US Bank not on the brink of bankruptcy

Wall Street was last night reeling after the US Treasury announced they had found a bank that was not about to collapse. Speaking at a hastily convened press conference Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, a former bank CEO, said he was shocked to find a financial institution that did not require billions dollars of tax payer’s money to prevent it from going under and leaving tens of thousands of people unemployed. Paulson pledged to the American people that it would not be happening again:

“The Bush administration has worked very hard over the last eight years to destoy the banking system, leaving people like me to take money out of the pockets of hard working Amercian’s to bail them out. I think we all now want to know why this bank has chosen to oppose the Bush doctrine and not beg for money from the government.”

Government bail-outs have been a feature of the past four months, one of the most tumultuous periods in US economic history. A source from one of the bailed out banks said: “Having your own guy in charge of the Treasury means you can screw up as much as you want knowing that he is always there with the taxpayer to pick up the tab.” However, he did acknowledge that news of a financial institution that was actually solvent had created consternation and concern on Wall Street. “This bank has made the rest of us look like greedy incompetent assholes, which is just not the case. However, I am confident that this is a freak occurrence and there will be plenty more bankruptcies over the next few weeks.”

Before finishing the press conference Paulson had a parting shot against the rogue traders running the solvent bank. “They may feel pretty clever now, but soon they will realise that I will not be coming knocking at their door asking to buy all their worthless sub-prime mortgages and derivatives at double the market value.” At the White House the President was questioned about the significance of finding this solvent bank. He said: “I know that Cheney and I have been busting a gut to completely screw up the country. I will not allow this one bank to tarnish our reputation for supreme economic incompetence.”

Supplies of pointless crap in jeopardy as Woolworths goes bust

Britain is set for a shortage of useless presents this Christmas as the high street's biggest seller of tat heads into administration.

People across the country may be unwrapping useful and practical items on Christmas morning, instead of comedy sized wine glasses, Homer Simpson bottle openers, or foul smelling candle sets, analysts say.

Woolworths have been selling rubbish for almost 100 years and pioneered short-term novelty presents that end up in landfill by Boxing Day. Deloitte, the company appointed to manage the process, have reassured shoppers that branches will remain open selling shit for at least the next few weeks.

Meanwhile, shares in one of Woolies most popular products collapsed following the news. The commodity price of pick 'n' mix fell by over 40% in a matter of minutes. However shares rallied when a cleaning lady at the stock exchange pointed out that pick 'n' mix is available from loads of other shops and has been for years.

Western perverts stranded in Thailand

Flights ferrying sad bastards home from Thailand's international airport have been suspended after hundreds of anti-government protesters stormed the building in Bangkok.

The demonstrators are in full control of Suvarnabhumi airport, leaving thousands of sex tourists stranded. Some are rejoicing, others are tearfully calling their wives and asking for help.

Overweight and hideously ugly western men are crammed into the airports departure lounge staring forlornly at the departure screens. Hans Aufman, a Catholic priest from Hamburg, was due home yesterday to preside over several weddings. "It's disgraceful" he told us angrily.

"I, a man of the cloth come here for a relaxing week of having sex with underage girls and now I'm stuck in this god-forsaken place."

A group of British weirdos from Manchester were furious at the protesters. "Some of us are teachers and policeman, we're needed back home."

But Chuck Sandelman, an obese American banker from North Carolina, was relaxed about the situation. "I was only supposed to be here for a long weekend," he  told us with a nauseating smile. "It looks like I'll be missing my daughters 15th birthday, but hey - I think I'll be celebrating a few others."

Republicans need to get fat, lose fat and play bass in time for 2012 says Huckabee

If the Republican Party wants to regain control of the government, former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee says GOP leaders must first learn the bass line to Johnny B Goode and hit the cheeseburgers.

"People will forgive you for being a little left or a little right, but they won't forgive you for sliding down the fretboard at the wrong moment during the lead guitar solo," he told the Stupid Times in between appearances on the promotional tour for his new book. "Politicians need to pile on the pounds as well. How can they understand the average American if they don’t spend a few years as a fat fuck that can barely get up the stairs without losing breath. I’ve been there, I feel their pain.”

Huckabee famously tipped the scales at nearly 300 pounds at the height of his obesity but slimmed down to a normal weight during his time as Arkansas governor. He is also an avid musician, playing the bass guitar in his band Capitol Offense. Following big losses in the 2008 elections, he is urging Republican leaders to follow his life story if they want to win again. Although his supporters have set up the ‘Eat for Mike’ campaign, he was tight lipped on his intentions.

“This isn’t about Mike Huckabee, this is about the Republican Party and what’s best for America. What we have now are Obama and Biden, who have always been thin and healthy and can’t understand what it’s like to have one of your buttocks resting on a stranger’s arm on a flight. They don’t know what it’s like having to actually look for your penis. They’re out of touch.”

Huckabee also offered some advice to the front-runner for the party’s nomination in four years. “Sarah Palin is a fine woman, and while she’s never been able to do the truffle shuffle, she’s had 5 children and knows what it is to be big. I keep seeing her holding a gun, which is great, but where’s the gee-tar? If she can’t play the REO Speedwagon bass runs by the time of the Iowa primary in 2012, she’s history.”

Darling puts more annoying small change in British pockets and purses

Just when you thought you had disciplined yourself into putting all those 1 and 2 pence pieces in a jar that you'll never take to the bank, the Chancellor has undone all that hard work by giving you even more loose change.

Billed as the Pre-Budget Report that will help people across the board, the main provision seems to be a few pence off the price of a Mars Bar and other basic items. Analysts say that this will leave the nation with millions of pennies clogging up coin pockets, car dashboards, handbags and coffee tables. The Conservatives have called for an urgent debate and an investigation in into whether the world copper market can cope with the extra demand.

