Toffee nosed retailer Marks and Spencer is to cut more than 1,000 jobs, the Stupid Times has learned.
Slimy Chief Executive Stuart Rose will make the announcement in a television advert on C4 at around 2100 GMT, just before Celebrity Big Brother. Leaked clips from the 1 minute ad show Mr Rose swathed in green velvet reclining on a couch while Fleetwood Mac play in the background. A soft voiced narrator can be heard in the background reading M&S trademark phrases that subtly and gradually reveal the horrific details of the lay offs to staff who have just finished a gruelling month of long busy hours, often for little pay.
“You didn’t just work your bollocks off over Christmas; you worked your hairy, sweaty bollocks off - for us” the voice purrs. “This hasn’t just come at a bad time,” it continues, “it’s come at the worst time imaginable what with all the debt you’re in and the bailiffs waiting at the door.” The ad also contains footage of Mr Rose swigging champagne and canoodling with that stunning bikini model, just to rub more salt in the wound.
Union representatives have been angered by profit/loss figures that show the redundancies will save less money than Take That were paid to appear in nauseating Christmas TV adverts with Twiggy. Middle class staff are particularly concerned as working in M&S allows them to suggest to friends that they are not just shop-workers, which of course they are.
Marks and Spencer have declined to comment officially. A spokesman said: “We are not just ignoring you; we are completely and utterly ignoring you - you peasants.”