hot naked chick. Hundreds of quick thinking supporters across the state instantly dropped their trousers and started furiously ‘beating the meat’. But they were left horrified when the network cut back to the game leaving them wanking to the sight of big men in tight trousers wrestling with each other on the floor.

Mike Hooper, from the No Principles Legal Association that is representing 30 fans, said:

"First of all, my clients are angry with KVOA for not informing them that a saucy clip from Jenna Jameson’s Sex Club was to be screened. If they had known that a TV blow job was in the offing viewers could have been firmed up and ready to go, giving them a decent chance of delivering the money shot before the network returned to the American Football.

"Instead those who had momentarily closed their eyes mid stroke soon found themselves thrashing away to the spectacle of the Arizona Cardinals' defensive line on their haunches covered in sweat. Can you imagine the trauma of then having to finish yourself off while watching Pittsburgh driving down the field for the game and winning touchdown."

Gary Nielson, President of KVOA, admitted that screening of the hard core porn should have been extended to give viewers every opportunity to climax. But he defended his network against accusations of bad taste pointing out they had only used high class footage from the Jenna Jameson collection.

Mr Nielson said: “I still think spicing up the biggest sporting event of the year with some serious skin was the right call. But I admit we should have stayed the course to give the guys the chance to get the job done. However, they should be thankful that our producer didn’t get his way and play the tape of his wife with their neighbour. 30 seconds of her would have led to a case of state wide Mr Floppy.”
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Britain braces itself for more moral outrage

.Someone will pay for this, mark my words

Just as the fervent criticism of anyone and anything that could be held responsible for the snow and the after effects was subsiding, the Met Office have issued warnings of a new front of mindless finger pointing heading towards Britain today.

The Daily Mail and the Telegraph had finally managed to strap its leading columnists into strait jackets and calm them down when the news broke. At the Mail's office in central London Melanie Phillips chewed through the straps and immediately penned a provocative piece about how single mothers, immigrants and gays are responsible for the inadequate amount of gritting vans across the country.

Awful parents up and down the land are currently berating their children for ever being born and making them stay home from their jobs to look after them when the schools close because teachers can't get to work. Business organisations are furiously inventing figures that represent the cost to the economy of everyone having a bloody good time for a day.

Sir Eric Barking of the pressure group Brilliant! Let's All Make Enemies (BLAME) said that he would like to see flogging brought in for primary school teachers who refuse to walk ten miles to school through ice and snow. "The Telegraph got it right - they need to have more grit. The same grit I showed in getting chauffeur driven to work in my butler's 4X4, regardless of the weather."

Meanwhile drivers groups called on the government to steal salt and grit from other countries so that roads could be cleared. "This will allow our members to crawl along at 5 miles an hour, then suddenly speed up, crash into the car in front and then blame the government for not making the roads safe enough," said AA president Edmund King.

However, 9 year old Tom Allen from Nottingham was like most children in looking forward to more snow and time off school. "It's been ace, me and my sister made a snowman and threw snowballs and did snow angels, " he told us. "The only thing is, my Mum and Dad keep moaning that they are missing work instead of playing with us. What a pair of boring fucking twats."
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Bush complains of 'gruelling schedule' post-presidency

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Dubya on a rare break from the housework

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Former President George W. Bush has been out of office less than three weeks - but he is already complaining of a gruelling schedule since leaving the White House on January 20th.

For a man who many said arrived in the Oval Office by accident, became popular by accident on 9/11, but then fucked everything up on purpose to help out his rich friends, relaxing into a wealthy and work free retirement should have been easy. But having grown up rich and spent most of his adult life smashed on whisky or at the highest levels of state and federal elected office, being at home is hard work.

According to friends, his wife Laura is busying herself with charity and educational work, and with their twin daughters having grown up and left home, life is one long lonely chore for the 43rd President. “He starts each day before sunrise by taking the dogs Barney and Spot for a 2 hour walk without a secret service agent to clear up their shit,” said one ex-Cabinet member on the condition of anonymity. “Then its back home to make breakfast for everyone, which could involve frying eggs and bacon, making porridge, freshly squeezing the oranges and grapefruits with his personalised Shock and Awe juicer and then all the washing up. After Laura has gone to work, he has to do the laundry, press her suits and begin the process of dusting and hoovering the house. By lunchtime he is exhausted and ready for a nap.”

Compared to the light hours Bush put in at the White House, where he often rose at 9am and had his head down from 1-2pm, and was tucked up again at 9pm, the early starts and late nights cooking and clearing up after Laura and her friends is wearing him down. “One of the hardest things is having to pour his own milk on his cornflakes,” said a neighbour who has lent the downcast former President a lawnmower. “He had a team of people to do it for him, and now he even has to put it back in the fridge. He didn’t even know where the fridge was in D.C.”

By contrast, former vice-president Dick Cheney is having a ball. All the money he stashed away in Halliburton and Kellogg, Brown and Root shares before he took office has mushroomed thanks to all the Iraq contracts and he is now a multi-trillionaire. He has spent a large slice of the money on a remote island, a white furry cat, and an army of fanatical mercenaries. Several agents have tried to infiltrate the 'duck-shooting resort' as he calls it, but few have returned alive.

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Lost untangled fails to untangle Lost

.After four years stranded on a desert island, the food was running low

American viewers sat down last night to have everything explained about the seriously confusing TV series Lost, but ended up wondering whether the TV was real and if it was all part of a government conspiracy to turn their brains into ice cream.

Lost was first broadcast in 2004 and since then millions of people have been struggling to keep up with it's increasingly bizarre plot twists and turns as a group of very lucky, healthy and uninjured plane crash survivors do some really weird stuff on the beautiful unspoiled island that their plane just happened to break apart over.

Lost Untangled was supposed to give an introduction to new viewers and a helping hand to longstanding fans who are confused by the story so far. However it was essentially a blank screen with people whispering "Lost....you're lost" over the audio, followed by contradictory statements including "Well...maybe your not Lost", "It could all be a dream", and "Did you leave the car lights on...who knows whoooo whooohoooo"

It also failed even to answer the most pertinent question of all the shows so far - how did that fat guy stay so fucking fat? Did he find a secret snack cupboard in the jungle with 1000 snickers bars in? And why didn't the other survivors eat him?

Meanwhile, President Obama has called on the ABC network cap the salaries of Lost's actors and production team at $500,000 a year until the program actually starts to make some sense.

At a White House press briefing, the President said: "For top executives and actors to award themselves large sums of money for confusing the shit out of us isn't just bad taste -- it's a bad strategy, as we will stop watching unless things get a little clearer. We're going to be demanding some nice simple plots, perhaps a light hearted love story or some slapstick set ups. And most importantly, we need an explanation of how the fat guy stayed so fucking fat? I mean, did he eat the bodies of those who didn't make it?"

Lost season 5 will continue to tax your brain and defy the laws of reason on a TV channel near you until 2010.
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