Across the country, checkout workers are preparing for the elderly and the unemployed spending even more precious minutes counting out the exact cost of their purchases while queues of people with jobs and places to go snake round corners. Supermarket bosses are planning to provide counting assistance to people who have no concept of time.

Some are overjoyed by the news however. Angry Jack of the Tramps and Bums Association said his members were looking forward to a very Merry Christmas. "Aaah got fuggall small change yezzerday, but zo farr diz morning ah gots four quids in pennieez" he told us on a London street, in between swigs from a shiny new can of Carlsberg Special Brew.

Other significant measures in the mini budget include a three month delay before you get kicked out of your house and a plan to increase taxes on the rich from 2011, which will be dropped after the Conservatives get into power.

Obama adds guy who dated Michelle to his team of rivals

Determined to construct as broad-based an administration as possible, incoming US President Barack Obama has gone further even than his aides could have predicted to include his former opponents in top government jobs.

Following the appointment of former presidential rivals Hillary Clinton and Bill Richardson to the cabinet, and Joe Biden now the vice-president elect, Obama has continued the theme by offering the post of White House assistant counsel to a former love rival. The unnamed man, a Chicago lawyer, dated Michelle Obama (then Robinson) in the months before her current husband asked her out. Although working with your wife's old flame would test any normal man, a spokesman assured reporters that the brief relationship "was a long time ago" and that Michelle, Barack and the ex were "cool with it".

Barack Obama has been magnanimous in his victory and has offered other jobs to former political opponents. Although John McCain turned down the post of Head Elf in the transition team's Christmas play, he was said to be grateful to be asked and offered to help behind the scenes.

We don’t understand economics, world admits

The people of planet Earth finally came clean today and confessed that economic policy, financial systems and the most basic fiscal concepts are a complete mystery to 99.99% of the population.

Despite acres of newsprint, endless amateur and expert opinions spouted daily, and frequent drunken conversations about the financial crisis in pubs and bars, we as a planet are no closer to really understanding why we’re all broke and the banks are in the shit. As the UK unveils a baffling economic recovery plan and US President-elect Obama keeps going on about sums of cash we can’t even imagine, most people are ready to admit that they switch off the news and put on reality TV and soap operas whenever the bloody credit crunch comes up.

An anonymous source from business consultancy Ernst and Young revealed that an internal survey of his and other city firms concluded that even financial analysts and economic experts don’t have a damn clue what it all means. “The UK government can cut purchase taxes and Obama can promise 2 million new jobs, but at the end of the day we couldn’t give a monkey’s cock. We’re all glued to Desperate Housewives and whacked out on booze and prescription drugs,” he told us after several beers in a London pub. “I’m a so-called senior credit analyst on 200k, and I certainly don’t know what the fuck is going on.”

Further east in the seemingly unstoppable tiger economies of the United Arab Emirates, Kylie Minogue wowed crowds at the $20 million opening party of the $1 billion Dubai Atlantis Hotel last week. A representative of Kerzner International, who built the resort, confirmed that financial ignorance was truly global. “Do you think we would have built this fucking thing if we understood the value of money or had any economic foresight? Of course not, we’re all as thick as pig shit when it comes to money.”

Fat people poised to destroy Australia's crops

As Australian farmers battle with dust, drought, and locusts, a new enemy is taking them on: fat people.

As the agriculture sector struggles to stay afloat in the face of increasing water shortages and attacks from pests, the nation's rising obesity epidemic is threatening to decimate food sources across the country.

Swarms of the lard-arsed bastards are sweeping across already drought-affected areas and feasting on whatever they can get their chubby hands on. In western New South Wales, near the country town of Condobolin, a swarm of salad-dodgers measuring four miles long by 560 feet wide (the group not the individuals) was spotted last week eating everything in sight.

The state's primary industries minister, Ian Macdonald, said that many snag scoffers and tucker rustlers, would gradually get tired as they lose the will to move around following their massive feast.

Mr Macdonald sought to reassure farmers, saying there was no need to panic. "We are monitoring the situation," he said. "It's important to realise that most of the state's crops have been harvested, so the fat bastards can't get near them without tearing down grain silos or hijacking food trucks. We've ordered the army to shoot on sight if this happens."

People across the country have also been advised to keep their pies and chips under lock and key, and call the police if any big people start staring at their donuts and licking their lips.

Flawed science may adversely affect children

Children whose parents constantly overreact to the latest scientific research could have their development undermined, a study has suggested.

Researchers found that parents who aren’t constantly worrying themselves into an early grave over the latest round of unproven studies are more likely to talk, laugh and interact with their children.

The study was prompted by some crap research carried out by Dr Suzanne Zeedyk from Dundee University, in collaboration with the charity the National Literacy Trust (NLT). Dr Zeedyk’s research suggested that it actually matters which way a baby is facing when it is crying, falling asleep or soiling its nappy in a buggy.

However, parallel surveys discovered that while some babies did have a preference of direction, most were indifferent and just wanted a tit in their mouth as soon as possible. They also showed that parents who fuss and fret over every microscopic detail of their child’s development are a real pain in the arse and need some kind of counselling, so that they don’t ruin their kids lives.

Dr Zeedyk called for a larger scale study to be carried out so she could attempt to justify the huge sum of money she had spent on the last one.

Obama appoints Bill Clinton to manage White House interns

The former president's international business dealings, global foundation and recent gaffes could create difficulties for Hillary Clinton becoming secretary of state, according to transition team insiders.

Barack Obama is determined to give the New York Senator the key foreign policy job in his cabinet but is concerned that her husband's complicated global business interests could present future conflicts of interest that result in unneeded headaches for the incoming commander-in-chief.

However, the President-elect and his advisors have come up with a plan to ensure that his international presence is curtailed once Hillary is appointed to the State Department. Obama has offered Bill Clinton the job of Coordinator for the White House Internship program. Aides close to the former president have said that he was 'drooling' at the prospect and has offered to cease all international activities after the new administration takes office on January 20th 2009 in order to take up the job.

