Not all Primark clothes made by slaves

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Ten children died dressing this twat

There was shock on the high street yesterday with the revelation that not all of the piss cheap tat sold at Primark is made in sweatshops by people held against their will.

For years the British public have bought clothes and accessories from the retailer with a heavy heart, knowing deep down that filling their entire wardrobe for £3.50 meant that someone, somewhere is getting fucked over big time.

A BBC investigation also discovered that employees in UK factories are actually getting paid in cash for their backbreaking shifts, not in salt and chocolate as previously thought. Even more shocking was video footage of workers for Primark's suppliers in Indonesia sitting down eating their lunch and smiling and waving at the camera, rather than weeping and howling as their fingers break off at the end of a 32 hour shift sewing on buttons.

Shoppers outside the flagship store were angry that the years of worrying about the source of 75p pairs of shoes, before buying 7 pairs anyway, were in vain.

"I personally feel cheated," said 58 year old Judith Dawson from Hackney. "I've often wondered who made the knickers that I wear once and throw away because it's actually cheaper to buy a new pair. I've probably spent, ooh, 5 minutes over the last ten years hoping they aren't made by child slaves. I could have spent that time thinking about what colour bra goes with them."

Andy Waite, 25, buys hundreds of items of Primark clothing each week and knocks them out for a healthy profit at his market stall in Greenwich. "I once switched to TK Maxx for a week because I heard that workers who fell asleep at their stations got beaten with spiked sticks. I made a loss that week and went straight back to Primark the next. Will they be refunding me?"

A spokesman for the company, which has defied that credit crunch with it's inexplicably low prices, said that they were alarmed at the reports of humane treatment of employees and were investigating. He said that the executive board would do their utmost to ensure that Chinese children who start crying after stitching on 17,000 labels are given black eyes, and that pregnant women demanding toilet breaks are taken out in to the street and flogged as a warning to others.
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