Bill has been on a long dry patch since his affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky almost derailed his presidency in 1998. Since then, Hillary has remained too angry to put out and in any case, has been too busy as a Senator and a presidential candidate to go horizontal jogging with Bill. Added to this, intense media scrutiny of his private life has prevented him from getting a sweet piece of ass elsewhere.

With the female interns at his beck and call, the world media outside the gates, and his wife constantly away on government business, Clinton would easily slip into his old role as charmer-in-chief and is likely to spend 99% of his time boning 21 year old college students. This would leave no time for the international business and charity work that concerns the Obama team and would leave Hillary to dominate the world stage, alone and controversy free.

The former president was seen driving to a local pharmacy last night without his wife. He emerged later carrying 20 boxes of condoms and sporting a huge grin on his red, randy face.

Man kills himself during strategy meeting

A consultant talking crap yesterday

A middle manager at a leading business services consultancy has committed suicide in front of his colleagues during a team meeting. The unnamed man, who is married and in his mid-40s shot himself in the head at a corporate strategy workshop organised to address the company’s recent decline in light of the financial crisis.

It appears that he had finally had enough of corporate bullshit, management speak and meaningless waffle that fails to address the real issues. A close colleague of the dead man who wished to remain anonymous revealed that during the meeting the man had become increasingly agitated as superiors discussed their ‘corporate vision’ for the company over the next few years.

“He was visibly wincing when the HR manager kept mentioning ‘a focus on the team’ and dug his pen into his leg at mentions of ‘downsizing and reallocation’. He seemed to calm down during the finance segment, but when the boss announced the new ‘change management processes’ he pulled out a pistol and blew his own brains out.”

A spokesman for the company has announced that his family will be receiving a ‘transitional post-loss compensation plan’.

BNP members shocked by prejudice

Following the release of thousands of British National Party membership records online, Nazis up and down the country have spoken of their horror at the treatment they are receiving from members of the public.

Party leader Nick Griffin has called for the British people to show tolerance and understanding of his fellow racists amid reports that those named in the leaked document have received threatening and abusive phone calls and emails. Griffin, a self proclaimed white supremacist who has spent his life spreading fear and terror among the ethnic minority community, described the publication of the names as a “nasty piece of intimidation.”

One party member, who we are calling Robin B to protect his publicly known identity, called us about his experiences since his address was published. “It’s been horrible, I can tell you. Yesterday afternoon I was minding my own business, on my way home from pushing dog shit through the letterbox of a Somalian family. As I approached my front door a group of teenagers started shouting at me for no reason, calling me a racist c**t and mocking my pale white face and short stature. I cannot believe that in Britain today people will target someone just for what they believe and how they look.”

Robin, a High Court Judge, went on to describe his evening. “All night they were calling and shouting at me. This was a shame as I had friends coming round to help me leave obscene messages on the answer phones of leading black politicians.”

Palin slams McCain for ‘palling around’ with a man who ‘pals around’ with terrorists

Former Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin has launched an attack on her former running mate following his meeting with Barack Obama in Chicago yesterday. The Alaska governor has accused Senator John McCain of associating with “a man who doesn’t see America in the narrow and oversimplified way that you or I do.”

The defeated Republican presidential candidate met with President-elect Obama Monday to discuss how they can work together for the good of the nation following the bitter and divisive election campaign. According the aides, the meeting was constructive and cordial, and McCain appreciated the respect shown to him by his former rival. Agreement was reached on the principles of several important pieces of legislation that both men will work on in the New Year.

But Palin is reportedly furious that McCain shook hands and sat down with Obama. She made her feelings clear live on CNN addressing a baying mob gathered in her home town of Wasilla, Alaska.

“Barack Obama has dangerous plans for our country and dangerous plans for you. Bill Ayers will be Defence Secretary, he’s gonna sell all you white women to Arab princes, convert us all to Muslimianity, and make our kids gay and have force them to have sex with animals. I love John, but if he cares about freedom and truth then he should have shot this fake American dead with one of the guns that we have the God given right to carry, you betcha.”

McCain was measured in his response. In a statement he refused to condemn Palin’s comments directly. “I remain proud and honoured to have campaigned with Sarah. However I am concerned that she has turned the corner and is walking into the asylum. We should all pray for her and those who cross her path at this present time.”

Stranded tourists hijack oil tanker

Despite previous reports that pirates were responsible for hijacking an oil tanker off the coast of Africa, it has emerged that it was in fact a party of British holiday makers who took control of the ship when their own broke down, soon after their tour operator went bust. Helicopters have captured video images of a group of middle aged and elderly women on the boat with painted faces waving makeshift weapons. What appear to be the bodies of the crew are hanging from the communications masts and a large fire has been set on deck. Several satellite calls and emails from the ship are beginning to uncover details of the crisis.

100 members of the South West Surrey Women’s Institute (WI) were half way through a cruise from Madagascar to Kenya when it was announced that Daylight Travel was going into administration and that the captain had no funds to purchase any more fuel. Soon after, the boats engines failed, leaving them adrift on the Indian Ocean. The Sirius Star oil tanker happened to be in the vicinity and answered a call for help. But while the crews were discussing how to fix the engine and get back to shore, the women were meeting in the dining room and calling for action.

Our reporter has been granted exclusive access to the ladies’ ringleader via satellite phone. Speaking to 67 year old Marjorie Bernard, dubbed ‘Black Skirt’ by her followers, the Stupid Times discovered what happened next.

“Well, we all couldn’t believe what was happening,” the resident of Farnham, Surrey told us. “Some of us had been saving for years for the cruise – our treasurer Dorothy Chambers had cashed in her life insurance and her sister Audrey had sold her car to cover the cost. We felt helpless to be honest, and we really couldn’t see a way out. But then some of the women pushed me forward as they knew I was a good organiser from my days as clerk of the town council, and before long the conversation had moved onto drastic action.”

“We knew that we could have our holiday cut short by this and we couldn’t stand for it. This year has been bad enough as it is, with the price of lamb chops going through the roof and the higher interest on our store cards hitting hard. Most of our husbands have taken early retirement since the financial troubles started and this was our break, or time.”

Marjorie was then called away to force a 78 year old woman suspected of stealing from the ration tin to walk the plank, leaving her first mate Betty Chalfont of Haslemere to continue the story. “So we confronted the crew of the Sirius Star, and demanded that they take us to Kenya so we wouldn’t miss out on the Safari package we had booked. They refused and after a heated argument something in the ladies snapped. Those of us from the judo club made short work of the crew and the chair of the knitting circle tied them up. We caught a few trying to escape later that night, so sadly we had to slit their gizzards and string them up as a warning to others.”

When asked what they want, the ladies have modest claims. They want their safari, and they want the holiday they paid for in full to carry on without interruption. They would also like a barrel of tea and a hundred boxes of Mr Kipling cakes to last them the rest of the week, and for the smelly cargo to be switched to lavender oil.

Daily Mail calls for Britain to resign

The Daily Mail newspaper has decided that everyone in the UK should resign over various crises. From the Credit Crunch, the Ross/Brand telephone scandal, to failing local government services, Mail columnists led by Melanie Phillips have decided that it is time for us all to fall on our swords.

In an opinion piece in Monday's paper, Phillips explained that Britain's position has become untenable.

"We are all responsible for the mistakes of the 1960s generation. Gays, single mothers and immigrants are mostly to blame of course, but we are perhaps equally to blame for not spitting at them in the street anymore and allowing them to live their sordid, filthy lives in an atmosphere of peace and tolerance. Therefore it is now the duty of every one in England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland to resign, and resign now. Discipline, mistrust, weren't the 1950s perfect, enforced miserable conformity, etc etc."

Despite this strong view, it was not clear if the mass resignation would apply to tabloid writers and self-appointed guardians of the nation's morals. Mail editor Paul Dacre was unavailable to clarify the point as he was busy beating a servant to death for overcooking his toast.

Mythical Beatles track latest part of dead horse to be flogged

Sir Paul McCartney is set to pick some more flesh off the bones of his former band with the release of ‘Carnival of Light’ a 14 minute jam recorded in 1967 that John Lennon and George Harrison thought was shit. McCartney, who hasn’t written a decent song since the early 1970s, has spoken to the media about the song in order to sell a few extra Beatles albums at Christmas, in the absence of a re-packaged “Best Of” this year containing all the same songs as the others.

Walking along the street with his trademark man boobs and thumbs on display, the 66 year old one trick pony smiled and waved at reporters on his way to the bank to draw out some of his hundreds of millions of pounds. “It’s really cool man,” he told us. “This was just something we did for a laugh when we were stoned over 40 years ago and everyone forgot about. Yeah, groovy. Now that John and George are dead, I can release it and make even more cash. Right on.”

McCartney was one half of the song writing team with Lennon that led the Beatles to produce some of the most memorable music of all time in the 1960s and gain millions of fans all over the world. However, after the band broke up in 1970 McCartney inflicted the shame and embarrassment of Wings and his solo career on his loyal followers. These days he is best known for marrying and divorcing a one legged lunatic, and spends most of his time with his nose up the arses of the British Royal Family.

Drummer Ringo Starr, who still can’t quite believe his luck 46 years after being hired, is understood to be supportive of the release as he wants to repave his front drive with gold leaf and take long overdue drumming lessons. He has had few discernable achievements since the Beatles and Thomas the Tank Engine pay cheques have long since dried up. He recently asked fans to stop sending him letters in an attempt to remind the world that he is still alive.

Bush using California wildfires to destroy evidence

With the shredders and incinerators at the White House working to full capacity to destroy incriminating records of the last 8 years, the outgoing Bush-Cheney administration seem to have come up with a novel way to address the shortfall and ensure that their wrongdoing is concealed after January 20th.

At 5pm Pacific Standard Time on Sunday as fire-fighters were tackling the intense blazes engulfing much of southern California, the presidential helicopter Marine One was seen coming into view just outside the town of Oakridge. The men cheered and waved, under the impression that the president had ordered his own personal helicopter into the danger zone to help douse the flames. However, it was on a different mission. Los Angeles Fire Department Captain Steve Ruda described to us what happened next.

“All the men were cheering when the president’s helicopter flew over. We thought that it had been sent to help tackle the fire or maybe Bush had come to see for himself what’s going on.” But as Captain Ruda explained, Marine One was not carrying water. “The cargo door opens and there’s this bald guy throwing out stacks of paper, files, disks and photographs onto the fire. I couldn’t be sure, but he looked a lot like Vice-president Cheney.”

According to reports around the area Marine One made several visits that day, dumping detritus in the most intense fires. A White House spokesman denied that the administration was taking advantage of one of the worst fires in recent Californian history to cover up the illegal activities of Bush and Cheney’s two terms in office. “We are not trying to destroy evidence; all of the drops have been of unusually shaped water balloons. The next batch of balloons will be shaped like computers and tape recorders.”

Meanwhile, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen driving a truckload of water at the flames near Montecito, before jumping out at the last minute, machine-gunning some arsonists and throwing himself into a waiting chopper.

Charlton Heston posthumously gives up guns

Heston talking to one of the apes

Deceased actor Charlton Heston has finally had his guns prised from his "cold dead hands" according to reports.  With the election of Barack Obama as the 44th president, Heston's corpse has given up his campaign for gun rights in the USA as he thinks that the new liberal majority will soon be banning people from owning extremely dangerous  firearms with questionable self defence benefits. 

The Planet of the Apes star continued to be an advocate for Americans having access to killing devices even after his death earlier this year, by stating in his will that he would like his burial site, "tooled up" so that he could repel anyone tried to steal a lump of rotting flesh from his body. 

When Heston's cadaver heard the news of Obama's victory and Democratic majorities in Congress it sighed and loosened it's grip on the assault weapons that were buried with it to ward of moles, worms and ants, lest they try to invade the coffin. 

Leading gun activists across the USA have expressed disappointment at their former champion. National Rifle Association president John Sigler was said, to visibly saddened and slightly murderous on hearing the news. 

President-elect Obama however reassured NRA members that they would be able to continue owning unnecessary weapons.  "Let make no mistake my fellow Americans, I want to get things done while I am in office," he said in a video address on his website.  "These gun owning nuts already want to kill me, I'm not going upset them any more than I have to."

Osborne fears donations collapse

The global financial crisis could lead to the collapse of political donations, shadow chancellor George Osborne has warned.

In an interview with the Stupid Times, he accused the prime minister of being "deeply irresponsible" by not putting in place a system to ensure that billionaires and corporations could continue to bribe MPs on yachts in the Mediterranean. 

Dodgy donations have fallen sharply in recent months amid fears of recession and revelations about Osborne, Lord Mandelson and great big wads of cash.  A Labour spokesman said Mr Osborne was being "hysterical" and insisted that graft, corruption, and blatant greed would continue under Gordon Brown's leadership. 

On Friday, the number of brown envelopes being slipped into jacket pockets slipped to a 13-year low. The former Conservative treasurer Lord Kalms has told the BBC that things are almost as bad as when he was in office under Iain Duncan Smith.  During that debacle the Tories would be lucky to raise £7.80 at a cake sale.

BBC political correspondent Iain Watson said there had been unease among some Conservatives about Mr Osborne's performance during the credit crunch but up until recently they had been placated by all the dosh flowing into their accounts from questionable sources.  

But last month, Mr Osborne was embroiled in the so-called Corfu yacht row. He admitted he "made a mistake" by meeting Russian billionaire Oleg Deripaska several times while on holiday in Corfu in the summer. But he denied claims he tried to solicit a £50,000 donation for the Conservative Party. The true figure was nearer £100,ooo he said. 

Clinton taps Obama for President

Hillary pulling the strings from a padded cell

Hillary Clinton’s transition team has revealed that her former rival Barack Obama is on the shortlist for the job of president in her new administration. The New York Senator lost the Democratic primary to Obama and therefore did not take part in the presidential election, but remains convinced that she is in charge.

A close friend told us: “She tends to spend most of the day weighing up the pros and cons of Obama as president and the various cabinet picks that need to be made. She sees herself as a sort of supreme leader, rising above the government, the party and the election results. Frankly, I’m scared she might be one racist remark short of a Republican rally.”

Clinton’s delusions of grandeur began during the election campaign and have progressively worsened. During the primaries she claimed to have run from enemy fire during the war in Yugoslavia, which turned out to be a hallucination she had whilst calmly walking from the helicopter with Chelsea and greeting local children. Her concession speech in June registered with all but her. Husband Bill had to break the news that all the cheering meant she had lost rather than won, prompting a violent tantrum that lasted for several hours until a local vet sedated her with a dart gun.

The former first lady has since become a virtual recluse in her Westchester home and has assembled a team of top advisors to assist with the transition to imaginary power. They include the local doctor, a psychiatric nurse and Jerry the Farmer who attends meetings armed with a cattle prod for when things get nasty.

Britain's most pointless man gets bus pass

Ineffectual award-winner Charles Windsor of Doughton, Gloucestershire will celebrate his 60th birthday today by taking a trip to town with his new free bus pass. Mr Windsor, an unemployed monarch, has held the UK’s ‘most useless person’ title for a record 56 consecutive years and is set for a double celebration today as he is expected to win the honour again at an awards ceremony tonight in Tetbury.

A guest list of similarly pointless people will be at the event cosying up to Charles, who has become a hero for the irrelevant, directionless and those who are surplus to requirements. His wife Camilla, a frequent winner in the ‘ladies waste of space’ category, will accompany him along with his son William, who Charles hopes will take over the title when a job finally comes his way.

Symbolically for a man who usually gets driven from his bed to the toilet in the middle of the night, he will use the bus to get the venue, and will walk up to collect the gong, instead of being carried as normal. There is also a chance that he might squeeze his own fucking toothpaste onto the brush before bed.

Palin's other face decries partisanship

Defeated Vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin has used one of her two faces to call for unity in America and for Americans to rally behind Barack Obama. 

While the main face was spitting bile and accusing the President-elect of being a Jihadist child molester, the other was busy preaching to the Republican governors convention about reaching across the aisle for the good of the country. 

"The past is the past" said face number two, illiciting polite nods from the gathered GOP state leaders and activists.  

"THIS WILL NOT STAND UNDER GOD'S LAW, AND JUDGEMENT WILL BE UPON THIS HEATHEN WHO DARES TO ASPIRE TO THE PRESIDENCY OF THIS GOD-FEARING NATION!" ranted face number one to rapturous applause and shouts of  "Kill Him !" 

Matters were equally diverse at the buffet.  Face one wanted cheese and onion sandwiches, while face two preferred plain ham and complained about the smell. 

Germany now in recession

Sales of bratwurst, sauerkraut and leather shorts in terminal decline

Germany has officially entered a recession after government figures showed that the country's economy contracted by 0.5% in the third quarter. 

Trade in traditional German goods are suffering badly, as local people turn to cheap versions imported from Poland and other former Eastern bloc nations. 

"A negative effect on gross domestic product came from foreign trade, with a strong increase in imports and weakening exports.  Basically, we can't afford Bavarian wheat beer and scatology porn anymore" the Federal Statistics Office said.

The last time that the German economy was in recession was the first half of 2003. "This confirms the German economy is in a marked slump," said Klaus Schruefer at SEB. "We will definitely get a further contraction in the fourth quarter, and my order for two barrels of Prussian red cabbage are on hold," he added.   

A pessimistic outlook was echoed by Sebastian Wanke at Dekabank: "There won't be an improvement in the fourth quarter. The situation will only get worse - we might have to substitute dogshit for Black Forest Gateau and fill our Apple Strudel with monkey spunk." 

Republicans usher in new era of bipartisanship by comparing Obama to Hitler

With mandates in Congress, the White House, and Governor's mansions across the country, President-elect Barack Obama and Democratic leaders are itching to get to work to tackle the problems facing America and the world.  The Republican Party is facing a new role in the background after several years in control.  Some are praising the new president, some are ambivalent, but right-wing hate mongers across the country can rest assured that plenty of GOP legislators are putting the boot into the nation's first black Commander-in-Chief.  

Representative Paul Broun, a Georgia Republican, has been forced to make a half-hearted and insincere apology after suggesting that Obama is similar in political philosophy to the mad, uni-testicled fascist dictator who led Germany into the Second World War and brutally invaded and murdered his way around the world. 

Broun told us: "We can't be lulled into complacency, you have to remember that Adolf Hitler was elected in a democratic Germany.  We all know that Osama Biden Laden and all those liberals will be shipping god-fearing gun owners into contemplation camps and keeping them there until they agree to vote Democrat or get gay-married."

Sarah Palin was later asked her thoughts on the matter during an interview with CNN. "Hitler? Germany? They're not in Alaska, are they?" she replied. 

New series of I’m a Celebrity calming recession fears

As the Bank of England announces the official arrival of the economic downturn, analysts are pinning their hopes on the latest run of the mindless reality TV show to bolster confidence in the markets and raise national morale.

Workers at London’s stock exchange cheered as the line-up for 'I'm a Celebrity...get me out of here' was released and shares surged by 10% in the hours afterwards. Troops fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq laid down their weapons and embraced their colleagues on hearing the news.

The Prime Minister hailed the new series as the beginning of the recovery and praised ITV for its selfless commitment to public service broadcasting in these times of economic strife.

“The sight of Robert Kilroy-Silk, Esther Rantzen and a succession of other pointless nobodies crawling through piles of insects and drinking Kangaroo spunk can only be good for us as we face the most serious challenges of our era,” Mr Brown said in the House of Commons.

“In the Second World War the British people had Churchill’s soaring oratory, strong communities and the Dunkirk spirit to get them through. Now we will have Joe Cole’s fiance in a bikini flirting with that bloke out of Blue to unify the nation. Together we can make Britain great again.”

God trying to dissuade Palin from 2012 election bid

As the Republican Party licks its wounds following the crushing defeat in the presidential and congressional elections last week, they are facing a new chapter in their relationship with Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. The former vice-presidential nominee, who has been blamed for alienating independents and moderate Republicans with her brain dead, folksy style, is under pressure from The Almighty to rule herself out of the running in 2012. Palin was set on the GOP nomination in four years time but is now considering her options following the divine intervention.

In an interview with Fox News, she described the meeting with her Creator: "I'm like at home in Wasilla cooking up moose chilli and there’s this kinda huge booming voice and sudden apparition of a man with a big white beard on the wall, and I’m like OMG - its God! He starts to talk and I sorta sneak in with my question about 2012. I ask him darn it, if there is an open door for me somewhere, I'm like, don't let me miss the open door. Show me where the open door is."

Palin sadly did not get the answer she hoped for. “He was kinda rude and shouted at me – DON’T RUN IN 2012, IF YOU LOVE YOUR COUNTRY AND YOUR GOD DON’T RUN – and then disappeared. Which was, you know, even ruder, as I wanted to ask him what he thought of Bristol having a baby?”

After the visitation, the Governor sat down with her family and told them about her conversation with Him. “Todd’s like, you still gotta run, who does he think he is? And I’m like yeah, I’m a maverick, I’m in this for real America. So we all agree that’s what I’ll do. But later in bed He came to me again in my dreams, and is shouting the place up again – DON’T RUN YOU CRAZY BITCH OR I’LL SEND A PLAGUE TO ALASKA – so I guess he really means it. There’ll be a lotta folks awfully disappointed though, so I hope he’s ready for them filling up his post bag.”

Palin is not entirely put off by the word of the redeemer, however, and will be meeting religious leaders from across the country at the Republican Governors convention later this week. She will be taking soundings about running for a Senate seat, and whether a 2012 bid could still be on the cards. Some of her allies are floating the idea of ousting God as King of Heaven and are taking advice from St Peter, Jesus and that bloke with the boat over a more patriotic replacement.

Osborne interrupts 2 minute silence by asking for donations

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne has been roundly condemned for soliciting contributions to Conservative Party funds during a ceremony of remembrance for Britain’s war dead. 30 seconds into a 2 minute silence on Whitehall, Osborne was seen scurrying through the sombre crowd, stopping by wealthy businessmen and asking for tens of thousands of pounds. His targets were so embarrassed at the request that they quickly wrote cheques in order to get rid of him and continue with the tribute to the fallen on this, the 90th anniversary of the armistice.

At the end of the ceremony, Osborne was seen running down towards Parliament Square clutching a wad of cheques and beaming like an overgrown schoolboy on his way to the sweet shop. It is estimated that he took £370,000 in the 90 seconds that he spent begging from people commemorating those who died so he could live in freedom.

Ryanair flight crash lands after sparrow strike

Budget airline Ryanair has denied accusations that its planes are made of paper and old tin foil after a flight from Frankfurt to Rome was forced to make an emergency landing.  

The carrier said the plane had experienced problems after a 30g sparrow struck the engine as it came in to land at Ciampino Airport. Passengers left the Boeing 737 using emergency chutes. Italian government investigators are examing a 3mm section of feather found on the runway. 

Chief Executive Michael O'Leary angrily hit back at claims that flights are cheap because his planes are so fragile and poorly made that a small bird weighing less than an apple can almost take off a wing.  

But Ryanair has had trouble with flying creatures obstructing its aircraft before.  In 2005 a flight to Wroclaw, Poland was diverted to Warsaw after a dragonfly landed on the runway and refused to move, and in 1999 an escaped budgie closed Stansted airport in London after nesting on the terminal roof and repeatedly shitting onto the waiting planes. 

Bush shows Obama the remains of the White House

George W. Bush got out of bed at 11am, donned his sweatpants, and shuffled downstairs to open the door to President-elect Barack Obama today.  

The new first family were due in town to look round the White House, but as Bush had overslept and forgotten to clear up, they had to be satisfied with a few minutes of awkward chit-chat as the outgoing president apologised about the state of the place and directed them away from the mountain of dirty plates in the kitchen.  Mrs Obama feigned polite surprise throughout, according to aides.  

First lady Laura Bush has been at the family ranch in Texas this past week preparing it for full-time habitation, leaving Bush and his friends ruling the roost in Washington.  Stories of late night poker games, pizza deliveries at all hours, and pranks being played on staff members have leaked onto the gossip columns and blogs over the last week. 

As a result the White House is a mess and with 70 days to go until inauguration day, Bush appears dead set on making the most of the facilities before he retires to Texas.   Detritus and sloth experts are predicting that the Obama's first months in the residence will be spent clearing up the mess, before they get a chance to stamp their seal on the place. 

Bush has been notoriously lax with tidying and maintenance over the last 8 years, leaving 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in a much worst state than when he moved in. 

Lieberman can still help Dems around Congress, Reid says

Senate Majority leader Harry Reid has extended an olive branch to Independent Senator Joe Lieberman.  

Reid insisted that Lieberman, who supported John McCain's presidential bid,  still has a part to play in the Democratic caucus despite the congressional election results last week that gave them a solid majority without the support of the Senate's two independents.   

"Joe Lieberman is not useless," he said. "Joe Lieberman is one of the most hardworking people ever to come from the state of Connecticut." 

"All our offices need cleaning for the new congress, and someone has to go over the White House removing all the pretzel crumbs."

Senator Reid also reassured Lieberman that he wouldn't be losing office space on Capitol Hill.  

"There's a broom cupboard down the corridor from the chamber that would suit him fine.  It's got a stool, shelves, and all the cleaning fluid he can drink. The traitor."

Homeless calm in face of economic turmoil

Angry Jack don't givva shite

In the midst of mounting financial chaos in the UK and abroad, the homeless of London are smugly celebrating their vagrancy in the face of a situation that won't affect them. 

Angry Jack, a tramp who recently moved to a park bench in Soho Square, has been predicting the current crisis for some years, having read discarded copies of the Financial Times, before making quickly soiled underpants out of the pages. We chatted over a can of warm Kestrel Super as Jack explained his theories. "The fuggin' bazzas been spenning too much, taking chanzes, yahh" he said spitting detritus and strong lager at me through his enormous beard. "Me and the boys, we ain't got shit, not gonna lose shit, don't matter shit." He explained, gesturing toward a group of red faced men on a nearby bench drinking from 3 litre bottles of strongbow.

These views were replicated further east where Crazy Tom, a hobo with 20 years experience living near Blackfriars Bridge put forward a similar view. "Cunns and fuggers the lot of 'em," he told me whilst on a break from shouting at female commuters, "A'll fuggin kill 'em, but dey wont get me, nahhh, Tom nose the truth, and Tom ain't no fuggin prick" He then began a frenzied act of public masturbation in order to more clearly demonstrate his point. 

However, not all the vagabonds we encountered shared this view. Smelly Ellie, a baglady who resides in a cardboard box near the Globe Theatre, was more sanguine. "I luv dem little boyz walkin by over the bridge, they don know whats what, But I luv em I doo" she confided before vomiting on a dead pigeon. 

The current homeless may be insulated from the economic downturn, but the rest of us are not. The ranks of London's rough sleepers are swelling daily, as even the well-to-do and upper classes lose the fortunes they hold in shares and property. Sir Cyril Smythe is one of those to end up on the street, despite having been a multi-millionaire with 17 houses around the world last Thursday. We caught up with him on a patch of waste ground behind St Pancras Station and found him to be fitting in well. Still in his pin-striped suit, and clutching a half empty bottle of Moet Chandon, he explained his feelings to us. "Fuck orf, you fucking barstards," he shouted, "I'll have you fucking killed don't you know, you fucking cads." He aimed a punch at this reporter but tripped over an empty crate of Fortnum and Mason produce, before collapsing on the floor.

Westfield Shopping Centre fails to improve lives

Shoppers at the giant new shopping mall in West London are protesting outside the centre, accusing the management of not delivering a clear improvement to their lives. 

A large group of housewives, unemployed chavs, and teenagers are demanding a meeting with bosses to explain why they still get home from shopping at the complex still feeling empty, bored and as though their life has no meaning.

Jill Davies, a housewife from Harrow, described her anger.  "When this place opened, they promised us everything - happiness, joy, perceived wealth, and a brighter tomorrow.  But every day when I get home from splurging on treats and clothes, I'm still nudging 50,  married to a depressed civil servant, living in a suburban semi and I seem to be slipping further and further into debt. Somone has to pay for this." 

Dwayne Collins, an unemployed benefit claimant from Hammersmith, told us how his days at the Westfield Centre are generally aimless and unsatisfying.  "The advertising chatted that this place would be blinging, but I ain't got no money so I can't get no bling.  They lied to us."

A request for a review by the Advertising Standards Agency is under consideration. 

Brit Awards running out of decent bands to honour

 

Organisers of the Brit Awards have admitted that they are scraping deeper into the barrel each year when it comes to the Outstanding Contribution to Music award. Announcing that the Pet Shop Boys would be receiving the accolade in 2009, Brits committee chairman Ged Doherty, said that it was a long and painful struggle to come up with a band that the whole committee didn't think were utter shit.

 

"From a short list that included Def Leppard, Bananarama, and that bloke off the Whattsamatter You eh? Song, the Pet Shop Boys were the first group I suggested that didn't prompt a groan or cries of 'bollocks'.  We think they'll have to do, as virtually all the decent bands in their late 30s and over have already won."

 

Previous shit award winners include Sting, Rod Stewart, the Eurythmics and Status Quo, so the Pet shop Boys are in good company.  On the short list to win the accolade in 2010 are the Spice Girls, Rick Astley, and Gary Glitter.

Wife of America's first black president celebrates

The voting is over, the campaigns are closing down, and America looks forward to a new Democratic future. The party's celebrations are still continuing across the country and no-one is celebrating more than the woman who calls the nation's first black leader her husband - Senator Hillary Clinton.

Hillary has organised a huge party to commemorate the 16th anniversary of the November 1992 election which propelled Bill Clinton into the White House as President. Bill's southern charm and immense popularity with African-American voters meant that he was dubbed the first "black" president. She will also use the event to mark her 2008 Democratic primary campaign which brought a woman closer to a presidential nomination than ever before in American history.

Hillary announced the event, which will raise money to pay off her primary campaign debt, at a press conference in Washington, D.C. With the Democrats increasing their leads in the House and Senate, Hillary has big plans to push through legislation that will fulfil many of her platforms from the primary race. Against a backdrop of the Democrat Mule emblem and pictures of her, her family and her friends, the New York Senator outlined her vision.

"We stand on the edge of a great new American era and I pledge to all the people of this great nation that I will work night and day to improve this country, and I will demand the same of my colleagues in Congress. 16 years ago, Bill and I promised to turn this country around and we did. After 8 years of failed Republican government, we now have the chance to do it again."

Meanwhile, President-Elect Barack Obama celebrated quietly at home, taking a well earned break after a gruelling primary and general election campaign, before the work of transition and government begins in earnest.

Panic takes hold as the USA votes for intelligence and reason

The rural and suburban areas of the United States are in lockdown today amid mounting chaos following the election victory of Barack Obama and the Democratic Party. Republican voters took to the streets and began rioting as they struggled to come to terms with a thoughtful President and Congress that are threatening to take a measured approach to domestic and international issues.

The military have declared a curfew and martial law in an attempt to stem the unrest but small town conservatives, religious nuts, and billionaire oil executives are beginning to take control of ‘Real America’. Across the country, mobs of bitter men and women are standing around in town squares clinging to guns and religion, while chanting “USA, USA, USA” and questioning the patriotism of passers by.

President-Elect Obama has offered to meet with the leaders of the revolt to look at both sides of the problem, discuss a list of possible solutions, carefully gauge the mood round the table and then form a compromise based on the evidence. His offer was roundly dismissed by the self appointed leader of the gun-toting rebels, Clancy Lynch from Montgomery, Alabama.

Mr Lynch, an unemployed tumbleweed merchant, explained his concerns. “For the past eight years we’ve been blessed with a president who doesn’t ask too many questions, goes to bed early and leaves vice-president Cheney and big business to take an aggressive, short-sighted and knee-jerk approach to government. Now all the signs point to a rational Commander in Chief who will spend every waking moment wrestling with policy matters and consult Congress in order to create the best possible solution for everyone. That’s not the America we love, and that’s not an America we want to be a part of.”

Fair-minded and well-balanced citizens are being urged to remain in the cities and avoid approaching people that do not appear elitist or godless. Police will be setting up roadblocks around urban areas to keep out hicks, yokels and Sarah Palin.

President Bush will be woken up at 1900 EST to address the nation about the crisis live on television. He will then meet with his top advisors at the bowling alley in the White House basement to attempt a few strikes, and possibly even a turkey.

Cameron squabbling with Brown over Obama's arsehole

A row broke out in the British parliament yesterday between the prime minister and the leader of the opposition over who will go first inserting their tongue into US President-Elect Barack Obama's ringpiece.

As world leaders rush to share some of the glitz and glamour of the momentous election result, Gordon Brown and David Cameron are hoping that some good old-fashioned brown nosing will help some of Obama's stardust shake off onto them. Answering questions in the House of Commons, Brown cited convention in his bid to bagsy the presidential poo chute. "When Ronald Reagan won the election in 1980, Mrs Thatcher wanted the first lick of his doughnut, and Michael Foot sat back and let her go. John Major was allowed the first sniff of Bill Clinton's crack in 1992, and John Smith made no fuss whatsoever. Similarly, Tony Blair flew straight to Washington in 2000 to give George W. Bush's crevice a spit and polish, and William Hague accepted that he would have to wait his turn."

Responding, Mr Cameron attacked the prime minister and insisted that the new president would be more appreciative of his bottom cleaning skills. "The public knows that as a former PR man, I have extensive experience of licking people's tailpipes. To quote the prime minister, this is no time for a novice. Now will he stand aside and let me get to Senator Obama's shit slit first?"

Meanwhile in the USA, senior Republicans have been trading blows over who will get the first run at kicking George W. Bush and Dick Cheney's teeth in. John McCain is the obvious choice, but he must fight off 20 odd ex-members of the House and at least 5 outgoing senators for the privilege.